We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 11 (In Which We Have 16-Bit Opera)

Well I wander back to the previous town to look for the item shop so I can buy some more tents for my level grinding efforts (I know they're tents, because when I use them, it shows a tent!) and I seem to have accidentally triggered the next event by talking to some old guy. What is it with old guys and being the plot point monkeys? In any case, I realized something yesterday... I'm going to be doing the opera... IN JAPANESE. Fuck!

Anyway as the plot continues, we finally see:

Ladies and gentlemen, Setzer Gabbiani...
One of my all time favorite characters, DESPITE what they did to him in Kingdom Hearts 2

AKA Five Yo Hi, Two Yo To.
There isn't anything that looks like a 'z' I had to improvise.

Didn't Elmer Fudd sing that in What's Opera, Doc?
It's even more incomprehensible here. Well if nothing else, I'll be able to recognize it, which is the point, right?

Alright! After ages and ages of random battles, everyone knows everything, except Celes, but since she has to learn two of the harder white magic spells (Cura and something else, dicked if I know) I figure she can just hold onto that and we'll worry about it later. Now I know, in theory, that having magicite equipped boosts certain stats and abilities depending on the magicite, but, as previously stated, dicked if I know what does what. All I know is there's HP in the description of the magicite with Cure magic (Krillin, Kirin, Kamehameha?) so maybe that gives me more HP... or maybe it's just telling me that it has spells that restore HP, shit if I know boss. (If I can interject a brief side note here. About half of my typoes are the result of the keyboard not recognizing that I hit a key, no matter how hard I strike it. As this is a second-hand computer from That Guy, and he had the same problem, I know it's not just my derp typing. On that note, allow me to share a portion of the previous sentence in its original form: "or maybe it's just telling me that i has spells that restoe HP." That's right. I has spells. Because I'm fucking Lolmage.)

Anyway, on to the opera! I know that two prompts are "Oh my hero," and "Must I," which is two-thirds of the way home, except for one teeny tiny, itsy bitsy problem... The game is in JAPANESE, and I have NO idea which option is where. I also don't remember what I have to do to stop Ultros from ruining the opera, just that I have to. Wee! I shall now flail the flail of my people.

So I enter the opera house and some guy has the vapors because, if I recall, Setzer is planning to kidnap their star singer... who Celes just so happens to be the spitting image of... AND she can apparently sing opera well enough untrained that no one notices the difference. That's a fucking TALENTED eighteen year old there, ladies and gents. Anyway, Celes shows the director the determined pose of her people:

She's been taking lessons from Mash.
At least it isn't Mash posing this time. I also notice that while having the vapors, the opera house guy makes a move suspiciously like he's chugging something from a flask. Hmm... In any case, he doesn't seem down with Locke's plan and tries to run away... at which point Locke shows him the strength of his pimp hand. Or something. Apparently Locke JUST unveiled his cunning plan, at which point Celes has a seizure, that I was unable to capture, and it ends in the angry pose of her people:

Soon, he will teach her the Dance of Special Words.
Maybe she should join Mash's posing force... Though I think there's a lot to be said for not having to watch HIM pose every two dialogue boxes. Celes then runs face first into a door before remembering that she has to open it, and begins practicing her singing.

Um, Locke? Do women running into doors normally crack you up this much, or just the ones you like? Either way, disturbing.
Which Locke finds hilarious. What an ass.

Good old Ultros: the Team Rocket of cephalopods.
You know, I don't know WHY a SQUID is at an opera, but there he is, folks. He seems to be a squid of many ears as well, because he just overheard our brilliant plan and is going to try to stop us by crashing meteors into the Earth... Or was that Char? Well he's LIKE a squid... psychic, pilots giant robots, and takes advantage/kills little girls. See? EXACTLY like a squid.

Anyway, he, Ultros not Char, poops a letter which everyone ignores with both hands, and then pile into Celes' dressing room. Sorry Squidworth, potential eighteen year old nudity trumps letters. Try again next time.

We take our seats in the nose bleed sections and the opera gets underway. I notice that the orchestra is composed entirely of violins and cellos. Then begins the 16-bit opera! I've been informed, by the people that would know (dorks) that they actually implemented a special sound chip or system, or something in order to play this music, and when it was ported to the PS, which did NOT have the special wumbo, it all sounded like shit. My kingdom to have this remade for the PS3 and/or Xbox... even if they DID put in crappy talky parts, it would be worth it... Well no, I take that back, because I don't think I could stand to hear Celes talking with a little girl voice, and if I have to hear Yuri Lowenthal emo up ONE MORE AWESOME CHARACTER, then I'll snap. Grown up voices Squenix, use GROWN UP VOICES!

After the intro of the opera, Locke gets bored and can apparently fuck off. Awesome. As someone that gets a headache from classical music, I can't blame him. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't LIKE classical music, I do really enjoy some, it just makes my head start pounding. It's made playing Eternal Sonata a real bitch... a beautiful, awesome, addictive bitch. Like Ryoko Hakubi.

Anyway, I talk to everyone in the nose bleed section on the off chance one of them will say something that I can recognize... which at this point is the character names, and get told what I'm sure are variations of 'down in front' from some posh git and Edgar, and 'I wonder if they serve liquor at intermission' from Mash. Probably. I finally figure out how to get out of the balcony and find Celes:

'...wow. Uh, you look, er, real... good in real clothes. Especially for somebody who just walked into a door. GottagoBYE-'
Who be lookin' fine. And judging by the way Locke has turned into a lobster, he agrees. Dude, if you didn't notice she was hot when she was wearing a freaking one-piece and a cape, then you're a RETARD! In any case, our beloved treasure hunter keeps trying to beat a blushing retreat, but like most women, Celes won't shut her fucking face... I can say that because I'm a woman, screw you.

I now control Celes, and can get a full frontal picture:

It's true: ancient Chinese fan lasers. I love Dynasty Warriors.
And every day is a little more wootful. I read the score, or rather stare at the archaic and mystic runes scrawled across the paper, and then head on towards the plot... and for some reason saying 'archaic and mysterious runes' makes me want to play Dynasty Warriors 6 again... I blame Zhuge Liang, and his ridiculous fan... and his laser. I'm SO not kidding.

ANYWAY! On to the part I've been both looking forward to and dreading! The continuation of the 16-bit opera, and my participation therein.

I tried to get a shot of the options it gave me, but apparently if you let it sit too long, it picks an option itself... and then I have to follow a ghost guy, and um... I guess I have to follow him exactly? Because I didn't, and it kicked me out of the opera. Which means I have to start all over again. FUCK!

We head back in, and apparently promise not to fuck up again, because shit just goes right back to where I take control of Locke. Here goes nothing. Locke goes and warns Celes not to fuck up again, and we're back to the opera.

On the SNES: 'Oh my hero...'
'I'm the darkness...'
'Must I...'
It's an ill wind that blows no good, bitches. Unfortunately, even though I manage to follow Ghosty McGhostpants correctly this time, I fucked up my trying to walk up to the flowers and pick them up? You know, I don't remember this being this fucking hard. Do over time.

'Our box office is plummeting. One more slip-up and we'll see if Mash can do any better.' 'Yay!' '...Dammit, Mash.'
Once more, we swear to god we won't fuck up this time, and take it from the top. Locke tells Celes to get her shit together and stop sucking ass, and we're back to the show. Setzer's a very patient man to only show up and kidnap a bitch when she gets everything right. Or, you know, a stuck up ass that only wants the best. You decide. On a side note, while not paying attention, because I was writing, I manage to pick the wrong choice and get kicked out. Celes' opera career isn't looking too good here guys... and neither is our ability to lure Setzer. It's starting to look like we'll never get that airship.

I FINALLY, by some fucking miracle, manage to pass the interactive part of the cut scene:

I didn't think her little spritey arms were long enough to bend like that...
Now let's just hope I don't fuck up the next part. It's time based, so no pictures. Deal with it. I'll get back to you when I finish. Side note: The rat in the middle calls for back up if you don't off them all in one turn.

IMPRESSARIO:'Uh, er... and now for your enjoyment, an interpretive dance set to It's Raining Men! *whew, nice save.*'
We're in your opera, crashin' yer dance party. While the owner is considering slashing his wrists, Locke hops to his feet, pulls some amazing bullshit out of his ass, and the crowd eats it up... and I JUST thought about that sentence. Ew, And now we get to fight Ultros for their viewing pleasure!

Whee, comedic boss fight!
At least we have him in a pincer attack. He doesn't last long, thanks to Mash's amazing punch-fu, and Ultros shoots his wad at us and runs away. What? Squids shoot ink at their attackers in order to blind them so they can escape. What did YOU think I meant?

See? Even Locke thought it was funny.
Locke seems to crack himself up, and there's a voice! Setzer makes his grand entrance, spins Celes, and then taunts everyone:

Apparently she was still wearing her cape and one-piece UNDER the dress? Good trick. I wonder if Setzer knew that or not when he started spinning her clothes off?
Before ninja-ing off into the night. Fuck yeah, Setzer! The owner of the opera house freaks out, and the band plays them off, thus ending the opera. I hope you enjoyed that more than I.

Now aboard Setzer's airship, said gambler chunks Celes in a room and locks her in. Just as she begins to despair, Edgar, Locke and Mash pop up like ugly daisies... and apparently they do this THROUGH moving gears. Neat trick. Setzer comes in, and is displeased at the sausage fest horning in on his budding harem, and stomps away. Edgar and company try to talk him into helping them, and I'm petty sure he tells them to suck his big fat one. We try again, and get another prompt to fellatiate him... and then Celes steps up to the plate. Way to take one for the team, sugar! The rest of her party totally agree that she should do it, and Setzer considers this. He finally agrees, and Locke seems surprised and displeased. What, dude? You agreed to it.

Celes then goes over to Edgar and has a noddy head moment with him, because as we all know the king is a pervert, and if porn has taught us anything it's that this is REALLY hot. Locke continues to try to talk Celes out of it, but she won't hear of it, and asks Setzer if he's ready... I guess. Man, I've never seen 16-bit porn, this should be HILARIOUS.

The lights are dimmed, you know, to set the mood, and.... Celes flips a coin. Oh. Well, see, I TOTALLY misread that entire situation. As it turns out, this is the same coin Edgar used to punk Mash, and now Mash knows... oopsie. Either way Setzer is a good sport on top of being AWESOME, and goes along with the party anyway. Rocksauce.

There's some talking on the deck of the ship, and then we get to watch the airship fly towards the empire, I guess. I find it weird that the empire has spotlights since, you know, Setzer has the ONLY FLYING CONTRAPTION IN THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!!!! But you know, they have to set scene.

Well boys and toys, it's been a REALLY frustrating update, and I'm hungry, so I'm going to call it here. Join us tomorrow when you can has spells that restoe HP too!

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