What? Oh... wrong Brock. Sorry to get your hopes up. I mean Brock the Pewter City Gym leader. Yay. (Once more Pokemon, you break the universe because of its inability to hold all of the sarcasm I'm trying to put into that word.) Anyway, Pewter City. It's... green... with a kind of... pale green... and... uh... wooden... toggles. Or was that William Thatcher's (A Knight's Tale) outfit for the banquet? *shrug* Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that it's green... BUT at least it's not Viridian Forest, and that makes ALL the difference in the world!
Well so far everyone seems nice... One or two people yelled something, but I think it was more out of excitement than anger... right up until that asshole on the edge of town accosted me, grabbed me by the ear and forcibly dragged me to the Gym. Yeah, thanks for the hint, buddy, but I KNOW about that part. I'll get around to it. Impatient little bastard.
So much for the not being yelled at... but once more, I think I can forgive people yelling at me for tromping all up in their house... strangely it was only the kid that had a problem with it, the adult didn't seem to care. Looks like SOMEONE might have been hitting the bottle too hard. Lay off the sauce dad, and raise your kid instead of expecting your pokemon to do it for you. It's not even a Miltank, so you can't make money off it.
Well I just got accosted by another kid... he asked me a question, which I had no idea what it was, so I answered with the bottom option (because I assume it's 'no') and got dragged over to the museum, at which point the kid yelled. Alright, I can probably forgive that, he's excited about fossils and archeology. Somebody send that boy to Zahi Hawass, he could use someone genuinely interested in archeology instead of those dumb bitches that were on his show.
I think I've explored everywhere in this town, and talked to most of the people. I even visited the shop, and... yeah... that's all in Japanese. Thanks to the 'Ball' recognition, I know that they sell Pokeballs, but other than that... shit if I know! Time to make this a half-assed nuzlocke run! No items... because I don't know what the HELL they are! With that in mind, it's time to head into the Gym, and see what horrors await me!
As usual we have our creepy pokefanboi that chats you up like you're a tipsy blonde he's trying to take home from the bar... Here's a tip dude, stop shouting. You'll have better odds that way. Beyond him is, unsurprisingly a trainer. A camper I believe, and he's... Well he's a malicious stick figure. He kind of reminds me of those stick hands made of some unknowable goo that were attached to the thin, stretchy 'arm' made of the same substance. You know what I mean, you got them out of the eggs in supermarket coin machines... And why the hell is he wearing Mary Janes? I wouldn't think those would be good shoes for tromping around in nature and rock climbing.
Is it just me, or does his hat look like two sizes too big for his head? Creepy. How's it staying up there? Glue? A bad case of Vegeta-hair? Who knows? Anyway, his first pokemon is Diglett, who... well... he kinda looks like a pimple... or possibly a nipple... or a whack-a-mole... or one of those big huge bumps Wile E. Coyote or Daffy Duck used to get on their heads after rocks fell on them. Maybe the Road Runner, or Bugs Bunny drew a face on it. Anyway, I don't think he's really worth a picture, so let's just keep on trucking here.
One wonders how the hell Diglett knows Scratch... and what the hell he's even scratching you WITH! Either way, Butterfree took him down with its freshly learned Confusion... Hey kids! Want to know an easy test for Epilepsy? Play Pokemon Green, and watch the Confusion animation! If you wake up on the floor with no memory of how you got there, you have it! Gah, my head! It's like they took the 70's and made it into an attack... Which WOULD confuse people and screw up their brains! Hey! Mystery solved, and moving on!
Oh... my... GUMBALL! Is that... is that Sandshrew?! Dear sweet high fructose corn syrup, I think it is. Wha...? Buh...? Huh? Sorry, I'm over it... or at least over it enough to continue. I think perhaps that I should point out, in all fairness, that this is closer to what an armadillo would look like if it suddenly decided to become bipedal, it's just... Well you'll have to forgive me for being a girl here: it's just not CUTE! You bastards! I have played every version of pokemon in which Sandshrew is exclusive (except Leaf Green, which I intend to play once I have it) because he's just SO DAMN CUTE! And look at this! He looks like Master Roshi from Dragon Ball had a love child with a freaking Tonberry from Final Fantasy! Well at least his ears are cute... I guess... a little? Excuse me while I weep with despair.
Alright I'm done. Anywway, I take Derpshrew out without much problem, and find that if I cover my eyes before using Confusion, they won't bleed! So win. Speaking of, I did, and Stretch Arm Camper yelled at me... and by the 10000 in the middle of his speech, I'm pretty sure he's the little smart ass that babbles about light years. Well, take THAT you gooey little pipsqueak, I knocked out your pokemon and took your lunch money. Bite me.
After a quick little cheating run back to the PokeCenter, I return to the gym to continue my conquest. ... And apparently Goo Camper is the ONLY trainer in here other than Brock... I seem to remember there being more... Oh well, no point in complaining, I'm getting off (giggity!) lightly here... provided the leader ISN'T Brock Samson, in which case I'm screwed in all the ways I DON'T want to be.
STOP! YELLING! AT! ME!!!!! Shit! No WONDER Red runs away and becomes a freaking hermit up on Mt. Silver! Also, put a freaking shirt on! You know... the more I look at him, the more I wonder if I should be yelling at him. Well... he's not Brock Samson... but I think he's Nny, from Johnny the Homicidal Maniac. That doesn't make me want him to put a shirt on any less though. The sprite is actually pretty close to the one in the American release, I just... think they fleshed it out a bit more... and he looks a bit less... horror-ish. Still needs that shirt though.
... I'm thinking of a scene in Indiana Jones... you know the one. No, not that one... or that one... no... n... NO! It's the monkey brain scene! SHEESH! Impatient much? Anyway, Geodude, rather than looking like a rock, looks kind like a bad stereo-type of an Chinese man with the top of his head removed. Also he doesn't seem to have been putting much work in at the gym, because his arms are PUNY... and apparently end in clams. Rock clams. Those are a kind of clam right? Or am I thinking about lobsters? Well either way, a Confusion spam takes him down, and I get a level out of it. Hooray!
Well, Onix looks like Onix. I don't think they did anything to him, except maybe adjust his posture a bit so he wasn't so bent over. No need for a picture, if you've seen one, you've seen them all, much like with reality tv shows, and harem animes. In any case, the flagrant, delicious cheatery that is having a psychic attack this early in the game makes him no problem at all, and I beat Brock and his shirtlessness. He runs his mouth for a while, yells a bit and gives me a bunch of money... More than Green gave me... Oh please gods tell me that doesn't mean Brock likes me too, because if it does, I think that means it's time to get the hell outta dodge. I'm sure I received some kind of badge that lets me do... something outside of combat, but I don't know what... and likely a TM as well, but all I recognized was the number 34 in the middle of the text. I'm sure that this is somehow significant. When I mentioned that I had no idea what Brock said, That Guy assured me that it was, in fact, "I will poop on you!" God I hope not.
Well with that Gym taken out, I think I'm going to call it there for today. I'm just going to do some healing, and then call it a day, and try to forget the sight of Brock's bare, pallid, underdeveloped chest out of my head. I think a bottle of liquor will do the trick... or a hammer. See you tomorrow!
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