Dave Barry doesn't tend to do these anymore, Jeremy Parish gave up Thumbnail Theatre 10 years ago, and Movies in Fifteen Minutes hasn't updated in at least a year. So I had to do this myself. I liked Guardians of the Galaxy quite a lot but am not second-coming-of-Star-Wars in love with it like a lot of people I know, so what the hell. Spoilers below, obviously:
GRAMPA STAR-LORD: Turn off that damn Hit Soundtrack To The Movie Guardians of the Galaxy, boy! It's time to watch your mother die!
LIL' STAR-LORD: Mom, I can't do this. We're asking the audience to feel sad things without things exploding first, and tickets cost too much for that.
GRAMPA STAR-LORD: Just stuffin' Chekhov's Birthday Gift in your backpack. Don't mind me.
MAMA STAR-LORD: Take my hand, son. Please...
LIL'STAR-LORD: Well, as long as I won't just barely miss out on it and be denied closure for half of my life...
MAMA STAR-LORD: *HURK*
LIL' STAR-LORD: I KNEW IT.
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26 years and one abduction later:
STAR-LORD: Ah, the Hit Soundtrack To The Movie Guardians of the Galaxy. It's all I have left of my mother and my life on Earth. Good thing I didn't give a crap about my grandpa!
STAR-LORD: Why does everybody compare this movie to Star Wars? It's in space, sure, but this MacGuffin theft is pure Indiana Jones.
STORMTROOPER: Freeze! You rebel scum.
STAR-LORD: ...ah.
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STAR-LORD: That was one of my best chase scenes ever.
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THE OTHER: I believe you owe us a MacGuffin, Ronan.
RONAN: And you owe me the total destruction of the world's police! I mean GALAXY. Yes, the galaxy's police.
THE OTHER: Watch it there buddy, we don't need the bad press from THAT kind of-
RONAN: I hate them for their freedom.
THE OTHER: WILL YOU PLEASE. SHUT. U-*HURK*
RONAN: Screw you, mystery guy from The Avengers! Dangle as a plot point forever!
THANOS: Why am I even in this? I mean, if this is Star Wars I just should be alluded to like the frickin' Emperor. Maybe be a chick with monkey eyes in the background. There's no reason for me to be here. I don't do anything.
RONAN: I'll get you your MacGuffin.
THANOS: Yeah, sure. Of course. I have 100% faith in you, crazy fanatic man. That's why I'm sending my apprentice, Darth Maul, to help you. ...I mean my daughter Gamora. Except I'd already done that before. ...why am I here again?
RONAN: ...I don't think we're supposed to acknowledge THAT Star Wars.
THANOS: SHUT UP OR I'LL MAKE YOU RACE PODS
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STAR-LORD: So a dude named Ronan wants this MacGuffin, turns out.
SHADY BROKER: Uh, you can keep it.
STAR-LORD: So who's Ronan?
SHADY BROKER: goawaygoawaygoaway
GAMORA: You're Captain Kirkish enough that I'm assuming you probably have a weakness to green chicks.
STAR-LORD: Hello, nurse!
*CRUNCH*
GAMORA: Called it. Yoink!
STAR-LORD: Re-Yoink!
ROCKET: Double-Yoink!
GROOT: Bulbasaur! Bulba bulba!
SPACE POLICE: OMNI-YOINK.
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ROCKET: The Space Police here are crooked, so luckily we don't have to feel bad about shooting at them.
STAR-LORD: Oh, good. Why splice in the director chickening out on my moral ambiguity in 20 years when we can just do it now?
GAMORA: Want to all stick together and escape from the Death Star? I mean space prison?
STAR-LORD: Sure. It's not like a Han Solo character could carry a movie by himself. Certainly not without a fedora. WAIT NO YOU DO NOT GET TO TAKE THE HIT SOUNDTRACK FROM THE MOVIE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY FROM ME
CROOKED GUARD: *ZAP*
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*OOGA CHAKA ETC.*
STAR-LORD: Luckily I missed out on the horrid Dancing Baby proto-meme and half the audience was born after Ally McBeal was long forgotten, so we can all enjoy this inferior 1974 cover of a song from 1968!
DRAX: KILL.
STAR-LORD: Oh, it's not that bad. And how about you use Gamora as bait and kill the RIGHT person?
DRAX: OKAY.
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ROCKET: Now for our daring escape!
DRAX: I AM GOING WITH YOU. YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE BAIT.
ROCKET: Grumble, Grumble.
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STAR-LORD: Okay, it's feeling a little more Star Warsish now, but we just did the Death Star escape at the beginning of the film. So now what do we-
GAMORA: Mos Eisley Spaceport. You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
STAR-LORD: ...ah.
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ROCKET: I DIDN'T ASK TO BE ADORABLY FUZZY AND MARKETABLE! IT JUST HAPPENED! I'M A BEATLES REFERENCE GONE HORRIBLY AWRY!
STAR-LORD: Rocket, you're drunk. Just go back to your room, man.
ROCKET: THERE'S NOTHING IN THERE BUT GIDEON'S BIBLE!
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GAMORA: Stop hitting on me! The Hit Soundtrack To The Movie Guardians of the Galaxy won't work on me! ...wait, "pelvic sorcery"? Are we sure Joss Whedon didn't do touch-up on this? I feel like Amy Acker should be doing this quirky little freakout bit.
THE COLLECTOR: And I feel like Ron Perlman should be doing THIS bit!
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THE COLLECTOR: And here's what the MacGuffin does.
GAMORA: SIX Infinity Gems? That's... an entire Phase of Marvel Movies worth of plot points!
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DRAX: RONAN. FIGHT ME.
RONAN: The day that Ronan graced your planet was the most important day of your life. But for me it was... Tuesday.
DRAX: WHAT.
RONAN: You are ALSO Tuesday.
DRAX: OUCH.
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THE COLLECTOR'S SERVANT: You get what you pay for in the labor market, asshole!
THE COLLECTOR'S EVERYTHING: *BOOM*
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STAR-LORD: More and more Star Wars by the minute, but I still don't know...
GAMORA: No time! Get on the Speeder Bike!
STAR-LORD: ...ah. Well, we have to have reached peak Star Wars now.
AMY POND: I have you now.
STAR-LORD: Crap.
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DRAX: STATING A CHARACTER ARC IS THE SAME AS HAVING ONE.
ROCKET: So Star-Lord and Gamora are captured. What should we do, Groot?
GROOT: Hodor!
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YONDU: I feel like Ron Perlman should be doing this bit.
GAMORA: Nah, we already had a Ron Perlmanesque part. How about Gary Busey?
YONDU: ...that could work! Also, gotta kill you, kid.
STAR-LORD: Or, I could make you think you're in a heist movie when you're actually about to attack the Death Star!
YONDU: ...that could also work!
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RONAN: Thanos! Answer me! See this: the Infinity Stone. I now have that which you most fear!
THANOS: ...actually, not that much, no.
RONAN: You'll do my bidding! Or taste my wrath!
THANOS: Oh screw this, I'm out. See you all in Avengers 3 and Guardians 2, folks!
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ROCKET: We're doomed.
STAR-LORD: But we're doomed together!
GROOT: Station!
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SPACE COP: Uh, President Close? We have a problem-
GLENN CLOSE: What is it, Chief O'Brien?
SPACE COP: I get that all the time, but I'm John C. Reilly, and Colm Meaney played-
GLENN CLOSE: Get on with it, Chief!
CHIEF O'BRIEN: *sigh* We're about to be under attack by space terrorists.
GLENN CLOSE: ...you probably shouldn't just come out and call them that, Chief.
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STAR-LORD: Okay, time to split up and have somewhat personalized action scenes! That's pretty Star Wars!
AMY POND: I've been waiting for you, Gamora. We meet again, at last. When I left you I was but the learner. Now I am the master.
STAR-LORD: ...and that is even more Star Wars!
ROCKET: Star Wars except with women in tight pants instead of old guys. Good one-sentence pitch.
GAMORA: ...wait. Why are you working for Ronan? He double-crossed Thanos who is technically your/our father or something.
AMY POND: I hate Thanos! I want nothing to do with him!
GAMORA: SO WHY WAS THANOS EVEN IN THIS MOVIE!?
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STAR-LORD: We beat Ronan! I think! But we need to get out of here!
GROOT: Voltorb!
ROCKET: Groot, no! Don't do it! There's not a Pokemon Center for light years!
GROOT: I'll... be right... here.
DRAX: THE MEME ABOUT DC FAILING TO MAKE A WONDER WOMAN FILM WHILE MARVEL FILMS A TALKING RACCOON IS NOT THE MOST DAMNING. MARVEL HAS MADE A TOUCHING EMOTIONAL MOMENT BETWEEN A TALKING RACCOON AND A TREE WHILE DC CANNOT FIGURE OUT A FILM STARRING A WOMAN. BUT TO BE FAIR, MARVEL HAS ALSO NOT FIGURED OUT A FILM STARRING A WOMAN AND CHOSE TO FILM THE RACCOON/TREE MOVIE FIRST. THIS IS NOT IDEAL.
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RONAN: Don't you fools watch Dragon Ball Z? Nobody EVER dies in a cloud of smoke!
STAR-LORD: And now I distract you, using the power of the Hit Soundtrack To The Movie Guardians of the Galaxy!
GAMORA: ...and now I'm wondering if Jack Black was considered for THIS part.
STAR-LORD: And of COURSE we watched DBZ! Fighting you directly isn't working, so have a SPIRIT BOMB, chump.
RONAN: Gack, destroyed by the power of friendship! Who could've predicted this except everyone who has ever read Shonen Jump?
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STAR-LORD: And now I've got my own ship and my own buddies and a perfect set up. For a sequel. But there's one more thing I'd need... Hey, time to open Chekhov's Present! My mom's final gift to me! It's...
...the Hit Soundtrack To The Movie Guardians Of The Galaxy 2!
AWESOME MIX TAPE #1: FINALLY I get a little bit of rest. Half the people in the audience have never handled cassettes, cheapass `80s headphones or Walkmans, so you have no idea how much suspension of disbelief it took for people over thirty to believe that this all still worked.
END.
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