We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 24 (In which tentacles get personal with Edgar)

So we're on a new continent, I got some shopping done, and we're chasing after Palette Swap Edgar. Now that everyone's caught up, let's get this show on the road! I head out into a forest and find... more lettuce bunnies... Right. They cure me when I kill them. You read that right... their final attack is to cure their murderers... I almost feel bad. I don't have to go very far to find a cave, and after a stroll around the continent, I find that it and the town are the ONLY things here. Suck. On the amusing side though, since she's equipped with a Genji Glove, Celes is apparently using her swords as shields. Awesome. Why can't you use your claws like that Mash? You're slacking!

I head back to town to take a nap and realize... Palette Swap Edgar is still there. Oooooh... I guess I should trigger the event, huh? My bad. I head in to talk to him, and notice... he has a double bed. The ONLY double bed in the inn. Oh you... I ponder taking a picture and making a joke about Edgar getting Celes into his bed, but ultimately decide against it, and move on to trigger the event. Celes tells Edgar to stop being a d-bag, but he ignores her, and heads off with his new thief-ie friends. You know... considering the way all of my 'friends' are treating me and being bitches, I'm wondering why, exactly, I need these jack offs. Oh yeah... dungeons with multiple parties... anyway, back to the cave.

Ah, Siegfried. One day I'll figure out what the point was.
Oh look, it's our old friend Douchebag McStealmygoddamntreasure! You might remember him from the Ghost Train... or not. Either way, he stole my treasure, and I haven't forgiven him for it. He babbles and then heads inside, presumably to steal my treasure again, and I follow after his ass, because I'll be DAMNED if he gets away with that AGAIN! Not that I'm bitter or anything... I lied, I'm VERY bitter... all the treasure chests I come across are empty. Screw you D-bag...

The cave isn't very long, or at least it doesn't seem like it, because I wander into another room and see a bunch of people, including Palette Swap Edgar and D-bag, jump across a lake by bouncing on a turtle. All of the empty treasure chests around here are REALLY upsetting, I'd like to point out. Then to make matters worse, I find D-bag again, and he steals the contents of another treasure chest. Asshole!

After bouncing around some walls I finally find the exit into... Figaro Castle! Hooray! Palette Swap Edgar runs away before I can do anything about him, but I'll get him... I wander about and.. you remember that place that old guy would NEVER let me go? Well I'm there now bitch! HA! I TOLD you I'd get here eventually! It's full of monsters though... so that kinda sucks, depending on how you feel about XP. Also there's treasure, and that IS always good as far as I'm concerned.

Since we're getting pretty good XP and gold here, I wander around for a bit before finally buckling down and getting back to work:

I guess really making and using sprites for all the tentacles would bring the game to a screeching halt. ...pity? Maybe? Or maybe not.
See? Those floaty, fiery things don't look very helpful. Maybe Palette Swap Edgar will stop being a dick and we can get all face-stabby, just like old times:

'Hang on! I've got to dye my clothes back to the proper color!'
He appears to be considering this option. And then...

Hey, that explains it! While Edgar was either changing or dyeing his clothes, THAT's when all the tentacles showed up!'
So do I even need to point out the fact that Celes is worried? I mean, yeah, a year passed... but that only makes her nineteen now, and I'm pretty sure being college age still puts you in the school girl category. It's not too big of a deal though, and only Edgar has to spend quality time with the tentacles... not kidding. It grabbed him, and pulled him over and then sucked on his... health... while he was trapped. After that, there's some talking, and then the thieves leave, and Edgar joins my party again. Mash dances, and then poses, and then I go check out the next room... and find it full of empty chest. D'oh! In any case, I equip up Edgar, and then head out of the basement. Killing off the tentacles seems to have allowed the castle to rise, so I'm going to do the only logical thing and take a nap!

Side note... all the soldiers that were passed out down in the basement are fine now... and more than that, they're riding around on chocobos outside the castle. So the question then becomes... Where the HELL did they get the damn chocobos?! Clearly this is some kind of witch craft... with chocobos... Chocobo-craft... nah, that sounds like what you'd call folding chocobos into other shapes... well that or choco-gami... nah, that would sounds like chocobo death gods... which makes a lot of sense, considering that you can't really hurt them until they show up as enemies in the Ivalice setting... hmm...

I'm a little sleepy, leave me alone.

Anyway I stick Edgar in front of my party and head out to do a bit of leveling, and to head back to try to find out where I'm supposed to do. I didn't really see anything earlier, but maybe we surfaced in a new place. Nope, still nothing. This tells me that I need to take Edgar's Moving Castle somewhere... You know, I'm not sure whether or not Edgar would make a very good Howl... Anyway, back to the castle to go somewhere new! Also I apparently picked up a new magcitie while I wasn't looking. Awesome. It gives MP plus thirty percent, so I'm gonna be using that quite a bit in the near future. In any event, we're on a new continent, so we're off to see what kind of trouble we can get into!

Well to the north there's a single building, that I'm going to guess is the coliseum since there are too many soldiers and thieves for it to be an opera house. Also, our old nemesis Squidworth is here... and it's a shame he didn't die in the apocalypse. Well I don't think there's anything to do here now, and I'd rather have a full party before I got into a fight, so I'll go check out the dot on the map to the west. The first marker is a town, and the other one seems to be a mound of land that I can't do anything about... this tells me that Setzer's wonderfulness is in that town, and I'm about to get the airship back... FINALLY!!!! This walking around shit and not being able to get places is for the damn birds.

I head into town and start talking to people and... a woman draws me into battle? No, she gives me a flash back about birds flying over the place that I just couldn't give a shit about. This seems to be the town where Locke's dead girlfriend is, and the guy watching over her tells me something about Locke... you know, the fact that this old man stays there with that preserved corpse all the time... it makes me nervous. I'm just saying...

I find Setzer in the pub and he and Celes have a long chat. Come on Setzer, the power of boobies compels you! Stop harvesting your emo corn and let's get out of here! (Emo corn shucks itself because no one understands its ears.) They talk for a bit longer, and then she nods... I don't know what she agreed to, but I'm going to guess she's offering to take one for the team again. Setzer walks off, and then decides that he would TOTALLY be down for that:

'Oh, SURE! I'll just magically produce another fucking AIRSHIP out of the ground like I had a spare buried somewhere!'
Or he's flipping her off, I dunno. Either way we get a video that tells us where we're going... because we couldn't figure out that it's the only other place to go on this god forsaken continent. Side note: I now have a party full of Genji Gloves... feels good man.

We head back to the big mound, Setzer pulls a hidden switch and then talks. Everyone collapses back into one person like a Russian Nesting doll and then Setzer looks adorable:

'...oh, wait.'
You just wanna squish him. Anyway, I head into the tomb to get this dungeon crawl under way. The tomb seems to be infested with undead, Marlboros and flowers... Setzer, I don't think this tomb was very intelligently designed, and I worry about what happened to your late sweetheart... I'm just saying... I hope we don't have to fight her reanimated corpse, because that's gonna kinda suck for you. Speaking of things sucking, I just realized... I have to do the tombstone puzzle... in Japanese. Crap... What was the order of this shit again? I don't know if I mentioned it, but I'm a HORRIBLE artist, I mean, i can't draw my way out of a wet paper bag, and if you don't believe me, go check out my DA page. The point I'm trying to get to though is I should NEVER have to DRAW a pictographic alphabet. Seriously... it's bad. Now let's see if I remembered the order right, and don't carve something freaking heinous on Daryl's tombstone. I guess I did it right? Though there's something I never noticed before...

I never spotted that either! Creepy.
There's a skeleton on that shelf. Seriously, look! It's also WAY bigger than the sprites, so... Daryl was a giiiiiiiaaaaaaaant! On a completely different note, have I mentioned how I'm getting around this tomb?

I wonder if Edgar and Setzer bought their puzzle-turtles from the same pet store?
Sea turtles mate... but I'm SO not using human hair from anyone's back, just to clear that up. Anyway, I head to a new room and loot it, and find this in a treasure chest:

Man, and I thought Whelk was ugly.
You give me that damn treasure chest, you dirty whore! I managed to kill its face off and got not one but TWO treasures for it. Rocksauce. They seem to be claws for Mash that took him up from and attack of like 288 to 428, so that's like... sexy. I head into a new door and up some stairs to... the tomb proper I guess? Maybe that other skeleton WASN'T Daryl... Still there seem to be more giant skeletons here.

I guess Darill's not the only person buried here? Her airship presumably had a crew...
Do they just buy them from surplus Halloween decoration stores? Because otherwise people are out poaching the panties giants to decorate the tombs of loved ones and that's kinda... disturbing. Maybe's it's an Egyptian-esque thing and the skeletons are supposed to rise and fight off intruders? I dunno, but that might explain all the undead... less so with the Marlboros and flowers, but you know... I've run out of steam here. Anyway, I guess I should talk to the purple pillar and see what happens. My answer is adorable confusion and then:

RAWR I AM A HORRIBLE UNDEAD MONST- *vanishes* *is X-Zoned*
It looks scary, but I'm starting to think that I'm so over-leveled and over... statted, I guess, that I'm totally making this game my bitch. I mean, I only had to spend like two rounds healing and with mostly only Edgar and Mash attack, I murdered this thing's face off. I don't even think I needed to waste those rounds putting on those buffs I used. Anyway, for beating him, we open a secret door and... Get a long line of stairs and talkie bits. Oh! We also get cut scenes in the background! Cute!

Here lies Darill, the only woman in the world allowed to wear real pants. (Or maybe those are bare legs; they look pantsish from here.)
Setzer apparently has a taste for blondes... which works out for him since the only non-blonde woman in the ENTIRE WORLD is Tina. Also we now know that Daryl isn't a giant... somehow that makes me sad. Anyway, we're also treated to a view of the overworld map for the Land of Balance one last time for nostalgia sake, and then we see Setzer racing Daryl in their airships. Also, Setzer seems to be wearing the posing pants today:

'I learned THIS one from some guy in a pet shop!'
FYI: that's also his ready to attack pose. Daryl doesn't seem to be as much of a cut up though, and it's kinda boring... Right up until she hits the nitros, apparently and leaves his ass in the dust... And then he stands on a cliff and looks sad? Well kiddies, apparently the moral of the story is speed kills... but we get a freaking AWESOME airship out of it.... which we then fly... underground and... underwater... My head hurts.

A bird then flies up and... we watch it fly away, at which point Celes... I dunno, freaks out about it? I imagine the conversation when something like this:

Celes: Omg it's a bird! It's a BIRD! Setzer! FOLLOW THE BIRD!!!!
Setzer: ... Um... Whatever you say hot, crazy lady...

So we follow the bird, and it leads us to... Next weekend's post! Holy shit, the bird is a freaking TIME LORD!!!!!

Not really, I'm just calling it here. I'll meet you guys back here Saturday and we'll find out whether the bird did something constructive, or if it just showed up to shit on the only functional vehicle left in the world. Until then remember, panties giants guard the dead. Have a good week!

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