We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 20 (In which Kefka Brings the Stabbity*)

So when I left off yesterday, I was in a room full of suspicious-looking dents in the floor, and I was wondering if I should stand on one, so I check to see if that's what I'm supposed to do.

Ah, I remember those bridges! For some reason all the dungeons that use them annoyed the hell out of me.
Apparently it is. It dropped me down here, so let's hope I picked the right one. Well it seems to have been the only path connected to an exit that wasn't the original two, so that's good, I suppose. I'm led into a room full of spotlights, but I don't get anything for standing in one so they must just be cosmetic.
I head further down and...

Valkyries are reasonably vulnerable to insta-kill techniques, if that helps! -Ed.
Find a fairy? Well if reading the Romancing Saga 2 flail has taught me anything, it's that this is really like 3 Valkyries and they're all full of horrible, horrible death. Relm doesn't seem scared though, but she's not only a little kid, she's an arteest, so no one understand her toes. Or something. Suddenly:

'HAH! Crouching on the floor is for amateurs- you freak out like THIS!'
ESPERS! ESPERS URRWHURR!!! We've got three dragons (red, green and blue, so fire, chlorine gas, and lightening... Oh gods, I just went all DragonLance up in here...) two wolfmen, and a fairy... and Strago seems to have shat himself. Actually we pan down and reveal another wolfman and another fairy as well, so this cave is just jumping with espers, isn't it? I couldn't get a picture though, because as SOON as it panned down, Tina started running her yap. Tina tells the Maguses (Magi?) to leave, and then ANOTHER dragon and wolfman appear:

'Like this?' 'Pre-cisely! That's m'girl.'
'Now let's work on your fighting stance!' 'NOT THE TIME, Strago!'
This looks like a REALLY good time for the Empire to run in, shout "FOOLED YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then get all esper killy/capturey. suddenly this weird dude walks in, and I missed the group poop themselves when he started talking to Tina, sorry. And then they start flashing at Tina, like Tritoch... It's amazing how many espers seem to be flashers. Locke's disturbed by this fact:

Espers communicate by Solar Flare-based Morse Code. `struth.
I'm not happy about it either, homey. If he starts floating and swinging Tina around, you knock her out of the air with a stick, grab her and run like hell. There's some more flashing, everything goes dark, and then the espers stop surrounding us and start using their words... not that that means anything to me, but apparently Hangman gallows, hyphen over angular common speaks people, and he starts running his mouth. Everyone eventually wanders up and puts their two cents in, and all I really want are their crystallized souls, so can we get moving on this, please? There's another fade to black and we reappear here:

...that is, Solar Flare as in the Dragon Ball Z technique, AKA the Taiyo-Ken.
Where General Leo is going to make nice with the espers, and everyone is going to say they're sorry, and accept one another, and sing Kumbaya...

And if you believe that, then I've got a bridge to sell you.

The espers and Leo make nice, Locke tries to make nice with Celes, but she's having none of it, apparently, Tina wants to help, and Strago and Relm...

'...what's with all the angst?' 'I TOLD you never to ask me about your father!' '...what?' '...oh. Uh, never mind.'
Exchange a 'we're surrounded by idiots' look. Locke and Celes spin, Locke freaks, and then everyone laughs... until we hear the dreaded:

'Lucky for our mecha designers nobody's figured out how impractical open-cockpit mechs really are! Uwee hee hee!'
Giggles McClownpants! See? I told you shit was going to get fucked. He has one of his Magitek soldiers shoot the Biggs and Wedge with Leo, as well as my group, and Leo's pissed. I see sad times in the good general's future. Kefka starts killing espers and stealing their magicite like a douchebag, and then orders the town razed. Leo's unhappy, Kefka tells him to fuck himself and then has him shot. Then... I'm playing Leo? Talking to my party doesn't help, but I can go into the stores, apparently. Also, for those of you that didn't believe me:

And a scarce couple years later, we go from this to Barret Wallace. Yeah.
Leo really is the only black man in FFVI. I wander around, but since I can't find anything, or do anything other than use the shops, I guess I'll try talking to Kefka... who is STILL laughing. Dude... give it a rest already. I try to walk by one of the magitek armors, bu that just puts me in a battle I can't win, so I run away and talk ti Kefka for reals. Fight time.

Crap, he's tall again. Who knows how to summon the Megazord?
We know it's a serious battle because we're not fighting a sprite. Oh, did I mention Leo attacks eight times a round? I love the genji glove/offering combo. I use Leo's special move and beat old Giggles pretty handily, but...

'By the power of my silly hat I command you to STOP!'
The Emperor ninjas in, and Leo's about to get into trouble. Oh no wait~ It's really Kefka~ Oh nooooooes~! Text, text text, and then Kefka gets stabbity:

'Sorry, it's just my hair that's silly. My mistake!'
Twice actually, and he seems to have cracked himself up:

Yay, murder!
Fade to black, more laughing, Kefka plays catch with the dead body, and then flashes of color, horrible sounds, clown freaking out... and then fade to black again and... we're suddenly back at Esper Door, where all of the rocks are blown away and espers fly out, including Shiva... AGAIN! Kefka laughs, makes all his magitek goons disappear, and then puts in his serious face:

I picture Kefka as being like the Joker: it's when he STOPS laughing that your shit is fucked.
He then unleashes wholesale clowny slaughter on all of the attack espers... Including palette swap Ifrit:

'I, Player-2 Ifrit, shall knock you all down!'
I don't know why I was shown that battle, but I think I'm going to have to be kicking a clown in the junk soon and stealing his magicite.

Even when he freaks out he looks like he's about to laugh his ass off, though.
Holy shit! I FINALLY caught it!!! AWESOME!!! I don't know WHY he's freaking out, but i FINALLY caught Kefka's 'oh shit' face. I feel so proud of myself. He laughs at me for that, and then everything goes back and we're at Leo's grave:

I'm just guessing, but I doubt that cross is in the SNES version...
Everyone feels bad, and then Interceptor sneaks in and barks. What is it boy? Has Shadow fallen into the Serpent Trench and sustained a compound fracture of the lower mandible? Everyone freaks out over Interceptor's appearance, and then the rest of the party shows up. Can I get in the airship and magic grind now? Please?

'Dude, he had an OFFERING! He's not gonna use the damn thing and it'll be hours until we see another! What if I-'
Ah Mash, I missed you. I don't know what you and Relm are talking about, but your inappropriate posing is always good for a laugh. Relm does not agree:

'Dammit Sabin, NO. You're creeping out the kid.'
She mad. Everyone flaps, Mash poses, and then everyone leaves... except Edgar and Relm. He seems to be asking her how old she is... She's ten... Edgar! Don't you go getting creepy now!

'I'M creeping out the kid, brother?' '-go pose somewhere, or something.' 'I'm ALREADY posing!' 'SHUT UP!'
He got creepy. STOP LUSTING AFTER THE TEN YEAR OLD! Well in any case, my airship is back, and it's time to magicite grind, I'll do that, and meet you guys back here next weekend. Until then... Edgar is a creepy, creepy man. Good night!

*(Context! -Ed.)


  1. Man, I remember loving Leo. Thinking back, though, he had to be pretty flawed or pretty self-deluding to work for the Empire for so long without recognizing the true nature of the Emperor.

  2. I've got to agree. I've watched too many people get (figuratively) stabbed in the back by organizations that don't deserve the level of loyalty they offer. Failing to recognize that before it's too late tends to cost you big.