We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 12 (In Which There Are Tiny Little Bitty Houses)

Well kiddies, when we last left our heroes, they had gotten off Setzer's ship in a different area, I don't know where. I headed back on the ship to try to change party members, or screw off and go level for a bit, but I find that it's not that easy. There was an item shop, which was a nice touch, and a guy that asked me a yes or no question, though I didn't know what the question was. So I continue wandering around, trying to take control of the ship, or find party members, and instead, find this:

To a micromanager like myself, this dude is my best friend: Unequip everybody/Unequip current party/do nothing.
I have NO idea hat ANY of that says, and I can't back out of the dialogue. I am, in fact, a little frightened. Time to pick something and see what happens! Well there were some weird noises and then... I'm COMPLETELY unequipped. FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The only thing I recognized under relics was the sprint shoes! I think I'm going to cry now. Actually, it turns out not to be as bad as all that, because That Guy reminded me that I could just reset. He also informed that the options involved in that dialogue are unequip the party and unequip people not in the party. Thank you for the timely information, when I asked you BEFORE I did anything... Since I don't know which is which, I'm going to leave that shit alone. And now... I have no idea where I am, or what I'm supposed to be doing, but apparently:

Oh god, Cirque du Soleil is in town again.
We have Mary Poppins' little known younger brothers flying around here. Well Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, so I should probably go into the handy little town I landed right next to and have a look around. Well, where ever it is, it's choc o' block full of Imperial soldiers and Magitek armors. You're think one of them wold recognize one of the Empire's THREE FAMOUS GENERALS who is also THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE IMPERIAL ARMY, but I don't know, maybe their helmets are in the way... or maybe they, like the player, can only see Edgar in front of the party. Makes as much sense as anything else, I suppose, and move on with my life. New weapons and armor make me happy... as does the fact that I am apparently made entirely out of gil. Rocksauce.

Also, thanks to her time in the opera, Celes was completely unequipped. Damn it. I take my best guess at what relics I had on her and optimize the equip, and go on about my way. Speaking of relics, in the back of the relic shop I find this:

Look at all the mass-production people! It's difficult being a Gundam in a world of GMs.
Edgar likes it here. It's a shame this isn't one of the DS remake games, because I'd love to talk to one of the dancers and get a private dance, they're HILARIOUS! That and I've noticed they often use chocobo arrangements for their music. Big dance number you see after paying a ludicrous amount for the club membership in FFIV? In the DS remake, it's set to Samba de Chocobo. Good times. I notice that all the women in this town seem to be the same dancer, and I'm wondering why, if they had this much cloning technology, they didn't just clone Tina and call it a day. Oh wait, because she's one of the heroines, which means she gets her very own exclusive sprite. Silly me.

So I finish up in the town, at least as far as I know, and then wander off in hopes of figuring out what I'm doing here. In the desert I find these:

I forgot about the Zombie Dragons. Or are they Dragon Zombies?
Um... I'm gonna raped, aren't I? I... I don't know what happened. Edgar's dead, Celes and Mash have no hitpoints, but they're still up and randomly doing weird shit, and Locke is apparently the only one that gets out alive, mostly because I remember that Cura will do a shit ton of damage to undead. Fuck me running, that was terrible! I make a few wild guesses as to what may and may not be Remedies, and finally cure Mash and Celes of... well zombie I guess, and then heal up the party. I um... I think I'm going to stay the fuck out of the desert now... and try to figure out why Mash's new claws were healing the undead monsters. I hope they don't do that to everything!

Well so far bulldogs and goblin poppins seem to still be damaged normally, so who the fuck knows? So while I wander around trying to figure out where I am and where to go, I find out something important:

You think THESE are Dragons? Ha! Why in my day you couldn't fit two proper dragons on the screen at a time. Somebody pass grandpa his cane and his reminiscin' bourbon.
Thar be dragons here. I'd be more worried, but if they're packaged with a bulldog, then I'm likely safe... but it makes me wonder if I'm even supposed to be here... I'm thinking no... Though that doesn't mean I'm going to turn around either... because I'm stubborn. I loop around the mountains and find a castle. Hm... that might be where we're headed, since wandering in a south eastern direction takes me back to the town and the ship. However, since I'm stubborn, I wander off east away from the castle and find these:

Somebody is really emphasizing the first part of 'cockatrice' here, huh?
It looks like someone jumped off the evolutionary chain a little early. I remember hearing it mentioned that dinosaurs were most closely related to birds, and... well it looks like these were some of the rejects that got crapped out along the way. All I have to say is "rawk, Polly shouldn't be". They're pretty hardy for chicken snake worm things, but nothing a couple round of autocrossbow and lightening can't take care of. See? This is why we level grind, so we can has devastating spells on everyone, and restoe our HP (You thought I'd forgotten, didn't you?).

I wander around a bit more and eventually find another town. This one is also full of Biggs and Wedges, but no dancers, and no random loot. That makes me sad. I did, however, get some better hats for most of my party, which is good, I guess. Since I think I've explored everywhere that isn't desert, because I'm STILL staying the fuck away from those, I think I'm going to hit up the castle now. Wish me luck!

Well I wander around, and find out that I'm not supposed to let the Biggs and Wedges see me, or else it draws me into a battle. The armor and weapons shops don't have anything worth writing home about, but speaking of homes...

I live in Baltimore, and some of the older rowhouses are almost this bad. But not quite.
That is perhaps the most ridiculous house I've ever seen. To my unending surprise, it's actually as small on the inside as the outside would lead you to believe, and it has an old woman. She asks a question, I said no, and then had to fight a couple Tusken Raiders. After that though, she starts healing me, so rocksauce. Further up, there's an old man behind some boxes and he says something to Edgar which seems to freak his shit, and then he asks me a yes/no question. I say no, because... well you have to wonder what's so bad it would freak EDGAR out. I sneak around the patrolling Biggs (Wedge?) and get upstairs into some kind of bar. One guy asks a yes/no question, and then gets annoyed when I say no. I tell him yes the second time, and get a wall of text... I hope I didn't do anything dumb there.

After yet another battle (side note, Thundara is apparently super effective against Biggs/Wedge and their afghan hounds), I decide that I'm going to have to bite the bullet and say yes to the old man. Come on Edgar, it's time to take one for the team! The old man bounces his way over to the guards and... Gogo?

Reminds me more of Norg's flunkies from FFVIII.
Or at least a palette swap of him/her/it. Anyway, the old man seems to distract them, letting me climb up on the ridiculous duct work over the city, sneak across, and then hop down onto some track, which I follow into a building. Yay. A dungeon. My only regret is that I don't know where all the treasure is.

I wander around, pick up a new sword, and run into like a ton of soldiers with dogs, and then about a dozen people in magitek armor until eventually, I'm set upon by these:

We represent the Lollipop Guild, and if you cross this picket line we will kick your ASS.
I don't think they want to welcome me to munchkin land though... They also cast self-destruct. Little fuckers. I hop on yet another conveyor belt, and end up... in a scene. Hooray? As it turns out yes, because Kefka pops up like an ugly, colorblind daisy and laughs. Have I mentioned that I love his laugh? And him? I do, he's magnificent. ANYWAY, he talks to himself, has some ellipses, and then apparently cracks himself up, because he laughs TWICE, and then wanders down to...

When speaking of pixelboobs, 'huge rack' is kinda relative. I do hope I'm the first person to coin 'pixelboobs,' however!
Shiva? I base this guess not on the blue skin, but on the HUGE RACK. Her legs are also on backwards, but I'm sure this happens when you're locked in an alternate world and the only people to breed with are your relatives. Damn... Then Kefka picked her up, threw her ass into a wall, and then punted her onto a conveyor belt. Well shit, Hulk Smash a bitch. Maybe that's what he was laughing about? "Hmm, I'm bored... Maybe I should go beat the shit out of a blue bitch, and then punt her into a meat grinder............. UWAHAHAHAHAH UWAHAHAHAHA YES! I LOVE IT!"

Oh wow, apparently there was another dead person there, that I had thought was just, you know, part of the scenery. Oh well, he gets chunked into the meat grinder too, and I guess it's time to go beat up Kefka and take his lunch money... again. Or not, because he seems to be gone, but either way, I get the cue that I'm supposed to hop into the meat grinder too. Here goes nothing!

So... this your first deathtrap? Ours either.
Did someone order a pit of death? Because that's what we've fallen into. I try talking to Shiva, but she's probably still unconscious or something, so I try... I'm gonna say Ifrit, because of the horns... Which might have been a bad idea, because now I'm fighting him:

I frit, you frit, we all frit for... Glass frit? Who the hell knows.
Um... nothing I'm doing is hurting him. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. I throw magic at him until something hurts him. I guess Celes has Blizzard, and then I put everyone else on heal/steal duty. Oh god, and then he starts teleporting and dropping red balls on me that almost kill me. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!! And then apparently Shiva joins the battle!

And since we're making fun of names, I'd Shiva too if I was caught in somebody's deathtrap in the nuddy.
This isn't fair!!!!! After several rounds of throwing fire at her, Ifrit shows back up and... the battle ends? W-with no XP? Son of a BITCH! I better get SOMETHING out of this, you little fuckers! Die and give me your crystallized souls, so I can learn magic!!! HA! They did it. Fuck yeah, new magic! Through one door I find a save point... and I think I'm going to end it here. I have a bunch of new magic to learn, and I might as well poke some flans with sticks until I learn some of it. Join us next week and we'll see if I can get out of this damn place, and make Giggles McClownpants have a shitty day!

... Giggles McClownpants is Kefka, if you're wondering.

1 comment:

  1. Those chicken lips (that;s the name of those rooster like lizards) casts Earthquake when u leave one alive and don't kill him fast. The marry poppins brothers (jokers) casts acid rain and bolt 2 (Ouch!)