Mother (Earthbound 0) Flailthrough - Day 14 (In all fairness, he does look pretty frumious.) | Flailthroughs: We Play Games in Japanese. We Can't Read Japanese.

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Mother (Earthbound 0) Flailthrough - Day 14 (In all fairness, he does look pretty frumious.)

Alright, I now have to travel back across the desert, and I am not looking forward to this in the least. The monsters here are so high level compared to me, one wrong move could mean a total party kill. The thing I've noticed about this game is that the more insane a monster looks, the more likely it is to be a tiny god of death. And let me tell you,

Woof. Maybe it's not Hit Points but Sanity Points they're taking from you.

I do not like the look of this half leopard, half giraffe, half vuvuzela. I don't know what it is, but I'm going to call it a bandersnatch, because why the fuck not? I suspect that it's going to be dangerous, and I am pleasantly surprised to find that it attempts to murder the pants off of everyone, doing 60 points of damage to Ness in a single blow, which is almost half of his hit points. I did beat him, but only just barely. I now have to travel on foot through the rather large desert, because somewhere out there, there's a cactus with a face, and I think it's probably important in some way.

Yep, when I used whatever the first PSI power is on it, it taught me part of the song, or whatever it is, that I'm learning from various places. Back at the oasis, I decide to take the other flight routes and see what I can see, so that I get a good view of the area... but before that happens, something WONDERFUL happens. We're talking Disney levels of wonder and magic here, too, and I'm not ashamed to admit that it brought a little tear to my eye.

I think it's time we blow this scene. Get everybody and the stuff together. Ok, three, two, one let's jam.

In an act of boredom, I decide to use the things in my inventory on the man, since I realize that I now have 10 of them, and he keeps saying the number 10. I am now the proud owner of a freaking tank! This is just what I needed! And I'm sure that they'll never let me keep it, and monsters won't bother to attack me while I'm in it. Still, this is a great way to get to those ruins I saw, so I'm taking it while I can. I make my way rather quickly to the east, and as I'm passing into the ruins I am attacked by...

I think Tony Stark might've built this in a cave. With a box of scraps.

A robot with gonorrhea, I guess. I really, really hope that the tank is going to provide some sort of protection, because I don't want electro-syphilis. Oh wonderful, wonderful construction, it does protect me from all attacks, and also seems to damage the tank when it hits me! I LOVE this thing so much, I want to have little tank children with it, which would likely be an APC. We're talking it hits me and takes about 250 points of damage, then we each hit it for 58! I want to lick this damn tank!

SHIT! My tank! Just when I thought I had a safe, reliable method of passage across this god forsaken place, the slutbot had to blow it up. Curse you slutbot! Curse you and your electrogonosyphiherpelaids!

VVVZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

SHIT! My spleen! Run, run, run, run!

I ran. And I'm glad I did, because those things decided to attack Jeff, and he had 1hp left by the time we were able to escape. I heal up, then run directly to the north and into the dungeon, because lets be honest, I'm not that bright. I just ran away from an area full of horrible, blood thirsty monsters that I can barely fight, into a dark, dangerous dungeon, full of super powerful, blood thirsty...

... Monkeys? Ok, I like the lack of monsters here, but you have to admit, it's a bit anticlimactic. That's like coming out of the "Dark Forest of No Return," only to find a Dairy Queen at the other end. You're happy for the frozen treats, but you have to wonder how in the name of Zeus' thrombosis they got their in the first place. It's like finding a colony of sentient origami creatures living happily on the surface of the sun, and talking about how cool the weather has been lately. These things should have slightly less of a survival rate here than a mime at a Nascar game, since at least insane fans probably won't eat a mime, unless they don't want to spend $8 on a hot dog.

Much like the last time I was in a sports bar, I find myself wandering around through the strange creatures, unable to understand their babble, and generally trying not to have shit thrown on me. That's when I notice this guy:

Well, naturally. Once the monkeys move in they're going to want to bring their penguins with them.

I feel for you, buddy, I really do. Peace and respect to my penguin bro here, and will someone tell me WHERE THE FLIPPING EXIT IS?! Ah, never mind, I managed to find the flipping exit, but not the regular one. I take the flipping exit and end up...

Ah, I guess we're going back to the magical land of Soft Serve.

Well... This looks familiar in some way... I guess I'll take it and see where it takes me. I think I have to use the first PSI power on it, which is talking to it with my mind, or something of that nature. I guess I'll take it and go back to the magic sky kingdom, because to be honest I really, really need to power level at least a little bit before I'll be able to safely move on to the next area of the game... wherever that is, because I'm not sure. I'll call it here, and I'm sorry it couldn't be more interesting, but at least you got to read about how a guy almost crapped himself because of a half vuvuzela, half zebra, half Ford Fiesta, or whatever it was really.

More next week, when I'll be moving on to try to figure out what in the flipping hell I do next.

P.S. I just like the word Flipping, this week.