I take my first tentative steps inside, and run into the first in a long series of fight.
Shit, Krang, why you gotta be like that? And in spite of the leveling, Krang here is frightening in combat. No one dies, but we take a fair licking from the brain in a jar... which I don't even know how that would work.
Now I'm happy to say that the very deathful starmen in this room were a lot less hard to make dead themselves. Also, in this first room you should follow the path to the right, then all the way up and around so that you can pick up the Katana here. Why do I know that's what it is?
That's why. The other important thing is that the Katana is a weapon for Poo, and it boosts his... something, from 204 to 224, and that's pretty damn good if you ask me.And there goes Ness... Goddamn Starmen! Well, he is the single most useless hero ever, I have to say. This story should have been about Poo instead... they could have called it "Poobound," or something equally as majestic.
Now, in an attempt to be useful, after having spent what feels like for-Goddamn-ever in this cave, I'm going to try to give you all the fastest directions through it, but without missing a few good items.
Area 1:
In the first room, follow the spiral path to get the katana, this is extremely useful. then head back and take the door at the northern most part of this area.
Area 2:
Once again, follow the spiral. you'll find some sort of item that I think restores PP, which you'll need, trust me, and then just continue around the spiral till you reach the door which takes us to the next area.
Area 3:
Head down, ignoring the door to your left. Follow the path to the left, then when it forks, take the upward fork. This is an extremely good item for Paula, I think, and either she equipped it or I lost it. Either way, head back down and follow the path to the left, then head through that door.
Area 4:
Follow the path straight down, and then take it straight to the right. This will lead you to a door that takes you to a dead end area, where there's an item which is probably a weapon for Ness, since we've been finding a lot of weapons around here. then head back to Area 4, and take the path leading north that is directly next to the one you arrived from.
Area 5:
Follow this path all the way up to the exit. If you get lost, you shouldn't be playing video games... come to think of it, you shouldn't be allowed to use a computer... or a fork for that matter.
You'll head outside of the cave, take your first, sweet breath of air, then be RECTALLY VIOLATED BY BEARS! BEARS THAT SELF DESTRUCT WHEN KILLED! SHITFUCKCRAP! Thankfully Poo managed to survive, and we quickly made our way west and climbed up a rope in the hopes of escaping the butt bears.
Actually, everything here pretty much dives straight for your anal cavity. From the discolored Labia Scorpions, to the... the...
Rat...goyles?
And the...
Samurai gardener?... Well, thankfully I was able to kill the gardener before it could attack, but if I've learned anything from this game, the more insane something looks, the more likely it is to be some legendary monster that likes eating the skin of small children. But if you head west and up the first rope, then east along the small ledge, then north up the next rope, then head east, take the lower path when the choice arises, and keep hard east from there, you will end up at the most important location you have seen in hours:
The house of a healer who not only refills your party's health and PP, but brings its members back from the dead, and also has a TELEPHONE! ALL FREE! I nearly cried when I found this, since most of the party was either dead or mostly dead, which is different from really being dead.
And the item I found was in fact a weapon for Ness, and it raised his... something, from 224 to 239, which is really good!... I think. Anyway, I head into the healer's house to see if there's a plot hook, and as I head into the next room, Poo wanders off for a bit... Guess I picked the right, or wrong thing to do.
I move to the next room and Paula then stands by the door. This room is a... it's a bedroom... and Paula asks me a yes or no question. I answer yes, and she drags me into the room toward the beds, and proceeds to...
dance with me? Well, I have to say that's a lot better than what I was expecting to happen. She asks me another question, and I say sure because I assume that she's probably planning to invite me to a sockhop, or a box social, or perhaps to the local soda fountain for a chocolate malted... then Poo walks into the room, and I instantly start to feel that I have picked the wrong answer, since he gets between us and the bed, and is staring directly into Ness' eyes.
Thankfully, there are large explosions outside, and he pulls us out, hopefully to look at fireworks... But I am wrong.
Behold the frightening power of Crotchbot mk Two! Not only does he do an average of 600 damage a hit, but he only takes 1 point of damage from each of us! ONE FUCKING POINT! THAT'S SO UNFAIR! THAT'S...wait... I'm smelling a scripted boss battle here. There's no way in hell that's something you're supposed to beat, and I am saying this as a longtime player of Final Fantasy.
And I'm right! Just as I thought all hope was lost...
It's our good friend Jeff! And... I don't even want to comment on how the party looks, but I've seen a burn ward before, and I think that they're going to have to replace all of our skin... probably with cabbage, since it's so good for you. Also, he brought a tank, which is always good. He picks up our charred corpses, and quickly leaves the area... he left the area... I'm back at his home, wherever that is, which means I have to go through the mountain again...
... Oh no, that music... it's touching... this can't end well...
I walk up to the bed, trying to talk to Poo, but I am met with an ellipses... NO! NO! I NEED POO! I WANT POO WITH ME! I DON'T WANT POO TO GO AWAY, AND I DON'T WANT JEFF!...
Jeff has rejoined my party... and he's level 26...
I'm going to go cry for a bit. We'll see how this works out in tomorrow's installment, I suppose.
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