We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Final Fantasy VI Day 14: Sparklypoo Flashback

As it turns out, it DID strip the magicite that teaches Cure off Celes. Thank goodness, I have people I need to put that shit on. Now, on with the show!

Apparently the lollipop guild are aliens... also if you kill them first, the flying saucer there summons more... and they cast kappa, or imp, or whatever. So now the question is: where did I put the cucumbers? (Note: I don't remember what actually cures kappa, I think it's some kind of cherry, but for the purposes of this flail, it's cucumbers.) I finally get Edgar cured of ugly, and take a few more steps, and Setzer runs up. Hey buddy, how's it going? Why don't you take over this convenient empty slot in my party? Well first there has to be some talking, and I'm going to assume Locke's telling Setzer the bad news about Celes, at which point our gambler friend blinks his girly eyelashes disbelievingly. It's true bro. She turned everything blue and disappeared, we all saw it. Everyone has a noddy head moment, and then run off. At which point we're back to:

He mad.

He so mad, he's gonna hit those switches behind him. Let's see what happens when he does. Well, apparently great big arms come out of the top of the castle, and then we go back to the airship. Well alright then. Everyone nods, it gets dark, and then the Figaros freak out one by one. I didn't get a picture of that but...

Don't they look so damn cute side by side at three-quarters turn? Ah yes, you remember those arms I mentioned?

Crap. They shoot fire, by the way. Well that wasn't SO bad, no one even got close to dieing, so rocksauce. Back to the exposition and 'we're so sad we lost Celes'. Hey guys, I have an idea... let's go get Tina. I've got a lot of magic for her to learn, and she's underleveled now. Let's get this grind on the road, gentlemen.

... Did they... did they LISTEN to me?! Holy sheet! Well, I think if that's the case, I'll be throwing all my second string in a party and leveling them while magicite grinding, it'll be awesome.

Setzer seems a bit surprised that Locke just pulled a stone about the same size as himself out of his clothing. So are we dude, so are we. Tina and the magicite glow at each other, and then... I'm controlling Madeen, or whatever his name is, you know, Tina-daddy. Awesome.

Have a picture of him not all blurry and floating in goo.

Apparently Cyan's wife was here. I kid, I kid, it's Tina's mom. But anyway, some stuff happens, she gets nursed back to health, and then goes and visits a cave. I follow after her, and then Madeen starts shitting sparkles and flying in a circle around her. Weirdest. Mating dance. EVAR! Then he flies around with her, they spin around each other, and then they BOTH shit sparkles:

So... does that mean it was good for her? I mean, come on people, it's gross with me saying they're pooping sparklies, but the alternative is SO much worse... and, you know, gives us evidence that Madeen has trouble delivering his load on time. And then... and then they fly off, leave two sparkles behind, and said sparkles join to form...

... So... they spawned like fish? And I guess he had to spin her around to get the eggs to come loose and start falling out? That's... that's creepy, Square. But there's baby Tina... looking like a pill. And then... calamity! You know, you espers SUCK if Biggs and Wedges are knocking your shit around... Though I have to say it's kinda funny to watch Sylph get her shit slapped repeatedly. Emperor Silly Beard shows up, and the invasion begins! Or something. His beard is silly, what do you want?

We're under attack, blah blah blah, some guy with wings, or long hair, says some shit, and a sylph blocks the door, I talk to someone, Tina-mama runs out, I run after her. and then there's a cave. I blow some Biggs and Wedges away, which isn't such a big deal... except there were some sparklies in that wind. See previous theory on what those sparklies might be. The Emperor gets blown away, and then so does the Tina-capsule, and Tina-mama. Sucks for you Madeen.

Seriously though, who the fuck carries a tiny baby out into what, for all intents and purposes, has become a WAR ZONE, and then run through a dangerous cave carrying it? HURR DURR, you dipshit, this is a BAD idea! And then Madeen gets blown out by his own wind! FAIL dude!

Then the Emperor takes pill-form Tina and kills her mother. Good times? Probably not, since that's kinda what started the eighteen years of slavery. On the upside though:

Tina's back to normal and maybe I can finally get back to work!

Not before Setzer gets his pose on. I don't know what he's saying, but I think it's something to the tune of, "Hello there, beautiful lady, I'll be the new charming rogue of the party from now on, so you can just ignore that loser Locke, and that tool Edgar, and focus all of your attention on me. Because I'm made entirely of AWESOME and WIN."

Alright, maybe that's not what he said, but close enough. Interesting side note? Setzer comes in equipped with a bandanna, but once you take it off him, you can never put it back on him again. This is NOT actually a glitch, he's just such a vain little bastard, he refuses to wear something Locke does... and that's AWESOME.

Back in the airship, Locke, Edgar and Setzer talk some more. Shit! Can I just level grind now? Oh wait, he seems to be trying to tell me something important... how to pilot the ship, likely... Well, we might as well see what happens. I was right, I now have control of the Blackjack, and I can change my party members. Time to get my grind on... on the Veldt! See you next week when I should be awesome. Until then remember... if you shake a woman hard enough, her eggs fall out. Good night!


  1. It's almost unfair to level any complaints at a game like FF VI, but sometimes I just think with these old games...I mean, they put tons of time into making them, and it seems like sprites are so easy compared to some of the other work that goes into a game like this. Why couldn't they make a few more unique sprites for characters like Cyan's wife or Tina's mother? At least change their hair color or something, right?

    Anyway, good post...brings back some memories.

  2. I suspect that, as with so many things, deadlines are the enemy here. Eventually you have to invest the time it'd take to give people individual mothers into the backgrounds, or monsters, or hero sprites...