We don't always like being nonplussed

Monday, August 22, 2011


[Foreword: Thanks to some douche rocket in Taiwan, That Guy's Google account has been locked down, so he can't post this under his own. Until we get all that mess sorted out, we'll be posting these under my account, though I assure you it's still him writing and not me. Sorry for the confusion.]

After a long weekend of helping a friend clean out his basement, we're back and smell vaguely of cat pee. I didn't have a time to do anything over the weekend, which would have been the best place for power leveling, but friends is friends, and you help where you can.

I did at least spend a good amount of time wandering around the map, and so I've found somewhere that looks like a good starting point for our magical mystery tour of insanity.

That looks promising.
Ok, in reality I was teleporting around randomly, hoping to find where I go next, and saw this cave from outside of the castle where we met George. It still counts, though!

I love this part of JRPGs. Seriously, I do. -Ed.
I'm not supposed to be here! I am NOT supposed to be here! Run away! Run away fast!

Well that was a disaster on the level of a reset switch flip. I guess I'm supposed to go there later in the game, when I'm not as prone to dying embarrassing deaths. Hopefully soon, but I doubt it. I don't know where else to go, though! I think I've been most places I can go, since there's these damn rocks that are basically acting like a wall between me and the rest of the world... Hmm...

If you can't get over it...
You son of a bitch, do I really need to do what I think I do?

...get under it!
Alright, so it looks like I can go under water and totally bypass the rocks... You know, that just confuses me. Are the rocks floating? Are they even rocks, and not just a school of really, really stupid dolphins [Ed note: A group of dolphins is a pod]? I don't have a damn clue, but at least we can look around in new places!

Ok, I guess I'll start by checking things out underwater, since it's our newest toy, and probably takes us where we need to go. Hooray, adventure!

But the water pressure would kill people... is this like the way into Cthulhu's rec room, or something?
Huh... You know, I'm not even sure what to say about the stairs in the middle of the ocean, but it sure does look important, in a slightly demented sort of way. I guess we'll give it a look and see if it's any more nuts on the inside.

I'm sticking with the rec room guess.
I... WHAT!? We went from the ocean floor, to mountain top, which is set against a waterfall background? I think this game was directed by Terry Gilliam, because it has stopped making sense... But is still quite enjoyable, I admit.

Ok, this place is some sort of under water cavern, and at the bottom of the screen I enter a door to my right, ignoring the red carpet I catch a glimpse off to my right, since that tends to mean King/Boss/Plot... And I'm quite glad I did!

I forget what those floors are called, but they do fairly substantial damage per step.
Aside from asking how there's (what seems to be) lava in a cave where the air is likely water, and the fact that I can walk on said lava, the real important bits in this room are the chests. The chests full of lots of nice armor that fits on Gogo and Elf... Or is it weapons? Shit, I don't know, but numbers went up, and that's a good thing. Now we'll go see who the boss or ruler is, and decide if we need to kill (for) them.

Guarding, or waiting a small eternity to ransack?
But first, look at this guy right here. He is some sort of guard, and he is guarding the (royal, I guess) treasury. I just opened the large metal doors that were blocking it off, and waltzed right into the lava trap to rob them...

Wait, I walked right through the metal doors!? When the hell did I get that ability? There are so many doors like that I've passed over, and now I can open them! HOW LONG HAVE I HAD THIS POWER!? WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME... oh right, it's in Japanese. Moving on.

'It's remote, and lonely, but by God I'm the KING of Nowhere!'
Now, I'm not sure if this is the best or worst place to have a throne room. On one hand, the waterfall noise would eventually make you snap and kill everyone around you, including rocks. But on the plus side, you could totally go swimming whenever you like.

How much for a private room? ...one boat trip back to the surface? Seems reasonable.
Though privacy does seem to be at a premium. And this is the only bedroom here, so I expect there to be a revolution in this kingdom, soon. Also, he has the only woman. Then again, there's a good chance we're going to have to kill him, so maybe we'll be the new king?

Wait... One important person in the kingdom? One female? Random other ineffectual characters that all fade into the background? THE KING IS SPONGEBOB!

Who lives in a monarchy under the sea?
Spongebob Kingpants!
Ancient and noble and bearded is he!
Spongebob Kingpants!

If revolution is something you wish!
Spongebob Kingpants!
Then off with your head, you'll flop like a fish!

Spongebob Kingpants!
Spongebob Kingpants!
Spongebob Kingpants!

I'm back now, and I promise I'm fine.

I speak with the king for a moment or two, and he probably just gave me a quest, since he spoke to me for more than a minute. I guess I know where I'm going next!... No, wait, I don't. I have no idea, and I'm going to have to wander aimlessly in and out of dungeons hoping one of them turns out to be the right one.

I'll be back with more of my wanderings tomorrow, and hopefully I'll have found the right place, or a wrong place that's amusing. Either one.

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