We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 3 (My Mother Is Also Blonde... But Not At All A Machinist)

Welcome back everyone!

...magic...? Hey! She didn't set me on fire when I hit on her before- she LIKES me!
Did I mention that Edgar's never seen magic before? Tada, homie g. I'm the whole package, 16 bit swimsuit AND magic.

She used what now? I just thought there was like, a flamethrower built into... that... swimsuit. Okay yeah, that's magic.
Locke is also impressed... once everything is spelled out for him... even though he's seen me use magic a million times. Good job buddy.

...wait. Locke, you need to explain to me how you thought that would work.
Um... guys... what exactly are you planning? I don't like this... And now they pry into my back story, which seems to consist mostly of ellipses. Though not ENTIRELY of ellipses, which makes her a billion times better than Cloud and Squall. That's right, I said it. Cloud and Squall are whiny, emo, surly one dimensional characters with no draw beyond their cool looking weapons and how girl pretty Squenix made them AFTER they got better graphics engines. Deal with it.


I may have mentioned this before, but go look up Victor Borge's Phonetic Punctuation routine. It makes ellipse-based conversations so much more fun.
Back in FFVI land, Edgar and Locke have realized they upset Tina and are now back pedalling like motherfuckers. "No honey, it's ok if you shoot fire from your fingertips! We still want to stick it in you, we promise!" seems to be what Edgar is saying, which is met with more ellipses, until Locke jumps in and I guess finds the right things to say... which I'm pretty sure includes something about Edgar being an idiot. In any case, it cheers her up and we get back to the combat... and sadly dear readers, I was not fast enough on the draw to catch Edgar and Locke's o-faces as they swooned, I apologize.

Never looked this closely at these before. Ugly!
You see these scorpion? These scorpions are DICKS! They keep shooting needles at Tina, and if that isn't bad enough, and it REALLY is, the attack turns her purple and prevents her from acting. In short, they're assholes!

You know what? I love Edgar's tool. It's true! It's so massive and powerful, I mean, how can you NOT love it? It's just SO big, and SO strong... What? You mean you DON'T like the Autocrossbow? What's wrong with YOU? This early in the game, it wipes everything out in one hit. You're weird.

Alright, I decided that Edgar at level fifteen and everyone else at level fourteen was fine too. On to the cave! Which I get out of with surprisingly little effort, AND even manage to get all the loot. Sweet. I head into the closest town, and see someone running away that looks strangely familiar to me. I follow him into a pub, and try to talk to him, at which point Edgar gets pissed off and pushes Locke away because this is...

Ah, nothing beats the story of a ninja boy and his vicious counterattacking dog.
Technically, Shadow's Japanese name is 'Shadow,' but Kage fits a lot better and MEANS shadow...
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm kinda using the Japanese names where applicable, because... well... shorter. So sue me.

...so, meet Re Mu Ta Yo!
I don't know what's up with all the odd spacing in the text box, but on the battles screens I can generally figure it out well enough, so it all works for me. As it turns out, Kage is a stuck up bitch and won't talk to me, except when I try to talk to his dog. After watching a five year old run into the bar, take a seat and get ready to get her drink on, I decide to leave. I wander upstairs to find an inn, and then saunter down a back staircase into a shop. In the time honored RPG method of 'talk to everyone' I try to talk to a guy in a turban, watch him freak out and run into a wall, and then hop up and bolt. After this little interlude, I get what is apparently the moogle of exposition... and I bet his explanation would be REALLY useful... if I had any fucking clue what he was saying. I buy some stuff at the shop, and as it turns out, they're relics! In other games they would be add-ons, accessories, dongles and so forth, but the important thing here is that I got Sprint Shoes. How can I tell? Because I'm now zipping along like a fucking hamster on speed. Good times.

To celebrate this achievement, I go to raid the inn... and crawl into bed with a strange man:

It's somewhat weird to know someone who makes Your Mom jokes about their own mom... -Ed.
Edgar's just like my mom!

Sadly none of the clocks in this compound seem to be full of Elixirs so I'm going to bounce and find other clocks to cavity search for delicious delicious magical liquor.

Of course, from what I've heard of AngeliqueDaemon's mom, she totally earned it. (But this is only hearsay. Myself, I've never had the pleasure- unlike, y'know, everybody else.)-Ed.
And here Edgar is trying to seduce that pretty young thing... never minding the two people that are following him around and relying on him to lead them... So he really IS like my mother!

In other news, is it just me, or does that woman look AWFULLY familiar... hmm...

Anyway, I leave town after buying some better equipment for everyone and some random items that I don't know what they are, and wander off into the wild. Where I find a cabin that has magical beds that put you to sleep the second your walk into them... all three of them. The only conclusion I can come to is that these are GHB beds. After examining the entire room, and falling asleep three times I come outside to find an old man that wasn't here before... wait... What did you do to me while I was sleeping?! Sadly, I don't get any answers, or at least none that I can understand, and he runs the hell away. Suspicious.

I think I'm going to leave on a note of mystery here boys and girls, because I like laving people hanging. So tomorrow we shall continue the search for Mash, and maybe find some bangers too. Enjoy your day!

... If you got that joke, you might be English... or a nerd.

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