Mother (earthbound 0) Flailthrough - Day 9 (In which the reviewer is a professional!)

You know, the thing that constantly strikes me as odd about this game? Besides the game itself, I mean. When you start up the game, for the first 3 to 5 minutes, you won't run into any encounters. Or at least that's what it seems like to me. I've started counting in my head the amount of time I spend wandering around monster-infested areas, and I've noticed that the longer I wander, the encounter rate goes up exponentially. I don't know if this is an aspect of the programming or not, but it's kind of annoying.

You know what else is annoying?

Ferret skunks. These little bastards are everywhere.

So it was while I was wandering hither and thither attempting to level up Jeff (who is level 13 now, by the by) that I believe I've found the next area to head. There's a long set of train tracks to the north east of the town, and while following them to the south, they lead me to an ominous looking tunnel, simply heading to the north leads me to a location that looks fairly good.
Before that, though, I would like to show you what is likely the most frightening enemy I've run into so far in the game.


Look at her! She has the manic gleam in her eye of one of those women that trampled other shoppers to death trying to get at Elmo dolls or Cabbage Patch Kids. I'm also not sure what's wrong with her teeth, but I can't even make a joke about them because I'm technically from the south. I will note that she seems to have three breasts, and all of them are on the same side.

Anyway, as I previously stated, I think I've found where I'm supposed to be heading next...

Which I managed to forget to take a picture of! Yes! Here at Flailthroughs we pride ourselves in our professionalism!


It's a large and generic looking factory with a dog ruarding the door. Bipedal no less, as most dogs tend to be. I talk to it a few times, but for the life of me, I can't figure out how to get in... Wait... I remember picking up some random item off of the ground in my travels, and since it gave it to me without me having to look for it, it must be important... Or it could have been a bubble gum wrapper that I found stuck to the bottom of my shoe, or a used condom, how the hell would I know if it's important or not? The character is like, eight or something! Regardless, I'll show it to the guard dog at the door and see if he'll let me in, because he's a dog and the majority of them are brain damaged.

Let's see what happens...

Lots of teeth is what happens. That's cool, he looks just like a standard mob, and dies just as quickly... I am confused, though... wasn't this guy bipedal a minute or two ago?

Moving on, and moving in, I enter what seems to be another giant factory, or perhaps a bank vault... maybe a factory that makes bank vaults? I don't know, and neither do you, so we'll just pretend it has something vaguely to do with that.

The enemies in here seem pretty silly.


This little guy looks like he's some sort of cute little wind up bomb thing, and doesn't do a lot of damage, so I... oh sweet Jesus!

I'm being attacked by Dr. Quasimodo and a robot covered in bugs! Seriously, I'm not sure what particular combination of birth defects creates something that looks like that, but I'm going to have to guess it's caused by drinking gasoline and bourbon cocktails up to the thirty-second trimester. Not only that, but those bastard robots also come in gold, and they're not covered in bugs, which seems to mean they're stronger.

Make note of that: Robots - bugs + gold = power.
So it's safe to assume that Bugs > Robots.
So with that simple logic, we can come to the conclusion that Bugs = Power.
Like the old G.I. Joe cartoon used to say, "Knowing is half the bugs."

Then there's this thing, whatever the hell it is.


It looks like someone sneezed out a smurf, and the force was so impressive that it swapped the colors to a mirror image. I guess that would make it a Frums. Also, it has a giant booger where it's body should be, which isn't normal for anyone as far as I know.

Ok, I'm going to be totally honest here, this place is huge, and I had no idea where to go. There are items everywhere, and I'm sure that some of them are good, and quite useful... I have no idea what any of them are, so I'm just going to try to give you directions as best I can...

Keep heading up and to the right or left until you reach the top, then follow it to the left... that was damn useful advice, wasn't it? If you follow it in the correct directions, as I've laid out so plainly for you to see, you should find a room and end up here.


This does not bode well, given Jeff has an established habit of blowing things up. And to this end, I feel no surprise at all when Jeff starts playing with the rocket, and it flies off into the night... Good bye rocket! I hope you have a happy and safe journey!

Did I mention I do most of my writing at night, when I'm totally exhausted? Well now you know, and bugs are half the battle.

I'm going to call it for today, because I've fallen asleep while writing this, and I don't think that "

nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn" is very useful information for you, or all that entertaining.

Come back tomorrow to find out what the missile did!