I Solid Snake my way around the town (because it's a verb now) and head into a couple houses to try to loot the place, or find the person I need to talk to... I find nothing on either front, and have to deal with some fat blonde kid blocking the stairs... what a shit. I head into a shop of some kind and talk to a guy in a turban, who I'm pretty sure ran into a wall the last time I saw him. He seems to recognize Locke, and I'm drawn into a battle to find out that he is not, in fact, a man in a turban, but a traveling carpet salesman:
... and he likes to wear his wares.
He goes down pretty easily, but I sadly cannot loot his corpse. Oh well, I check out what's for sale, realize it's items and lose interest. I know, I know, I probably need them, but I don't know what they are, so I think I'll pass for now. I head off farther into town and walk right up to a guard... luckily he seems to be blind, because there's no exclamation point, or loud, jarring noise that lets me know I've been seen. (Sorry for all the MGS references, That Guy has been playing MGS 4: Butt Pirates of the Convoluted Plot, or whatever it's called, almost constantly, and I can't help it.) Since there's really nowhere else I can go at the moment without getting caught, I guess I'll just have to take on this lone mook, and hope that I can get around him to whatever I need to do.
Well, nothing happened after talking to him, so I headed back down to talk to a guy in magitek armor... and get drawn into a battle. Fantastico. I realize half way through the battle that Locke is not equipped with anything... and now he's dead. FFFFFFFFFFFFF-
As it turns out, this is not, in fact game over, and I wake up on my face, back where I started.
Maybe it all happened in my mind... or I had too much to drink. Either way, I think I'm going to equip him now, and THEN try to talk to a guard. I equip myself, talk to the guard, still get nothing out of him, and then go talk to the guy in magitek again. I make it out of the battle by the skin of my teeth, and then head off to find that save point so I can heal and save with the roadblock gone... I come out of the door to find that that fucker is BACK! SON OF BITCH! Now I have to do that all over again! Shit!
I WOULD like to point out that this hasn't been a total loss, as I seem to have stolen a new helmet from the magitek guy, so hooray for that... and then I died. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. This is what I get for not power leveling enough... I'm starting to wonder if there isn't another way I'm supposed to get around here, but the only place that lets me out around behind the magitek dude has a fat little fucker blocking off the stairs, and when I talk to him, he just runs his fat little mouth, and refuses to move. What a fuck stick.
Um... so I go back to the item shop to fight the carpet salesmen for XP, and while executing my usual "steal first, stab later" manuver for Locke, I steal the guy's clothes, leaving him naked. I... I thought I was supposed to do that with a guard... Well who am I to complain? This might get me further into the town!
The guards were unimpressed by my change of clothes, but the little douche rocket blocking off the stairs finally moved his fat ass after seeing my carpet salesman getup. It's about fucking time! With him out of the way, I slip out the back door, and FINALLY get further into the city! I poke around the weapons and armor shop, and then make the most heart breaking discovery ever...
I can't steal that guy's magitek armor. Excuse me while I go cry. I wander around a bit and find some more places blocked off, and then talk to a green guy and get drawn into a battle. Hopefully he won't anally violate me like the magitek did... I manage to steal what I think is a potion, and also...
His CLOTHING! While he's WEARING it! I know this has already happened back at Carpet Salesman, but I just want to impress on you how AWESOME that is! Locke LITERALLY stole the clothes off their backs. For this, he is awesome, and MORE than deserving of a character named after him in Final Fantasy 7 (Ever wonder at Tifa's last name? No that's not just bad Engrish, she's named after Locke). Also, I didn't mention it, but Locke changes clothes by spinning in a circle... Does anyone else picture a Sailor Moon type transformation scene? No? Well then I'm just screwed up in the head.
My new outfit gets me into the Relic shop, but that's all... and then in the inn, I run into another carpet salesman and steal his clothing again... you know, I'm not sure what the hell I'm doing here anymore... not that I knew what it was in the first place. I'm going to go try to strip someone else naked and see if that gets me anywhere.
After about ten minutes of wandering around having no idea of what to do, That Guy oh so KINDLY confuses the ever loving shit out of me before FINALLY telling me to go back and talk to the douche rocket blocking the stairs and to give something to the old man up said stairs... and then I have to guess a password to get the kid to open a door, and if I get it wrong, I have to start all... over... again... Guess what happened. Yup... time to go rob another carpet salesman.
Actually, as it turned out, I just had to dress up as a merchant again, and then go right back to the house with the stairs. This time when I talk to the kid, I guess the middle option, and that does the trick. About fecking time. I mole my way across the city, and then come out in some basement where there is a clock full of elixir. Awesome.
I go into another house, poke around for a while, swear because I can't figure out what to do, and then find a staircase cleverly hidden behind a bookcase. Sneaky sneaky, Square. I head down the stairs, get asked a question, answer randomly, and then continue... and get treated to a scene of a woman being slapped around. I'm not ok with this, and neither is Locke apparently. Especially not when it's:
Yeah, I dropped the ball there guys, I totally derped out and forgot to get a picture of it as I was naming her. Still, this isn't TOO bad of a picture even if it is the text box, so just bear with me. As I was saying, it's the lovely Celes in her stunning one piece bathing suit. You know, I'm not sure what armor class that thing is, but it can't be THAT high...
Shit, I just made another D&D reference, didn't I? Fuck. Moving RIGHT along...
There's some plot exposition, Biggs number 5 (or is it Wedge?) cracks himself up and Celes...
feels bad man. Wedge (Biggs?) then knocks her out, apparently for not laughing at his bad joke. Fucker. I'm going to look forward to killing you, and all ten thousand of your clones.
In other news, Locke is Spiderman, but I wasn't able to get a picture of it, sorry. I loot the basement before following the plot hook, because that's how I roll, and then head into the room...
To be asked if I want to play the valiant hero. I do, so I pick an option at random and hope it's the right one. It seems to be, because Celes falls flat on her face once the shakles are released. Nice reflexes there Locke, just let her faceplant on the floor. Our beloved thief then THROWS off his merchant clothes and announces that he is, in fact Locke... nice grand gesture, but one has to wonder how wise it is while standing almost directly in front of a sleeping guard. I'd think getting the fuck out of dodge would take precedent over introductions, but that's just me. There's some more blabbing, and then Locke winks at Celes, and likely promises to protect her... what a slut, didn't he say the same thing to Tina?
There's some more talking, and then Celes joins the party. Hooray! Now how the shit do I get out of here...? After a bunch of running around in circles, and a few helpful hints, because I'm a derp, I find that I have to poke the sleeping guard... who then jumps up, yells "Donde esta mi pene?!" and then falls back into his chair... Actually I don't know what the hell he said, but that's my best guess. As it turns out, Locke seems to have stolen it, and now I need to apply it to a clock... because clocks fucking LOVE penises. To prove this, the clock opens a secret door, and I get to loot the underground for treasure while level grinding. There seem to be a lot of dogs down here, but since basements are their natural habitat, I see nothing amiss here.
I have to admit that I like having a caster back in the party, even I almost never use magic. I mean, I hoard MP like I do items, because refilling my MP takes either money or items, and as we've established, I'm a miser. Still, I like having just another person in the party in general, because it makes it easier for me to have Locke steal his thiefy little face off. Did I mention the part where I had 99 potions and hadn't bought a single one? Yeah, I steal A LOT!
So I FINALLY get out of the town, after Celes tries to tell me that I can't go that way... or something, who knows? I head out and back through the cave, since I guess that's where I'm supposed to go, and then I run into:
You know, considering that there's a female in my party, I'm worried about this development. Remember where I pointed out that Celes is only eighteen? That could still technically be school girl age... My characters seems as apprehensive as I am, because they run their mouths FOREVAH!!! I'm told by an entire room of backseat gamers to use Runic on it and attack with Locke, so I do that... Of course, this room is not so great for the purpose of this Flailthrough, but it's making me enjoy shit a bit more, so... meh. I'll tell them shut up if it gets too bad.
Anyway, after the battle, I scuttle out of the cave, and then... the story ends. Woops. I wanted to level them a bit more. Poop. Back at the Moogle of Exposition screen, I get to choose between Mash and Edgar's group.
Find out who I choose next week! Until then remember, back seat gamers are every bit as annoying as back seat drivers. Have a good week!
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