Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 9

So... when did Mankey become a grass type? Look at his hands and tail! They look like the little curly tendrils you get on vines and ferns. He also looks like he has a pig nose, but that's about standard.


You know, maybe I've just read too much Terry Pratchett, but whenever I hear the word 'mankey', I always assume it's describing something... well... mankey. You know... not so fresh? Kinda gross? Not something you'd wanna touch, or put in your mouth? But then, I guess no one wants to put Judo monkey in their mouth, so it really works out, doesn't it?

Anyway, it turns out the man that wanted a pokemon was asking for a Poliwhirl and offering me a Jynx in return, and the man in the house that gave me a list was offering to descibe the badges to me. Apparently all of the badges in this one are colors, not particularly important, but kinda neat. With that out of the way, I go back to the new route, and battle a trainer... and it it seems Machop has caught the same awful cake design as Horsea. Honestly, I kinda think this supports my grade school art class theory, since bad cakes and bad clay figures often look alike. No, seriously, they do, check them out.


He kind of reminds me of Trogdor with that one pumped arm... When I look at him, I can just hear Strong Bad in my head saying, "He looks real good... with that beefy arm sticking out of the back of his neck there..."

In any case, I take out Maderp pretty easily, probably because his eyes are so crossed, he can't really see my Butterfree to burninate it... or punch it as the case may be. After defeating that trainer, I went on with my completion whoring and grabbed my very own Darth Abra. God, I hope my box isn't full. I might need to get around to leveling him up, but I just don't feel like it right now, since he'd be dead weight in my party. I have some TMs, but I don't know what they are, or if he can learn them, so it's likely just best to stick with what I have.

I lied. I shoved my bug in a box, yanked out the Abra, and taught him the first TM it said he could learn. Let's face it, Confusion is nice to have now, but Abra's going to evolve and get lots of shiny, shiny brain rape. You know what this means! More level grinding! Once more I'm incapable of putting into words how much that DOESN'T thrill me.

Look kids! It's Slowderp! Or possibly Derppoke. I keep expecting it to give a little "a-hyulk" Goofy laugh. And you wonder why Team Rocket was eating them in Gold, Silver and Crystal. If I saw something like that, I'd either try to eat it, or just beat it with a club until it went away.


It viciously attacks me with the 70's, but Abra is strong against flashing lights, disco music and cocaine, so we sit here and nibble away at each other's health for a small eternity, but ultimately, I take out Slowpoke, and gain a level for my efforts.

One thing I will point out is that Teleport seems to take you directly to the nearest PokeCenter you've already visited, this is nice, as it makes things less tedious to walk all the way back while trying to power level. I'm sure EVERYONE on the face of the EARTH already knew this (or at least I assume this is the case from the look That Guy gave me when I mentioned it), but I was under the impression it got you out of dungeons... like a reusable Escape Rope. I think it did actually work that way in one of the games, though I'll be buggered if I can remember which.

With the help of obsessive level grinding so common in these games, I now have a Kadabra., and he uh... he kinda looks like he ATE the Abra, and then just took its place. He's also, like Machop, FIERCELY cross-eyed, and he has no neck, just a head sitting on a torso, with his shoulders up around his ears. Oh lordy, ladies and gents, let's hear it for Kaderpbra.


From behind he looks like... some kind of... Looney Tunes martian (though not Marvin) holding an Illudium P38 Space Modulator... or something. It's kinda magical... in a derp kind of way.


On the upside, he learned Confusion upon leveling, which means I can continue to Psychic cheat my way through the game, so awesome sauce.

After a quick pokemon shuffle with That Guy, I have in my possession an Alakazam... and he's even MORE cross-eyed than the Kadabra. Good times. At least he looks like he threw up that Abra that he nom'ed to turn into Kadabra, and has slimmed back down.


The other upside is that now I now have my very own Charmander, also thanks to That Guy. The trick now is to convince him to give me a Squirtle too... though I'm not sure that'll happen. I DO, however, know that I'm never going to talk him into playing the game through far enough twice in order to get two more Eevees for me, which brings me to my present location, Bill's house! As usual, Bill is a pokemon the first time we see him, and while I have no idea what he said, I answered yes, and then played with his computer once he got in the machine, which of course magically returned him to normal. Computers! How do they work?! Anyway, he gives me something in appreciation, and I continue to poke around his house. After heading out and coming back in, I poke at his computer, and... WOW Eevee looks mean!


You know, I was just sitting here thinking about how Eevee could be different. "It's just a cute little feline/vulpine," I thought, "I mean there's not a WHOLE bunch of way it could be different," I thought, "I bet it'll be so similar I'll have to put a picture in just because I'll get lynched if I don't..." As you can see, the only time I've been more wrong is when I thought dandelion juice, since it was white and milky, would taste like milk (I was three at the time, give me a break!). Let's see what other surprises await us in Bill's computer!


Malevolently fluffy! Seriously! He looks like a mean little pillow.


Good GAWD lookit that maw! To hell with the electricity, it's going to EAT you!


In the words of Senior Eskimo Rabbi... "WHAT THE HELL AM I?!" I'm going with a puppy fish mer-scorpion.

Well that was fun. On with the plot... or at the very least catching a Bellsprout. Wow... so I went to fight the Team Rocket member behind the one house (apparently the police were too stupid to just check out back?) and he sent out his Derpchop, who went down after a little brain rape, and then we have... this... just wow... He looks like an Easter egg someone glued legs onto to hold it up, and then put like... a creepy, EXTREMELY cross-eyed and myopic, topper on. Shit, that's even creepier than Drowzee NORMALLY is!


So anyway, I kick his ass, and take his lunch money as well as what's probably a TM, and then head on my merry way. In the next area I find... a maneki neko ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maneki_Neko ). Alright, in all fairness, that IS what Meowth was based on, but... wow. I'd expect to see that sitting on the counter of a Chinese food store, the only thing it's missing is the collar and a bib. Actually I think it's kinda cute, just weird.



Well, since I seem to have a habit of killing them in one hit, I think I'm going to call it here and just spend my time trying to catch one. So have a good week, I'll see you next time, and remember, Drowzee likes the dreams of children the best, because they taste sweeter. (Seriously, look it up in his pokedex entrees.)