We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 18 (In which... *GASP* PUPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

So when we last left off, Celes was being a crazy bitch, and then we were heading out for our date with destiny... or maybe her annoying sister irony. In any case...

It's weird, but all Squaresoft boat sprites look basically alike without BEING exactly alike.

'All right, men! First we... crap, one of you is a woman, right? All right men and woman! Uh, people! First... I've completely lost my train of thought now. We're going to Thamasa, `kay?'
I'm on a boat! ... I've used that before haven't I? I dunno, but I'm gonna roll with it.
There are talky bits, nodding head, and then... apparently I'm in control of Tina? I don't know what for, but apparently talking to Leo does something, so here's hoping that it's something good. This cut scene is one huge feelsbadman fest, and I'm not sure what the point of it was... exposition, likely, but that doesn't mean dick to me, all things considered. Shadow wanders up and there's some more talking... Can I just get back to level grinding, please? Apparently not, and Locke slides out to reveal he was listening to the whole thing... That's kinda douchey homeboy... and then he falls on his face:

Yup, totally seasick.
Which is actually kinda awesome. Maybe he's seasick, since I think he just threw up over the side... yep, seasick. In the next cut scene apparently Celes gets TOLD, and she falls to her knees. Well that's what you get for being a bitch, I dunno what to tell you. The important thing here though, is that we're back on land! Time to equip up Shadow and get to work trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to be doing! After a quick discussion with Flailthroughs and Co, I find out that Shadow is here for the extent of the event... which is nice, but since I can't fuck off to find the good magic-teaching places... I think I'll just do the event and call it a fucking day. It seems I'm supposed to be in Thamasa, because that's the only place available to me, so into flipper mage town I go!

What? They're a secluded town, that can only be reached via airship, which Setzer is the only person to own, or boat, and they don't talk to outsiders or trade with them. Not only is that a good way to tank your economy (Especially when you have an INN), but it's a good way to guarantee more inbreeding that all the royal families of Europe put together, and as we all know, if you inbreed long enough... you get flipper babies. Well-known fact.

Well holy crap... someone talked to me when I poked them, and now the armor shop is dealing with me. Awesome. Well I wander around and upgrade equipment before watching a kid set fire to some bushes, and then head in to talk to Strago. He's important now because we unstack and he starts asking questions. I wonder if he recognizes the ninja... or at least the dog. I already got a picture of Strago a while ago, so we'll just skip straight to the naming.

Five Hi To Mu Ta Zero to his friends.
I forgot to get the good picture of his name... sorry. I just woke up, give me a break. I also missed Strago freaking out, but oh well... I DO have this though:

Sad, sad, sad, sad, why must I be sad?
Damn dude, even the DOG feels bad! Strago must have said some heinous shit. The door behind him opens and he gets yelled at for it though.

Did you notice that their outfits are similar, but don't really match anybody else in town? Kinda creepy.
Then we're introduced to:

Maybe Strago insists on sewing all their clothes himself. Which might make sense if the Thamasan economy has collapsed.
Henceforth, Relm shall be known as...
...To Yo Re Mi! I'm pretty sure this is how they name Sith Lords.
Strago's darling grandchild Relm... Anything here look familiar to you Shadow? A little like something you should recognize? Maybe a resemblance you see? Like maybe you someone you used to know? Someone you knew a little over ten yeas ago? Someone you maybe left behind?

...You!! I'd know the bridge of that nose ANYWHERE!
Strago sees it... they must resemble each other in the mask area...

For those of you playing the home game, Relm doesn't wear a mask.

Anyway Relm then has a "*GASP* PUPPY!" moment and, like a typical small child, forgets EVERYTHING she's doing to run over and play with the doggy.

'Yay, puppy!' '...he's not a puppy. He's a ruthless killing machine.' 'Yay, ruthless killing machine!'
Shadow tells her to leave the damn dog alone, Strago gripes at her, and then Relm whines at him because he never gave her a puppy. Or something. Our blue mage friend is having none of it, though:

'Do you remember what happened the last time you played with a ruthless killing machine? The mayor had to cast Rais... er, use a Phoenix Down on you! Yes. Phoenix Down. NOT USE MAGIC. At all.'
He mad... and I'm wondering where the hell everyone keeps getting all the damn capes. Is there like a chain of cape stores that sell good, cheap capes, or are people just born with them in FF6? The world may never know. Anyway, Relm fucks off with Interceptor following loyally behind. So much for him being a one person dog, huh Shadow? Starting to get a bit of an idea now? Maybe why she seems familiar? Why your dog accepts her? Maybe there's something you have in common with her? Like maybe something about her is familiar to the dog?

Well after she runs off, she reappears for a moment to yell and slam the door... Aaaaah kids... you can't live with them, and it's illegal to eat them. Strago is pondering this very problem right now:

Rows of dandelions blooming all around me- why must I be sad?
If only she had another living relative you could foist her off on... Someone that would take her away and get her out of your hair... Someone that could take her out and show her the world, while giving you some peace and quiet... There's some more talking, everyone nods, and Interceptor finally comes back, and we head back out into the town. As we wander around, we keep running into kids using magic, or people teaching them magic... at which point they all run away. Hmm.... weren't Tina, Kefka and Celes supposed to be the only people that could use magic without crystallized Esper souls? And wasn't Tina supposed to be the only one that could use it innately since she's not human? Hmmm... Well I talked to everyone, and nothing seems to happen even after I go back and talk to Relm and Strago, so I head out and see if that triggers anything... Nope. Alright then... let's try staying the night at the inn then... assuming it's not still like, a BILLION gil to stay. A...pparently I stay for free now? Well anyway this seems to be what I need, because I get a scene and Strago runs in, punts Locke out of bed (pretty spry for an old man) and starts screaming at him. Hey homey, don't look at me, *I* didn't knock your descendant up... you'll wanna look one bed to the left... You know, the one that's just sitting there... sleeping... not doing anything... at least until he realizes that his dog has fucked off.

Anyway, we head outside and everything is tinted red!

'So what's so important? Is the shop having a fire sale or someth-'
I wonder what this could mean... What's bright and puts off reddish-orange light? Hmm...

'...oh. Right.'
Oh yeah! That could certainly do it... I guess that's what you get for setting the bushes behind the house on fire, HUH blurry bouncing kid! ... I would like to point out everyone here knows MAGIC, so really asking a group of STRANGERS to put out a fire is really, REALLY dumb, but you know, whatevs... Oh good, something explodes in the house, and then Strago starts casting:

'His last name is Magus and he knows magic!? That's a hell of a coincidence!'
Well it's nice to know SOMEONE has pulled their head out of their ass and got to work doing something useful... and then a bunch of people run up and start bitching at him. Doooooooouchebaaaaags. You're in the middle of NOWHERE, NO ONE comes here! Stop being stupid fucks and use your damn magic! Oh good, everyone seems to have gotten their heads out of their asses and start helping... though it didn't do any good, and someone else in the house collapses... Time to send in the adventuring outsiders that by some coincidence also know magic! Strago joins out party and...

'You know, in hindsight we really shouldn't have made this building completely out of fire.'
It's a bit hot in here... Strago PLEASE keep your clothes on. There seem to be a bunch of bombs here, but since everyone other than Strago knows Blizzara, this is a fucking cake walk. See boys and girls? THIS is why you obsessively teach everyone everything... because you never know when you're gonna want a party full of casters to make shit faster. I come to a place with a choice of two doors and try to take the first one... which results in me getting caught in a bomb pincer. Oh well, nothing to really worry about. There are treasure chests in this burning house... so I spend a lot of time wandering through flames and bombs to get that delicious, delicious treasure. What? Ten year old in danger of being burned to death, or dieing of smoke inhalation? Fuck that! Treasure!

I finally head up the stairs and... find a boss flame?

I forget, does this fire talk?
Oh well, I'm still full of ice magic, so let's kick some ass. Oooh, I get some boss music and get a whole new monster I haven't seen before:

Didn't I fight one of these in Gradius?
He summons bombs... not that it really matters, considering the fact that Blizzara kicks ass here. It's a shame there wasn't enough time to teach it to Strago though. It puts up Reflect, but luckily physical damage still gets through, and I mug the eye of Sauron to death. Awesome. Strago levels and then bounces around, flailing wildly because he can't find Relm. Interceptor apparently teleports in and finds her. Good dog. Everyone poops themselves, and then there's a collapse and everyone falls down... at which point Shadow ninjas in, which ninjas do, and saves everyone from the flames that were approaching us. Hooray. He then ninjas us back out. Awesome.

Back in Strago's house, there's some talking, some surprise, and some exposition. Apparently Relm shares a trait with Gau, in that she prefaces what she says with her own name... clearly small children are Pokemon, this is the only logical explanation. Strago joins the party for good, and we're free to head off again, it seems. Sadly, we walk into another cut scene, which would be more interesting if I could read it, and Strago talks to Shadow. Maybe he finally recognizes him? I don't know, but Relm runs out and has another "*GASP* PUPPY!" moment, because she apparently has the memory span of a gold fish, and then Shadow heads off... taking my SPRINT SHOES WITH HIM, YOU DOUCHE BAG!!!! I REALLY need to remember not to put anything on him... Actually as it turns out, I got those back... he just has all the equipment I put on him. Oh well.

Well I know this was short, but I've completed the event, so I'm going to call it here. Join us next weekend when I flail violently, trying to figure out where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing. Until then, remember... SHADOW IS RELM'S DADDY!!!!!!!!!!!!

... And if you thought that needed a spoiler warning, you're so far behind the times, that you're still in the bronze age. Have a good week!

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