Mother (Earthbound 0) Flailthrough - FINAL( in which there is a robot, Tylenol, another robot, a cat fetus, and disappointment.)

So I took a bit of time to power level Jeff. I have the distinct feeling that we're getting ready for a big ass fight, and I want him to be ready. I also took the time to try to figure out some of Ness' powers, and maybe come up with their names. I realize that my knowledge is limited, since I didn't want to look at a katakana guide, and the skill translated as something along the lines of "Daifweensui" which sounds far too German to be Japanese.

Now, I've given up on that aspect of the game, since it turns out that our good buddy Ness has a spell that lets him instantly escape from battles. I'm not sure about the name, but I think it's... konfodu... but I'm also thinking that I am likely completely wrong in that. So we continue north from the healer's house, and find a lake, on a mountain, where they belong. I run into a few new palette swaps of the tentacle monsters, which I run from using my new found PSI power, and stumble across... what else?

Thankfully, I think that Jeff said he can fix it, and we're all loaded into the boat to do... something. I float around for some while, trying to figure out what that something will be, and just as I'm starting to think that the game has tricked me to waste fifteen minutes of my life, I find this:


A water anus... also known as a whirlpool, to those of you not in the scientific field of making up words, also known as "wordology." Being the sort of great guy I am, I drive the speedboat full of little kids straight into it, in the hopes that they'll shut up the constant asking if we're there yet. We then cut to a quick clip of everyone being dragged down under the water by what seems to be a large broken pipe... well done BP, you've ended the world at last.

I do discover that I'm wrong, shortly after that scene we all wake up here...

If this is the afterlife, I feel as though I've been ripped off mightily. Since there's nowhere else to go, I take the red cross platform at the bottom (activated by donating a pint of blood,) and take it to the SINGLE LONGEST SERIES OF HALLWAYS IN THE GAME. seriously, there's like 20 of them, all heading to the left, with only the odd window full of fish to look at as a distraction. After some time we come to a ladder, which leads upward and bring us to;

Well fuck, I think I'm going to have to battle Getter Robo. I'm not looking forward to that... ok, is it broken? Well, checking it seems to make the base explode, so I guess that's a good thing? Right? And now the robot is standing on the shore, and... wait... did the robot just join my party? Please, PLEASE tell me that it'll fight for me?

Oh gloryosky she does! And yes, I'm calling it a her now, since she is so beautiful. Beautiful construction... sort of, but beautiful damage, and that's what really counts in a woman, fellas. a thick hide, and the ability to punch all of the blood out of a tentacle monster in a single swing. She is magnificent! She is perfect! She is... going to blow up in the next boss fight, isn't she? Yep, I got the little girl, she was taken away from me even though she was a walking death machine. I had a tank, it was taken away from me. I had Poo... my precious Poo... gone before his time. This game is an asshole.

Well, I guess we'll start climbing farther up the mountain... I almost don't want to, out of fear of the inevitable, but I know that I have to.

Now, I'll be honest, I have no idea how to give directions through this area, but I will tell you to look for ropes to climb, because they're pretty much signs that you're headed in the right direction... most of the time. After wandering around for an hour or so, I come to this cave:


It's the lost city of the Tylenol gel capsule people! Or possibly just some strange cult, which I think Paula's parents belong to, since her name was mentioned in passing. They look so unhappy, floating there in their tubes of viscous fluid. One would think that this was an ideal lifestyle, but then again I guess that the person that thought that has never played with corn starch and water. I would not want to float in that shit. It would be like being smothered with a bear. No, not by a bear, with a bear.

I find a cave, there's a package in it which has a thing. I don't think it's an important thing, so I just shove it aside and continue onward, then a few steps to the west...


THIS FUCKER. OUT OF NOWHERE. AND NOT ONLY IS HE RED NOW, MY BEAUTIFUL GETTER-GIRL ONLY DOES 54 POINTS OF DAMAGE A HIT! FUCK!... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! WHY WOULD YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING SO PERFECT, THEN TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME IN SUCH A CRUEL, HEARTLESS... Oh, hey! She taught me part of the song. neat. Well, from here I head to the west, and climb up another rope thing and come to a small ledge with a tombstone on it. Sorry I didn't get a picture, because the second that I talked to it I learned the LAST bit of the song, and was instantly whisked away to the throne room of the queen! I THINK THIS MIGHT BE JUST ABOUT OVER!

In spite of collecting eight parts, I really only hear the queen listen to two of them, which pisses me off a bit because the bitch had better damn well listen to all eight, or I will shank her in the eye!.. Why is the room slowly turning black?...


What the fuckstick just happened? She talks to me about something, though I doubt the subject has ANYTHING to do with waffles, and then I'm back at the grave stone... well, I guess I'm heading north from here... you know what would have been awesome? A SAVE POINT! You know why?


Because I'm fighting some sort of alien cat fetus, and he's going to fuck me, that's why. He's... actually not that hard, now that I'm fighting him. sure, you can't DAMAGE HIM!... But at least you can keep the party at mostly full hit points, as their Psi points slowly drain away into nothingness. BUT, after what I think is nine rounds of combat, an eighth option will appear on your screen! This is an important option, because if it's anything like Earthbound, it's probably the Pray option, which will let you actually damage the fucker!... Or it sings at him, which seems to bother him quite a Goddamn bit.

I am correct, and after singing at who I'll call Giygas for the sake of tradition, he flashes, then a HUGE damn flying saucer takes off out of the ground! I BEAT THE FREAKING GAME! YES, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! FINALLY! LET'S SEE US A GOOD GODDAMN ENDING NOW!...


... GOD DAMMIT ITOI! YOU MADE ME FIGHT THROUGH HELL FOR THIS?!


NESS AND PARTY ARE UNAMUSED!

*sigh* Then again, this is pretty much a standard ending for an NES game. I guess that it wasn't so bad, too, since this was what I was greeted with in the end.

It did make me smile more than I had any right to.


Alright. let's get down to brass tacks about this game. Did it drive me completely up the wall? Yes. Did I dread having to play it? Yes. Was winning it one of the most relieving sensations I have felt in years? Yes.

However, there are reasons for this:

1. The game is in Japanese, and so I can't understand the plot, which made it a good bit less interesting than Mother 2/Earthbound.
2. The game is in Japanese, which means I could not understand the powers I was given just by looking at them, and was too afraid of dieing in the middle of something to stop and test them all out. That was a mistake, and the game actually became much easier once I started finding out what things did. Sadly, that was too close to the end for me to really enjoy the rest of the game.
3. And this is the big reason I didn't enjoy it... The Famicom to NES adapter we have wobbles in the socket, which means if someone stomps through the room, it would freeze.
4... Actually, there isn't a 4.

So, my suggestion to you? Play this game in English if it exists(It does, sort of- Ed.), but more importantly you should play it for fun, and on something that doesn't freeze. Play it in Japanese if it doesn't exist in English, and sit back and enjoy the complete absurdity of it. If you're not playing this game on a deadline, then you'll probably really like it. I'm going to go find a translation of the script so I can read it, to see exactly what was going on. In total, I give this game four and a half thumbs, up, because the fifth one was bitten off by a Bandersnatch. The only improvement I could think of would be a slightly lower encounter rate, and a dash button.