We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 23 (In which I DIDN'T make the knee-jerk sexist joke that came to mind)

Alright, so today we'll be scraping Celes up off the ground, and praying that we don't get hit with any status effects that will give us a game over... You may have noticed that we're using the collective personal pronoun... well we've got a mouse in our pocket, so shut up...

No, really I don't. I'm just weird. Anyway, I'd like to note that, while pretty much all of the monsters are palette swaps, they've been given a bit of a power boost, which is kind of detrimental when there's only ONE person in your party for them to attack. Luckily a Genji Glove helps up the damage, and I continue on my merry way. It's not very scenic around here, but what can you expect when the world has ended? Hm... This looks important:

You'd think he'd go for the bright colors or flashing lights or something. Nihilism and decoration don't mix, I guess.
Can't imagine what it could poooooooossibly be though~ *cough*finaldungeon*cough*
Anyway, I obviously can't go in, so time to look for a town. I find one, dunno which one, but I find one. There doesn't seem to be anything new or interesting, so it's off to try find another town, hopefully one with something to do in it, or at least something worth buying. I find another tiny little town somewhere to the north, and... no one's moving. That's odd... and kind of hopeful. I mean, if it isn't business as normal, then that means I should be able to find some kind of plot hook here, right?

Short answer, yes. As soon as I walk into town proper, it goes all strobe light, and the ground starts to shake, while people run like hell. Promising. Despite the earthquake, however, I can still shop! Ha ha, capitalism! In the Items Shop, I see a strangely familar item:

Yes, that does say Super Ball!
So... I'm catching pokemon now? Well they can go to HELL! I'm not paying that much for anything short of an Elixir, or some awesome, awesome weapon/armor. Back to wandering about. After I get some shopping done, I wander over and see a familiar face:

Whoops, time to hurry before Sabin goes full Porthos.
He's a bit blurry, what with the ongoing earthquake, but that's totally Mash. Hey there, Muscley Arms... Um... you probably SHOULDN'T pose right now. Still, seeing him hold up a house means I'm going to have to go in that house and do something, and there's going to be a time limit. Goody. I'll see you guys back here after it's done.

Looks like I made it out in time, somehow. I had to go rescue a kid, while Mash held the building up. I head over to talk to him once it's mission complete, and he laughs... I don't know why...

'...I really didn't miss that.'
But then there's the inevitable posing, and Celes wonders why the hell she missed this moron. They have a noddy head moment, and then Mash is back in the party. Hooray! I have stuff for yooooou! Now that he's equipped up, it's off to find another town to poke with a stick! I pick a direction, in this case right/east, and start walking. I cross a bridge onto a narrow strip of land and continue my easterly heading, until I have to start going up. At the end of this trail is a town, so let's hope there's some goodies to be found here.

No, but there are dogs apparently. This whole place is trashed to shit, and doesn't even remotely look like a town anymore, so I don't know if I can find anything useful here. A kid comes out, and bounces around before running back inside. What was that all about? The dogs don't have anything to say, so I look around for some shops. The relic shop is empty, but there's a bed in the back that it lets me use for free, which is good to know. There doesn't seem to be any other shops here, so I check out the houses. The one closest to the relic shop doesn't have anything, so it's down to the place the kid ran into. There's an elixir-less clock inside, and some stairs... at the bottom of the stairs is a room with a door. There better be some freaking treasure here, this is getting ridiculous.

Inside the door is a cave (basement cave?) and the kid jumps in my way and won't move. But then:

It's a year since the apocalypse and nobody has changed clothes yet!
Shit yeah! Hey Tina, we're getting the band back together, let's leave these little brats and get this show on the road! Hey... hey... wait! No, don't walk away! Come back! Was it Mash's B.O.? I KNEW I should have had him shower after putting that house down. Well fine then, BE that way, I'm gonna loot your house! Tina seems to be in on the cloning project, since her house is full of the same little boy and little girl. Maybe she's trying to restart the Esper race? Or something? Anyway, I finally follow after her so we can try this again. Hey bitch, pack your shit, and let's go. You got two teenagers in the other room, let them babysit the damn kids, we've got to go kill Giggles McClownpants! Well, instead we get a cut scene. Oh joy. There's an earthquake, a strobe light, and half the town breaks off and falls, and some kids drop their parents into the trench... the dog makes it though.

After that heartwarming scene, the teenagers run in, babble, and I finally notice the female teenage has a unique sprite. How odd. Anyway, bitch be chatty. They finally stop talking, and I try to get a picture.

So THAT's why Tina/Terra is so intent on protecting these kids: this is the only non-clone NPC left in the WORLD.
That's the best I got, I'll try again later, but really, not only is her hair different, her clothes are too... and considering the fact that other than Celes and Tina, ALL the women are the SAME woman, this really is noteworthy, if only for the strange factor. Anyway, since I don't seem to be welcome here, I bounce. Screw you guys, I can save the world by myself!

As it turns out, some kid runs in, babbles something, and there's some shaking outside, and Tina runs out and poses... I couldn't get it, but it was HILARIOUS, and it really sucks that you didn't get to see it. It was like, Wonder Woman posing... Then there's a battle... and she's unequipped. Damn it.

Phunbaba/Humbaba. Bastard of a thing.
What the hell is this shit?! Damn, can't there be anything PRETTY in this world? Seriously? Well, either way, it gets Vanish/Death in the freaking FACE, and I'm ready to move on with my life, especially since physical attacks don't hurt it... but then I get out of the battle and:

Oh, it's one of those 'lost the will to fight' dealies. Stan Lee Presents: 'Half-Esper Woman NO MORE!'
Whut? Ooooooooh, this is one of those annoying scripted battles that I wasn't supposed to win. Well balls to that! Time to do the same damn thing all over again... but with Celes and Mash this time. Second verse, same as the first... except this time I win for reals. Then Tina's all bedridden for some reason. You're going soft on me, girl! Where's the stabby, magic-slinging Tina that kicked SO much ass on the floating continent? Get your ass out of bed, and let's get going! Come on... We're going to pick up Locke and Setzer, eventually, don't you want to see the only two members of the party that aren't too young, too old, perverted, drunk, or some combination of the latter three? Come oooooooooooon! Come oooooooooooooooooooooooooon! Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase?

Well I'm going to assume that her turning her back means no. Bitch. Fine! STAY here with all these little booger eaters! I'll go save the world on my own! And there'll be black jack, and hookers!

'...is there something you wanted to tell me, Katarin? Or do I have to hope Maury Povich survived the end of the world so I can go get a paternity test? NOBODY WANTS TO HOPE THAT'
No, she's not a hooker, I just wanted to get a better picture of her so you could marvel in her uniqueness. Her boyfriend there is every young male in the world though. I wonder what she sees in him. Well, other peoples' love lives aside, I'm outta here. Maybe I'll find someone that isn't being a bitch. Well that was a tremendous waist of time. Let's go find something else to do. The Blackjack was destroyed, so I guess I'll just go find the hookers...

Side note: Mash can TOTALLY still use his claws while he's a kapa.

Time to head back in the other directions and go up from the bridge. Apparently there's a chocobo forest to the south of this town. Well, I know what I'm doing. Techno de Chocobo time. As I head off on my magic chocobo ride, I find a tower surrounded by mountain, but pass it by, since there doesn't seem to be any way to get in. Finally, all the way at the other end of the damn continent, I find another town. Man this better be worth it either in stuff or people. All things considered, this town seems to be in pretty good shape, so let's hope its shops are doing well. They seem to have stuff I don't have, so they're doing well enough.

I finish buying stuff, and head down to the dock to see if I can get a lift... and can't. Shit... Maybe I need to stay at the inn? Nope, no dice. Alright, the only place I haven't gone is the Pub, so... There seem to be a lot of thieves in here, so let's get to busting some heads! Or talking... whatever. Finally everyone heads down to the boat, and it's time to get this show on the road! Or... not? Well, everyone keeps saying the same thing, so I'm going back into town to find whatever it is I'm missing.

I hope she got a photo of his name. I want to see what the cunning alias of 'Gerad' looks like in Japanese.
I think I found what I was looking for. Hi Palette Swap Edgar. Can we go now? Apparently not, because he keeps running away from me... Hey Edgar look! I have the boobies! Come back! He continues to run away, and insist that he's not Edgar, but...

'What, this? No, no! It's just the latest trend among... Edgar-shaped... brigands? Gottagobye!'
I remember that damn pose! You struck it when you first met Tina, and the fact that you're posing at ALL proves that you're Figaro! Get back here! Well in any case, we follow him down to the dock, and Celes ninjas onto the boat... in plain sight. Well done. We get to our destination and...

And this is why Celes is not the party ninja.
We find that this boat apparently employs the BLIND as sailors. Good for them! Let's hear it for equal opportunity employers! That being said, I think I'm going to call it here for today. Nothing much seems to have gotten done, but at least we're on a new continent, and that'll give us access to new places! So hang in there until tomorrow, and we'll find out what Palette Swap Edgar is up to. See you then!

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