My horrible, horrible gambling addiction aside, there IS a practical purpose for me being here. After getting out of the tower, or building, or whatever, I went to go buy some more... whatever kind of Pokeballs they had at that store, I noticed that I had a retarded amount of money. Like, almost max money for the game. I love Pay Day. If I could make love to that move, I would. So after spending a lot of it on various things, one of which I think is some kind of potion, I'm down to almost 88 grand, and I figure I can waste some of it buying tokens. What do I plan to spend these tokens on, you ask? (You don't really, I just asked for you.) I don't know yet. Maybe a Dratini... or the Porygon... assuming I can figure out what anything is, I mean.
I have another reason for the mindless gambling... it's called three hours of interrupted sleep. About all I'm up for is gambling... well, or mindless leveling, but this is somehow more fun... It's my game, and I'll play it however I want!
Well considering how damn expensive everything I wanted was, I got the cheapest Pokemon I could that I was sure was not absolute crap that I already had... so I got this:
He's gonna smite you with his switch arms... and they look like the really flexible types too, you know, the ones you NEVER wanted your parents to get a hold of before they beat your ass... in fact he LOOKS like he's getting ready to smack a bitch. You know what? I'm SO not going to feel bad about sticking him in the computer and forgetting his existence.
Back on track, I head over to Saffron once more, and take on the gym. Suddenly! Slowpokes EVERWHERE! Also goddamn warp tiles. In addition to the Slowpokes, I get this:
First of all, he looks like he's eating his arm. Second of all, I'm not sure why he's doing half a paladin pose when there's A GIANT MONSTER BEHIND HIM EATING HIS ASS! What the hell?! Does he have CIPA? (Congenital insensitivity to pain with anhidrosis... What? Watch House
.) Whatever his deal is, he looks like a re-re, and I'll have nothing further to do with him. After a single round of Epilepsy from my dreaded Thunder Squeak, he goes down like a two dollar dock hooker.I HATE warp tiles. Anyway, I wonder around and finally get to the center to take on the Gym Leader... Now if you remember earlier me mentioning that she looked like Bulma? Well, with the full view, I'm actually gong to revise that, and go with Chichi... partially for the hair, and partially because because she looks like a psycho:
What'cha planning to do with that whip, crazy lady? On a side note, does anyone remember in the original Dragonball when they first introduced Chichi, and she had a helmet with an axe blade that could cut through freaking anything, and she could throw it like a boomerang? BEST SEIZURE HELMET EVAH!!!
Tangent aside, her Kadabra rapes my Venusaur into the ground... and then the half of its health I had managed to take, is healed with a potion. Fuck you, Chichi. Of course, Gyarados takes out Kadabra in two hits... before I remember to revive Venusaur so he could get some needed XP. Oops. What the HELL just happened? I killed this Mr. Mime, like he SERIOUSLY had NO hitpoints left... and then his entire health returned. Cheating whore!
I don't actually know what this one is. Seriously. It looks like a winged tadpole with a trident on its head. Apparently it's supposed to be Venomoth? If you say so. Whatever it is, it paralyzes me and then spits loogies at me. I beat it anyway though. Alakazam finishes her line up, and I manage to beat him with like 6 hp left. Have I mentioned that I love Gyarados yet? Well I do. All other Pokemon are as redheaded step children to him... Except Mew and MewTwo, but I don't have them yet, so my point stands.
Here's a big surprise, Chichi yells at me. She also informs that I can now control Pokemon up to level 70, but I'd rather she just closed her bitch mouth. She hands me TM 46, which would be great if I knew what it was... and then screams the explanation at me... which does not help, since I don't read Japanese. Go choke on power pole, bitch. To add insult to injury? I have to slog my way back through the annoying warp tiles in order to get out. Screw you AND your gym design.
I was going to say something witty, but I COMPLETELY forgot about it. So I'll just admit to being lost. I think I'm supposed to go poke a Snorlax with a stick. Um... of course, now I have to find out what item is the Pokeflute.
I try key items until one actually does something, and get into a battle with the Snorlax. He looks like a Snorlax, you know, like a fat sack of fatty fat fat. I'm pretty sure I won't be able to catch him, but I'll try anyway, because you never know. Oh wow, I actually caught him... and it only took FIVE Great Balls to do it. Whore.
With the giant roadblock of fat out of the way, I continue south to see what's going on down here. A trainer and a house, in which I get something... I dunno what it is, but it's a key item. After a bit of searching... and by that I mean I walked out of the house, which is on a dock, and tried to use the item... I find that I now have a mighty rod. I'll have to get fishing now, so I can fill my boxes with fish. I'll fry them later.
I manage to catch a Krabby... and then kill it. Oops. It looks the same as always though, so it doesn't need a picture. Well fish nuts... I keep killing everything I catch. Stupid level 15 water Pokemon! Time to find a PokeCenter and pull out something lower level. Alright, I popped out my Nidorina and managed to bag a Krabby. Now I just have to catch all that other crap I need and then I can move on with my life, and this flailthrough.
I also manage to bag a Poliwhirl, Slowpoke, Tentacool, Goldeen and this:
Look about par for the course, except for the GIANT fat cheeks... and the fact that he has no neck. Moving right along. After flying all over hell and half of Georgia, I can't find a Poliwag anywhere, so fuck it... And then I run into someone with a level 24 Magikarp. Why would you even DO that to yourself? He has TWO apparently! What the HELL is wrong with this man? He must not love himself...
The next trainer I run into? Level 29 Nidoran male. WHY?! STOP HITTING THE DAMN B BUTTON YOU RETARDS! As it turns out, I've fallen into the land of unevolved Pokemon, because the next two trainers I deal with all have stupidly high level first evolutions (level 24 and 19 pidgeys and a level 24 rattata). You guys fail as trainers, I hope you know.
So I tried to teleport back to Lavender Town to heal up and refresh my PP... and ended up back in Pewter City. Needless to say, I was annoyed. So I flew to Vermilion, since that looked closer to where I had left off, and then scooted off to the east... on a route I've apparently not been on before, and so get into a bunch of battles. I was about to be done with the area, when I run into this guy:
I don't remember if they had this sprite in the American versions, because it's been a while since I played, so I felt I should show him to you. As you can see by his expression, he's clearly from the Wobbuffet family.. in fact I think, and stick with me here, he is, in fact, a Wobbuffet in a man suit.
So I wandered through a way station and went upstairs to talk to the people present... Some kid wants some Pokemon from me, but I'll be damned if I know which and for what. Screw him. One of Oak's lackeys is there as well, and he babbles at me for like, an hour after forking something over, but I have no idea what the hell it is. Moving along then.
I get back on track, and return to the maze of trainers in the land of unevolved Pokemon. In this land, there are a number of Bird Keeper type trainers, so I'm seeing a lot of Pidgeys and Spearows ar ridiculous levels. Then I run into this:
I'm really too tired to come up with some clever way to describe how this looks and make some witty remark about what it resembles, so just assume that I did, because all I've got is some vague reference to a grab claw machine, and SpongeBob's pet snail, Gary. So... just come up with something out of that, and work in a penis reference,.. even though it doesn't look like one. Everything's funnier when there's a penis. Well known fact, especially algebra.
You know, I don't think I ever bothered to get a picture of Fearow...
Remedied. He doesn't really look TOO different from his current incarnation, but I can't remember of he has the stupid comb on his head... or the little tumor face on his chest. Either way, it's not really important, I was just getting bored and thought you might be doing the same. See? I'm just thinking about YOU guys here. Because I love you so.
So I'm sitting here, playing with one eye open, falling asleep, like I do, and a trainer sends out THIS:
I'm crying now. Not because I've ever actually liked Wigglytuff or anything, I've always thought it pretty dumb looking, but because it scared me. It looks like it's been living on a diet of sugar, espresso and meth... but without the weight loss benefits of the latter. It looks like it stared too long into the void, and the void stared back... with crazy. I don't know, I can't think of anything witty to say, because continuing to look at it is making me cry more, because it just scares me more the more I stare. So I kill it with birdiness, and now I'm going to go find a corner to sit in and shake while assuring myself that it can't hurt me anymore.
No rest for the wicked, and this is my next unpleasant surprise:
Zonguldak.
Well I FINALLY made it to Fuchsia City... or whatever color it is I'm supposed to be at... and while I've been trying to do two events per post, there are a buttload of trainers I avoided to get here so I could use the PokeCenter without having to run back over hell and half of Georgia to recover the ground I'd already been over, so I'm going to go back and take them out, and just call the post here, because it's boring. Tomorrow I'll take on any interesting plot points as well as the gym... and I'm reasonably sure that it's Vegeta's gym, so this could be AWESOME. So until tomorrow, this is Mr. New Vegas reminding you that you're nobody until somebody loves you... and that somebody is me. I love you...
Goddamn Fallout
! *shakes fist*
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