Meet The Cast Of Disney's ABC's Marvel's Agents of SHIELD!

The hit-for-now new show Marvel's Agents of SHIELD features a team of quirky secret government agents in their never-ending struggle to protect the world and advertise upcoming Marvel movies! Let's take a look at them for a moment, and then avert our eyes:


Phil Coulson: AKA The Guy You're Watching The Show For, Which Is Why You Actually Know His Name. Phil was a big hit in the first round of Marvel Movies, second probably only to Iron Man in overall popularity. At learning this fact Disney/Marvel execs presumably slapped their foreheads, saying "If a guy in a suit is one of our most popular characters then why are we wasting all this money on special effects and wardrobe?" And so Agents of SHIELD was born. How did Phil come back from getting Joss'd in The Avengers? Keep watching- we promise we'll tell you! As soon as we're certain that you'll keep watching after we've told you!

Hacker Chick: We would've said "Hacktivist Chick," but we hate the word "hacktivist." Watch in bemused horror as well-paid people on a multi-million-dollar corporate product masquerading as entertainment- a show starring benign world-government agents who seem to be almost completely free of oversight and accountability to anyone but themselves -gamely try to "get" organizations like Occupy Wall Street and Anonymous! Whose side is she really on? Who are her parents? Who gives a hot Goddamn?

Lone Wolf Agent Guy: Speaking of not giving a Goddamn, will Hacker Chick's sexual tension with this non-entity ever be resolved? And will he ever get a second personality trait to go with "jerk"?

Tech-Wonk Twins: Speaking of getting Joss'd: the smart dead-pool money is on the dude.

Black Widow Lite: Joss wouldn't sign on without at least one hyper-competent woman in the cast, so: here you go. Don't expect us to be any more forthcoming on what made her stop enjoying hitting people than we are on anything else. We'll be parceling out this sucker for at least a whole season.

And there you have it, folks- this is mainly what you get to watch while you're waiting for cameos and adaptations of Z-tier Marvel Comics characters to show up. Join us every week for Marvel's Agents of SHIELD to see all the adjacence to excitement!