We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 4

... I have no words. Despite my promise not to come back until all my Pokemon were level 15, I wandered into Viridian Forest to maybe get some better experience than what I was getting. The two nice females (a woman and a little girl) in the... way station I guess you'd call it, did NOT, in fact, yell at me, they simply asked me questions. Luckily I didn't have to answer them because I have no idea what they said. The first person in the forest, a boy I'd like to point out, DID yell at me, but he's in an area full of poisonous bugs, so I'll forgive him.

Now you may be wondering why I said I have no words, and then promptly wrote a whole bunch of them. That's because I'm looking at a Metapod... and what the HELL! I don't even know how to describe it, except that it looks like it has x's over its eyes, like they use in old cartoons to show that something is dead. Maybe it's a zombie Metapod, a Zombipod, if you will, and it's evil plan is to Harden itself until it's the hardness of a diamond, and then fling itself at me, in the hopes of cracking open my skull, and getting at my delicious, delicious brain meats. Well, whatever it was planning, it was foiled by my valiant Pidgey, who has stopped sucking quite so much. Hooray less suck!

Pidgey thwarts an attack by Zombipod, the Metapod of the Dead.

Well this is a pleasant surprise. My next encounter is a Kakuna, and as a wise man once said "Kakuna Rattata, it means no worries, for the rest of your days"... or not. In any case, the pleasant surprise is that it actually LOOKS like a bug, or at the very least something that will BECOME a bug. It looks like a Beedrill head, on an actual neck, with its limbs drawn up against its body to be nestled happily in its cocoon. Maybe I'm just weird, but this it the first (and will likely be the ONLY) sprite that I like better in this version than the ones in later version. It's just a shame that when they fixed the things they did wrong, they changed something they did right. Oh well, that's how it goes, sometimes.

That's not bad, actually!Change for the sake of change. Meh.

After a short break to tend my berries in Pearl and Soul Silver, I continue my bug-sploration, and come across a Chest Burster, from Aliens! Wait, what?! Alright no... it seems to be a Caterpie... but the resemblance is uncanny. Give it a top hat and a cane, and make it sing "Hello My Baby," and it would look like something RIGHT out of Aliens... Or was that Spaceballs... probably the latter, but now I want to see a Caterpie do a Vaudeville dance number, and sing about his 'Ragtime Gal'... which makes me thing less about dancing, and more about OTHER things, if you catch my meaning.

John Hurt feels queasy looking at this Caterpie.

HOLY ELECTRIC RAT! Literally, it's a Pikachu, which I didn't expect to run into so easily, and it looks aaaaaaaaawfuuuuuuuuul. He looks like a pillow with a >:3 face ( the greater than sign symbolizing his ears), and thorns sticking out of him. His ass also seems to be some kind of smoke signal, perhaps in the hopes of warning the other forest dwellers away from me? Who knows, but DAMN Pikaderp, they were not kind to you... Though you DO look huggably soft, once we get those thorns pulled, and put the fire on your ass out.

Good Pikachu, you look kinda >:3.

Well with Derpachu, (who I accidentally said I would name, and ended up calling: cross in a mountain with windswept hair, hyphen, JL... which I have been assured means Balls, or something close) in the bag, as well as a Weedle and a Caterderp I didn't bother mentioning capturing, that's actually all of the pokemon I wanted out of this forest, and it's time to get back to level grinding. I think I'll go back to an earlier area and level out my bugs, thus completing two full pokedex entries. Sweet. Of course now I have to interact with the computer and pray I don't set something free by accident.

Remember how I said that Weedle looked like an inquisitive clown in my last post? Almost as though he were politely inquiring, "Porque es usted aqui?" (Why is he Spanish? Because bees and clowns only live in Spain, well known fact. No don't look that up, just trust me... you're looking it up, aren't you? Jerk.) However from the back... well from the back... I can't describe it. Words really DO fail me this time, so I'll just let you look at the picture and come up with the thousand words yourself. Just as a side note, when you managed to poison someone, Weedle's head turns red and he shakes a bit. I want you to look at the picture and visualize that. Don't worry, it hurts me too.
Uh... yeah.

Oh, wow, Caterpie... From behind he looks like a Chest Burster made sweet, sweet, horrible love to an English bulldog, I kid you not. It's... you know, I'm not even sure I want to level this thing now, I can feel it scarring my psyche just looking at it! But my resolve is strong... I shall level out these bug types, and potentially hold onto Butterfree, because it gets a psychic attack pretty early, but I'm putting Beedrill in a box, and forgetting that he even exists. Yea, for I am a cruel and thoughtless trainer, and have no real use for him... and I don't like him anyway. He can keep Rattata/Raticate and Spearow company, and they can all plot my eventual destruction, and their ploys for escape over tea. Goooood times.

I think I prefer most of these bug sprites, but that's because I've never found bugs cute at all.

Alrighty then, after wandering around the Viridian Forest for a while, and talking to a couple people, I FINALLY find someone to fight me... and he's one MALICIOUS looking cuss. Observe his evil little smirk, and even more evil eyebrows. This kid doesn't look like he wants to fight pokemon, he looks like he wants to put ME in his little cage and take me home to inflict unspeakable horrors upon my young, soft, pliant flesh... these horrors will likely include his bug pokemon... I'm not gonna go into detail here, since I'm sure your imagination can take over now, but the end results will include a bug catching net made from my hair, and at the very least a new hat for him... maybe a new apron to go over his wifebeater if he uses the flesh carefully. Anyway, it's time to battle Buffalo Bug Catcher Bill, and I pray I come out of this with all my skin. Thank GOD for level grinding, I don't even want to KNOW what would happen to me if he TPK'ed me. (That's Teriyaki Pork Kabobs, for the uninitiated... No, no, wait! I mean Total Party Kill! That's the one! ... And now I want kabobs... damn.)

He probably calls his Caterpie Precious.

And it's Nidoran male and his mighty horn for the win! As previously mentioned, at the end of the battle, I take Buffalo Bug Catcher Bill's lunch money. You know, this kid is kinda cheap, he only gave me 80, Green gave me a grand. The obvious explanation is that Professor Oak is loaded, and Green cleaned him out before leaving... Or possibly that all of Green's dicketry is in fact pig-tail pulling, so to speak, negative attention inflicted upon the person of one's desire in a school yard display of affection that we all know so well. Maybe Green, in fact, has the hots for Red, and is desperately attempting to express it in the only way his little ten-year-old self knows how. Think about it, he shows up and insults you, while simultaneously giving you hints about where to go, how to get there, and what you need to do to complete certain puzzles, and then provokes a battle, in an attempt to show you how much he has improved in the hopes of impressing you, and then when he loses, he gives you more money than any other trainer. Clearly this is some kind of intricate mating dance. You know, in that light, on top of the orphan angle and Red destroying his life, you have to feel sorry for Green. Always reaching out for love, acknowledgment, and affection, from his grandfather, from Red, from ANYONE, and never getting it. His grandfather is always busy at work, and Red... well spoiler alert, he goes off and holes up in a the frozen freaking tundra on top of a mountain, leaving poor Green with the sad position of Viridian Gym Leader. That's right, they won't even acknowledge him enough to let him into the Elite Four, even though he beat them all. How messed up is THAT? You know that almost makes me want to lose the next battle against him, just to throw him a bone (metaphorically speaking). But I won't... and do you know why? I'm a sadist... and his tears are DELICIOUS!

So on that yaoi-tastic note, I'll leave you, my dear readers, and get back to level grinding. Expect Beedrill and Butterfree to make an appearance, and possibly even Ivysaur, Nidorino and Nidorina if I'm feeling particularly froggy! Thank you and good night!

Friday, October 1, 2010

Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 3

What the FUCK is that?! I'm still working on level grinding here, and... my god. It is an abomination unto Nuggan! It looks like a flat plank of wood someone painted to look like a Spearow... or maybe a really bad cardboard cut out. I don't know, and I'll catch it for completion purposes... but I don't want that fugly thing in my party! Which means that soon I'll have to brave the computer system... gods help us all.

Cardboard Cutout Spearow watches you sleep.

Alright well that wasn't AS bad as I was thinking it would be. Thankfully, since my name is so recognizable (if you'll remember, it's five mountains with a cross shoved into each) I was able to deduce that the first option was likely Bill's computer. After a moment's confusion in which the first option was withdraw and the second one was deposit, I shoved my Spearow into a box where I won't have to gaze upon its hideous visage anymore. I worry about the computer options though... I know one of them has to be 'release pokemon' but I don't know which one... I have the feeling that this is going to bite me in the ass later.

... Well fine then. I checked out a random house, and while the little boy seemed pretty chill with me being there, the little girl pretending to be the teacher yelled a me. Hey, screw you, chickadee, I don't know what it's like where you're from, but the goal of the teacher isn't to scream at children until they run away, contrary to popular belief, it's to keep the children there, and slowly suck away all of their delicious delicious imagination until all that's left is a hollowed-out shell full of broken dreams and thoughts of reality TV so they'll fit in with the rest of the soulless drones that make up our society.

Jeez, in that house even the PIDGEY yelled out me. Well, I can understand being upset about a stranger just strolling into your home, but damn, stop yelling. I'm just looking for someone with whom I can have a pleasant conversation! If I wanted all this yelling, I would have stayed home. You know what, come to think of it, maybe I WILL go back home, and marry Green's sister. She's pretty chill, and in a world where ten year olds are deemed old enough to roam a world full of dangerous monsters, I don't see why I can't marry this little and settle down somewhere peaceful where there's no yelling, and live a quiet life in solitude. I mean, it's not like I actually go to school or anything, or else I wouldn't get away with all this truancy, now would I?

Well it looks like I ran into the man that teaches you to catch pokemon... which leads me to believe that the Missingno trick works here. I can only hope, because I want my "x dancing flower 0" Master balls! But this early in the game, that's clearly not going to happen, and so I just have to watch a pixelated old grandpa catch an inquisitive Weedle wearing a big clown nose. Apparently he was getting ready for his trip to clown school when he heard a noise and came to investigate. Poor thing... he's going to be spend most of the rest of his natural life in a tiny little ball now, probably stuck up on the old man's shelf somewhere. Never will he achieve his dream of joining the circus and traveling to new and interesting places and entertain the masses, basking in the laughter and smiles of small children that scream until their parents take them to see the first ever Weedle-clown. Ah, such is life, as they say.

How would a Weedle-Clown ride a unicycle, exactly?

Where was I? Oh yeah, the old guy seemed to scream the lesson at me... but I think I'll forgive him for it, since he's old, and likely deaf, so he probably has no idea how loud he's shouting.

With Bulbaderp up to level 12, I decide to work on some of my catches... You know, when I was grinding Bulbasaur, I could NOT run into anything over level 3, and the ONLY Nidoran females and Rattatas I encountered were level 2... not so now that I'm leveling my level 2 Nidoran female. Now everything is level three and above, and she is getting her ass handed to her... or at least the lower half of her potato handed to her, however you want to look at it. I have to keep splitting her experience with another pokemon, and MAN is that making this take longer than it should!

Little known fact... God is a level 3 Pidgey. I'm not kidding, it took ALL of my low level, freshly caught pokemon to kill it. I pulled them all out before it could kill them, but Jeebus, it was fast, faster than my Pidgey of equivalent level, and it was FIERCELY powerful. This leads me to believe that as soon as a pokemon is put into a ball, it loses all of its fighting spirit, and its stats take a nose dive. I base this on absolutely nothing, but why the hell else would that thing have raped my Pidgey, at the same level, caught in the same exact spot. (Remember kiddies, this game predates the nature system, so for example saying I caught a 'pussy' natured Pidgey, while that was a 'rapemonster' natured Pidgey really isn't applicable here) Either way, it was a dick, and I should have gotten WAY more than the paltry 14 experience I received for beating its face in.

Friggin' Rattatas! How do they work?! With FAR more intelligence than I had ever thought the computer capable of, I just had a Derpata sit here and Tail Whip my defence down to nothing so it could one-hit kill me. What the hell is up with that? While it's a well-known fact that the computer cheats like a dirty whore, it's not supposed to be SMART, and and down right SNEAKY! Bastards. I'm starting to think my poor poison bunny (female) will never level up with how often she's biting it. And by 'it' I don't mean that CERTAIN part of the Nidoran male body. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more.

You know, maybe I've been playing too much SoulSilver, but the graphics for these trees look like they have apricorns on them. It makes me want to walk over and shake them like babies in order to get at their delicious pokeball-creating secrets. Of course then you'd have to travel to a country... island? province? prefecture?... that doesn't exist yet in order to find a man that hasn't been created yet in order to make them into pokeballs for you, but if decades of video games have taught me anything, it's that this is TOTALLY possible... Or failing that, ANY old man will do, because they're old and crafty, and know how to do THINGS... super secret SPECIAL things, that we children couldn't possibly fathom...

Did it just get creepy in here? Believe it or not that was not ENTIRELY my intention. I just meant to reference the fact that it's almost always old men you go to in order to learn any obscure fighting style, technique, or art and craft, such as pokeball construction (Pokemon GSC/HGSS) or Bum Rush (Sabin/Mash's final Blitz in Final Fantasy 6), or the Kamehameha (Goku's signature move in Dragon Ball) ... though how the hell one is taught a Hawaiian king, I'll never quite understand.

No wonder nobody worries about ten year-olds wandering the world alone! They can survive on giant marshmallows!

And is it just me, or do those barriers on either side of the road look like pills? Or possibly capsules? Maybe even marshmallows... Whatever they are, it makes you wonder why the hell people randomly stuck pile-ons into dry ground, and then never bothered to put anything on top of them. Was this all under water hundreds of years ago, and these barriers are in fact the ancient remnants of previous society? Or are the road developers just dicks? It's up to you to decide, boys and girls.

I know I'm babbling about inconsequential crap, but I just don't know how to make my level grinding at all humorous or interesting... so in light of this fact, I think I'll just call it here, and come back when everyone is level fifteen. I'll give you the highlights when I get back. Until next time, pokeboys and girls, and remember... cardboard cutout Spearow watches you sleep!


Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 2

Ah, there's nothing like incessant level grinding! I'd like to point out that Rattata looks like he's throwing up his front leg, and Pidgey's tail looks like it's on fire. Aaaaanyway, I have gotten a newfound appreciation for Leech Seed... or at least I think that's what it is, since I throw three round things at the enemy and little sprouts pop up around them, but what do I know? It could be poo, or fertilizer. Either way, getting my health back is nice. I've also noticed the fact that my mother screams at me whenever I go home and take a nap. I'm sorry Mommy, but my little blossom frog needs to heal up! As soon as he's big and strong, and can protect me on my tender ten year old butt on my trek through the wilderness, I promise you won't bother you ever again!

Rattata throws up its own leg in Pocket Monsters Green.Meanwhile, Pidgey's tail is ablaze.

Well in an effort to get some plot out of the way... I asked my boyfriend what I was supposed to be doing. It seems that I was supposed to go pick up a package, which makes sense. So I did that, got yelled at by the cashier, and then delivered the package to Professor Oak... and got yelled at. Jeez! Guys, seriously, stop it! I haven't done anything, gimme a break! Then Green showed up and get a book... or the Pokedex as I've been told... and HE yelled at me some more. So... am I just living in the angriest town in the world? That would certainly explain why the adults are all alright with their small children leaving town to go trek through the woods and catch wild animals. They're hoping to either kill us young 'uns off, or to make us as bitter and angry as they are! It all makes sense now!

Surprisingly enough, Green's sister didn't yell at me at all. She spoke to me, and then just gave me the map. The game yelled at me that I had received it (or I assume it's a map, it just looked like a book), but she did not. Clearly the angry has not infected her yet. Now with map and Pokedex in hand, I have been assured my adventure can start. Hooray! Now where do I get Pokeballs?

Ah, the store where I got Oak's parcel, fantastic! What the HELL are they selling?! Um... I've been assured that the list contains: pokeballs, antidotes, burn heals and paralyze heals. I'll take their word for it. Time to start catching them all~! Text cannot convey the sarcasm in that statement... hell, I don't think this UNIVERSE is capable of encapsulating the amount of sarcasm I want to infuse into those words. Thank you profit monsters, you've broken the universe!

Oh wow... balls in hand, my first encounter is a Nidoran female... or I assume it is, because I recognize the female symbol at the end of its name. It um... it doesn't look like the Nidoran female we're all familiar with, it kinda looks like a potato with a single snaggle tooth, an oyster shell shoved into its head and the creature appears to be singing. After Leech Seeding it, and then just throwing music notes at it until its health drained enough, I caught the Derporan female.

Those singing snaggle-toothed potatoes in oyster-hats are tricky.

Oddly enough my next encounter is a Nidoran male. What can I say? The bunnies love me. Unlike his female counterpart, he does not look like a potato, but rather like one of those sail-backed dinosaurs in miniature... with TWO giant oyster shells shoved into its head. In addition to that, it appears to be eating a leek, so I can only assume that it had killed a Farfetch'd, and I interrupted its meal. Time to seed him and ball him, I guess.

What is it with Nidorans and their oyster ornaments?

Well as they say in the "Hip Hop" bunny got back... Meaning I caught him. Now with the little abominations unto nature in tow, I shall head off to... SHIT! I forgot Green showed up ALREADY! Damn it man, you JUST saw me a few minutes ago! Why don't you go poke Pidgeys with sticks or something, and let me get my catch on? Well what do you know? The first out of his ball was a Pidgey, the troll pokemon. I HATE Sand Attack SO freaking HARD!!! So once I get rid of little trollie bird, I have to fight Derpmander... with no accuracy and half my health gone.The bunnies are no help because they're having sex... Oh, wait... I mean low level. No, really.

Ah, Leech Seed came to my rescue. Tackle kept missing, because of trollie bird's efforts, but Leech Seed just kept on trucking, all while I couldn't land a hit, and Derpmander threw attack-lowering music notes at me. I'm very thankful that he's so dumb. As a result, I defeated Green, and stole his lunch money, as is customary in Pokemon battles. He then yells at me, which is no surprise, since I just stole his money, and then tromped off. Hey bro, don't hate the player, hate the game. Or your grandfather, hating him is alright too, since this is really all his fault. I mean, if it was up to me, we'd work together to tp and egg his lab, and then leave flaming bags of poo all around the place... but I understand your need for acceptance, and thirst for praise, little orphan boy, and so I will forgive you and your dicketry.

I think I'm going to call it a day here, since I've defeated my rival yet again, and psychoanalyzed him all in one go, and I need to savor my superiority over all that is Green Oak... Or whatever his last name is. See you guys later, and until then remember... singing potato oyster.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends!

It's only Wednesday, but in light of the fact that Jump Superstars has been finished, and we've still got three weekdays left, we're going to run our Retro Pokemon Weekend feature for the rest of this week, and the Flailthrough of Pokemon Black will start on Monday, and then the weekend features will take place normally. So for now, sit back and enjoy!


Day 1

So it seems we have come into possession of Japanese copies of Pokemon Red and Pokemon Green. Being of the female persuasion, I've chosen to play Green, because it's my favorite color. I have also decided that I will be picking Bulbasaur to go with the green theme. I have not started the game, but I'm already dreading it, after hours of That Guy trying to find out if these are the original versions with the alternate Lavender Town music infamous for its destruction of the Gameboy speakers and migraine-inducing properties. As it turns out, they have the regular Lavender Town music, but after listening to that and enduring the headache it caused, I am slowly becoming certain that if I have to listen to it for five hours, I am going to end up explaining to the cops why my boyfriend has a Gameboy lodged in his esophagus.

But I digress, allow me to return to the topic. Unlike That Guy and Flailthroughs and Co., (for those playing the home game, that's my boyfriend and his brother, respectively) I have absolutely NO concept of katakana, kanji, or hiragana beyond the fact that they are three writing systems that exist in Japan, and at least one of them evolved from a pictographic root. Also I would like you to keep in mind that I am very new to Pokeman, and just recently played the first game, once, and by no means have the game memorized beyond the following facts: Professor Oak lets you pick a pokemon, and Gary is a douche. I used a walkthrough to get through my first run of the game in English, I have a feeling that playing it in Japanese will lead to calamity... and possibly hilarity as everyone laughs at me flailing madly while trying to figure out where to go, what to do, and what's going on in general.

So with all that in mind, I start up the game, and am immediately struck by how terrible the graphics are. For the record, I'm not holding the game to the standards of games from present day, of course, but to the American version of Blue. The Derp is strong with these sprites. Aaaaaand then I'm met with the first road block. I'm sure this box full of J's squiggles and dashes is asking me if I want to load, start new game or... I don't know, dance the Lambada, but I have no way of knowing which is which. Hell, for all I know it could be calling my mother a tyrannosaurus rex, and have nothing to do with game commands what so ever.

Well the first option seems to have been load, which makes sense. And after seeing the sprites for the pokemon under summary... or backwards c, sail boat, Christian fish hook, erection t, horsey and backwards loopy sigma... I maintain my observation that the Derp is strong here. I don't think it's even the sprites' fault really, I think the art for the pokemon was just butt ugly, and there wasn't anything anyone could do about it.

Anyway, I turn the game off, and try again. Ah ha! Success! The second option seems to have been start new game, and I am on top of the world... What the HELL is that?! Oh... Professor Oak... you're uh... looking kinda rough there, my friend. I don't know if it's the scowl, the angry eyebrows, or the line that looks like your eye is leaking, but you just don't look good today. Maybe the good doctor should take a break and go on a vacation. Well, regardless of my opinion, he seems to want to yell at me. Or I assume it's yelling by the giant, bold exclamation point. I don't know what he's saying, but he's very vehement about it. If I had to make a guess, I'd say it's something to the extent of: "Hey you little brat! I've told you a million times to get off my lawn! I come out here every day, and you're always... doing whatever it is you kids do these day... POISONOUS RABBIT IN YOUR FACE!" I assume that is part of the conversation because I suddenly have a picture of a Nidorino on my screen. "Oh wait, that's not my people attacking pokemon... but... Well since you're here, this is a pokemon, and we use them not only as livestock, and work beasts, but we also make them fight for our amusement." And then my character is on the screen.... and he looks like he has a bad attitude. The set of his hat tells me that he's a no nonsense kid, and he's ready to take on the world, even though he's only ten. And then Professor Oak yells at me again. You know, I don't know what I did to piss him off... but from the look of the kid, I'm going to guess it involved a paper bag, poke-poo and fire.

Professor Oak wants you off his lawn.Red's looking good, though

Well, regardless of what the Professor is saying, I seem to have the option of naming my character now. I'm going to assume that the first option is 'name your character', because it's the longest. The names I seem to have to choose from are: emo hair J, vertical line, normal J underscore, hyphen on a large coma; equal sign on a large coma, apostrophe J with windblown hair, JL; and finally equal sign on a large coma with windblown hair, backwards subscript E, hyphen on a large coma. You know, given the choice, I think I'll name him myself.

With that done, thus begins the epic story of: Cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain. I find the repeating symbols will help me realize when someone's talking to me... And Professor Oak is yelling at me again. Jeeze, what bug crawled up inside him and bit down?

Ah yes, what epic story would be complete without a rival? Gary, or Green if you prefer, looks like a little douche, as always. His lopsided smirk and v-shaped eyebrows make him endearingly scampish... or a douche. How ever you want to look it at it. And now we get a glimpse of Professor Oak's senility, as he frantically asks me what the name his grandson is... the same grandson that he's been raising ever since said child's parents died. Oh, yeah, spoiler alert, Green, or backwards E, backwards E, backwards E, backwards E, backwards E as I have decided to call him, is an orphan. Aw, and now Professor Oak is yelling at him... or at me... I don't really know. Ok, it seems to be me, since he just screamed my name. OH MY GOD, HE JUST SHRANK ME! I'm sorry Professor Oak, I'll never put flaming poo on your doorstep again!

Gary Motherfucking Oak: douche by birth, douche by trade.

Oh wait... it was just the start of the actual interactive part of the game. Well after an inscrutable exchange with the computer, in which I did the same thing like five times, I think I managed to withdraw something from my computer. With that, out of the way, I get to have a nice heartwarming, but completely illegible conversation with my mother. Poor woman, it really sucks that she has to sleep in the living room like that. Well out into the big bad world!

And then as soon as I step into the grass, I get yelled at... again. Jeebus, why is everyone so mad? Ah, yes, it's Professor Oak... Why does he keep yelling at me, really? After he gets through haraguing me, I'm dragged back, likely by my ear, into his lab, for more yelling, and references to Green. Honestly dude, why do you hate your grandson so much? I mean, yeah his hair is dumb, and he's a bit of a jerk, but he's ten, what do you want out of him? After more yelling at both of us, I get to pick a pokemon finally. My joy is unknowable. Well I think I'm going to go with Bulbasaur, if only because I went with Squirtle in Blue, and I seem to have a theme going there. Naturally, Green chooses Charmander, or Derpmander here, and picks a fight with me as I try to walk away peacefully.

Alright combat... Well the first option is to attack, and then I get a list of options. Um... I wish I knew which one of them was an actual attack. Here goes nothing. Alright, I picked the right one... except that Derpmander acts first and scratch does more damage than tackle. As luck would have it, Derpmander spent most of the battle throwing music notes at me, so I won... just barely. Then Green yells at me. Thanks bro. Then Professor Oak yells at me. Jeez, this game is starting to make me feel insecure. I already promised no more flaming poo bags, what morre do you people want from me? Wow, even the COMPUTER yelled at me. Fine, screw you guys, I'm running away! Let's see how much you enjoy life without little Cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain, cross in a mountain to push around!

But first, I'm going to tell my mommy on you, and take a nap! Ha! Tomorrow will begin my official adventure into the wide world of pokemon... and hopefully I'll find out why everyone keeps yelling at me. See you guys then! Now I just have to figure out how to save...

*Side note: I forgot to grab pictures of Oak, Red and Green from my game and I didn't want to risk restarting it, so these pictures are technically from Red, but they're the same graphics, only in red instead of green.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Flailthroughs - Jump Superstars! (Part 22) - The Grande Finally! (Yes, I spelled it right, trust me.)


Like we didn't see that coming. BUT, it's a B-splosion stage, with the Shonen Jump Pirate head as its symbol! sweet! Let's see what happens!

Holy crap! It's the furniture thief!

The Furniture Thief Revealed!The man who has been taunting me since the start of this game is now grinning at me, his white guy afro taunting me with it's beauty... I will end him, and I will end him for good!


The man seems to be a combination of all of the most painful and dangerous moves in the entire game, able to summon a fairy that sends out an invincible poop robot that runs across the ground (I somehow suspect Bobobo being involved), summoning a giant ass Megaman-like robot that just blasts you away, and turning into Piccolo or Vegeta. That.. was painful.

But I think I did it! I think I beat the game, really, honestly, and finally! This is... this is one of the greatest moments of my life...


Ah, I know who that is! It's Dr. Mashirito from Dr. Slump -Ed.

Thus mostly ends Jump Superstars.
Oh son of a bitch!

Another stage!? WHY!?

Well, whining won't get us anywhere, might as well move along. This stage is... a pile of poop. I'm not kidding, the symbol is a pile of poop... this could be good, actually.

Ahh! Dr.Slump! That's actually cool, I had been wondering where this manga was going to show up! And look at that, the little girl with pink hair is an avatar of death! Ow! Three tries before I have to resort to breaking down one of the walls and kicking everyone over the edge. I'm not proud of it, but then again... meh.

There's a pirate head stage next, where it seems all I have to do is survive until the time runs out. Not too bad all in all, and I- OH MY GOD IT'S ANOTHER TORNADO!

Excuse me for a moment while I weep openly... thank you...

And back! I guess we'll just head through and see what comes... wait... it's world 1-1... the whole thing loops back around! HA! You thought you could trick me, didn't you! You just wanted me to play the game over and over again, until I lost all hope, and went completely insane, again! Well you're not going to win this round! I've beat the game, for real this time!

Ok, seriously for a moment here. Fighting games are not my cup of tea, but if I were going to give this game a rating, I would put it toward the top of the list of the fighting games that I've played. The characters are numerous, the customization is absolutely wonderful, and the concept itself is fairly new in the world of fighting games, or at least American ones. I would give this a... well, I don't feel like coming up with some sort of "five cheeses out of ten," system to measure, so... no, that works, but I would give it seven cheeses out of ten.

If you've been reading this, and you think that I made the game sound never-ending... well, I did, but that would actually be good for someone that likes fighting and puzzles, which it provides a small amount of. Give it a shot, it's not that expensive, and it could keep your attention for a while.

Stay tuned for my next Flail! Pocket Monsters (Pokemon) Black!


Monday, September 27, 2010

Jump Superstars Part 21: Go is the Pits.

... Is this stage a strawberry, or some sort of mutant meteor? Well, I guess once again we'll have to see what happens when we go in.

A giant old fashioned clusterfuck is what happened. Not only is everyone attacking me, they're also attacking each other this level, so that causes their kill count to skyrocket, since as we all know the computer cheats like a bastard. About all I have going for me is that the others do seem to view me as the primary target, so they'll come straight for me every time. With a bit of luck, and blasting a hole in the wall, I'm able to either push them in, or jump over their heads as they dive at me, causing them to fly off of the edge of the stage and lower their kill counts. Thank gods.

And we have another tornado! Oh goody! I'm looking forward to whatever evil thing may await me on the other side... I should correct that. I'm looking forward to finally finding the final boss, because it's not that this game isn't a lot of fun, it's that it just goes on FOREVER.

I enter through the tornado and find myself back on the first world again, this time at the base of Mt.Fuji Mark 3, The Destroyer. The stage here is another boss stage, this one an ice cream cone... I somehow doubt this will be my ultimate battle, don't you?

Not too hard a stage, aside from the moving conveyor belts and constant onslaught from Kenshin, Naruto, and Goku... Ok, maybe the stage was a bit hard, but thankfully there was a pit, so... it wasn't that hard. I find it sad that though the stages are getting harder and harder to beat, they still just fall backwards into pits all the time.

Uhhh... there's... another tornado?

Was that even worth the tornado?
Seriously, what the hell was the point in that? It was ONE stage, and not even a complex one. You could have skipped it, and no one would have noticed! It was just like they threw it in there for poops and giggles, or someone wanted it there to justify some awful fanfic they wrote in high school. It's just... man, anyway, moving on...

Ok... we're back on world four now... it's a little island, all by itself... Well, little, but big enough for a pile of stages. There's another B-Splosion stage, and this time it's two symbols I don't recognize beyond the fact that they MIGHT be Go pieces. I guess we'll see?

Yes, I am definitely sensing a very subtle Go theme, are you?

Go is the pits.
Once again... pits. I mean, come on... I don't even want to make a joke about it, it's turning out so sad. Push attack, knock enemies into pit, jump to other side. Push attack, knock enemies in, jump to other side. It's got to suck to be the bad guys in the game... one might almost say, it's the pits.

I'm sorry.

The next stage seems to be Dragonball Z-related, so let's go and see, shall we?

Man... just... more pits... I don't even want to comment on it, but now at least I know that Kurama from Yu Yu Hakusho is a summon... I wish I even bothered to look at the panels anymore, or I would give him a shot.

Seriously, remember the last time you heard me mention panels? Me neither, but that was the last time I bothered looking at them. I'm still using the precreated panel sets I started the game with, and still beating everything.

We'll have more for you tomorrow, and a little preview is: I FINALLY FINISH THE GAME!


Sunday, September 26, 2010

Pokemon Weekend: Pokewalker help and hints - The Pokesailer!

Don't get out much?

Have a desk job that means you sit around all day?

Don't feel like waiting six years of normal use to be able to unlock every Pokewalker route?

Well then I have the answer for you!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the patented (not patented) Pokesailer!

Simple instructions are as follows, works with one or two Pokewalkers, but I'll show it with two since it's what I'm currently using.

Step 1.

Step 1: Pokewalkers and Playing Cards

Take 4 playing cards and bend them down the middle, laying them end to end. You will also need two lengths of string, as well as some tape, and something that makes air move, like an air conditioner or fan.

Step 2.

Step 2: Taping CardsDuct tape (or any kind of tape) the playing cards together on the inside of the bend, I recommend the face side just to keep things straight.

Step 3.

Step 3: Tying PokewalkersConnect the two Pokewalkers together by the belt clips. If you have only one, skip to step 4.

step 4.

Step 4: Clip Pokewalkers to cards
Slide the cards into the belt clips so that it looks something like this, i recommend lining it up so that the cards are slightly off center. remember, we don't want the sailer to be aerodynamically correct, because the more it jumps the more steps you get!

Step 5.

Repeat step 4 on the other side till you get what should look like this.

Step 5: Now the other side

Then tie two loops into the string through the belt loops on the Pokewalkers.

Step 6.

Suspend in front of air conditioner, box fan, or other device that produces air current.

Behold: The Pokesailer!
It might look silly, but if you're willing to take the time to adjust it, you can get between forty and fifty thousand steps a day with this setup.

Have fun gang, and enjoy your piles of Watts.