We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 22

Alright kiddies, we're going into Cerulean Cave today, and if that doesn't just thrill you down to your toes, then maybe this will... Except for the Mew update in the distant future (I'm not kidding, it'll probably be months or something with my lazy ass) you won't have to hear from me ever again... I mean, you know, right up until I end up having to do another weekend feature. Why another weekend feature? Because as my father was fond of saying: "That girl has a lot of quit in her". Case and point, this review and how long it's taken me. I has the lazy, deal with it.

Now with my rambling out of the way, let's get this shit rolling, shall we?
There seems to be a random female trainer out here, near the cave, and I'm rather underwhelmed with her two level 31 Parases (Parasi?) and single Parasect. At least she evolved ONE of her Pokemon?


Inside the cave, it looks... well like a cave, all blue and green and white. I caught a Hypno, so my Drowzee can go to hell and rot in his box, and then I run into a Dodrio... which throws a triangle at me... what? Seriously though, it threw a freaking triangle at me, what the hell? Ultimately it doesn't really matter, because I caught the little bastard, and I can go on with my tip-toe through the stalagmites. After a jaunt back to the Pokecenter, and some flailing trying to figure out which of the damned items was the Super Rod, I head back into the dungeon and catch a Kingler. Woooo, feel my excitement... You know, that actually came out dirtier than I intended. Oh well.

As I wander merrily around, trying like hell to get all the items, I realize that I forgot to get the Master Ball out of my computer. Balls, BALLS I say!!!! And no, not my Raichu. So while I try desperately to get the hell out of here (I REALLY should pick up a couple Escape Ropes, huh?) I manage to pick up a Parasect, a Rhydon, and a Chansey. This is, of course, important for completion whoring purposes, but that's really about it. Just as a fun little, let's see how much trouble Angelique is in: I have two paralyzed Pokemon, and Gengar is pretty much completely out of PP while most of my Pokemon are down to somewhere around 10 hit points... oh sure, I have Max Potions and Full Heals... but years of playing RPGs has taught me to treasure every single item I get, and ONLY use one in serious TPKO situations... because I'm a freaking miser. Seriously, I do this even with crap I'm like, never going to use, it's actually kinda sad.

As I wander around trying to get all the items, which I have no idea what the hell they even ARE, I run into a stretch of land where I get into a battle every two steps. Great, right? WRONG. Apparently my Venusaur suddenly caught the Derpes and EVERYTHING is killing it, so not only is it getting pretty much NO xp, it's a drain on my resources. Little fucker. Of course the good news is I think I actually got all of the items that needed a side trip to get, and I'm pretty sure that I remember what ladder it is to get on the main path to take me to MewTwo, so this should actually get interesting in the near future. I hope you are as excited as I... because if you were any LESS excited, then you've probably been a corpse for at least a decade.

Well that was a big damn dead end. Booger. After taking pretty much every other offshoot under the damn sun, I FINALLY find the path I need... and then my Gengar is once more out of PP and half my pokemon are paralyzed. This dungeon, she is a cunt. I finally get down to the appropriate floor and... run into a level 55 Rhydon. Oops. I run away like a scared little bitch and Escape Rope my ass out of the dungeon so I can heal up before trying this all over again. Woo. In unimpressive news, on my trek back into the dungeon, I manage to pick up a Marowak, which means the only things I need still in this dungeon are MewTwo and an Electrode. Sadly, every last one of the latter that I've run into has used Self-Destruct as its leading move. You know, I can understand a trainer having a Pokemon use that, because they're trolls, but what purpose does it serve in the wild? 'Lawl, I got into a fight, I will now blow BOTH of us up so that whatever comes along to eat us will have a larger meal!' That doesn't seem like a very good way to ensure the continuation of the species, now does it?

Finally we get to the ENTIRE reason for this post. This little bastard right here:

Good MewTwo, you look kinda Kangakhan.
Look at him, just standing there ignoring me, lording his kaiju-ness over the entire dungeon. Time to show this arrogant bastard who's boss!

MewTwo, the Pokemon who will NEVER be this cute again.
Aaaaaaw lookit him! He's CUTE! A little hydrocephalic, but cute! I wanna cuddle him and name him Commadore Fluffypaws! Of course I can't really do either, so I'll do the next best thing... Chuck a Master Ball at him.

For the record: Full Heal, Super Rod, Master Ball, Escape Rope. -Ed.

MewTwo GETTO Da Ze!
MewTwo get! Now that I have what I came for, I'm, in the immortal words of Quagmire, giggity giggity giggity GONE!

And now, dear readers, don't expect to hear from me for many, many moons. I have a lot of crap to do for the holidays, and I'm so sick of Pokemon right now, I could vomit. Anyway, I think I'll leave you on a slightly more upbeat note, and say I hope you never have to see me again, and leave you with these words of wisdom: Hey! Nothin's a matter with your head, baby, find it, come on and find it. Hell, with it, baby, 'cause you're fine and you're mine, and you look so divine. Come and get your love!

Now get off my lawn, you damn kids!

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