We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, May 14, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 19 (In which there is tentacle rape)

And we're back. When we last left off, we had just left Thamasa, and I have a lot of magic to teach the MAGE. Fucker. I wish I remembered how to teach him blue magic... I think I have to have him get hit with stuff... I dunno. Anyway, it's back on the world map, and into the flail! Well as it turns out, there's a cave I didn't notice before, so I'm going to plumb its depths... Which considering that the cave entrances look like labia, is a lot creepier than I really intended. First thing that's up is a palette swap of the horrible sneeze lizard horses... they don't look any better in purple and green than they did in green and gold... gold and green... I SHALL CALL THEM KARMA CHAMELEONS!!!!

I feel old for making that reference...

There seem to be three exits to this cave, and I saw Relm running around up towards the top... I think I know which way I'm supposed to go... Though I'm wondering how the hell she got here before me, considering I left out first, and I have the sprint shoes. Well anyway, now that I know where I'm SUPPOSED to go, I'm going to take the two other exits and look for treasure. I was wrong, the north exit was not where I'm supposed to go, because it's where the southwest exit leads to. So since those exits have no delicious, delicious treasure, I shall head out the east exit. I know I'm on the right path, because Relm keeps showing up and freaking out and running away.

Shouldn't there be a glass case for those? Or at least a velvet rope. Something, man!
Definitely on the right track here, because those look suspiciously like plot point statues.

AAH! I forgot it was my turn to dust the statues! ...fifty years ago. This is gonna take some scrubbing.
Yep, they're plot points... or Strago forgot his depends, either way, this looks like something I'm supposed to care about. There's some talking, and then Relm wanders in, freaks out and goes to hide, while there's more talking. you know, these are actually pretty damn small statues for things that are supposed to be important, since they're shorter than Tina... and depending on your translation, she's somewhere between 5'6" and 5'2". Well whatever that exposition was, we pan over to the exit, and I get the idea that I'm supposed to head there. Thanks for the tip guys, but considering that's the only other way out of the cave, I think I already knew that that was where I was headed.

Well then, I walk down the steps and suddenly SQUIDS ATTACK! Seriously, Ultros dive-bombed my ass, and then bounced up and down on Locke a couple times for good measure. All I can think is "Chaaaaaarlieeeeeee, Chaaaaaaaaaaarliiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!" "Please stop bouncing on me..." Anyway, he apparently has a diabolical plan:

Do octopi even have kidneys to take?
Involving the statues? I dunno, maybe he thinks he can become the god of squids, or something. He bounces around and chortles in his joy, and then my crew gets up, and there's more talking. And now there's a fight. This should be easy. I unleash a round of whoop ass on him... and all that happens is Ultros creeps closer... Tina is suddenly very worried. After the second round of ass kicking, he casts some spell that looks like coins, and then a shiny bubble, and then... poison? What is he, a blue-ringed octopus? Am I about to get poisoned up in here? He continues to creep closer after the next round, and Tina's getting more worried by the second.

Suddenly! Relm drops in. LOLIS FROM THE SKY!!!!!

And lo*, the basis for a hundred hundred doujinshi was born...
I um... I don't think she should be standing with her back to the horrible tentacle monster. Strago agrees, and flips his shit... and thanks to Flailthroughs and Co I find out she's not a Pokemon at all, she's refering to herself in the very arrogant third person. Think Sesshomaru from Inuyasha, she's basically calling herself Lady Relm (Relm-sama, the honorific loosely translate to that title, or so years and years of anime has taught me). This has been your weeaboo moment for the evening, I promise I'll stop now.

Um... for some reason I'm not really sue of Relm decided to get CLOSER to the creepy squid, and it looks like he has her face. I think I know where this is going, and I'm frightened, boys and girls. Locke hops around, and Relm managed to free herself from the horrible tentacles, and then:

Dammit, Japan.
Barfs. Ah, the trauma is already setting in, and I've never been so happy that monster sprites aren't animated in my life. Relm gets her shit together, says something, Strago freaks out, and then Tina jumps in to try to help... by talking to Relm and then walking over and... GROPING A TENTACLE?! HOLY SHIT, THEY RAPIN' URRBODY UP IN HERE!

DAMMIT, Japan!
That... is probably the most unfortunate arrangement of sprites I've ever seen... And then Tina hops away, and:

Actually, they convince Ultros to let Relm paint a picture of him. And then the picture kicks his ass. Imagine Team Rocket as a purple octopus, and that's Ultros.
She mad... I can't blame her. I just hope she's mad for a legitimate reason, like almost-tentacle rape instead of being mad that the huge creepy squid wants the loli rather than her. (Seriously, watch enough anime, you'll not only see that trope, but come to DESPISE IT!!!!) Locke tries to talk to Ultros, and then there are a shit load of ellipses. Relm bounces around and then joins the party (front row, I might add, which is NOT a good place for her) and Ultros slimes back away from us. Good, maybe now I can actually KILL him! Ultros... apparently dropped blue rocks on Strago... for over fifteen hundred damage. Ouch. Then Ultros starts creeping up again. Fuck dude, go AWAY! Well apparently all I needed to do was have Relm sketch him so his drawing smacked him with a tentacle, and he died. Good to know! Outside of battle, we get to watch Relm flail, and likely talk about how amazing she is. Finally Strago agrees to let her join the party, and it's time to equip her better, and throw an esper at her. Man I hope she can still sketch now that I've taken off her brush.

As it turns out she still can sketch, which is good for me. I head into the new area, from which there seems to be no escape, but there are three dents in the floor"

I write well in advance too. I'm done RSII through this coming Wednesday as of this moment. -Ed.
So... Do I go stand on one? We'll find out tomorrow! Sorry for the short post, but this is really the best place to break it up, or else this post is going to be huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge! (Yeah, I've done the plot event for tomorrow, sorry for shattering the illusion, but trust me on this one, as a whole post, it's too many pictures AND hits the tl;dr threshold.) So anyway, come back to tomorrow to see what happens!

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