I get my mission statement, which I can't read, and then pop up on the world map. I head into a little house and find... Shadow, or rather Kage, again! He asks me a question, and I say yes which ends up with him joining my party. Awesome. I talk to the guy in the house, watch him shriek and run around in circles, and then stand there as if nothing happened. Fantastico. Anyway, moving along. Some guy in green armor on a chocobo runs by and I manage to catch him and buy some... stuff. Don't ask me what it is.
So far the awesome thing about having Kage in my party is that occasionally his dog runs out and does over a thousand points of damage to the enemy. This is awesome and makes life much easier.
I finally wander into some little desert area, and this seems to be where I'm supposed to be, because there's a cut scene, and a bunch of Biggs and Wedges are wandering around talking to one another. There's a bunch of talking and suddenly Kefka pops out of tent. Awesome! He prances over, speaks to the soldiers and then prances off. From what I know of this game, I'm guessing he just said something to the tune of, "Well I'm bored... time to go poison the town of Doma!"
It seems to be a good guess on my part, because a platoon of Biggs and Wedge attack a town. There some more talking, and then a guy that is NOT a clone appears. This man is...
Cyan! The oldest meat shield in the world! Don't get me wrong, I like Cyan, and I have nothing against him being old, I just wanted to make the joke. He talks to some clone soldiers for a while, and then we head out where the attacking derp squad keeps falling over and running around in circles (I'm not even playing about that, they really are). I walk out and talk to the soldier in black and start a battle...
This guy has a freaking folding chair as a shield! Look at it! What the HELL?! Anyway, I take him down in a couple attacks, the Biggs and Wedges run the shit away, and I appear to be victorious. Cyan and the clone warriors have a noddy head moment, and then I'm back in the desert camp as Mash. Hooray. I wander around for a bit and find nothing, and then I cross the bridge and get drawn into another cut scene where we see...
General Leo! Perhaps the only other half decent human being in the entire Empire (the other being Celes, of course) and the only black man in the ENTIRE game. I'm not sure what's going on, but I think Wedge (Biggs?) just said that they got their asses kicked back at the castle and now they're in deep shit boss. Or possibly he mentioned Kefka saying that he's going to go kill everything, I don't know. Either way, Leo is not pleased.
Another Biggs (Wedge?) runs up, and that's probably the one that says something to the extent of, "We just got our asses hadned to us by an old man, boss! We need help!" He heads inside a tent, and then I get control of Mash again. I try to walk away, and then the hero of the day appears! By which I mean Kefka. Shhh, he's MY hero. I'm pretty sure he says something about everyone being hit with the stupid stick, and falling out of the stupid tree, hitting every stupid branch on the way down, landing in some stupid sand, and then washing it off with some stupid water. General Leo then shows up and either tries to talk some sense into Kefka (good luck there) or just tries to tell him not to do anything crazy (because he enjoys making futile efforts). Leo walks off, walking RIGHT by Mash and not seeing him, and then a Wedge (Biggs?) walks up to Kefka and they start talking.
Then Mash, in his infinite wisdom, jumps out in front of Kefka... because that's going to do something. And then I get to fight Kefka. Hooray?
Sadly I once AGAIN miss a chance to get a picture of Kefka freaking out (apparently he is surprised that he has the ability to feel pain?), and I miss him laughing about something too. Shit.
Well I caught that one at least, but the freaking out just happens too fast, and all I get is a blur. Sorry. Have Mash mugging instead.
Kefka seems less than worried, and Mash chases him off again, with Shadow following reluctantly after him. I chase after him a bit more, and then he shoves a random Biggs or Wedge into my path and I have to fight them. It's not really a big deal. After that we see Kefka crouch by a lake, but I don't get a picture of it... I'm going to go ahead and say that he just made good on his random declaration to poison Doma. With that done, I'm back in Cyan's territory... and I would like to get out of this cutscene some time soon. We then get to watch everyone in Doma die. Hooray! No wait, I mean boo. Or something. I now take over Cyan, and get down to looting the castle... Or not, because now it seems the king is dead.
I wander into another room to find Cyan's family is dead... and then burst out into laughter, because Cyan poked the dead kid, and it just SPLATTED out of the bed. I know I likely shouldn't be laughing, but it was literally "*poke* *flop*" and then Cyan did the electric slide away. After a big show of posing and kneeling and he finally settles on:
It's a fair reaction. After this, Cyan runs off and apparently decides to take on the whole desert camp. Good times. Mash runs up and helps out... and I get to engage in some scripted battles. After a few of those, the group apparently decides to steal some Magitek armor. Rock. Before jumping in, Sabin has to pose, laugh, freak out, and then force himself to be serious. My only guess is that he just said something about it being a bad idea to take those mushrooms before storming the camp. Cyan freaks out in his armor, and then we go meet up with Kage, who ran off to find his own death machine.
We get across the river, and Mash celebrates by jumping out of his Magitek and proclaiming a touchdown. I'm pretty sure this is the wrong game for that homey. After that everyone jumps out of the armors and we bolt... Damn guys, can't we keep the awesome armor? Please?
I try to get into the castle to loot it, but I can't, and instead head into a forest... where I find out that Kage's dog can fly. AWESOME! Shame he missed his attack. I seem to use up my alotment of battles with Kage, and he fucks off with the good armor I put on him. Shit. Anyway, I continue to make my way through the forest and come to a train... crap. I would have liked to have Kage here for these battles. Still, onto the train with us! Mash is all for that plan, and Cyan realizes that his new partner is a bit of a derp.
What... the HELL?! I talked to a ghost, randomly selected an option, and then it joined my party... What? I find the save point, and there's a book and a guy there. I don't know what either said, but the guy gives me some options... I guess I'll pick other options and see what happens. I leave, get another ghost in my party apparently, and then wander off to hopefully find some treasure. The lack of treasure I find confuses and infuriates me... and then there's this:
Mash doesn't seemed pleased with the situation either, and I'm even LESS pleased, because I didn't get a chance to access the menu and heal up. Oops. As it turns out, I'm given the chance to heal up, and then go up the ladder and get a shit load more ghosts coming after me. Goody. Cyan decides that we must jump, and Mash doesn't seem to think that's such a good idea, which he expresses by spinning around in a circle. Because that's how EVERYONE expresses hesitence... by spinning. We end up jumping across a few cars until we fall through a hole in the roof. Hooray, time to back track for treasure!
Or not, I dunno, but apparently all of the ghosts freaked out too at the sight of the others coming after them. I regret that I couldn't get a picture for you... that happens a lot I've noticed. I find a random switch inside the car and pull it and the cars full of hungry ghosts go bye bye. I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not, because I'm pretty sure I missed treasure back there.
I don't know what these fuckers are, but they're frightening... I still kill them pretty easily, but they look fucked up and scary. Apparently some ghosts won't let me pass until I eat a meal? Is it a ghost meal? Am I going to end up with a Persephone deal here? Whatever you do Mash, DON'T EAT THE POMEGRANATES!!!
A hundred history dork points if you got that reference. Cyan doesn't think we should eat it either, but Mash laughs at him and can't figure out what the problem could possibly be. Cyan seems to talk some sense into him, and makes Mash sad.
Apparently Mash eats it anyway, and our HP and MP are restored. Hooray! Then I find out that I have to go around anyway to get the treasure chest so... meh. On the upside though, treasure!
I try to open another chest and that guy from the back car that I detached shows up... clearly he's a wizard.
He doesn't seem pleased... and Mash laughs at him. Then we fight:
And then he attacked me like twenty-seven times before it even lets me attack back... this is not looking good for us... and then he goes down after one round of attacks. Ah, well, it seems I overexaggerated the risk here. He then runs over, and steals the treasure... You fucking douche cannon! I wander up a couple more cars, find that the ghosts have a kamikaze attack, and then have my other ghost buddy leave once I try to advance again. So long Casper, shine on you crazy ectoplasm.
And now we come to the actual locomotive, and I find...
A room full of switches! Awesome. I have no idea what to hit here... so we'll just start flipping switches and see what happens! Absolutely nothing! After trying all possible combinations someone FINALLY gets the idea, "Oh yeah, you need to flip the switch on the front of the train!" *headtable* Apparently there's a switch on the front of the train. Did you know that? I didn't. So now back to the trying switches, and then head off to push an entirely different button each time to see if it works. After like two or three tries later, I get the right combination... and now I have to fight the train...
I wanna know how they're fighting while running backwards... Also it shoots ghosts at me, and...
Shit. Where's the freaking Remedy? Or a cucumber at the very least. I seem to be getting my ass kicked here... Mash is glowing and Cyan is an imp... we're in trouble. Alright, I get Cyan back to his normal human self and use his sword tech... and the train goes down. Awesome. The train stops, and I get off... Mash celebrates.
Then we get to see all of the dead people from Doma get on the train. For the record? Cyan's wife is a pallet swap of pretty much every other female in the game that isn't five or a main character. Where are all these damn clones coming from?! His son is also a pallet swap of every five year old boy in the world. Hooray. The ghost train heads off, and we leave the forest... and then it's into ANOTHER FUCKING CAVE!!! Fucking hell!
You know, I think I'm going to call it here for this today. We'll go spelunking Sunday, and see how many horrifying cave labia there are in here. Until then remember... If you see a kappa, throw cucumbers at it.
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