Mother (Earthbound 0) Flailthrough - Day 2 (Ha ha, Racism isn't funny.)

We begin out next trip by setting out of the house for the first time... and I have to say, I'm a bit underwhelmed. There's a whole lot of nothing outside, and aside from my trusty dog, who isn't as trusty as he was in the SNES version and won't travel with me, I see almost nothing. I start to think that this means no random battles, but then I remember that this is the NES, not the SNES, and that the encounters may not appear on the screen. About that time, I'm attacked by this guy right here.


I'm going to call him the Apathetic Centipede, because he appears to be shrugging. He's not too much of a fight to be honest, though he does do more damage to me than anything I've battled so far.



Ok, now here's the deal. I'm not going to show you every monster in this game since many of them aren't going to be that interesting, and it would probably end up boring the pants off of you. I will however do what I can to make sure you get a good picture of every funny and "what the hell am I looking at?" enemy in the game. For instance:



Now I'm not sure if you can make this out, but my guess is that if you can't then you're not laughing. This guy looks like he came out of one of those banned WW2 Warner Brother's cartoons, which I won't mention the names of here because I don't want to offend anyone. Let me assure you, those are coke bottle bottom glasses you're looking at, and this person has eyes so slanted that even the most ardent racist is going "Dude, too much." However, since this game is in every way Japanese, you are entitled in this situation to let out a hearty LOL, because they're the ones that went there, not you.

Laugh as I might, he then begins to violate my ten-year-old body with his pitch fork, and I have to reset.

No sooner do I step outside than I am met by this guy right here.


That's right, I'm being attacked by hippies. And the hippies, much like the walking pile of racism, are quite dangerous. I have to find which button is the "Run away screaming like a sissy," command, and make it out with one HP.

Now what I want to know is what sadistic bastard thought that having monsters that take huge chunks of your HP as soon as you exit your home was a good idea. That would be like having your character leave Pallet town and then fight Mewtwo on Route One... gods, I'm stuck on Pokemon still. MOVING ON!


Wow, just... Wow.

You know, I've never really been one to say that something, especially a video game, can set an example for behavior, but between the racism and the crow that seems to want you to smoke, I'd say so far this video game is freaking awesome in every respect. No, I'm not racist, I'd like to point that out, but it's just... I can't find words to express how funny this is, or why. It's a bit like watching a train wreck, only it's an unmanned, unoccupied train full of whoopie cushions hitting a museum of offensive humor. Afterward you just sit there and go, "... What the hell just happened?" and laugh because it's so insane.

Well, most if not all of the enemies around here are killing me quickly, so I guess it's going to take me a while to level up... or, I could just move on and have done with it, which sounds smashing to me.

I head south from my house, well, southeast to be exact, and find another dwelling over a short bridge. Outside there is a shockingly pink woman, who seems to be spinning in circles by the corner of her house, as one does. I speak with her, and she seems to be saying the same line of text over and over again, which given what she's doing will likely translate as, "Crazy, crazy, crazy!"


I continue south and eventually come to the first real sign of civilization that I've seen, which is a town. In Earthbound this town was called Onett, so that's what we're going to call it here, just to keep things slightly less confused. I wander around for a short while before finding, gods bless us, a department store.


I've started to notice that the colors in this game are quite vivid, but then again it could simply be because I have my Famiclone hooked in via S-Video, which makes everything seem a good deal sharper. I head inside and see the traditional ATM and pay phone, and that's when I really start hoping that I have a bank card, because I have NOTHING else in my inventory. Seriously, I don't even start the game with a bat, like you do in Earthbound. The one item in my inventory does, however turn, out to be a card, and I make my way up the stairs to see what I can find.


Hmm... Right, I'll come back to this floor later.

I make my way to the next floor and see a sign that says "sporting goods," and figure that this is what I'm looking for... Now I just have to hope that what I'm buying is a weapon, and not a hat.

Ok... I think that the Cracked Bat in Earthbound was $80, so I guess I'll try that and hope for the best... What's that? Why don't I save first in case I'm wrong?... well shit, it's too late now. At least whatever I bought equips, so I know it's an item I can equip. This message brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

My new... whatever, in hand... or possibly on head... or foot... or liver for all I can tell, I make my way back out to battle stereotypes and hippies to see if I'm any better off than I was before... And I am! Not only am I much less prone to being murdered in battle, but I found Peppermint Patty's friend, Marcie.


See?

That's where I'm going to call it this weekend. I need to do a good bit of power leveling before I'll be ready to figure out what the bloody damn hell I'm supposed to be doing plot wise. Hope it was at least mildly entertaining for you all!