The second room I walk into is occupied by an old man in a business suit, and I'm pretty sure he told me to get the hell out of his room. I think that's a rather fair reaction, all things considered. The next room though seems to be inhabited by all girls, and I fear for my character's little ten year old male soul. As it turns out, there were only two girls and the other one was just an effete looking boy. Oh well! Anyway, I escape the room and drag my poisoned self off to the PokeCenter... bastards. Upon my return, I battle again, and then run off to be unpoisoned once more. Hey, hey guys... guys... hey guys... EVOLVE YOUR DAMN NIDORAN MALES!!!! He shouldn't even HAVE Poison Sting until he hits Nidorino... cheating bastards.
Well, be that as it may, I return to the ship, and run into this:
And... he looks more like a plant out of a Studio Ghibli film than a fire dog. I'm waiting for Nausicaa to ride through on a giant beetle slug. There seem to be two of them... the Growlithes, not the giant beetle slugs, but my Meowth beats them in the face until all their money falls out, netting me over twelve hundred, plus the trainer's lunch money. I fucking LOVE Pay Day!
Um... I don't think this guy's seen a woman in a long time, and he's uh... he's willing to settle for a little boy... Because as we all know, much like elves, little boys don't count. I'm scared about the outcome of this battle in a way I haven't been scared since Buffalo Bug Catcher Bill. I mean... at least all HE would have done would be torture me and then skin me, possibly alive. I don't even want to KNOW what this guy's got planned... but I'm afraid it might involve a Cloyster in somewhere no Cloyster should ever go, and a Tentacruel. Yeah, think about that. Do it. DO IT!!!!! Are you scared? ARE YOU SCARED?! Yeah, I thought so.
Alright, well it wasn't a Tentacruel, but it's prevolution, and uh... well it looks even more like a giant derp face... until you notice where his eyes really are... and then he looks like he's wearing a FABULOUS HAT, but is most displeased that you noticed... He also kinda looks like he has a beak, and that's a little freaky. Jellyfish don't need beaks, they need... well to stay the hell away from me. Go live in the deep water like the rest of the creepy fish, and stop stinging people on beaches!
In any case, I beat the Sailor with my Balls (possibly what he wanted?) and then go on about my merry way.
Look... At... His... FACE!!! My GODS, what the hell happened to this man? He looks even more like he had a stroke than Grimer! Jesus dude, you shouldn't be keeping this man below decks on a cruise ship, you should have him in the infirmary! I don't even want to fight him, the poor bastard, but apparently I don't have a choice. I beat him, and take his lunch money... or perhaps the money he was planning on putting towards his hospital bill... and I don't think I've ever felt like more of an asshole. With guilt riding me like a Tijuanan prostitute, I continue on my trek through the ship.
And find this, apparently. Wow, really? REALLY?! I can't even think of what to say about this, except that that horse has a leaf growing out of its ass, and the creators just copied and pasted Sandshrew's face onto the horse, and then messed with the eyes in the hopes no one would notice.
Well Meowth took care of that... and then tried to learn a new move, but I thought it was asking me if I wanted to switch Pokemon, so when I said yes, and it brought up my move list, I freaked out and backed out of it.. and then hit yes when it asked me if I was sure I wanted to give up learning the new move. Oops. Whatever it was, I could have replaced Growl with it. Oh well, nothing for it now. Moving along.
And once more, I run into my old rival Green. Gone is the laid back, superior, smirky bastard I knew and loved, and in his place is a serious, determined young man, complete with backpack, having apparently finally graduated from fanny pack. He looks so... earnest. It's nice to see that this trip is maturing him, but... I think I liked the smirking, smug bastard a bit better. I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANYMORE GREEN!!!
How the hell do you get a level 16 Raticate? Rattata doesn't evolve until level 20. Not that... I'm really complaining about his underleveled Pokemon that let me make bitches out of them, but I'm just saying. If Rattata evolved that early, then maybe I would have bothered to raise him a little bit.
Yep. That's Charmeleon. Wow. Um... I'm just not gonna touch that. Moving RIGHT along...
I kick Green's ass, and take his lunch money, as is customary in this intricate mating dance in which we find ourselves, and he's back to giving me over a grand. Oh yeah, he wants me. Anyway, it's time to continue on my way through the ship, and see what else I'm supposed to do here.
Apparently, I'm supposed to sit here and watch the ship's captain throw up in a trash can. Ew. You know what's grosser than that though? I checked the trash can. What? There might have been valuable loot in there, that he was just barfing on! DON'T JUDGE ME! This isn't Final Fantasy Tactics Advance
! THIS... IS... POKEMON!!!!!!!!
And now that I made several references that I'm sure no one will get, I suppose I should mention that I got something from the captain after watching him blow chunks. I think it's Cut. Time to see who can learn it! Sadly, it looks like only Ivysaur can rise to the occasion, so I replace Poison Powder with it, and go on about my way. Time to get the hell off this boat, and open the oyster that is the world! Or something like that. The literal translation is that I'mma go loot the hell out of all the areas I haven't been able to get into before.
After I leave the ship, it hauls ass. Aw, was it something I said? Now I know that with Cut, I should technically go to the Gym and take that place out, but I don't want to, not yet. Instead, I'm going back to Diglett's cave, and I'm going to go out the other side, and loot the routes for the things only available once you get Cut, so nyah! Of course... the flaw in my plan is that I don't know what I'll be getting, so I probably won't ever use the items, but shut up! No one asked you to be all LOGICAL about it!
Well, after countless hours of playing the newer generation Pokemon games, I'd forgotten that in the original, you couldn't just talk to the plant and have your Pokemon cut it, you have to actually go into the menu and TELL it to use Cut. Well, I only spent three minutes talking to a tree, that's perfectly normal, right? *cough* Anyway, I scamper about and find a house to check out, and receive another move from a scientist, who, of course, made inquiries about my Pokedex. Not about my fragile little ten year old health, but about how many vicious little murdering monsters I had caught. It's so NICE to know that these people are concerned about my welfare, don't you agree?
Alright, I don't know any of the other stuff I got, but I'm pretty sure I got the Old Amber, since I went and talked to a scientist in the side building of the museum. I guess I should go back and take care of that Gym now, huh? Damn. Alright, alright, back to the plot I go. *grumble grumble*
If I remember correctly, this should be the electric type gym, and while I probably COULD just force my way through with my normal crew, I figure I might as well use that level 20 Diglett I wasted a Pokeball on, so let's see how this goes!
Diglett dig, Diglett dig, Diglett dig! Yes, I'm both referencing the anime, AND telling you my strategy for this gym. It works really well too, since almost all everyone's attacks misses me, and their electricity does nothing to Diglet anyway. The only people that even do any damage to me are the Pikachus with Quick Attack, and one Voltorb that got in a lucky tackle. When it comes time to take on Lt. Surge, I find the switches after minimal searching, and without the need to reset. Now I told you that story to show you this:
Once again, you can almost HEAR the Goofey-esque "aw-hyulk!" coming from it. I know that he's supposed to be a rodent, but is he supposed to look THAT much like a kangaroo rat balloon? (With my luck, the answer is yes, but I don't care enough to look it up.) As with all the others, he tries to use his shocky powers, but they fail in the face of the Rock/Ground combo. Suck it Thunder Squeak, your ass is mine. (No, seriously, Raichu means Thunder Squeak. Go look it up.) Now with badge and some TM or other in hand, I continue on my adventure in the wide world of Pokemon... or at least in Kanto.
And on that note, I think I'm going to end our time together this week here. It's been a real thrill, but I need recharge my Pokebatteries, and I know what you guys are really here for: Pokemon Black... or potentially bad pictures of even worse sprites. Either way, tune in Monday for more Pokemon Black, and I'll be back next weekend to place hold for you some more. Until then, please remember... Don't whiz on the electric fence.
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