We don't always like being nonplussed

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 34 (This is the end... my only friend, the end)

Alright time to find out what the hell is going on. If you remember from my last post, Celes walked to the left and the path closed behind her, so now it's time to see where this path takes me. There's a switch above, so I'm gonna go stand on it. Nothing continues to happen. I head down and exit to another room:

Silly Kefka. Everybody knows that 1- or 10- ton weights are Cartoon Standard denominations!
So I... get to drop a weight on Tina's head? Awe...some?
Actually I have to switch parties and move off the switch. I go ahead and move Relm while I'm at it. This somehow makes a path on the stairway open... hey, don't ask me. I take Tina up and repeat the same process with her on the right side, and then bring Relm and crew up. So... now I guess that I bring everyone else in and stand on all the tiles? Hooray! It seems to opened a path for at least Relm's party, or rather two paths, since I can go back now, and there was a tile back that way somewhere. Time to check it out. Hooray, it makes doors appear. Alright, now to head up the other path.

Robot Parade, Robot Parade, wave the flag that the robots made.
Well, this huge thing rushes me and then I'm drawn into a battle with it:

But apparently the stupid capture device DIDN'T take the picture even thought it said it did... sorry.

Oh great, another giant machine... crap, that looks like the damn thing that wouldn't let me get back into the... one place... that I can't remember... Magitek Facility? Whatevs. I just hope I can actually HURT this thing. Well I CAN hurt it, but it's taken several rounds of Locke hitting for nearly max damage, and Relm double casting Ultima. Yipe?

I finally beat the thing, and I'm rewarded with a Save Point. Hooray! I save and rest and move on. I get into a new area and there's a statue there that I didn't notice until I ran into it. Ooooh boy.

...I don't think there's a TMBG song about birdlobster monstrosities. Though I don't have ALL the albums, so...
Um... crap? It took a long time, but I DID manage to kill it without losing anyone. Also, it's immune to Vanish, I just thought I should share that. Also, it's nice to kill something THAT freaking ugly.

The next room has a Save Point, and hole, so after saving, much like toilet paper, I go down da hoooooole... and land near a tile. Gee, what am I supposed to fo here? I switch to Celes.

But at least I can reference The Statue Got Me High here!
Ah ha, this one isn't camouflaged by garbage! Hooray!

'I have met the UGLIEST DAMN THINGS since hanging out with you guys, kupo.'
WOOF! That thing is uuuuugly! Now that I have a more powerful party, I'm hoping that I can beat the damn thing in the face easier. HAHAHAHAHA! It used Blizzaga! That means it HEALED Gau and Mog, did nothing to Celes, and only did a LITTLE damage to Cyan. Take it, bitch! It... does something that makes EVERYTHING miss it, and that's more than a LITTLE annoying. Let's see if magic hits it. Um... actually Mog's Jump hit it, and with the Dragon Horn on, he hit it twice for max damage and killed it. Awesome sauce. After that, we head through a tube and then go stand on a tile. Good times. To Tina!

If I'm going to be destroyed by some kind of malevolent magic deity anyway, I'd prefer the naked lady, thanks.
As you can see, Miss Naked Lady gets her own damn red carpeted room. Well isn't SHE so damn special? No wonder the other two were fighting with her. Prima Donna bitch...

...yeah, you probably could've. I'm not touching that one. -Ed.
Whose... head is she standing on? Is that... is that Emperor Palamecia? What the shit? Also, she's not ENTIRELY naked, but that's still not dressed. My only consolation is that she, like Lakshmi, is over age. Thank you for that small mercy, Japan. She actually goes down pretty easily... and now that I think about that, I could have worded that better. Still, the point is, I kick her ass.

I head up to another button room and once everyone's standing on one, we get... beamed up? Everyone unstacks, and we get a rather pretty landscape out of it:

Bob Ross would have a field day painting this, except that if there are any trees around they are DEFINITELY not happy.
Sure, it looks like the sky is burning, and there are horrible mountains in front of it, but when you take it from the view point of EVERYTHING MUST BURN MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! It's really pretty.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a bit odd.

Kefka: so badass he hollowed out Pyramid Head and made himself a tent.
Kefka thinks I'm funny though. Nice pyramid bro... now come out here so I can kill you... with love. And then Kefka starts snatching people up and making them flyyyyyyyy. Good times...

It's time for our speech about how we will defeat you with the power of love and friendship and sunshine and kittens and rainbows and crap!
He throws them back down to the ground and then Cyan steps up and runs his mouth. Can we just fight him now? He pulls a Xemnas and turns his back on the party and starts talking to the sky. Dude, if he says anything about 'Kingdom Hearts' I'm fucking out of here... Tina... SOMEHOW manages to walk up and run her mouth, and then gets picked up and flung around. That's what you get for opening your bitch ass mouth, ho. She jumps down with the other party after accomplishing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Right, are we done posturing now? I want to listen to Dancing Mad.

He nukes the world again... I guess just to piss us off, and then:

That... looks uncomfortable.
He taunts us from a taunt of a mountain ON FIRE!!! I love how he keeps setting STONE on FIRE, that's just a neat ability right there... and then Tina rides a mountain up, which pisses him off. Dude... I want to be able to randomly generate mountains, that would be AWESOME! Locke rides one up too?

Somebody needs a lot of Red Mana for something.
Well now that just doesn't make any sense. What'd he do? STEAL a freaking mountain from the earth?

Alright, that'd be kinda awesome.

Anwyay. Kefka nukes the world again, and then we're back down off the mountains and in our previous positions. What? Finally, FINALLY I get to make a list of characters and then we get into battle!

Dancing Mad has four movements. This is the slow one with the heavy breathing in the background.
Someone looks an awful lot like Chaos... he goes down pretty damn easily, so we're on to the next level!

This is the fast one with the choral-sounding SFX.
... What? So... he's got a bunch of random people sticking out of his body, or something? Is he Envy now? I like the headless woman in the bikini thing, that's a nice touch... damn it Japan. It's harder than the last level of course, but I make it out alright.

This is the one where you realize that everybody rips off J.S. Bach sooner or later- which is my favorite, incidentally.
Why's the Virgin Mother hovering over him? Is he... is he evil Jesus? Or, you know... the anti-Christ? I think I like Evil Jesus better, because anti-Christ would just be the opposite of Jesus... so a mason that sinks in water and turns wine into water. I finally have a person go down (it's Celes, since her defense is sub-par with the Genji Glove on her) but Reraise has her up again and we get to:

This is the one where we add a solid beat and a bass guitar to Kefka's theme.
He runs his mouth some more, and then laughs at us and we get down to face-beating... I... I took him down... I took him down in TWO ROUNDS! Not even a FULL two rounds at that! That was... that was pretty sad... Well... now onto what I've been told is the longest ending in Final Fantasy history! Blarg.

Since we're almost to the end, I'd like to say: Square-Enix, HURRY THE FUCK UP WITH FINAL FANTASY VI THE AFTER YEARS.
I don't know what's going on, but Tina went esper all up ins... This ending would probably mean more to me if I knew what was going on. I'm not gonna try to describe this whole thing, but I'll meet you back here after the ending.

Well... the highlights of the ending seem to be Umaro showing us the dance of his people (it involves breaking down walls), Edgar nearly rips Mog's pompom off, Gau throws Celes off a mountain, and then sleds down after her, leaving Edgar's ass to rot, Shadow... Shadow apparently goes and sits in a corner to wait to die, and then... unique sprite girl tries to have her baby with HUNDREDS OF TODDLERS WATCHING! What the FUCK! Congratulations, you've managed to scar EVERYONE in the room FOR LIFE! Oh, there's also a massive face plant:

It writes itself! At the end of the game all magic disappears- so obviously it suddenly REAPPEARS and we have to figure out why. Get the hell to WORK.
Good times. And then Tina walks up to the bow of the airship, pulls out her hair tie, and strikes her determined pose with the window blowing in her hair as doves flew by. I didn't get a picture, but it was the Cheesiest. Thing. EVER!

Good news: hope is returned, poeple are rebuilding, babies are being born. Bad news: no more magic. AT ALL. NONE. I don't know if that means the monsters will lose it too, but probably not, because that would be FAIR.

Well kiddies, this concludes my Flailthrough of Final Fantasy VI. I hope you don't see me again for a long time, but I'm not holding my breath. Knowing my luck, I'll be right back here when it comes time to play Final Fantasy V, which I know absolutely NOTHING about, and have never played before. Feel my joy. Or I'll get stuck playing some Pokemon game again. Either way, I'll see you guys then. Until that time approaches, dear readers, please remember...



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