We don't always like being nonplussed

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Flailthroughs - Jump Superstars! (Part 4)

 It's a new stage! This time I seem to be in a special stage on the world map that is in a red box with a yellow star bust, and a large 'B' in the middle. Obviously this stage is a bomb, and I have to defuse it before it explodes! Sounds exciting, doesn't it? Well that's a shame because that's not what it is.

I enter the stage and discover that I am fighting on the pirate ship! Neat! It's kind of a shame that the last stage was the one that looked like it was on top of the ship on the world map.Anyway, at this point I assume I'm either fighting the fruit pirates, or I'm going to be fighting the floating head. But no! It's Luffy! I thought we were friends, but the hyperactive little bastard seems to be trying to bite chunks out of my ass. Apparently not only do I have to beat him, it seems that there's no limit to the number of times I have to beat him, oh lovely! I have to beat him throughout the timer, until it reaches zero.

But what's this? It seems now that if I stand by the edge of the stage and beat the wall that it eventually breaks through, and I can then fall to my death outside the stage wall. Neat. But I'll admit it does help, because now all I have to do is stand by the hole and push our stretchy little pirate friend over the edge. Over, and over, and over again, until it starts feeling almost zen. I begin watching TV as I wait for the timer to run out, then look down as it does, surprised that the battle is over.

Oh, and did I mention that I was using none of the previous characters I had become used to? It seems that I'm now allowed to switch between groups, so I can pick my team. I didn't know that's what it was, I simply pressed down till I saw Goku, and thought, "Hell yeah, Goku, whatever this is will be awesome." I'll admit, it was awesome.

On to the next stage!

What the dick?

Our old enemy the box is gone and seems to have been replaced by... A GREEN BOX! Gone are the evil eyebrows of yesterday, only to be replaced by... glasses? A giant nose? That's right, I am fighting a box that is a hybrid of Groucho Marx, and a leprechaun. This is the ultimate weapon of the box people, and I must admit that I am more than a little afraid.

I do not know what I am supposed to do right now. First I hit the box, though it did nothing in response. Then it stopped letting me attack, but I learned that if I tap the characters' images at the bottom of the screen, it unleaseh a powerful attack... as we all do when someone pokes us hard in the face. As happens in real life, when I kill the box it drops a small pile of tokens labeled "P", which I suspect are tokens for a urinal. I shall continue beating it for the time being, in hopes of ending its eternal, painful existance.

Success!

I have discovered that tapping the panels alternately like some sort of insane pianist makes you switch characters mid-attack! This is one of the most confusing aspects I have ever found in a video game, as most tend to refuse to let you do that sort of thing unless you're exploiting some form of glitch. On the plus side, I think this might be the last I see of the Uber-Box.

Back at the world map, I see that now I have unlocked two new stages, as the road now forks in two different directions. Neat! It also made a third path back to a stage I've already been to, so I'm wondering if I have to go and beat it again. Did I miss something? It has a crown for Pete's sake! It's obviously that awesome that they want me to beat it again... Well screw you!


More on this game tomorrow.

 

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