We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 8

Now with a Clederpy under my belt... I mean, in my computer box, I can continue on into the wild green yonder. Wait... wasn't that the last Futurama movie? Oh well, my point stands, and we're moving on. On this route of weird, random inaccessible hills, I've also managed to pick up a Sandshrew, which I'm pretty sure I'll ignore... or maybe I'll use it... I dunno, it has good defense, and it's a good HM slave... I dunno, we'll see.

Upon seeing the guy with the afro, I have deduced that I'm in Cerulean City, home of the water gym, Misty, and later in the game, and the really only important thing about this place, MewTwo. This is also the home of the Bike shop, and their hundred million dollar bicycle. Right. You know, I don't want to get TOO graphic here, but that bike better not only make me lose weight like a main character in a Stephen King novel, it better pleasure me carnally as well. Where the HELL do you get the bike voucher? I guess this means it's time to start talking to people... I'm going to get yelled at some more. *sigh*

Well I seem to have run into some fat, bald man and he wants 8 of something I think... but I don't know what it is, and I don't know what the options I'm given are... and the only person that can really make heads or tails of these mysterious runes has gone to bed. Shit. Time to back out, and hope I didn't screw anything up. There's also some old guy that wants a pokemon of mine, but I really have no idea what he wants, so I think maybe I should just ignore him, at least for now.

Anyway, considering that I'm in a city with a gym, I suppose I should go kick the gym's ass, it only makes sense... unless this is one of those gyms where you have to jump down turn around and pick a bail of cotton before you can fight it. I HATE those gyms. Anyway, time to head in and find out. As it turns out, I CAN just walk in and start shit, so that's good news. The first person up is a male swimmer, and he's only as derpy as they were in the American Red and Blue, but his first pokemon, Horsea... yeah. Do you ever watch those cake shows on Food Network? You know, either the challenge shows or Ace of Cakes? Horsea kinda looks like a cake of a Horsea, but really badly done, like with the head impaled on a dowel and shoved into the body, which is just a cylinder, and then a little curly wire sitting in front of it and covered in rice crispy treat and fondant to make a tail.

Kerry Vincent would NOT approve of this Horsea.

Shellder on the other hand, looks like a spikey clam with a tongue... in other words, there's no real change to it, so I don't see a point for a picture. The important thing here is that my Ivyderp made short work of them, and it's time to move over to the other trainer. Strangely enough, despite the down right scary appearance of the camper trainer, the picknicker looks pretty much normal, though her legs have a bad case of the spaghetti. Her pokemon is a Goldeen, and it looks pretty... well like a Goldeen. The horn's a bit longer, and like the Shellder, it's at a different angle, but those are the only real changes. Despite it's Confuse cheatery, I whip a bitch into shape with my vine, and move along.

Misty spends some time yelling at me, but eventually she gets down to business for a fight. She looks meaner than I remember, and furthermore, ten year olds shouldn't wear two pieces. Has anyone else ever noticed that the younger a female in a Japanese anime/manga/game, the less she wears? The only exception I can think of off the top of my head is The Get Backers, where Hevn, the oldest female reoccurring character, breaks every public decency law possible, but get away with it because she doesn't have nipples, and Trinity Blood... but that's pretty much entirely because most of the women you see in that one are either nuns, or related to the Catholic Church in some way.

Little young for a two-piece there, Misty.

Anyway, her first pokemon is a Staryu, and it's... it's a Staryu. What do you want? It's a freaking fairy princess wand topper, with it's star shape, and gold set 'jewel', always has been, likely always will be. It goes down hard before the terrible might of my Squeak Rat (that's Pikachu, or Pikaderp, for those playing the home game) and it's onto her next pokemon. Starmie, like it's pre-evolution, is still itself. More points, and bigger jewel than Staryu, but it's still the same Starmie we all feel uncomfortable about looking us in the eyes and smiling. ... Did that... did that just pee on me? I think that starfish PEED on me! Well I'm not going to stand for THAT! And I make good on that claim when I take it out. See? That's what happens when you pee on me! You get electrocuted to DEATH! You contemplate that, you stupid antenna topper, and think twice before peeing on me again!

After defeating Misty, she gives me a giant pile of cash, her wad easily bigger than Brock's (think about that, I dare you), and I'm strangely fine with that. I mean, sure she has stupid hair, but it's nothing a brush and hiding her hair ties won't fix. The important thing is, she's ten, Red's ten, and she's not Brock. I can't stress that enough. Of course she's not Green either, but no one's perfect.

Speak of the devil, as I head north, who should arrive, but Green! Hey man, I was just talking about you, it's good to... Well geez, you don't have to shout, I'm RIGHT in front of you. I mean, unless you just WANT to scream my name that is... Alrighty then, I guess you just want to yell at me. That's fine... I didn't expect anything else out of you, Green, you mean old poopie head. The first out of his gate is his Pidgeotto... and by coincidence, that's who I have in front of my party too. It's the battle of the titanic birds! Everyone run for your lives, and for the love of God, hide the bug pokemon! A single bite might put them at critical mass, and then we'll all be destroyed in a massive nuclear bird-splosion! Luckily, his fatty fat fat bird is too stupid to use Quick Attack, so I take it down. After that is... Darth Abra apparently?

It's over, Abra! I have the high ground!

Nidorino! He is your father! Search your drug cabinet until that makes sense to you! Like Pidgeotto, Abra seems to have a serious case of the pudge going on, and I guess that happens when you spend all your time sleeping... though if he's asleep all the time, you'd think he wouldn't be eating, which would make his thinner... I'm confused. Either way it's Nidorino's mighty horn for the win. Hey, Darth Abra... I don't think he believed you... or maybe he just didn't keep LSD stocked in his drug cabinet. Derpmander provides no problem, likely because his sorry flaming butt hasn't evolved yet, and after the obese birdy battle, Nidorino mops up the rest of Green's stock... which prompts more yelling. Dude, I keep telling you, I would rather be playing, and doing kid things, likely with you, than running around here participating in some kind of horrendous legalized cock fighting (hee hee, I said cock), but it's not like I have a choice. I guess I'll just have to use the wad of money you've given me to dry my tears. He's given me less money though... does that mean... could there be... IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE GREEN?!?! Or... are you just burning through money in order to take care of yourself and your pokemon, and therefore have less disposable income? You know, I think I'll believe the latter... not because it makes more sense, but because you still give me PILES more than any non-gym associated trainer.

After being yelled at some more, and watching Green strut his stuff away, I think it's time for a break. Everything suddenly turned ninety degrees to the right, which makes me think I have water in my inner ear or something. Whatever the case is, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Until then, remember... You can tell by the way Green uses his walk, he's a woman's man, no time to talk.

Two thousand internets to anyone that got that reference.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 10 (Bright lights, big tugboat.)

Caught this guy named Monmen right before I turned the game off last time, I named him Stach, short for muStache.

Monmen, the cloud mustache Pokemon.
Anyway, it seems that in these parts, trainers like to hide in piles of dirt, then jump out at you the second you start to pass by. This is nothing new, but the fact that they're all cowboys is... just odd to me. Meh, anyway, let's move on to trying to track down those Plasma Plebeians.

Who I finally find, sitting atop a hill, just waiting for me, like this is the most sane, natural thing to do... Some days I wonder what sort of criminal masterminds these people really are, but then I remember that this is just a kid's game, and I need to relax... That's Mystery Poke Theare 3000 for you.

Something that I just learned. It would appear that if your pokemon doesn't suffer from a status condition, they won't let you use a healing item on it that won't cure the condition. This is... it's just beautiful, man.

So I was able to beat the Plasma grunt pretty quickly, as all they had was a level 16 Squirk, but I didn't notice anything special for beating them. Guess I'll make my way back to the north path, and join the person who could very well be number four of the Elite 4... Then again, I doubt I would be encountering this game's Lance this early, so we'll have to see.

Lots of trainers on this route, I guess I should mention... That's cool, I like money and extra XP, so everything works out for me.

There's Mr. (Ms.?) Silly Hair again.
Well, no other Plasma people, but there's Mister Silly Hair waiting for me by the exit... Though now I'm wondering if he is in fact a she, because that would make the hair a good bit less silly. I attempt to talk to them, but they turn me away... I'm thinking it's a woman, now, but that's beside the point. I guess I've forgotten to do something important? Well, time to backtrack... everywhere.

Ahh, yeah, I missed a tree-tube to run through in the forest. It was dark, and the screen on my good old DS has been getting a bit darker lately. About time for a replacement, methinks. Anyway, I follow the tubes like the wooden internet, encounter one more creepy ninja cowboy, and run into another Plasma grunt. Is he the last one? Yes he is! And he had stolen a Dragonite skull from the museum! Creepy! Just as I'm done talking to him, a creepy old man comes up.

His name is... Asura? -Ed.
Lovely, now everything is creepy all around. He says something to the person, and then Bill/gym leader/Elite 4th comes up and interrupts as well. I'm so glad no one seems to care about what I'm thinking in this game, because they would probably back away from me slowly.

Ah! Now the second gym leader has run up and started talking to the other people. If we had a keg we would have a party on our hands, because I don't know about you, but when I see a drunk ten year-old, I know it's going to be one hell of a party. They talk at me for a bit longer, then sort of amble off unashamedly, not bothered by the fact that they just made a ten year-old boy do all of their grunt work... And why should they be? That's what kids are for, damn it!

In any event, the path out of the forest is clear so I decided to dash that way before they come back asking me to clean out their gutters or something.

Nice view!
I love this game... I love it so much right now, I just want to lick it... But that might corrupt my save, or at least void the limited warranty, so I don't.

Hey Roger, whaddaya call the middle of a song?
For a moment as I walk down what has to be the most stunning thing I have ever seen in a pokemon game, I briefly reconsider licking it, and settle on the screen since it needs cleaning anyway.

Gee, I don't know Benny-A BRIIIIIIIIDGE!

This is beautiful. Just beautiful. Words cannot describe how much the pokemon franchise needed something like this to kick a little life back into it, not that I think it's ever come close to dying. This is just a kick of love, from the creators, to the fans.

Lovely cityscape.
I love you, Gamefreak... Anyway, back to exploring!

Says something about Royal Isshu... Maybe Royal Isshu cruise lines? -Ed.
I came across a number of small things while exploring the main street that curves around the front of the city. The first is the ship pictured above, which I assume is something along the lines of the SS Anne, and I'll find a ticket to it later... The other thing that I managed to find was this.

The usual sightseer package: cross the bridge, see the harbor, get kidnapped...
When I spoke to the man waiting outside and agreed with what he said, I found myself being whisked away to parts unknown...

Find out what those parts are exactly next week! Smell ya later!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 9 (If you go out in the woods today, you're in for a big surprise.)

So before I ran off to see what was going on in the plot, I decided to do a quick bit of level grinding... that would be when I caught this little fella!

Otamaru, the earmuff Pokemon. Muffr to his friends.
Meet Muffr! I call him that because he looks like he's wearing ear muffs, but his actual name is Otamaru, and he's the first Water pokemon I've been able to catch! This little guy is going straight into the party, and getting his butt leveled up to fighting shape as soon as possible.

Then there's... his evolution....

Gamagaru, the Katamari Damacy character Pokemon.

He looks a little bit 'special', if you know what I mean. It might be the head covered in balls, or it might be the fact that he wiggles them back and forth at super speed, but yeah... Poor little guy.

Moving on, here's a new fighting type.

Dageki, now known as Bert. Who will be Ernie?
He sort of looks like what would have happened if they had made a "Muppets take Japan!" movie back in the day, but I still have to have him, so... I have him. Wonderful how that worked out, wasn't it? Yes, I named him Bert, but you can call him Dageki.

And then there's this guy...

Dokkora, the Caber Toss Pokemon.
I'm going to call him Woody, but again you can call him Dokkora.

Now, take a look at this lady right here...

Wandering healers who'll refresh your party once you beat them? Another Dragon Quest idea, this time from DQ Monsters! -Ed.

This trainer has one pokemon, that's all. When you beat her pokemon, from that point on if you talk to them they will heal your pokemon for FREE. This is one of the greatest ideas ever, but at the same time I think that those people out there that want to Nuzlocke run through Black will be a bit annoyed by them making the game too easy. I won't lie to you, I've attempted a Nuzlocke run before, but I failed.

Oh yes! I also had an evolution on my hands!

I think Pgen just joined the Goodfeathers.

Pgen became a bit of a bad ass, didn't he? I'm proud of this little guy, really I am. With my party leveled to 27, I decide that now would be a good time to get back to the plot... Remember that this game has a plot? I almost don't, because for you that was a few paragraphs and pictures, for me that was roughly ten hours of my life. Yes, ten hours. It would seem that the XP that scales with your level makes it rather hard to keep up, plus I had to level a number of level 10 pokemon.

Anyway, on with the story!

Umm, ok, so I talked to the gym leader and she continued to spin in circles, as one does, so I assumed that I had to head out of the town by the gate which she stood so I could track down Plasma... I was wrong, so I head back to town and begin to search in the other direction, and I think that it looks like I'm going to have to go into some evil looking woods.

I'd be right scared without this belt full of little murderers.

On the plus side, at least I'm sure I'll be able to catch a few bug type pokemon in there. I head inside and discover that it may or may not be woods actually, and in any case there's a paved road, and as we all know, pokemon hate roads. "???" meets me inside, and I note that he now has a name. From the music playing, I think we're either going to team up, or I'm going to have to battle him. Either works for me, to be honest.

Well I was wrong on both counts! It seems that he was trying to get across that he was going to head north to look for Plasma, and I should head to the west. I do so, since his silly hair seems to be wise and curly, and fight a pair of twin trainers who creep me out a little bit. Seriously, would you let two five year-olds wander around in woods filled with monsters and dangerous criminals, relying on two grass pokemon? Hell no! Grass is weak against bug type pokemon! You would need at least a fire type.

Anyway, I beat them and then rush forward because I see a Plasma goon, and he attacks me with...

Meguroko, the Badgigator Pokemon.
Is it a pool toy, or did someone stick an alligator head onto a badger? Anyway, nothing else happens after I beat him, so I continue down the path to see if there's anyone else to beat soundly... And yes, yes there are. Aside from a Plasma Knight, I also encounter... this guy...

Everyone knows forests in Amer... er, Isshu, are full of Cowboys!
Is he drunk? Is he high? Who knows! Either way he's wandering around the woods, dressed as a cowboy, with a pokeball attacked to the end of a rope... Well, at least he gave me a thousand bucks for my trouble, so I don't care how big of a dork he is. He also gave me a berry, which is nice I suppose, but I won't question why he did this, at least till I need a restraining order.

I also run into this little guy, and I'm forced to catch him... Why am I forced? Because I don't have him, that's why. His name? Bugsy, obviously.

Kurumiru. Is that a leaf-bonnet?
Not sure what Kurumiru means, but that seems to be his real name.

Ok, that's it for now. Sorry that there wasn't too much to this installment, but there will be more tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 8 (Now with 20% more museums!)

Cthulhu is a Pokemon!? Must be a Legendary.
It is not a Gym.

It is, however, completely awesome. Labcoat man takes me around the room and shows me the various displays, the most interesting of which I have photographed for you. This place has to be the best looking museum in any pokemon game to date. I'm actually boggled at all of the little things they threw in, but I won't go into great detail because apparently there's a giant ominous door here, and he wants me to go through it. Who am I to argue?

It's a Pokemon Gym AND a Museum! Awesome!Holy crap, it IS a Gym! That's even more awesome! Is this a Fossil Pokemon Gym? That's a great idea! Enough gabbing, I want to get to the gym leader and see what this guy can do!

I don't really have any idea what's going on right now... But I do know that I want to join this Gym.
I'm not really a Pokemon Trainer- I just like wearing labcoats.

Anyway, moving on!

This puzzle is confusing, and to be honest I'm not entirely sure what's going on anymore. I walk up to shelves and look at them, and now and then an exclamation mark will appear over my head to let me know that something happened which I can't tell what. One of the assistants will turn around at this time, and I may speak with them, and answer a question which may or may not get me attacked. Possibly something along the lines of, "Does my ass look big in this lab coat?" and the answer is yes.

Well, after what felt like an hour of wandering around and clicking on things, I decided to use the Scientific method for figuring out what to do... Wandering aimlessly, clicking on things, and then getting annoyed when people try to give me advice... Wait, sorry, that's the guy method of doing things, and as any guy will tell you, it eventually does yield results.

Yay, it's the Science Stairs of Doom!
Stairs. Just what I always wanted! So I guess I should head down and see what sort of evil awaits me...

Gym Leader!

Huh... that's not as evil as I thought it was going to be. Kind of cozy, actually. If this is what evil is like these days, sign me up! I will not make a comment about how this gym leader, according to the instruction booklet is of some sort of African of Caribbean decent, even though this is, I believe, the first official person of color in a Pokemon game. I will however mention that her hair is very silly, regardless of race, religion, or anime series.
Gym Leader Aloe. What has Japan wrought?
What have you done, Japan? What have you done?

So... that fight had a good deal more of me being beaten into a coma than I expected, but I did manage to pull it off by the skin of my Sqirk... Which sounds a lot dirtier than I expected. After the battle she talks to me for a moment, and I watch as the hot girl in the lab coat runs in, talks to her, and they run off like crazy people to do... something. I have no idea.
Team Plasma strikes again!
Of course it's the Knightly Order of Plasma. They're like ants at a picnic, or herpes sores, showing up when you least want to see them, and doing nothing but being a pain in the ass.

Team Plasma stole Cthulhu's head. Bastards!

Screw you Plasma, screw you!

That pisses me off, because even if this gym leader is a bit silly, that was the best looking gym I've seen in ages! I am going to make you eat that chain mail! I rush outside as quickly as I'm allowed, running into the gym leader and seeing... someone else, apparently. He has a "???" name, so I can only guess that he's either a good guy, likely a future gym leader or a "Bill" character, and he's telling us where Plasma went. After a moment or two more, the blond girl with hips that can span the Grand Canyon comes up, followed close behind by Librarian. I really hope this isn't a fight, because all but one of my pokemon are currently bleeding inside of their pokeballs.

Well, the old gym leader runs off and so does mister "???", leaving me with Librarian and Wideass. Thunder Thighs then gives me...

My katakana skills tell me this is the Dowsing Machine. -Ed.
Is that a freaking Giga Pet? Did it suddenly turn into 1996 in here when I wasn't looking? Oh well, I'm going to guess that it's the item dowser, and ignore it for the moment. Anyway, my buddies run into the gym after a moment or two, and I guess I should follow after them... But that'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Check in again, we'll see this game through to the end!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 7 (Double your pleasure, double your fun.)

I was actually on my way out of the cave when I ran into this little guy.

Moguryuu/Moley: think we should teach him Dig?Just look at him. Isn't he great? I'm calling him Moley, though the real name of his breed is Moguryuu. I thought that Ryuu meant some sort of dragon, but I guess that it could also mean mole... Brings a whole new aspect to Street Fighter, doesn't it?

I make a quick trip back to town to stock up on some Super Balls... or at least that's what they look like to me, and it eats a big enough hole in my cash that they had better be Super Balls, then make my way down the new route.

As I make my way through it, I run into Librarian, who is standing in the middle of a field of grass. This is only strange in the pokemon world in that he isn't shuffling back and forth like a madman, cursing about low encounter rates. The second I come into view he scurries out and talks to me, then runs off as quickly as he came... Sure Librarian, whatever you say. Shine on you crazy diamond.

And then this happened.

Two Wild Pokemon at once? MADNESS!This is a wild two pokemon encounter, my first I might add... Could this be what Librarian was telling me about? Did he doubt my ability to fight two pokemon at the same time? I doubt it, given the number of times I've wiped the floor with him. Anyway, moving on!

It's likely sad that even in a new generation with new graphics, I can still recognize when a pokemon is using Harden, isn't it? Oh well, at least he leveled up my Yanappu, which is all that really matters to me. I reach town number two and I'm met on the train tracks here by Librarian, who wants to show me around the town... Or he wants me to walk three steps with him, then hand me a small pile of berries. That's cool, I can dig berries... As soon as I learn where to plant them.

And then I spot the Gym...

Maybe it's a Pokemon Courthouse. Or Museum. Hanging out in a Gym all the time has to get boring...
Or at least what I can only assume is a Gym, since it's the largest, fanciest building in town. As I attempt to go inside, I'm met again by our strange little friend, N.

N returns! Hey, at least you can recognize his name.
Yes, I think this guy might be stalking me. Him and his... increasingly odd Pokemon.

Don't know what an Otamaro is, but it's odd.

Dokkora has been studying jerky-fu under Ray Park for years.

Is that... lumber, or beef jerky? I honestly can't tell. Anyway, after the battle N starts to leave, then stops in order to leave me with an important bit of information.

...something about... understanding power? -Ed.
I'm really glad he told me about that, because I know I'll need to know it later on.

That's it for today dear readers, tomorrow I shall tackle the Gym! If any of my pokemon still know Tackle.


Monday, October 11, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 6 (Half pig, half bat, all badass.)

Mamepato, hereafter referred to as Pgen.
Hells yeah! I'm gonna call this little guy Pgen! Why? Because he's a P Gen... pigeon?... not even a little funny? *cough* Anyway, I'm glad that I finally found a flying type, because this is the first one I've come across, and I always like to keep one in my party. His real name is Mamepato, for those of you that are interested in facts.

And then there's this guy.
Shimama, the blinky horse!I'm going to call him Borse, because the lightning bolt on the top of his head Blinks, and he's a Horse... huh? Come on, it's not a bad name. Besides, there wasn't enough space for Beebra. His name is Shimama, which... probably means something, or is a play on words in Japan. Most pokemon are, so I'm told. Anyway, I didn't do too much level grinding in the area before I set off, since my pokemon still seem to be at a good fighting level, and I don't want to leave everyone bored and waiting. Speaking of which.

Could you be sick of Zubats one square to your north, please?
I see the Librarian standing in front of the opening of a cave, and I wonder to myself why he's simply standing there... Then, the answer strikes me.


I really can't blame him for not wanting to go into the cave. He hasn't heard that Zubats aren't in this game, but I have... Or at least I heard that as a rumor, and I'm really hoping that it turns out to be true, because I don't think anyone can stand them anymore. Still, I'll venture inside and see what awaits!

... Or I'll talk to him, and say yes to something, which will make him run into the cave in front of me. I guess I frightened him off, heh.

I'm not entirely sure what's going on here, but from the position of the word balloon, I believe that I just ran into the cave, and said my own name to someone I supposedly grew up with... Sure, why not. Can I fight something now?

So the Librarian fought one, then I fought one by myself. No biggy, they're using level twelve pokemon, mine are still level eighteen to twenty... But then, I made a magical discovery!
Team Plasma has taken the Synchronized Derping trophy six years running!

They look even stupider in pairs, like some sort of demented interpretative dance squad, or frightening strippers. So we beat them, and I swear to you, I took no more than one step when this thing attacked.

Koromori: is it some kind of bat-winged turkey?I... I think I might miss Zubat. He's also a bit tough, since I'm still leveling my Yanappu (Dunky) and he's a grass type. Still, I'm eight levels higher than him, so it wasn't a fair fight. I head back out and see that the blond girl with a huge butt is standing with the little kid, who I talk to. He gives me a couple of Heal Balls for the trouble, so I think I actually did pretty well.

I have also decided that I love seeing my character's name in the middle of a sentence... Just look at it.

ほんと Pants たちと ともだちで よかった!!
Now I'm a bit confused though. I don't know if I'm supposed to go back through the cave to see what's inside, or if I'm supposed to head south in the now cleared of big fannies path... I think I'll try my luck with the cave.

Nothing, but I did come out with a TM, and Pigba, or Koromori as he's actually called, which is a kind of cool name.
Okay, that looks a lot more pig-nosed battish in this photo. -Ed.

Dangoro. I doubt that's Japanese for back end of a cat, but who can say?And this guy, who's real name is Dangoro, but I'm calling Phinc, because of his close resemblance to the backside of my cat... Yes, it's short for sPhincter. No, I am not planning to use either of these pokemon any time soon, but you have to fill out that Pokedex!

That's it for today! More tomorrow, I'm sure!