We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 22 (In which the Kefkas are dancing again)

We're still on the floating continent, we just killed Mid Boss the Horn Freak, and Shadow left us... WHY DOESN'T HE LOVE US ANYMORE?!?!? *cough* Anyway, I take my party of three, and continue up the stairs to see what happens next. Oh...

If you can find Final Fantasy VI Advance, I highly recommend it. It's a new translation, but feels extrapolated from Ted Woolsey's excellent work, rather than feeling like it replaces that work. Great stuff.
This is what happens next. Well shit, since they're just up a short ass set of stairs, you would have thought they would have HEARD me fighting that giant monster at the foot of the steps. In any case, there are the goddess statues... though really, only the one in the back is actually a goddess, the other two are Demon (right) and Fiend (left). I know this because I looked it up ages ago, and calling them all Goddesses was either a mistranslation, as happened so often in these older games, or... I dunno, something weird to do with Nintendo's old anti-religion policies... which makes it make even less sense to refer to them as Goddesses when they were the Warring Triad, or just Gods... I dunno, whatever. I looked this all up ages ago, I just remembered it because it was SO different from what you learn in the first US release of the game, and I've never played the GBA version where they cleared up the translation errors (and fixed the Vanish bug, those bastards).

I digress, anyway, there's some talking, and then Celes runs up... for some reason. Gestahl sucks up some magic, and then:

I always make multiple saves, so I know where Gestahl's coming from here.
Well... he either hit us in the face with save points, or he released his spore into the air like an esper... Let's go with the less horrifying option and assume he hit us in the face with save points. Celes escaped the save point wrath, and then Gestahl tries to explain how it was all necessary... or something. Then Kefka walks over and starts yammering. You know... I just REALLY wanna stab someone here... But instead, I get to watch Kefka dance, which, in all fairness, was kinda funny. Celes sieg heils, Kefka dances, Gestahl rambles... can I get up now? I'm bored here!

Her favorite cut of meat is the shank. Yeah, I went there.
FUCK YEAH! That's what I wanted! Celes brought the stabbity! Kefka isn't pleased:

See, now if FFVII had let me stab Sephiroth somewhere in the middle instead of hitting me with more Cell Jrs, I mean Jenova clones, I'd have been a lot happier.
He runs back and forth for like, twenty seconds and then had a seizure, before getting REALLY mad... you think he would have just used Cure... Oh wait, I'M the one with those espers. Well then, a potion, perhaps. He runs his mouth and then...

I like this one. 'Oh yeah... I got stabbed. Ow.'
He... feels... bad? Somehow I'm not buying it... he's probably just plotting for whatever horrible, awful thing he's going to do next:

And 'I think I'll lay down a minute' is a logical response to that realization.
Which is apparently take a nap... Kefka you fiend? Well then he gets up and gets back to his normal dastardliness... in this case I think he's trying to get the statues to cough up their power. Doesn't seem to be working though. Pobresito, mi corozon sangra para el. He manages to get them to glow, and Gestahl is none too pleased.

He does, doesn't he?
Well... they mostly seem to be talking and jumping in place... I;m not sure what that's supposed to accomplish, other than cracking Kefka up, but then everything does. Gestahl tries using magic, but it does approximately jack shit since Kefka has had a HELL of a head start on him, and... well... the emperor is old... and looks kinda like some kind of dog. Giggles bounces around and laughs at him, and then... punts him:

I'm glad Rowlf turned out so well when his grandpa was such a dick.
Way to beat the elderly, you creepy clown... Not that he didn't DESERVE a good punt to the face, I'm just saying... All of a sudden red lightening starts striking the ground and Kefka starts doing his victory dance. Could it be... that he planned to destroy the world all along?!?!?!

Short answer: Yes. Long answer: HELLS YEAH!!! Why? Because it's Kefka, and he's crazy... and I don't mean your garden variety, Oedipal complex, fear of time passing, or fear of not existing crazy, I mean he's FREAKING INSANE! He doesn't actually NEED a reason, he just wants to DESTROY EVERYTHING... and possibly become a god, but mostly he just wants to DESTROY EVERYTHING. because that's how he rolls. Deal with it. Kefka seems to get the hang of controlling the lightening, and zaps the shit out of Gestahl... and then starts punting him around like a football. You're such a sweet guy, Kefka, playing toss with the corpse of a fellow general, and then playing soccer with the corpse of your former boss... he's living the dream man... He then Falcon Punches Gestahl off the continent... that's going to leave a mess where ever he lands. Celes comes up and tries to talk to Kefka... because she's STUPID, and then gets slapped in her bitch face. Well, that's what you get for being dumb. Kefka then starts un-feng shui'ing the statues. Yes, boys and girls, he destroys the world by moving furniture. Then Shadow, literally, ninjas in, and traps Kefka between two statues... hooray? It seems to be Giggles' weakness though, and everyone throws off their paralyzing save points, so let's get this shit on the road! By the way, I have a timed event coming up, so I'll meet you back here after I finish it, mm kay?

Yeah, I failed, so back to the mid boss. I'll get back to you once I actually pass the timed event. Well, I made it this time, and I'm up a Genji Glove, so rocksauce. Now I'm just waiting for my ninja... aaaany minute now... Come on Shadow... today please... Well that was almost a catastrophe, since I walked away from the edge to try to get him to show up faster, and got into a battle... Luckily Shadow showed up, interrupted the battle, and then we got away safely. Fuck yeah, ninja! Then, for absolutely NO reason, the airship breaks in half, and...

But... the Future Refused to Change. ...wait, no. It just changed a LOT.
The world ends. Well thanks for playing with a kiddies, it's been fun. See you guys next time I get stuck with a Flail. So long!

... You didn't think I was serious, did you? God, I hope not. After the world ends, Celes wakes up on an island:

I'd be pretty sick if I hadn't slept for a year too. Actually I'd be dead.
and rainslicker Cid has been taking care of her. How sweet of him... where the hell did he FIND her, considering she was falling from the sky, and he was in Vector? Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter. They talk, and I think Cid told her that it had been a year since the world ended... or that she had been in a coma for a year... or something. Anyway, I'm pretty sure a year has passed. Which... means that Cid hasn't slept in a year, since Celes has been in his bed... Or has he? Creeeeeepyyyyy. Anyway, I need to feed him a fish, so let's try NOT to kill the old guy! So... apparently I keep only getting decent fish, you know, ones that don't kill him, but don't help him either. Through like, multiple resets and a MILLION trips to the beach, I STILL haven't seen a fast fish... assholes. I have, however, been decimating the local fish population, as evidenced by the times I show up at the beach and there are no fish. Remind me why I can't just feed him the seagull instead? Well, apparently after like, twenty alright fish, Cid gets up and starts walking around while I'm in the room. So... win? Yes, apparently, because Celes didn't kill herself, and there's a raft. Hooray! Cid and Celes have a conversation in the raft room, and then she waves goodbye on the beach, and we're off to explore this new destroyed world, and try to find our damn party! We REALLY need to work on our landings though:

Eh, compared to falling out of the airship this is nothing.
You might notice that there's a lot of rocks around here... Well, that's what happens when the WORLD ENDS!!!! The ground burns, there are earthquakes and tidal waves, and significantly less grass grows. It's in the rules. Speaking of rules, that aren't rules at all, I'm going to call it here. It's been a big day, what with the apocalypse and the fishing and all, and now we have the daunting task of finding our friends, and killing a clowny god in front of us. So until next weekend remember... When the world ends, the music changes. See you next week!

No comments:

Post a Comment