With all that out of the way, I make my way over to head up to Victory Road, and run into... Green. Again. Hey buddy, how's it going? Should I assume well by the way you're screaming my name? That's alright baby, shout it, scream it, curse it, I don't care. As long as it's my name you say.
Did that just make it weird in here? Well I stand by what I said. Anyway, he asks me questions, yells at me, and then drags me into a battle... so it's a pretty typical encounter. Well, his Alakazam manages to kill my Venusaur, and I find out I'm about eight levels lower than I should be to make my life easy. Oh well, I'll level in the next area. Despite all that, I still beat Green like the unloved little orphan he is, and set him to screaming at me before he stomps off.
Alright, that's probably not fair. He's not ENTIRELY unloved, I mean... *I* love him. Why else would I put up with his dick assery? Anyway, with him off to take on the Elite Four and defeat them before me, I continue on my merry route. I head into the building, and then have to deal with a bunch of annoying cops that keep stopping me and yelling at me. I get to what seems to be an ocean, and on a whim, fish... and manage to pull up a Slowbro. Let's hope I can catch him, because then I won't have to level up my Slowpoke. Awesome sauce, I manage to catch it. Time to backtrack and see what that one guy wanted. I'm SO specific, aren't I?
Wow... apparently I completely flaked on an entire route, since there's still a Snorlax here. Oops. That's weird, I must have accessed the guardhouse from a different route. Still, I'll take on this route since I'm here, and net some experience and a little bit of money. I've already managed to catch a Doduo and the other Snorlax. Why you might ask? Because I WANTED to! And... you know... I'll have something that's crap to trade over to Red for some of the stuff I need.
Ah ha! Found the guy. Good times. Now I'll just follow this next route where ever it goes, so I can keep whoring up the experience. Clearly this had led me back to the land of unevolved Pokemon, since that first trainer had THREE level 26 Spearows. Seriously guys... evolve your Pokemon. Anyway, I catch a Fearow, which I hadn't realized that I needed until I checked my Pokedex. Once I buy up to twenty of each item I feel I'll need (Ultra balls, some kind of potion, and what I'm told are full heals and revives) I return to the route to Victory Road. Remember I mentioned that there were cops constantly stopping me to yell at me?
That's DEDICATION right there guys. Apparently keeping trainers out of Victory Road is SERIOUS BUSINESS. There are more cops here than anywhere else in the whole game. That Pokemafia theory is starting to sound preeeeetty reasonable right now, isn't it?
Well if my first battle is any indication, then Victory Road is inhabited by those creepy whip-toting trainers I've mentioned before. The second trainer battle backs up this theory and I'm beginning to wonder what kind of people the Elite Four are. This trainer leads off with a Venusaur, and then follows up with this:
You know, I'm not even sure what to say about him... except maybe that his "You want a piece of me?!" attitude would be A LOT more effective if it didn't look like he was farting a cloud, and his limbs didn't look like tumors rather than arms and feet.
The next level seems to consist of karate nuts and jugglers. I'm not sure what they have in common, but I think a Hypno sneezed on me. Can you catch creepy? Well if my Balls suddenly grow a giant, phallic nose, then we'll know. The whip and lollipop dual-wielding trainer makes an appearance on this floor as well, and he had the horrifying Golduck on his side... because it's not enough to have to deal with a pedo, you also have to worry about brain rape.
The third floor leads to another whip trainer, and he sends out this:
Slythrin eggs hatched into derp tree. The face on the far right is frozen in such an expression of horrified retardation that it makes me wonder what it is hat he can't unsee... but honestly, if it made me look like that, then I wouldn't want to know. I also do not appreciate the fact that it flings poo at me. Its preevolution did the same thing, and it wasn't cute then either. (See what I did thar?)
After a bit more exploration, I finally approach Moltres, the last of the legendary birds:
What horrible disease do he and Zapdos share that does that to their faces? Really!
He doesn't look much better close up, I have to say. He looks like he's trying to give Red a coy, come hither look... but I wouldn't rust the flaming bird. I mean, just THINK about that phrase. In the immortal words of Admiral Ackbar
, "It's a trap!"Three Ultraballs and a variety of dead Pokemon later, and I bag the birdie. Go me. Honestly, I really need to bounce and heal up, but... I dunno, maybe I'll be stubborn and press on. Well, since I'm not sure how the hell to get back out of here, I guess I'll press on, then. I manage to bag a Machoke in my random wandering around, so that's one less thing I need to level up.
As I try DESPERATELY to get the hell out of this dungeon, since half my pokemon don't have any PP left, I run into another whip-toting nurse type, and she throws out this:
I know, I know, it hasn't changed much, and what do I expect from a lump of bubblegum, but LOOK AT ITS TINY HEAD!!! It his a GIANT round, fat body and then a tiny TINY head! It looks like an egg drawn by someone that's never seen them before!
... Which might have been what they were going for. Well... there you go. Anyway... Apparently Egg-boy is a tiny defensive god, because it just took my Balls' Epilepsy move right in the face, and it barely hurt it... but... then Pigeot's Gust... just... killed it in... one hit... Wait, what the hell?!
Well I guess I'm not going to complain about it TOO much, since it means it's dead, and I get money. Onward to however the hell I get out of this damn place! On a side note, I've been trying to get a Graveler, so I won't have to level up my Geodude, and Gravelers... Gravelers are little fuckers! If you don't kill them in the first round, their second move is always, ALWAYS Self-Destruct. That Guy keeps giving me weird looks for screaming at the GBA SP.
The next trainer is another whip-carrying Gohan, and his first pokemon is this:
He's going to give you SUCH a pinch! Or, alternatively, he wants to pinch... just a leetle pinch? However you want to cut it, he goes down with just round of grassy goodness. This trainer seems to specialize in water type, and the fact that we've already established he's into S&M worries me when he sends out Tentacruel. I still manage to get rid of horrifying jellyfish, and then I'm met with this:
Um... I'm not really sure what to say here. I mean... he looks like a rubber suit monster that's starting to melt at the bottom. He too goes down wit a single round of grassy goodness, which makes the Tentacruel the strongest Pokemon in that party. Interesting.. and frightening.
The next S&M trainer specialized in grass-types, notably all grass types with Wrap. It's getting a little scary in here guys, seriously. This is supposed to be a kids' game, can we PLEASE stop pedobeasto-erotica?
Well I get to another level and talk to someone, hoping to provoke another fight, but all he does is yell at me about Green. Sorry dude, I'm TOTALLY not responsible for what he does. If you have a problem with him, you should probably take it up with him... Though you should be warned that the sheer power of his awesome will likely cow you.
FUCK YEAH I finally escaped! GODS that was HELL! You know the worst part? I'm going to go back in to catch a Graveler and power level a bit. Yes I hate myself, why do you ask?
Next weekend I shall take on the Elite Four!! And MewTwo's Dungeon!!!!!
Yes, the use of multiple exclamation points is a sign of a deranged mind... LOOK AT WHAT THIS GAME HAS DONE TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Oh god, I hurt myself laughing at this.
ReplyDeleteThe insults are legendary here! This was amazingly hilarious, even though I love Pokemon. Best parts were about Exeggutor and Moltres' face.
ReplyDelete