I think you get Eevee here, so I'm going to wander around and poke things with sticks, until the evil little fluff ball falls out. After a bit of exploring and checking for back doors (giggity!), I find the malevolent floof, and carry him off to stick him in the computer and ignore him. What? I love Eevee and all the Eeveelutions, they're cute as buttons, and their fractal forms are currently my desktop, (I'm not a dork, screw you) they... suck. Moving RIGHT along before I get murdered by fanboys/girls and furries...
I have little idea of what's going on, but I enlisted some outside help to figure out what things are, and I leave the store with one of each evolution stone, except the moon stones which cannot be bought, and one each of the vending machine products. Why you ask? Because ONE of them bribes the way station guards. As it turns out, I'm right, and now I can go into whatever city they've been keeping me out of. Yay! But of course, what kind of Flailthrough would this be, if I didn't go to the Game Corner, and then beat the gym? And you know... do whatever plot related crap it is that I'm here to do.
I head back to the Celadon because as I recall one of the items heals more than super potions, and is cheaper... I should compare prices. As I'm up at the vending machines, I decide to talk to a little girl. She yells and then apparently asks me something. I say yes... and it seems like I have a choice to give her her my delicious liquid refreshments. Well, as we all know, when people ask for stuff, they either give you stuff in return, or do things for you. This is called the "barter system" and it's what rural society ran on before everything became so global and money-driven. Now I'm not saying it's right or better than capitalism, and in today's world any kind of large usage of this system would be impossible, but think about how nice it would be to, say, help a friend move, and get fed dinner as a reward? Or to give someone a soda, and have them give you something you wanted in return. Yeah... think about that... and despair, because you know it'll never happen.
Anyway, I start giving the girl my drinks and she starts giving me... TMs? I assume they're TMs because only those and HMs have a number at the end, and I doubt that little girls begging for drinks get to give them out. First she gives me TM13, and then 48 and 49. A quick look up tells me those are Ice Beam, Rock Slide, and Tri-Attack. Thanks little girl! Considering I only spent like eight hundred fifty for the lot, and each TM is like a grand down stairs, that's actually pretty groovy, and almost makes up for the yelling and fifty questions before she just TAKES them. For now though, I'm going to stick them in my computer until I have a use for them.
Apparently I picked up a coin case while wandering around talking to people, which means it's gambling time! I investigate a few places until I find the casino, and then bug all of the occupants until they give me some coins. With those in my case, and fifty more from the counter, I begin playing slots. I'm not good at it... BUT! On the upside, each time I make more money than what I had, I back out and save, aren't I a clever little mushroom? That means if I lose all my money, I can just restart. It's a shame it's not a sophisticated enough system to break HORRIBLY like I did in Enchanted Arms
(Never heard of it? It's a surprisingly fun game, and easy to cheat within the game's own system. Try it sometime... I just suggest switching the vocals to Japanese. It'll still be subtitled in English, but you won't have to listen to GOD AWFUL dub job they did.), but I'll endure.I love that a smiley face pops up over my head when I talk to the slot machine. I guess it's not surprising, since this whole game is based on gambling, what with the cock fights and other trainers paying you when you win. Really though, I think the little "^_^" face is just cute in general.
For a bit of levity among the boring gambling portion of this section, I'd like to share with you something I found out when I accidentally clicked on my name instead of save:
Yep, Vegeta and Bulma (from Dragon Ball Z) are gym leaders. Who knew? I mean, Bulma, totally, why not? But Vegeta? You'd think he'd just, you know, use his Big Bang Attack (giggity!) and murder the FACE off some whatever impertinent little Earthling scum child that showed up to challenge HIS gym... ESPECIALLY if said child was a smug little bastard, like we've established Red is. Just to refresh your memory:
Yeah, Vegeta wouldn't stand for that shit, no belt full of tiny murderers needed. And now that we're THOROUGHLY off topic, back to gambling!
After losing over eight hours of my life, hours that I'll never get back, mind you, and only going from 100 to 230 coins, I do the smart thing and quit like a dirty little quitting quitter. Screw that, I'll come back after I get to do the Missingno trick and can duplicate beach scene-thirty of an item and just sell them all off for the cash. That way I can just BUY all the coins and then get the stuff I want from the rewards shop. What's in the rewards shop? Shit if I know, I haven't even been there. There's a shifty-looking guy talking to a poster in the back of the casino, and he looks like a plot bunny. I'll go poke him with a stick.
Well here's a big surprise, he's Team Rocket, and he yells at me. Needless to say, my confidence is just shattered by all the verbal abuse I've been taking from these people, and my nerves are shot. (SO not.) Anyway, he unsurprisingly attacks me, and I now I must do horrible, horrible things to him involving a giantly fat bird. My Fatty-otto is unimpressed by his Raticate and Abomination-bat, and he flounces away in a fit of pique. That's a great word, pique. I wish people still used it more often.
I digress, anyway, he stomps off and I decide that I should talk to the poster... because I'm crazy. As it turns out, the poster yells at me... or maybe it's the game itself, who know? In any case, it opens a door, and what's a 10 year old to do, but go stick his nose in where it doesn't belong? Actually, I lied, I went back to the PokeCenter and healed up. I mean, the grunt DID get a few hits in, and if this is that infernal tile dungeon I remember somewhere in this game, then I'm probably not going to be getting out of here any time soon, and I'd like to be prepared.
I'd like to point out that I might be in trouble here though. Everyone in my party is at least at level 27, and there are a lot of trainer battles here... this is significant because I'm pretty sure my little murderers are going to stop listening to me once they hit level 30. Wish me luck, guys.
Actually, common sense has just broken through, and I've decided to go visit the gym instead, so I can raise the level cap on Pokemon I can control. Yeah, I faked you out, but honestly, I WAS intending to do the awful dungeon first. Seriously. Anyway, I talk to an old man, and he yells at me, but I can still go into the gym, and that's all that matters.
When I walk inside, I quickly realize this is the all girl gym... and thus is a plant type gym, because as we all know, the only thing ANY girls ANYWHERE care about are pretty pretty flowers, and cute cuddly animals. It is at this point that I'd like to bring up the significance behind the gesture of sending flowers to women. It was originally how a man let a lady of the night know that he would be calling on her. In lay terms? Men sent flowers to whores to let them know that they'd be coming by for some ass. Yeah. Think about that, and the next time your girlfriend tells you she wants a bouquet of expensive-ass roses for Valentine's Day, look her straight in the eye and say, "But baby... I love you FAR too much to EVER treat you like a whore." Trust me. Just do it, you'll either save some cash, or get rid of a gold digger. Go with chocolate.
Speaking of whores, the first girl I run into, throws out this:
That looks like a REALLY ill-conceived condom (do you see what I did thar?). I mean, it looks like they tried to make some kind of novelty condom, and just... lost sight of what they were doing. OR, and stick with me here, it was created by a mad sadist. Look at it. Think about... THINK ABOUT IT! You can't unsee this!
And on the topic of condoms and sadism, I spent most of that battler asleep and wrapped. I also want you to consider that. Evil sadist condom, unconscious tied up victim. You don't have to be a rocket surgeon to see where I'm going with that. While I have you as unwilling passengers on this train of thought, I should point out that the person that used this Pokemon, and those moves, was of the 'Lass' trainer variety. You know, the ones that look shocked and surprised all the time, and wear miniskirts. Mmhmm... you ain't foolin' me honey. I see what you're doing there. Perv. Moving RIGHT along.
This is the next trainer that I fight:
I think she's some kind of praying mantis or stick bug. Oh, I know the sprite didn't change THAT much from this to the US releases, but I wanted to point out that bitch looks frightening. Look at her hand, for gods' sake! She has a PINCER! And that expression she's wearing... Needless to say, THIS is the bitch you'd think would be knocking you out and tying you up... and then, you know, eating your head mid-copulation.
In a FANTASTIC display of comedic timing, her Oddish puts me to sleep, and then sucks the life out of me with Absorb, before poisoning me... and continuing to suck the life from me! Ten thousand points for the gods of comedic timing! To make things even better? Her next Pokemon is a Bellsprout, who pretty much immediately Wraps me. Next is going to be the head biting off, mark my words. Alright, I was wrong, I was paralyzed and then wrapped again. You know, I'm pretty sure even in the first games Wrap wasn't supposed to last for like 10 rounds.
Her next two Pokemon are also an Oddish followed by a Bellsprout. Since my Meowth was paralyzed, I switched out for Gyarados, the god of the original Pokemon, and the first thing the Oddish did was paralyze him too. Guess what the Bellsprout did. Yeah, Wrap. You know... this gym is turning into a horrible adventure in S&M that I hadn't expected to find in what is largely a kids' game. The only upside is that with Gyarados' defense, Wrap is barely doing anything to him, other than preventing him from attacking, the damage is pretty well minimal... it's just annoying as SHIT! And the paralyzed status means that even if I DO break the wrap, I might not be able to move, which means the Bellsprout can just wrap me right back up. Fucker.
Ultimately, I triumph over Mantis Girl, and then run like a little bitch back to the PokeCenter. Shut up. I'd like to point out how UTTERLY ridiculous this is, considering it's a group of level 20 Pokemon, and they were beating up level 27 Pokemon, one of which was Gyarados. Yeah. Cheating goddamn computer.
A refreshing break from the S&M Bellsprouts, I run into a Picknicker with a Bulbasaur and an Ivysaur. And as a reward for all my hard work, my Meowth evolves into... into... this:
I think I died a little inside. It kinda looks like a gazebo... or some frightening novelty children's tent that's supposed to be cute, but isn't. I'm just gonna... you know... back away slowly here and ignore it for now.
I decide to slip off and make another stop by the PokeCenter, and then head over to the department store to pick up a few more antidotes... since I can more or less recognize the symbol for poison now, and some super potions... or whatever it was that healed more but costs less... I'll have to look into that while I'm at it.
I'm getting kinda annoyed at being yelled at for being an icky boy... HOLY SHIT! It IS an S&M gym! I have proof!
HA! I TOLD you so! Her first Pokemon out of the gate? Condombell. Gloom looks about normal, in all his drooling, derping glory... or lack thereof. I end up paralyzed... AGAIN... but the important thing is I beat the Naughty Pokenurse.
I have to fight another Mantis Girl, and she sends out this:
Alright, so it still looks like a cluster of cracked eggs like always, but look at the one on the left... no, MY left. Yeah, that one. He strangely enough reminds me of Crabbe or Goyle from the Harry Potter series, with that look of vacant look of malevolent stupidity. The one on the right kinda reminds me of Malfoy... Alright gang, it's official, Exeggcute is really just Draco's entourage transfigured into eggs... and they prove this by making the screen flash in a disturbing way... like cheesy special effects lightning. I don't know what it did, but it was ominous. They then hit me with the 70's, which somehow puts me to sleep. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and call that one Hypnotize, but I'm not sure how anyone could fall asleep to that atrocious disco music. Now that I'm asleep, they've decided to throw rocks at me. How much more Slytherin could you get? And apparently they can throw as many rocks at me as they want per turn. Bastards. I beat them anyway, but they were damn annoying.
Finally it's time for the gym leader... who does NOT yell at me! What a refreshing change, especially in this gym. She looks pretty chill too, the only things I can really think to nitpick about are the fact that her one arm looks broken because of the broken line of pixels, and her hands look like they only have three fingers... yes, that includes the thumb.
Her first Pokemon is Victreebel:
I shall call him, the emasculator. Look at him. Doesn't he just LOOK like the tool for the job? And unsurprisingly, he uses Wrap. Fucker. He's also level 29, which is making me think maybe, juuuuust maybe, I should have, you know, trained my Vulpix up to use in this gym *cough*. My bad.
Jheri Curls. Seriously, you remember the red hair monster from Bugs Bunny, that had the great big eyes and wore sneakers? This is CLEARLY his hipster son, who thought he was too good for the straight hair and sneakers look, noooo, he had to go out and get the Jheri Curls, and boots. Little douche. He also uses Wrap, which makes him a BIG douche.
So... Vileplume has a flower-fro. I'm not sure what else to say there, other than Alakazam took him out with no trouble. Apparently the 70's is super effective against flowers... which makes sense if you assume flowers represent the chill hippy movement of the 60's. Or maybe it doesn't make sense. I don't really care, I beat Erica, and that's the important thing. She talks to me in a very relaxed way, ups my limit cap to level 50, and gives me TM21. Thanks hun, you're a peach (See what I did thar?).
With badge in hand, I can now go back to the Team Rocket Dungeon, and smack some bitches up... and scream at the infuriating tile puzzles. However, that's going to have to wait for another time. That's right, I'm calling it here for this week folks. Until next time, remember... the Celadon Gym is full of sadistic praying mantises. Good night!
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