We don't always like being nonplussed

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Dragon Quest VI/6 - Day 45 (I used to want a sword, but now I only want the chamber pot gone...)

And here we are again, it's always such a pleasure. Remember how I'm always fucking wrong? Oh how we laughed and laughed, except that I was raging. Under the circumstances I can't say that I've regrets.

Sorry, just finally got to finish Portal 2, and now that song is stuck in my head... forever. Where we last left off, we had finished searching the town, and now I guess we move on to the castle to look around... assuming that there is, of course, a castle.

Just keeping things moving until our blacksmith is done smithing, folks.
There is a castle, and as with any castle in the world, the second we walk up to the door they open it to let us in. I always love how royalty doesn't sweat the small stuff, like attempted assassination. I'll make sure not to to let them down in that department... unless, of course, I'd really like to shoot someone in the face-meats.

Right off the bat I think we're running into important people.

Sometimes they throw you an unimportant Yes/No question just to fuck with you.
This type 2 fat guy in red asks us a question, which might very well be important, and we say yes because as always it's good to be an optimist, until we find out it was the wrong thing to do, at which point we reset and say no... Unless it's been a really long time since we saved, in which case we roll with it.

We speak with him, then wander off down to the basement. It looks like any old prison cell, except that there's a monster lurking in the crap bucket!

So THAT's why all the prisoners died of constipation!
A monster which I do not suggest using spells on, because I'm pretty sure they all backfire horribly when you do, and it damages you... because this is Soviet Russia. I don't find much else down here, because I'm a bit nervous to search the other cell.

In Soviet Russia, wouldn't the spell cast you?
There's something in my nature that tells me, "Hey, don't let that criminal out of his cell. What if he's a murderer, or a rapist, or a Fox News reporter?" And that's a voice that I have to listen to, because those are all horrible things to be, when you get down to it.

Ok, I opened the door. Worth it, though, since there was a tiny medal in his chamber pot.

On the other side of the dungeon there's another old man laying in bed, and as I walk up and attempt to talk to him, I find that the odd-looking tile on the floor is actually hiding hidden stairs! This could be what we're looking for!

Always take the one-way trips last.
You know what? I'll come back to this later. Something about big scary pits in the ground just rustles my jimmies, and I can't explain why, other than the fear of falling to my untimely death... Come to think of it, I think that's it right there.

Alright, now we head upstairs to see the king! If there's a damn quest anywhere in this castle, it'll be the king!

He doesn't even rate a name, but mentions something or some one called Gandino.
It does look a little bit questy to me, but then I might be seeing the text through quest-colored glasses. I speak with him for a while and he asks us a question, for which our default is yes. He seems to be upset, or at least I'm guessing that by the number of ellipsis that appeared in what he was saying. After we're done listening to the old fart babble, I head to the door behind his throne to take a look around. There are two stairs, one going up and one even longer going down. And one more leading nowhere, just for show...

God damn it, I really need to stop breaking into old musicals. It really hurts any argument I make about being straight. [AD note: It does...] I know not all gay people love musicals, I'm sorry I made the comment, let's move on.

But Mel Brooks said so in The Producers! How can you argue with Mel Brooks!?
To one of the biggest damn beds that I've seen since this game started. I mean shit, look at that thing! He doesn't even have a wife that I've seen, he just has a bed that could hold at least 8 kids, 4 hound dogs, and the pick that he stole from the shed. You wouldn't get much sleep, but you'd have a lot of fun on the King's feather bed...

Shit, I'm trying to turn EVERYTHING into music... God damn it, that means that I'm getting a cold. Don't ask me why, but it's something everyone in my family does, and it's our early warning system... Crap.

Also, I know this update is sucking so far, and I'm sorry about that. I know I'm going to have to go to that shrine thing, soon, and I want to save that for the Friday update since I think it'll end up making a really interesting video. As a result, this review is kind of suffering for it. I promise that once I have this sort of thing down, I'll be much better at this.

Now, what else can we find around the castle?

Oh shit!

Good thing they HAVE separate beds... if they ever had kids they'd have to conquer a neighboring kingdom just to have space for the bedrooms.
I guess there is a queen! That makes the bed on this floor a bit more confusing, since that means the both of them sleep in GIANT FUCKING BEDS, the likes of which the rest of the world has never seen!... Well, actually I think a few other kings have them, so this really would make them king-sized.

Oooh, there's a little midget tower thing off to the left. I hope that's where they keep loot!.. Well not on the first floor down, they don't. They do have a barrel with a tiny medal in it, but that's about it. Below that, I think I might have found something good.

Guarded door? Check. Guard not in FRONT of door? Check, and mate.
Lone guard? Check. Tower surrounded by water, like they're protecting something important? Check. Guard tries to stop me when I go in? Che...

I guess this is a side-effect of the old Dragon Quest flip-the-sprite-to-simulate-walking trick.
Princess whose breasts swing wildly back and forth as she prances in place? Check? Seriously, it's hypnotic. I know I've run into them before, but... Jesus H Christ, what in the name of God is wrong with them? SHE'S WEARING A CORSET, THEY SHOULDN'T BE MOVING AT ALL! Hell, that level of exertion should have her on the floor, gasping for air like a fish, or more like a person whose lungs have collapsed due to years of having them crushed by heavy metal or whalebone bars crushing their ribs. Trust me, I've helped a few friends into corsets, and if they're tightened right, NOTHING is going to jiggle below the clavicle.

Alright, we've searched all of the castle, so tomorrow we'll have our first (or second) BIG FRIDAY VIDEO UPDATE!

Talk to you all tomorrow! Or I guess it would be talk AT you all tomorrow.

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