Alright, so... Yes on the fighting types, and oh crap, I should have level ground before coming here. The first trainer seems to have all level 31 Pokemon, and my Persian of the same level cannot stand against them. My Pidgeotto does fine though, but I think discretion may be the better part of valor here, and I might need to go screw off for a while in Lavender Town to train... and maybe catch a freaking Cubone. Before I go though, I'd like to show you this:
Fernmonkey has become ANGRY! No longer does he have soft, squishy tendrils, but large hooks for horrible, mutilating gouging... and horribly mutilating and gouge me he does. I'm pretty sure that was Fury Swipes, and after hitting five times, even being not very effective, he takes me from 80 hp down to 5. OUCH! Yes, my friends, it's back to the level grinding of DOOM! Screw you guys, I'm OUT of here!
I took a detour down a bridge south of Lavender Town to beat some trainers since Persian can't do anything to ghosts, and then made my way back to the tower, only to head into the tower and see this:
Woops... Apparently I can't fight it, and need to go back and get the Silph Scope... damn, I was hoping that you only needed that for the dead Marowak.
I manage to grab the right item, on the first try no less, and I'm back to mindless level grinding. Wee. In the course of said grinding, this came up:
So he seems to have slimmed back down... or at least moved all that at into better defined drumsticks and larger wings. You know, actually I think it's time to take this birdie to the butcher, he looks like he'd make a BITCHIN' bucket of extra crispy... with some mashed potatoes and gravy... mm... I might be a little hungry, but come on... who DOESN'T want Kentucky Fried Pidgeot?
So I cheated a little. I wanted to know at what level Raichu FINALLY learned Thunder, so I'd have something better than just crappy old Thundershock... and I found out that he DOESN'T learn ANY moves at all. Once you evolve him from Pikachu, he has absolutely bubkiss. My anger at this cannot actually be expressed into words, but I did mention aloud that I was going to start screaming into my hat. I actually did not, instead I looked up what TM taught Thunder, and found that I had picked it up... and then sold it because, durr hurr, I thought Raichu would learn it on his own. Then there was much screaming. I found that I still had the TM Lt. Surge gave me, and that was likely an electric move, so I taught it to Raichu, and... yes, it's has the electric move animation... plus some good old fashioned seizure inducing flashing. Apparently "10, boat, wavy h, cross in a mountain with windblown hair, JL, pike blade" is katakana for "epilepsy". The more you know~!
I just thought I'd share the lovely collection of foliage I get to stare at while leveling Venusaur. It's like being in a jungle~! Or at the very least on a sad little postage stamp sized balcony somewhere in downtown trying desperately to delude yourself about where you are and bring a little color to your miserable grey, or in this case green, life.
With all of my Pokemon at at least level 35, I return to the fighting gym in Saffron. I take out the next trainer's Machop, and them am confronted with this:
It's... Cookie Monster on steroids... after an extended stay in prison. (Little known fact, that huge on top, tiny lower body physique is characteristic of people in prison, since they have all the time in the world to work out, and not a damn clue how to do it properly.) Now if my 'roid-prison theory is correct, this could go very, very badly for me if I lose. Let's just say I'm worried about dropping the soap here. Luckily Raichu hits him with Epilepsy, and takes him out. Hooray Epilepsy!
I've also noticed that apparently being martial artists means you have to yell a lot. Silly me, I should have known, what with Bruce Lee and his angry chicken noises. Anyway, with my newly leveled up team, I make short work of the trainers until I get to the leader. He then sends this out at me:
His fiercely cross-eyed ways, and the Cheeto and gumball stuck to his foot don't do much to instill fear into me, despite his higher level. It doesn't scare Alakazam ether, because he takes Hitmonlee out with a single round of brain rape. Next up is predictably this:
He looks like Togekiss peering over the back of a Doduo... Did you see that movie? Crouching Doduo, Hidden Togekiss? Anyways, he is similarly two levels higher than me, and Alakazam remains unimpressed, raping his brain with ease. After being yelled at some more, I'm pretty sure that I'm allowed to take one of the Pokeballs in back, and after a quick trot back to the PokeCenter to heal and make a hole in my party, I pick Hitmonchan. I chose him, because I'm pretty sure I chose Hitmonlee in Blue, and it's not like it really matters anyway, since I'm just going to stuff him in a box and never let him see the light of day. I'm such a wonderful trainer, I know.
Now that I've finished with that, and since I'm sure I still can't get into the normal gym, I'm going to go Poke the largest building in town that I CAN get into, and see what's going on in there.
The bottom floor contains absolutely nothing, but honestly, I've come to expect that. I know that this building is important though, because there was a Rocket Grunt outside that yelled at me, and furthermore there are stairs AND an elevator. Clearly this is the most important building thus far in the game! There's certainly a lot of water on the bottom floor, and I'm not aure I appreciate the mile long trek around it.
That... is VERY unfortunate lab coat placement right there. It looks either like he's got a tail, or some VERY deformed anatomy. I also have the strange urge to give him a wedgie, a swirly, and then shove him in a trash can after taking his lunch money. What? Look at him! He's practically BEGGING for it!
Spwee! Magneton looks like it's made out of balloons! I know I didn't put up a picture of Magnemite, but each one in this cluster looks like it either had an intimate relationship with a helium tank, or they ate every other Pokemon they came across until they grew large enough to have their own gravitational pull, and electromagnetic poles, thus attracting them together.
Oh... my... GOD! LOOK AT HIS NOSE!!!!! I can't stop staring at it!!! And neither can he! It looks like his genitals are on his face!!! He had a receding earline too. Oh my god! This is the most horrible thing I've seen in this game! If I've said that about anything else before, then I was lying. This is going to haunt my NIGHTMARES!! ... Which is what Hypno wants... it's the perfect set up! He gives you nightmares so he can eat your dreams! I kill it! I kill it with LEAVES! (What? I don't have a fire type, shut up.)
I've forgotten what floor I'm on... damn it. I know I need to a key or something in order to get to some of the teleport pads and the items but... I have no idea where to get it, and, as I've mentioned, I have no idea what floor I'm on. I also run into this transvestite:
Nice dress there boss... where the hell are your pupils? In other bizarre news, one of the Rocket Grunts has a level 26 Rattata. Why? Just... why? Why do you hate yourself? Because I can't think of any other possible explanation for that.
Well, all that aside, I warp to yet another floor, and try to sneak around Green, but his bat-like ears hear the sound of my footsteps, and he accosts me before I can sneak over and talk to another person. I have no idea what he's yelling out, but, as always, I'm drawn into a battle with him. Oh joy. His fatty fat fat bird has also evolved into Pigeot, but one round of Epilepsy from my Raichu takes it down. (Seriously, this attack looks like they were trying to induce seizures, and it just goes on WAY too long or comfort.) WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! He sends out this at the end of his line up:
"Hurr hurr, I'mma a Durrgon!" he seems to say. Seriously, he looks like a cheap plushie dragon. You know what, I think this is my favorite derp sprite, if only for the humor value. Hilarity aside, he almost takes out my Alakazam, but luckily for me, he flinched, allowing me to kill him with only 4 hit points remaining, AND I get a level out of it. Go me.
Anyway, Green is apparently feeling particularly verbose today, so I let him talk, yell, and question me, though I never have a chance to respond, which is a good thing. I also notice that he seemed to yell my name no less than three times during this dialog. Oh yeah babe, scream for me... I digress. He walks off, hops on a teleport pad and then spins away. After Green dramatically leaves my life once more, I talk to the other guy in the room and get this:
I'm not even sure what to say about this... except perhaps that we've found Professor Slughorn's namesake. He kinda looks like he's made out of ice cream... and it's melting. In any case, I back out, shove him in a box, heal up, and then make my way back to the building. There's a Master Ball here... I can TASTE it! ... It tastes kinda salty.
I get up to the top floor, and despite my best efforts, I can't sneak around Giovanni and catch him in a back attack... shut up, you know you try to do it too. Despite all of his Pokemon being close to my level, Nidorino, Khanguskhan, and Rhyhorn all fall before my dragony might. I switch out when he levels, and I get this:
Do you remember that episode of Futurama, where they visited the Slurm factor? Do you remember the Slurm Queen? Yes, I'm fighting the Slurm Queen. Let's just hope my Persian doesn't get dunked in hyper-concentrated Slurm, and get turned into another Slurm Queen.
As it turns out, I beat the bitch with little problem, and then Giovanni yells at me some more, before ninja'ing off into the night. Some fat bald guy yaps my ear off, and yells a bit, but finally gives me the Master Ball. Mm, Master Ball. I'd lick it if I could. I'm only two steps away from the Missingno trick, and I have one of the most important items I need for it. Life is good.
I don't know if you noticed, but I've forgotten... oh most everything about this game, and constantly have problems figuring out where I am, and what's going on... but I remember EVERY SINGLE STEP to the Missingno trick. Talk to the old guy and watch him catch a Pokemon, fly to Cinnabar, surf along the coast, encounter Missingno, run away, end up with times sunny day on a mountainside-zero of the sixth item in your bag, profit! What does this tell you about me? That's right, I'm a whore. A dirty, nasty, cheating whore. Some would say, that if I cheated on a video game, I'd cheat on my boyfriend... but that's ok, because the game won't know I'm doing it either.
This is where I leave you for the week, gentle readers. Until then, remember: It doesn't matter what they say, I know I'm gonna love you any old way. What can I do, when it's true? I don't want nobody, nobody... because baby, it's you.
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