We don't always like being nonplussed

Monday, July 11, 2011

Flailing Through Dragon Quest VI, or 6, I can't remember anymore... oh yeah, and it's day 3!

So we begin our new week with a fair amount of power leveling, and money grinding. I've got to admit, the monsters around this town look pretty damn freaky, including one that... well, I'm not sure.

See those first three katakana? That reads 'Shi-RuDo.' Yep, 'shield.' Sorry, still in Blathering about Kana mode from yesterday... -Ed.
It looks like some sort of decapitated duck/kitty shield wielding goblins... or maybe that's their face on the shield, and the body is a decoy? This one took a little bit of thought, but I'm doing to call it a Duckler, which is a combo of Duck and Buckler, which is a shield I assure you.
If the shield that looks like a decapitated Duck Tales antagonist isn't enough, I find that's I'm soon fighting...

That... THING is named Tentsuku- in Katakana, which is usually reserved for foreign loanwords and made-up names. Must be the latter because I've tried every permutation of the name I can think of and had no matches.A labia-faced monsters of some form, which are only slightly less freaky than... no, I take it back. I haven't run into anything so far that is nearly as fucked up as these guys. I have to be honest, I'm not entirely sure what to call this one without it sounding even less NSFW than it already does, but I'm going to have to go with [CENSORED] because it's face really does look just like a [CENSORED] with a [CENSORED] that's been [CENSORED][CENSORED] tapioca [CENSORED] last Tuesday.

Yes, there were real words I was going to put there, and no I am not going to post them. Why? Because I don't want to be mother fucking offensive, that's fucking why.

Anyway, it's after a few more levels that I run into these fine fellows right here:

The anemone of my enemy is my friend. (Apologies to 'Pearls Before Swine' creator Stephan Pastis)Which seem to be sea anemones growing out of the ass of a rather startled caterpillar. I can't help but feel that I would be startled too, if I were them. I guess given their combination of horrible mutations, I'm going to have to call them Abominations, or possibly The Antichrist, for formal events. Mostly though, I'm going to call them Anemobutt. It's not that inventive, but I just want to stop thinking about these things and move on.

A huge pile of levels later, namely about 5, I find myself with enough cash to talk to some of the merchants in town. I say talk to them, because this person right here:

Look at all these merchants! How very bazaar.
Pretty much only gives me a yes/no option when I speak with him. When I agree to whatever it is he has to say, and find that he may have just given me gold/chicken feet. This gentleman on the other hand:

Not sure, but it cost you 330 chicken feet.

Gave me an item I can equip, and I don't know what it is. It could be gold armor, it could be a hat made out of manure... either way, I'm going to equip it.

Also worth note is the fellow above him who sells what turns out to be the world map, and for only 3K feet! Yeah, I didn't want to buy it either, so I said no, and then again when he offered it to me for 2k, then 1k, and so forth down to 200, which I took. After him, I go around the rest of the little festival area to see that most people are selling items for various amounts, and I buy them all because why not? Now that I've wasted my hard-earned cash, it's time to find the next plot point.

While I haven't found a plot point yet, I did find what looks quite a lot like a dungeon in the upper left corner of town, until I headed in and found it to be, and quite handily, a bank. This I like, since it probably means I'll lose cash if I die, but at the moment I kind of need the money I have, so I leave it for another day.
That always looked like a PROC uniform to me. Why trust communists with your capital?
Goodbye, creepy dungeon fetishist banker man, may your days be filled with... not me being here.

Since there's a grand total of not a damn thing else in this town, I head out and to the south toward what looks like a castle, or possibly a marmoset that's addicted to speed. You never can tell, with marmosets.

'Goddamn Wizard! Nobody pays my mortgage, not nobody, not no how!'

It's a castle, or maybe a walled city, and the little guy in green doesn't seem to want to let me in. I think he's just pissed because the Wizard of Oz has been having a lot of layoffs, and he got his walking papers a few weeks from retirement. One can hardly blame him, having given years of service in a silly hat like that. He has no dignity, and never did have any.

Lots of fighting in the area as I move from border gate to border gate, finding this place actually has pretty good guards at every mountain pass that keep me from getting through, which sucks, yet impresses me. As I'm searching I come across...

'What's that, Frank? You want me to kill adventurers? But I was gonna do that anyway!'
An Aardvark clutching a human skull? I think the freakiest aspect of that picture is that he's staring at the skull like he's waiting for it to give him orders, or is perhaps expecting the punchline of a joke that the person died midway through telling, and the ant eater is just too damn determined to hear the ending to give up. Given that, I'm going to call him... Manteater, because Psychorycteropodidae doesn't really roll off of the tongue quite as well.

After wandering a bit more, and taking the bridge directly next to the town I was in instead of wandering around aimlessly. I quickly start wondering what the fuck is wrong with this world, because...

Holy planet, Blue-haired Teen Gohan!
There's a giant hole through the damn ground that leads to another world. I remember all the way back to a few days ago when the game started, and we were on the cliff way above the cloud lines. My question now is are we inside the world, on the outside, or in the air? I don't know anymore...
Dude, it's a fantasy game! 'midget viking' is pronounced DWARF.BUT THAT MIDGET VIKING NEEDS HELP, DAMN IT!

I quickly rush to help him, and pull him back up onto the world above! As I do my victory dance, or rather as I'm thrown over the edge by the dwarf that I've just saved, I start to question my life choices, and remember the advice my dear old mother told me when I was just a boy. Never EVER trust a viking. It's only now that I'm a ghost that I realize how right she was.

Maybe you just fell through a sack of flour. Check for Abbott and Costello- if they freak out and run you just need a bath.I think I'm a ghost... I'm certainly whiter than I used to be, but then again I could just be Michel Jackson. I go to the nearest town to get some haunting or possibly singing done, and I still can't find any answers to my question.

Speechless? Must be a fan.That's how I would react to Micheal Jackson, or a ghost, so I'm left just as confused as ever. I wander around the town and talk to everyone I can, when I quickly find that the inn keeper is still willing to let me spend the night, even though she can't see me, and the priest is still willing to let me save, even though I'm probably an evil spirit.

In my wanderings, I walk into one house and learn that I am actually a ghost. How did I come to this conclusion?

The Japanese sound effect for dogs barking is 'Wan.'
Dogs feared Michel Jackson, while this one ran at me to bark. Other than that, I find nothing, and so I begin wandering around outside of town. I do run into an old friend, though.

The original, the five and only: Slime! Except no oversized, spotted imitations!
Ahh, slimes. No matter how strange things get, they're there to remind me that some things never change... and to try to kill me. They're there for that as well.

Farther to the north from the town, I find a run down little cabin that's probably something plot related, since it looks like a haunted house, and the only thing inside of it that's really worth noting is the well. Yes, I know in old houses there would be a well, because that's how you get water, but this one is just... intrusive.

Wells do not, as a rule, glow.
Look at it, just sitting there. I can get that the floor has rotted away, or sand has blown in. I can't quite understand the haystacks, unless that's the bedding... but the fence around the well leaves me a bit perplexed, to be honest. Either way, I bet I can jump down that well, so I'm gonna try.

Where are we? Is this feudal Japan? Can we find Inuyasha and tell him to hurry up and kill Kikyo's zombie bitch ass?

Umm, I don't really know what just happened, but I can't tell what world I'm in anymore... no, wait, I'm on the upper world again... or the sky world... Hell, I don't know what world I'm on anymore, but I'm not a ghost here, and that's what's important.

And I'm sorry dear readers, but that is where I'm going to call it for the day. I feel the waves of sleepiness crashing against my hypothalamus, and that means it's time to eat something stupid. Keep flailing, and I'll be with you again tomorrow.

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