We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 16

Ok, so you know how I was supposed to go to that gym in Saffron? Or at least head off to level my pokemon to prepare for the gym? Well, um... guess where I am! Yes... yes I'm back in the casino. I-I can't help it... there are lights that FLASH! A-and I WIN sometimes, and... Yes... I'm weak... I'll hang my head in shame now.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 30 (It slices! It dices! It takes 3 Ultra Balls to catch!)

I return to the Pokemon Professor's house only to find that she isn't home, hmm... well, I guess we're off to see if those Plasma grunts have moved on, since there's nothing here.

Cue me flying from city to city one at a time, trying to figure out where the hell I'm supposed to be, and I finally end up back at the second gym city.

I wonder if this cluster of named characters is Pokemon Black telling me to go THIS way?
Call me wacky, but I think I can recognize a plot hitch when I see one, and I'm gonna hook my Ponyta up to it and see what happens.

Well, they talk at me for a few moments, then the first gym leader gives me something that is either a Haro from Mobile Suit Gundam, or that frightening little sphere thing from the movie Phantasm... That movie still freaks me the hell out. Anyway, Dragon Gym Leader takes off at full speed on what looks like either a Shadow Lugia, or the worlds' largest blackbird, and leaves me with the group... damn, Belle is talking to me.

Also, here's that sphere thing.

Hmm. It's called a Light Stone and the description references Reshiram, the Pokemon Black mascot legendary. ...Probably not important.
Do you see what I mean? Freaky, huh?

Anyway, I think I know where this is going. Since the town with the seventh gym would only be a short walk to the eighth gym, that means now I'm going to have to go the long way around... Why? Because Belle is a bitch, and is sick of me making fun of her ass, which is epically huge. but then to my surprise I head there to check, and it turns out that I'm wrong! Yay! Do I actually get to take the short route there?!

Could it be as simple as walking into this cave? Of course it isn't.
Oh thank gods!

No, not god, gods. all of them, because whatever one gave me this little blessing is one I don't want to miss... I hope it's Anubis, he's a pretty cool guy... dog... thing. I attempt to walk into the tunnel, and Belle ninjas up behind me like the bitch that she may very well be, but probably isn't, because she's probably supposed to be the good-natured, quirky friend *breathes*. She wants to battle, which seems like a really dumb idea since I'm pretty sure that now they've asked me to go and kill the bad guys, or it's very thoughtful that they're sending along a bit of XP for me before I go to fight them.

I hate this bitch. I hate this bitch, and I hate her damned super potions!

I do however like this.

Jaroda (or possibly Jalorda?) is one badass stringbean.
This is Tsutarja's final evolution, Jaroda... almost makes me wish I had taken the plant starter, if my Pigno wasn't such an awesome little murderer. I beat her and she gives me... something or other, then fats off again back toward town. That battle was a lot harder than I thought it would be, actually. Her Pokemon must have been working out, like, lifting weights or something... like her ass... Yes, I know you could tell that was coming a mile away. No, I don't care.

I make my way through the little tunnel and... and...

It looks so good Pants' little sprite looks totally out of place.

And once again, this game utterly amazes me with its graphics. It's nothing super impressive, as I've said before, but for a Pokemon game it leaves me floored. I love this new generation.

I move my way up the bridge and talk to a girl who's running in circles, and she gives me a random TM, which is nice. At the other end of the bridge waiting for me is Captain Angora and as I approach him I find myself surrounded by N's ninjas... I guess they're all working together... Great. He wanders back and forth, likely telling me about... I don't know, his Pez dispenser collection, or N apparently, and mentions some numbers... I don't know, honestly I've just started zoning out when he starts talking about anything, since I don't understand it anyway. Next time you're playing a game and the bad guy is giving a speech, try to imagine him doing it with hand puppets. That's what I do at times like this, and it works damn well.

He stops talking long after I started clipping my toe nails, and then wanders off without accomplishing anything. I head in through the gate and out to the other side, which seems to be route nine. As I exit, someone dressed as a baseball player says what I can only guess is "Hey kid, catch!" and throws me a TM. Why? Who the fuck even cares anymore, at least I'm getting free stuff. I would like to point out though that this person is far too white and short to be Mean Joe Green... Yes, I have just dated myself mightily.

Don't suppose I could trade up to this from the normal Bike?
There's also a random trainer on this route that is riding a motorcycle, which is kind of cool, except when you think about the fact that there is no way in hell this is a practical mode of transport. To my left is a building, it has small doors, and you have to get off of your bicycle to go through it. I can see being able to pick up a bike and hook it to your back or something, but how is this person going to do that with a Harley? They aren't, that's how. That means this person bought this vehicle just to ride it back and forth between town and this door, and do nothing else with it at all.

There's actually quite a few of these guys and...

...uh. Yeah.

I don't know what they were doing before I started fighting them, but I think I'm too young to be seeing this... And I don't mean my character in the game, I mean me. I'm only 28!

Anyway, aside from the vaguely homoerotic adventures in Pokemon Land, I find something else here that looks interesting.

Yay, Department Store! er, Pokedepartment Store. Pokedepartment Pokestore. Ah, fuck it.
It's a department store! It's got all of the stat-enhancing items, as well as a number of TMs that are well over 90K each! That's pretty impressive, but there are also three, maybe four people in here that are ready to battle you, and good for over 11K if you have an amulet coin equipped. There's also a... something, possibly some sort of feather duster in the janitor's closet, as well as a Janitor. I somehow feel that if I had talked to him before I stole his stuff, something else might have happened... Moving on!

So it's back outside, and I've found access to the grass that's around here, so it's time to do a bit of searching for new Pokemon!

Dasutodasu, the Pokemon I will NOT be allowing my Yabukuron evolve into. Ick.
Like this guy, who is the evolved form of Yabukuron, known as Dasutodasu... Yes, it is "Dust to Dust", so I'm going to call him Dusty

And then there's this gal.

Gochimiru, the 'Oh God The Rule 34 is on its way isn't it, what do you MEAN it's already out there?' Pokemon.
Gochimiru, evolved form of Gochimu, but I'm going to call her Gothy.

And finally, this thing...

Komatana, the Pokemon voted most likely to appear in a Puppet Master movie.
He's Komatana, but I'm going to call him Blade, since... well, you can probably guess the reason.

That's also where I'm going to call it for this week, so keep tuned in for our arrival at the next city!.. hopefully!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 29 (Gentlemen, behold! I have discovered the sand anus!)

It seems to be a pretty short route, and straight forward. You can follow it to the right until it forks up and down, the north path leading to some sort of forest, and the south leads to a large building blocked off by Team Plasma... So I guess I know where we're going at this point.

Pants found Carmen Sandiego- FINALLY!

Why is it always the dark foreboding forest? Can't we go through the field of happy bunnies for once? No, we can't, because this is the world of Pokemon, and the happy bunnies would try to rip my throat out with razor sharp claws, as is their wont.

Well, it looks like I was entirely wrong about the forest, but I did find a nice pile of items in there, as well as level up a good number of times from all of the trainer battles. Since the Plasma goons are still on the door, I have the very, very disturbing feeling that I'm going to have to go back to one of the early towns, then head around the other side of the world to get to the next town... and it looks like a long walk.

So, I fly back to the town with the Ferris wheel, since I think that's where I'm going to need to be next... Oh god, why did I battle the hiker in front of the wheel again!? Now I'm going to have to go on a date with him!

This picture is made more disturbing by sentences immediately before and after.
Anyway, at least it was good for some quick cash. I continue to the right from the town with the Ferris wheel, fighting a number of extremely low level trainers and scavenging for Pokemon that I might have missed. Nothing here, so it's on we go to head to the next town!

Team Construction Worker would have more members if they had cool knight costumes.
SHIT! Ok, I think I've officially reached a point where I'm stuck... this is going to take a little while to figure out... you know what? I think I have an idea... I'm going to go and check out that strange ass desert again, that you might remember from ages and ages ago. Why do I guess this? Because I think the badge I just got lets me use a HM that I needed there. I fly back to the same city with the Ferris wheel that I just left, this time ignore the frightening fat man, and head down and back to the desert... Dear God, did I actually... did I actually get something right?

Hey, I can translate that whole thing! Cheren: 'Stop, Pants!' -Ed.
Seriously, I'm not kidding, I just took a shot in the goddamn dark here, I am so proud of myself right now, I want to make myself a little award. Though seriously, this was the only place I could think of that I hadn't scavenged to death, and it was a long shot anyway. Still, lucky is as good as smart some times.

Damn, it's just Cheren. He's babbling like an ass about something, probably me getting his Pokemon's blood on his glasses the last time I handed his ass to him. He continues to talk to me for far longer than I would be listening even if I could understand what he was saying, and I head into the cave... tomb... thing.


Can't really argue with ThatGuy's description... -Ed.
I can now walk past this guy, which I couldn't do the last time that I came here... I think there's plot in them there holes. By the way, if you run past the holes, you will get sucked in to them, walk and you should be perfectly fine. That's actually a pretty good metaphor for life, now that I think about it. Rush and get sucked into a hole, take it slow and you'll end up at a man with a silly mustache and a bowler hat. Well what do you know!

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
And he brought his own Plasma Squire with him, how handy! Pretty standard battle, and then it seems this time I have to jump down the hole, since it's the only direction to go from here. Another Plasma person and a... some sort of item, greet me at the bottom of the hole. I think that from here I'm going to have to take another one of the holes down, since only stairs here lead up to somewhere I'm fairly sure will take me to a dead end.

Speaking of dead things.

Desukaan, the nifty sarcophagus Pokemon.
I'm going to call this guy Tutut, because... well, you should be able to figure that out. His real name is Desukaan, the evolved form of Desumasu, who you can also catch in this area.

Anyway, the bottom pit looks like it takes me to the right area, since I'm seeing more Plasma around. I'm not quite sure where I'm going, since there are so many pits around here, but I'm going to make an educated guess and say bottom left... and so far, don't know if right. It dropped me down next to a pair of Plasma goons, but I think if I had taken one of the other pits, I would have been able to get an item as well as follow this route.

It's down the next pit, and I think I've found what I was looking for!

And there's that asshole Cherren, riding my coat tails to glory. I really hate that bastard right about now, but there's more important things going on! Wish I knew what they were! We all head up to join Dragon Gym Leader (or I assume that's what he is,) and we talk to the man in the angora sweater-robe. His hair is taunting us, and I am afraid of its powers. Silly hair pushes past me... sorry, Silly Green hair, you really have to be specific in these things and then we... leave?... What?

No sooner are we outside than I get a call, or C-mail, or whatever they're calling it in this game.

Pants to you too, doc.
Professor Bladdernut just seems to be yelling my name over and over again... yeah, I think I saw a porno that started like this, once... Ok, probably closer to twenty or thirty times, but I've still seen it, and that's the point.

Now call me crazy, but I'm not too happy with us leaving the cave then and there, and I'm going to head back in and take a look around before I go to... maybe the professor's house, we'll see.

Yep, there was nothing.

That's it for today! come back tomorrow when we try to figure out what the professor wanted!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 28 (Ok, where the hell is Jareth?)

Argh, one-way paths. They're always a good time.
I already hate this damn room. For those of you that don't want to look it up, the correct way to get to the item in this room is down, middle path, up, up and over to the Pokeball. What's the item? No clue, so that means I already had one. Anyway, when you want to get across, take the bottom of the three ramps to the left side of the room and head up the stairs... Yes, I know this room isn't complicated, but I still hate these ramp rooms. Too many memories from Pokemon Silver for the original game boy.

Anyway, head up the stairs and out the door into the next room, which will lead you to...

Weird place to hold a con. And the cosplayers all look kind of samey this year.
A tremendous clusterfuck. Oh boy! Well, I wanted to fight some trainers so this isn't so bad, and besides that, I like money. The Plasma goons aren't that bad... you know, they probably wouldn't actually call them goons, since they're knights. I bet they'll end up being squires or something, which would be kind of cool. Anyway they're not too bad of a fight as I make my way through what looks like it would have one time been known as the M.C. Escher room, but they never got past building the first two dimensions. That's what happens when you build a dungeon on a budget. It's a fairly straight line so no pictures, and then I head up the stairs to...

Hey, this is actually kind of clever!
What the hell am I looking at here?

It's a circle! It's a maze! It's a top, apparently!

It's also pretty straight forward as well, and you just have to do a little bit of backtracking if you want to be able to get all of the items on this level. Up the stairs at the end and there's another tremor, as well as a very angry looking speech balloon, which is a bad sign. Remember kids, when you see an angry looking word balloon, it's a good sign that it's time to save.

'You can't leave yet! You haven't seen our skit!'See?

Just to keep you informed, Plasma fight one has two Pokemon in the thirties, fight two has one at level thirty-four, battle three has two at level thirty-three, and battle four has one at level thirty-four. I beat the piss out of them with a bird, and they all back off like the little bitches they are. I head up the stairs and...

Zekrom, the utterly badass Pokemon.Ok, whatever is going on here is awesome... I hope these pictures look as amazing as the video, because this is, as I have said, totally awesome.

If the Pokemon Green sprites are cheesy `60s kaiju suits, Zekrom is one of the spiffy modern ones.
So very, very aw...

Of course it's N. Pokemon-stealing bastard.
Oh you son of a bitch! Get away from that Pokemon, I want him! Wait, where are you going?! Come back here!

The little bastard stole that Legendary right out from under me! Or he had it all along, I don't know, and I don't care! I'm now officially sick of N and his BS, whoever he turns out to be! Anyway, he flies off with the most amazing Pokemon that I have ever seen, and leaves me with the Librarian and the ice ninja. They escort me back outside and talk for a while about fuck knows what, I don't care, I just had a Legendary stolen out from under me and I miss it. Guy who until recently I thought was the fire gym leader comes up to talk about something that's important, I'm sure.

I only recently thought about that, though. Since the first gym is either grass, fire or water, that means the last gym couldn't be fire, because then there could be two in the same game... That being said, I bet that this guy turns out to be a Dragon-type gym leader... Just a guess, though.

After a bit of talking everyone wanders off, leaving me alone with Blubbertush McThunderbutt, and I wander away from her as quickly as possible. A quick stop at the Pokemon center, and I've gathered my gear and I'm heading off to the next town!

Tomorrow. I hope you all enjoyed the post, sorry it was a short one. I'll make up for it tomorrow, hopefully!

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 27 (Dead or alive, you're coming with me.)

Well it's outside the door to the gym, and these two goobers are waiting for me.

Hey, it's Cheren and Star Destroyer Hips! I mean Belle!
I am so sick of these guys right now... They babble at me for a time, then the gym leader comes out and starts to talk to them about... something, probably important, or talking about how goddamn awesome I am, as he should.

Then suddenly, fucking ninjas everywhere!

Seriously, look up 'Victor Borge Phonetic Punctuation' on YouTube. Makes ellipse-happy JRPGs so much more fun.
The ninjas talk about N for a while, I think, then disappear. Gym leader then heads off with Cheren and leaves me with Huge-ass, which I don't think is fair at all. I head to the north to follow them, so they don't leave me alone with Fatfattyfatfat Ass, and run into these.
Kojofuu, the Kung-Pooh Pokemon.
It looks like Winnie the Pooh and a Hostess Snowball had a child... and it should have been aborted. His name is Kojofuu, but I'm going to call him Pooh, because that's what he looks like... A big one, too.

And I don't know what the hell this thing is supposed to be, but it's awesome.

Kurimugan, the Ski-Mask Dragon Pokemon.
It's Kurimugan, but I'm calling him Draco, because he's fucking amazing. This guy will eventually make it into my party, but that's going to be a long time away.

Also finally caught one of these little guys.

Emonga, the Adorable Thundersquirrel Pokemon.
He's not anything I'll be using, to be honest, but he's just cute... Which is what I'm going to call him. His actual name is Emonga, just so we're clear.

OH! That's something I almost forgot to mention that's going to be important. In the city with the electric gym, in the top left building there's a little kid sitting at a table. Talk to him and he gives you HM 04, which as far as I can tell is Strength. I wish I had found it the first time I went through, because I'm sure I've passed a number of places that I could use it. Really, I feel kind of dumb to have not talked to him, but I'm glad I came back to this town to look around and see if I missed anything... Guess I should go and scour everywhere to make sure I didn't miss anything else.

Anyway, rather than standing in one place and power leveling for ages, I've decided to simply move forward and see what comes up. It seems to want me to go north of the town, even though the route should continue east from here, so let's get moving.

Oh boy, here comes Belle.
Well, it looks like I'm supposed to go into some strange, dark and foreboding woods... I'm ok with that. Belleiant Ass (that's a combination of the character's name, Belle, and her description, Giant Ass) comes up to me and the stranger in front of me and they begin some sort of long, drawn out conversation, possibly about the weather, or sports, but I don't know or care to be honest. I want to get to the next gym and get that badge! They talk for a bit more, then the strange man walks up to me and hands me something, possibly dirty underpants, possibly pornography, I can't tell... Ok, it may have been Old Gateau, but I'm only basing that off of the picture. It could also have been a spiked tail, but that's the only other item I don't recognize.

What do you mean you don't want to fight? You're a low-level goon! It's what you do! It's ALL you do!

Of course Team Plasma is here! Oh joy!... No, seriously, joy. I didn't power level my pokemon, so fighting these guys will be a really good way to get them a bit higher up in levels... Except this one doesn't want to fight, and seems a bit distraught. I move my way farther up the path and take a look around to see what I can find.

Hope you've got a couple bottled fairies handy, Pants.

And the answer is apparently the Water Temple from one of the Zelda games. Well that's fine, I just need to find where my Zora flippers are, and I'll be ready to take this place on. I make my way inside and continue along the extremely linear path until I get to a flight of stairs... which is when the lights go out, or at least down, and there's some sort of earthquake. No biggy, I have Flash... No, wait, I don't need Flash, I'm just brain damaged and was looking at the screen wrong.

Yes, I just left in several sentences about me making a completely idiotic mistake. Why? Because it's funny as hell to me, and funny is what we're going for.

And Cheren is here as well, which I guess makes sense, since I was following him up this way to see what he was doing... Or that's probably what I was doing, for all I know they told me to come this way and pick spring onions. Anyway, once he's done talking and runs out of the room I'm left to follow him, which is simple enough. either head to the right side of the room and walk up the broken pillars, or push the rock into the hole and take the stairs.

And then, I started running into these guys.

Gobitto, the Pokemon you mistake for Tony Stark.
I'm calling him Robo, but his name is actually Gobitto, which means something, I'm sure. He is awesome for so many reasons, I can't wait until I find out what he actually is. But that's going to have to wait, I'm sorry to say. I'm calling it here since it's getting a bit late, so just hang in there and tomorrow we'll probably move one door to the left!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 26 (And now for something completely different. A walkthrough.)

There are pools of water on the bottom edge of the town, so with my newly acquired Surf, I decided to take a look around for a moment or two.

Maggyo's subtitle is the 'Trap Pokemon.' Um.
Look at this thing. I'm calling him Dfish, which means Durp-Fish. It's really called Maggyo, but I'm not sure that even matters with a face like that.

Chobomaki appears to be the Mahi Mahi Pokemon.
I also managed to catch this guy, and he's any not better. I'm calling him Cliss, short for Clam Kiss, but Chobomaki definitely fits it better... I guess.

Moving on, I step foot inside of a house next door to what I'm pretty sure is the Gym for this city, and I'm instantly met by a crazy woman who rushes up to me at top speed, then drags me the house the rest of the way. I talk to her increasingly insane family for a few more moments, then one of those boxes pops up from the previous Pokemon games where you have to pick words like, "everyone happy" and "Wi-fi Connection," to unlock something. I think I picked the wrong word, but the man gave me an item of some sort for my trouble. I'd really like to know what happened if I had gotten it right.

Directly south of the Gym is what I think is a Pokemon fan club, because they asked to see one of my Pokemon, then gave me a TM for my trouble. I'm ok with this, and anyone that wants to give me a TM should feel free to do so.

Anyway, here's what I think is the Gym.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and assume this is the Ice-type Pokemon Gym.
Guess I'll go in and find out.

Yup, Ice Gym.
Oh lovely, another ice puzzle. The first thing I should mention is that when you take a step forward, there's a curved piece of wall that sends you skidding at an angle. I have a feeling that's going to be the gimmick for this Gym, and I've got to find a way to make it move.

One day, if I live long enough, JRPGs and Pokemon in particular will outgrow the ice puzzle.
Yep, pretty sure that I was right. This Gym seems pretty linear so far, and I don't mind that, because some times they can get overly complicated. Ice Gym in Ruby and Sapphire, I'm looking at you.

After you flip the switch you end up hitting another curve, and then having to fight another trainer, then go up a set of stairs to hit this.

Skijump! Wish he had skis...
Yes, it is a combination slip and slide ski jump, and it launches you over to the next trainer. After you beat him, take the ice straight across, then up, then to the right so that you're against the flat side of the curved thing you need to find the switch for. From there you'll want to head up, fight the trainer there, then head down and to the right.

That should put you here.

'Wow, this is almost like a real walkthrough!' -AngeliqueDaemon
Head to the bottom of the path and head left, which will bounce you off of the angled wall, and send you down to a platform directly below the switch you're looking for. Head up and hit the switch, then up again, to the left, and down so that you hit the curved wall again.

This will send you to another set of stairs going up, and another ski jump thing. From there head left on to the ice, then up, right, up, right, up, up to the platform with the trainer and switch on it, fight trainer, on to the switch, then head to the right and hit the curved wall.

From there you just head left, then down, then left, and up, and you end up here.

Frosty the Gym Leader is a happy, jolly Pokesoul.
Yep, that's a gym leader.

Judging from his clothes, Hachiku here must be half-Japanese.
A silly looking gym leader at that.

With the Icicle Badge, Pokemon up to Level 80, even those obtained in a trade, will obey you!
Tadah! Honestly, with a level 45+ fire Pokemon as the leader of your party, this gym shouldn't give you any trouble. All of the Pokemon here died in about one hit, some times one and then a dark attack to take out the last sliver of health.

The way out of the Gym is fairly straight forward, just head down and to the left, and there's a ramp that takes you right back to the start of the Gym.

That's it for today, just keep reading. Only one Gym left to go, then onward and upward to the elite 4!