We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 33 (In which it's the beginning of the end... and I'm old)

Alright guys, this is our last weekend together. This is the weekend where I head into Kefka's Tower and start the face punching of god-killing. Or something. On a side note, completely unrelated to the game, today is my birthday. I remember when that was a good thing, and something to look forward to... and now I hate the reminder that I'm old, and wonder where the time went... because I'm older than I've ever been, and now I'm even older, and now I'm even older, and now I'm even older, I'm older than I've ever been and now I'm even older, and now I'm older still.

In case you guys hadn't noticed yet, I'm an asshole, which was the entire reason I submitted you to the previous paragraph. Won't you be glad when this is over and I crawl back into obscurity? And now on with the show!

Alright, my final parties are as follows: Party 1: Celes, Cyan, Mog and Gau. Everyone but Cyan has a Magic of 60 in case I need back up casters, and with Strength going in descending order from Cyan's 65 down to Mog's 45, we've got a number of bruisers in party. Also haveing Mog set up as a Dragoon guarantees a character in the air that is missed by most attacks. I love Dragoons... and I blame Final Fantasy IX for it.

Anyway, Party 2 is Tina, Setzer, Edgar and Sabin. Tina AND Mash's Magic are sitting at 70, which makes her an amazing caster, and powers up his Blitzes ridiculously, should I use them. Strength goes from Sabin's 75 down to Tina and Setzer's 55, but with Setzer's Fixed Dice and the Illumina's random chance to cast Holy, I'm sitting goddamn pretty, especially with Edgar's Holy Lance which shared the random Holy casting. Edgar's also set up as a Dragoon, so I've got that character guaranteed to be missed by most attacks.

Party 3 is my leftover party, but not really in a BAD way. Relm, Shadow, Locke and Strago inhabit this party, and with Relm's 75 in Magic, I'm not TOO worried. Locke and Shadow are both sitting at a 60 in Strength and Strago's 55 in Magic doesn't make him COMPLETELY useless... I guess... Side note: I have Relm set up for magic use rather than Control, which means I'll have the Soul of Thamasa and the Economizer on her (Side note's side note: Brachiosaurs drop Economizers. Got it memorized? What? Sometimes I'm Axel, shut up).

Now to REALLY get on with the show! Party 1 heads into the dungeon! Since I've already gone this far before with the Moogle Raid, it's not a big deal to get through. the only thing of note are the monsters, which include a lot of palette swaps, that I'm mowing through like a migrant worker through a field of wheat. These guys are kind of annoying through:

I forgot those were called Dark Force. Hell of a step down from his Phantasy Star gig as Omnipotent Avatar of Evil.
They cast a lot of spells, but Cyan's really the only one that takes much damage, since they keep using a water-element attack spell, which Gau and Mog's Snow Muffler absorb and Cele's Minerva negates.

Behemoth or be he bird, he's the purtiest frog I ever heard.
Here we have a new kind of behemoth that doesn't phase me with my current deathness, as well as a new Marlboro that... apparently one of Celes' weapons heals? I dunno what's up with that, but then, I don't know what's on her so... yeah. I'll just have her heal while that's going on.

...you know, that COULD be a special suit of powered armor designed for Voltorbs or Electrodes.
These assholes? These assholes here cast Self Destruct. If you've read my Pokemon Green Flailthrough, you know how I feel about that particular move. If you haven't, let me sum it up... I BLEEDING HATE IT!!!!! In any case, I reach a dead end with a switch on the other side of the divide which, if the Phoenix Cave has taught me anything, means that it's time to switch parties. Party 2, you're up!


No casting of Meteor here, thankfully.
DUDE! TWO Brachiosaurs?! What the HELL?! I might be kinda worried if they're as powerful as their Dinosaur Forest cousins. Um... no, no they're not... and I pretty much killed them in one round. Awesome? This path seems to take me into the Imperial prison and... the toilets don't work anymore. I'm not sure if that makes me sad or not...

Meet Atma, AKA Ultima Buster, AKA Pallette Swap Boss Number 762-B.
Hey... that guy looks kinda familiar... Also, I love how I can just WALK into the jail cells, because none of them are locked... I also love that this guy won't attack me until I TALK to it... so if the toilets were working, I could TOTALLY go take a dump in the same room with it, and it would just SIT there. That's kinda funny in a really gross way. So anyway:

And after the awesome Fierce Battle theme (seriously, YouTube it) and a lot of Japanese exposition... he is promptly Diced by Setzer.
He's more of a palette swap of the first guy I fought on the Floating Continent (Island?), but he's just as mouthy. Then he glows. That... isn't very promising. Or maybe I overestimated the danger, since three rounds in, and he's dead. I love you, Setzer. Tina strikes a pose at the end of battle, but with the wall in the way, you can't really see it. Either way, the corpse turns into a Save Point, so vogue. I finish healing and saving and head out a door...

I have to go now. My home planet needs me.
and then plummet. Hooray? Sorry I couldn't catch her freaking out, so you'll just have to deal with with the Poochie pose. In this room I fight...

Now I'm picturing Robin Williams trying to play Kefka, and I wish I wasn't.
Bouncy balls? Wait, what? This, THIS is the best Kefka can do?! What is this, the movie Toys? Is he going to throw pointless, ultimately harmless, toys at me until I collapse under the weight of the stupidity of it all? What the HELL! Come on Giggles McClownypants, we all KNOW you're bat shit fuck insane, but this is just TOO much!

As it turns out, there's a palette swap of Phunbaba... Humbaba... Bibbidi bobbidi boo... whatever the hell it's called, but it's so completely unimpressive in every respect that it's not worth a picture. The next room is totally tubular... No it didn't just get all 80's up in here, it's literally a room full of tubes... like the interwebs.

You remember those little red dragons from the picture with the behemoth and the Marlboro? Apparently when they show up on their own, there's four of them, and they're... stacked on top of each other. What? They're not dangerous, since I'm murdering everything forever, it's just freaking weird. I nip into a side room and hit the switch for Party 1 and then head back out to check out new destinations. You know, I know I was the one that came in here and raided the place, but all of the empty treasure chests are getting a bit depressing. The next area is where the Gold Dragon WAS, so I just skip on through it and ignore it. I eventually dead end in a room with a switch, so I park Tina on it, and go to check out what that last switch opened.

Ah, that's the Fallen One attack- be prepared for Kefka's final form to spam the fuck out of it.
This guy looks potentially troublesome. And to prove it, he sends flights of angels to reduce my HP to 1. Douchebag. I still manage to take him down in the first round, which is awesome. After the room full of those, I reach another dead end. Damn it. Time to pass the baton... Tina and her group can't do anything right now either, so it's on to Relm!

You know, Party 3 isn't doing that great... maybe I shoulda stuck Strago somewhere else and put a different person in this group... Well, I mean they're not STRUGGLING, they're just, you know... not killing absolutely everything in one round. This is likely because I forgot to stick the Economizer and the Soul of Thamasa on Relm. Oops. Fixed!

Because the gold chrome robots are always hideously expensive Japanese contest prizes, that's why. Not that I'm speaking from bitter experience as a toy collector or anything... -Ed.
Why couldn't I get the nice shiny gold magitek, huh?! Was that just too much to ask to have something SHINY?! WAS IT?! Assholes! Anyway, I save at the Save Point I FINALLY reach, and then head on. As I walk along THIS thing jumps on me:

I may have mentioned before that there's a line in the first issue of The Tick: 'I hate ninjas. They're everywhere.'
Dude, what the hell?! Freaking ninja monsters. It turns out to be a palette swap of that horrible purple thing I fought way back in the day as I escaped the Magitek Facility.

That comic came out in NINETEEN EIGHTY FOUR.
It's ugly, and if it's anything like the last one, then I have to kill the butt spike first. Oh joy. It takes a bit longer than I'd like, because the damn thing is immune to Vanish, but I pummel it into submission. In the new area I circle around like a million times before I figure out the switch I need is in a sparkling treasure chest. Yeah, you'd think that woudl be obvious... shut up. The switch clears the path for the other team, and then I continue on through the nearby door. At the end of this hall, I find:

Decades later, Ninjas are still everywhere. Just like dragons!
AH HA! Finally! That should be the very last of these bastards, thank GOD! Time to get my ass kicking on!

If this were Castlevania, a green pallete swap skeleton might well blast you with a Kamehameha.
Ooooh, it's one of those... hmm... let's see if Vanish/Death works on it. I don't know if it's actually undead, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, right? It DOES work! And I get a THING! Hooray! It turns out to be a Magicite which should be the last one... and if you think I'm going to dedicatedly magic grind at this point, you're high. On with the flail! I end up in the same hall as Tina and stand on the opposite switch, which opens the door. Time to move back to Celes. With the steps clear, I start heading up them to see where it takes me. I end up in another room with a bunch of switches and... have no idea what to do. There are three switches, and standing on one does nothing so I head over to stand on another one, but... the path closes behind me... Um... On that note, I'm gonna call it here, and catch back up with you tomorrow. See you then for the exciting conclusion of this flail!

I make no promises about it being exciting.


  1. Dude!! That palette swap of phunbaba...If you steal from him, you can get a thunder shield. Steal it with Locke while he's equipped by sneak ring or thief gloves. Once you get the thunder shield trade it in the colosseum for a Genji Shield!. Marloboro is immune to many elements including Holy/Pearl. Use Fire!!! but beware of his Demon Kiss!!

  2. I was thinking it was probably a Holy-element weapon messing things up, yeah. Good catch! And fortunately, she's stocked up on Genji Shields- I helped her sift through the item lists at the colosseum myself. :D