We don't always like being nonplussed

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends!

It's only Wednesday, but in light of the fact that Jump Superstars has been finished, and we've still got three weekdays left, we're going to run our Retro Pokemon Weekend feature for the rest of this week, and the Flailthrough of Pokemon Black will start on Monday, and then the weekend features will take place normally. So for now, sit back and enjoy!

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Day 1

So it seems we have come into possession of Japanese copies of Pokemon Red and Pokemon Green. Being of the female persuasion, I've chosen to play Green, because it's my favorite color. I have also decided that I will be picking Bulbasaur to go with the green theme. I have not started the game, but I'm already dreading it, after hours of That Guy trying to find out if these are the original versions with the alternate Lavender Town music infamous for its destruction of the Gameboy speakers and migraine-inducing properties. As it turns out, they have the regular Lavender Town music, but after listening to that and enduring the headache it caused, I am slowly becoming certain that if I have to listen to it for five hours, I am going to end up explaining to the cops why my boyfriend has a Gameboy lodged in his esophagus.

But I digress, allow me to return to the topic. Unlike That Guy and Flailthroughs and Co., (for those playing the home game, that's my boyfriend and his brother, respectively) I have absolutely NO concept of katakana, kanji, or hiragana beyond the fact that they are three writing systems that exist in Japan, and at least one of them evolved from a pictographic root. Also I would like you to keep in mind that I am very new to Pokeman, and just recently played the first game, once, and by no means have the game memorized beyond the following facts: Professor Oak lets you pick a pokemon, and Gary is a douche. I used a walkthrough to get through my first run of the game in English, I have a feeling that playing it in Japanese will lead to calamity... and possibly hilarity as everyone laughs at me flailing madly while trying to figure out where to go, what to do, and what's going on in general.

So with all that in mind, I start up the game, and am immediately struck by how terrible the graphics are. For the record, I'm not holding the game to the standards of games from present day, of course, but to the American version of Blue. The Derp is strong with these sprites. Aaaaaand then I'm met with the first road block. I'm sure this box full of J's squiggles and dashes is asking me if I want to load, start new game or... I don't know, dance the Lambada, but I have no way of knowing which is which. Hell, for all I know it could be calling my mother a tyrannosaurus rex, and have nothing to do with game commands what so ever.

Well the first option seems to have been load, which makes sense. And after seeing the sprites for the pokemon under summary... or backwards c, sail boat, Christian fish hook, erection t, horsey and backwards loopy sigma... I maintain my observation that the Derp is strong here. I don't think it's even the sprites' fault really, I think the art for the pokemon was just butt ugly, and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.

Anyway, I turn the game off, and try again. Ah ha! Success! The second option seems to have been start new game, and I am on top of the world... What the HELL is that?! Oh... Professor Oak... you're uh... looking kinda rough there, my friend. I don't know if it's the scowl, the angry eyebrows, or the line that looks like your eye is leaking, but you just don't look good today. Maybe the good doctor should take a break and go on a vacation. Well, regardless of my opinion, he seems to want to yell at me. Or I assume it's yelling by the giant, bold exclamation point. I don't know what he's saying, but he's very vehement about it. If I had to make a guess, I'd say it's something to the extent of: "Hey you little brat! I've told you a million times to get off my lawn! I come out here every day, and you're always... doing whatever it is you kids do these day... POISONOUS RABBIT IN YOUR FACE!" I assume that is part of the conversation because I suddenly have a picture of a Nidorino on my screen. "Oh wait, that's not my people attacking pokemon... but... Well since you're here, this is a pokemon, and we use them not only as livestock, and work beasts, but we also make them fight for our amusement." And then my character is on the screen.... and he looks like he has a bad attitude. The set of his hat tells me that he's a no nonsense kid, and he's ready to take on the world, even though he's only ten. And then Professor Oak yells at me again. You know, I don't know what I did to piss him off... but from the look of the kid, I'm going to guess it involved a paper bag, poke-poo and fire.

Professor Oak wants you off his lawn.Red's looking good, though


Well, regardless of what the Professor is saying, I seem to have the option of naming my character now. I'm going to assume that the first option is 'name your character', because it's the longest. The names I seem to have to choose from are: emo hair J, vertical line, normal J underscore, hyphen on a large coma; equal sign on a large coma, apostrophe J with windblown hair, JL; and finally equal sign on a large coma with windblown hair, backwards subscript E, hyphen on a large coma. You know, given the choice, I think I'll name him myself.

With that done, thus begins the epic story of: Cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain. I find the repeating symbols will help me realize when someone's talking to me... And Professor Oak is yelling at me again. Jeeze, what bug crawled up inside him and bit down?

Ah yes, what epic story would be complete without a rival? Gary, or Green if you prefer, looks like a little douche, as always. His lopsided smirk and v-shaped eyebrows make him endearingly scampish... or a douche. How ever you want to look it at it. And now we get a glimpse of Professor Oak's senility, as he frantically asks me what the name his grandson is... the same grandson that he's been raising ever since said child's parents died. Oh, yeah, spoiler alert, Green, or backwards E, backwards E, backwards E, backwards E, backwards E as I have decided to call him, is an orphan. Aw, and now Professor Oak is yelling at him... or at me... I don't really know. Ok, it seems to be me, since he just screamed my name. OH MY GOD, HE JUST SHRANK ME! I'm sorry Professor Oak, I'll never put flaming poo on your doorstep again!

Gary Motherfucking Oak: douche by birth, douche by trade.

Oh wait... it was just the start of the actual interactive part of the game. Well after an inscrutable exchange with the computer, in which I did the same thing like five times, I think I managed to withdraw something from my computer. With that, out of the way, I get to have a nice heartwarming, but completely illegible conversation with my mother. Poor woman, it really sucks that she has to sleep in the living room like that. Well out into the big bad world!

And then as soon as I step into the grass, I get yelled at... again. Jeebus, why is everyone so mad? Ah, yes, it's Professor Oak... Why does he keep yelling at me, really? After he gets through haraguing me, I'm dragged back, likely by my ear, into his lab, for more yelling, and references to Green. Honestly dude, why do you hate your grandson so much? I mean, yeah his hair is dumb, and he's a bit of a jerk, but he's ten, what do you want out of him? After more yelling at both of us, I get to pick a pokemon finally. My joy is unknowable. Well I think I'm going to go with Bulbasaur, if only because I went with Squirtle in Blue, and I seem to have a theme going there. Naturally, Green chooses Charmander, or Derpmander here, and picks a fight with me as I try to walk away peacefully.



Alright combat... Well the first option is to attack, and then I get a list of options. Um... I wish I knew which one of them was an actual attack. Here goes nothing. Alright, I picked the right one... except that Derpmander acts first and scratch does more damage than tackle. As luck would have it, Derpmander spent most of the battle throwing music notes at me, so I won... just barely. Then Green yells at me. Thanks bro. Then Professor Oak yells at me. Jeez, this game is starting to make me feel insecure. I already promised no more flaming poo bags, what morre do you people want from me? Wow, even the COMPUTER yelled at me. Fine, screw you guys, I'm running away! Let's see how much you enjoy life without little Cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain to push around!

But first, I'm going to tell my mommy on you, and take a nap! Ha! Tomorrow will begin my official adventure into the wide world of pokemon... and hopefully I'll find out why everyone keeps yelling at me. See you guys then! Now I just have to figure out how to save...

*Side note: I forgot to grab pictures of Oak, Red and Green from my game and I didn't want to risk restarting it, so these pictures are technically from Red, but they're the same graphics, only in red instead of green.

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