We don't always like being nonplussed

Friday, December 31, 2010

Torneko 25: Year's End

Let's see, where did we leave off? My (Torneko's) wife has built herself a financial empire, literally out of Torneko's (my) blood, toil, tears and sweat. She's expanded our house several times and, once she was sick of it, built herself a loft above the huge shop I paid to have built in the middle of town. Or rather, she paid. With my money, but that doesn't seem to be an important distinction to her or anyone else in town. I'm almost certain the shop is named Nene-Mart. Meanwhile, there is a young, blond man named Mondo, a man of Torneko's approximate roundness who Mrs. Taloon is having "take care of" our old house. I have to wonder what else he's "taking care of" for Torneko. He/I am out beating up the horrors of the underworld and all I can picture for her life is The Real Housewives of Lance Town.

...huh? Oh yeah, the dungeon. I'm on Floor 22. Just to recap: I have no healing items, no offensive items but my sword and shield, and nearly no HP, but a lot of (mostly moldy) bread.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Torneko 24: I'm too busy being dead to have MY midlife crisis!

50,000 Gold, huh? I never thought that putting my kid through college would mean building the Goddamn college myself. But if nothing else, my wife is now allowing me to take my bread plus three other items into the dungeon- it'll help.

Turns out I'm living above the big shop now! Not too shabby. There's an exit to town to the right now, which I'll take in a bit.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Torneko 23: HOW Much!?

Floor 22 is a big maze so far. I forget what these guys are, but he just lowered my Power max by 1. That earns him a Fire Breath Herb to the FACE. ...which is not enough to kill and costs me another point of Power. Dammit! But then I drop the beast, so all's well for now. I pull a stupid and attack a Gigantes when another hit would end me, but by sheer luck it misses. Pay more attention, Torneko.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Torneko 21: Tactics and Traps

Okay, only 6K left to scrape together before Nene-Mart can open its doors and drive all the small merchants out of business across the globe. Or whatever my wife's doing now. Let's hit it.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Mother (earthbound 0) Flailthrough - Day 3 (crackheads are frightening.)

Ok, starting off this week I guess I should admit that I asked for a hint from a friend. I know, it isn't something I like to do either, but I've noticed that enough of the game is so different that I would end up stuck if I didn't. My friend is thankfully a reader, so all he told me was that I should go and speak with the pet store man in the department store, say yes, then say no... I don't know what this did, so I guess it wasn't too bad of a cheat.

Now comes my trying to figure out where the heck I go from here.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas! So what did you get?

That Guy's Mother Flailthrough will return tomorrow! Until then, all of us at Flailthroughs wish everyone a Merry Christmas, a Happy New Year, and Happy Holidays.

It was a good Christmas for games: I got Final Fantasy: 4 Heroes of Light from That Guy and AngeliqueDaemon! She got him a Pokemon Mystery Dungeon game and its matching guide; he got her Dragon Quest IX. I got her DQIV, and him Final Fantasy V Advance and a Pokemon Emerald guide. Plus, That Guy is almost ready to get himself a PS3, so this opens another channel for import gaming for the site! (Plus I'll finally be able to play Disgaea 3.) Here's hoping everybody else got something new to play too!

Friday, December 24, 2010

Torneko Day 20: Worst. Death. EVER.

Alright, time to head back in so I can pay for my wife's car dealership or whatever the hell. I don't think Torneko is Ignorance, but his wife is totally Want.

Heh heh. A Dragon Shield +5 is enough that I'm taking 0 damage from slugs and Slimes. I'm doing pretty well outside of needing bread. And a sword. I have found plenty of healing herbs and Sleep Staves, though, so I'm holding up. Plus I run across an Escape Scroll, so that helps too.


I just pulled an incredible stupid you guys. I'm dying of hunger, and letting my HP run down before I take an Herb to get my HP back to full and my Stamina back to 5%. And I run facefirst into a Chimaera. It does 10 damage to me, leaving me at 1HP. Now, I have a Sleep staff, so I decide it's smarter to put it under first so I don't lose 10 of the HP I'm going to the trouble of restoring. So I put the Chimaera to sleep.

Except I'm starving, and every turn costs me 1HP.

You can guess what happens next.

This is absolutely the STUPIDEST way I have EVER died in a videogame in the history of ever, and here I am recording it for posterity. I lose my kickass Dragon Shield and my Power Ring. There's other goodies in the vault, but that was so. Damn. DUMB.

6000 Gold left to get for my wife to start franchising Nene's Bar in other towns, or something. Monday!

Sorry for the short post, but there's cookies to bake and presents to unwrap here at Flailthrough Headquarters. Merry Christmas to everybody celebrating, and have a good weekend one and all!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Torneko Day 19: The Grand Tour(neko)

I sit in a corner to heal and eat a small Bread to get my Stamina back, and then move on. I'm doing okay, but unless I come across some more healing and/or Fire Breath herbs I have my doubts about withstanding five more floors of this. Hell, I have my doubts about THIS floor.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Torneko Day 18: Stop the music!

Hot damn! The first room of Floor 20 nets me an Escape Scroll. I've got a couple herbs again too, and the Ikazuchi Staff is great for taking out otherwise-resilient, high XP-yield Golems. What I really need though, if I'm to get to Floor 27, is some BREAD.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Torneko Day 17: A New Ring and a New Record!

Okay. So, my wife's running my shop, and now she has a bar. Isn't it going to be a tremendous drain on her time, as a busy entrepeneur, if she's having to nurse my portly, bludgeoned ass back to health every other day?

What I'm suggesting, honey, is that it'd be better for the business all around if I took an early retirement.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Dragon Quest VI: It's almost time!

With Christmas almost here I look ahead as retailers do (and check for the candy on December 26th if you don't believe me) to Valentine's Day. Why? Well, as the precursor to the next installment of Discount Candy Day* it's always pleasant to see. But more importantly, Tiny Cartridge reports that Valentine's Day is when we get Dragon Quest VI: Realms of Revelation for the DS in North America. This is big, exciting news to me, since DQVI is the very last of the mainline Dragon Quest games that has never been released in English. Tactics Ogre PSP is due the same day- frankly I'm going for DQVI first, but I doubt that'll surprise anyone...

*Discount Candy Day is the happiest, most cost-effective time of year. It's also the only holiday to come four times a year, on February 15th, whatever the Monday after Easter is, November 1st, and December 26th.

Torneko Day 16: Neat Ring! And I AM a mortal man doomed to die, so...

Well, one important thing I've learned about my mystery ring: it keeps me from getting hungry. I'm still at 100% Stamina after exploring the first floor completely. Two crucial aspects of this boon: I don't have to carry bread, and I can idle to recover HP with no penalties. Floor 27 is looking like an actual possibility now.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Mother (Earthbound 0) Flailthrough - Day 2 (Ha ha, Racism isn't funny.)

We begin out next trip by setting out of the house for the first time... and I have to say, I'm a bit underwhelmed. There's a whole lot of nothing outside, and aside from my trusty dog, who isn't as trusty as he was in the SNES version and won't travel with me, I see almost nothing. I start to think that this means no random battles, but then I remember that this is the NES, not the SNES, and that the encounters may not appear on the screen. About that time, I'm attacked by this guy right here.

Meh. x7
I'm going to call him the Apathetic Centipede, because he appears to be shrugging. He's not too much of a fight to be honest, though he does do more damage to me than anything I've battled so far.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mother (Earthbound 0) Flailthrough - Day 1 (Well this is a bad acid trip.)

Well readers, it's time for me to begin my next review, and I decided that this time around I would go with a classic that was never released in the good old US of A... Nor any other country outside of Japan, for that matter. The game I'm talking about is of course... (this is where there should be a dramatic drum roll, so imagine one right here. Freaking sweet, isn't it?)


In accordance with the Flailthroughs Pledge: Behold the actual Mother cart being used for this review!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Torneko Day 15: The workers are going home.

Hey, it's a Golem! It's also asleep and I'm hideously underleveled now, so it can keep sleeping. ...wise choice since one approaches me in the next room while I'm caught in a Bear Trap, and does 27 damage to me. Fire Breath Herb does it in, and it's worth a whopping 180XP. Hope I don't have to do that again...

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Torneko Day 14: Couldn't I just run Ed Sullivan clips and Doo Wop concerts?

It's a beautiful day in Mystery Dungeon land! For those who didn't read yesterday's post: Torneko managed to get out of the dungeon without being dead, and handed a lot of stuff over to his wife to sell in the shop. A rare occasion indeed! And now it's back into the dungeon to get killed again.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Torneko Day 13: Three Lives are just the Beginning.

Well, the new dungeon might be harder. Liclicks on the third or fourth floor multiply, corner me and wipe me out. Pity, too- I had a pretty good store of items there. Good news is that safe-looking item isn't required to keep my money safe- not all of it anyway, since 140 of what I got in there went towards our current savings goal. I think that's half of what I'd gotten but I'm not certain. Either way, I'm going back!

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Torneko Day 12: Home Improvement

One thing to note: the 13 whole Gold I was carrying has gone into whatever it is the note on the bedside is talking about. I almost wish I'd died sooner, because a damn Bag o' Laughs robbed me blind right before the Chimaera got me. Another thing I've discovered on my way back down in the Mystery Dungeon is that some of the scrolls occasionally have a better effect than normal: an ID scroll can randomly ID everything you have, and I think the Oomph and Buff scrolls will occasionally give you +3 to attack or defense other than the usual +1. I'm not back to floor 13 yet, but I'm doing a lot better this time. When I hit Floor 10 that one weird item is back, and I think it's what preserved my gold when I died- I see the world "gold" in the description, anyway.

Another important thing I've found out: Zombies' bad breath doesn't rot your bread. It corrodes your shield. My Dragon Shield is a -4 before I even know it. Argh! I reach the floor 13 stairs underleveled and starving, so I decide the hell with it and head down to 14 before I die. Let's see if I can gather more money before I cash it in, so to speak...

Monday, December 13, 2010

Torneko Day 11: A Short Life but not a Merry One.

...There's an old lady living in my house now. If that's my mother-in-law I am about to catch so much hell for continually dying before I can bring home any money.

Speaking of our favorite arms merchant...

It's not quite time for the next Torneko no Daiboken post, but I felt like it was worth mentioning that Torneko Taloon is this week's special guest downloadable to Dragon Quest IX! He'll be staying in one of the special suites at the Quester's Rest if you connect to DQVC, and will give you the gift of various parts of his outfit! (Well, copies. Which is good- I really don't have any desire to see him without them, you know?)

The first part you get no matter what, the second you get for having canvassed 30 guests and fully expanded the Rest (Good luck with that- this isn't downtown Tokyo, Squenix!). The last two pieces you get for it being your birthday (Or, eh-heh, the DS thinking it's your birthday...) and for speaking to Torneko while your hero is a Ranger. Pity none of the character creator body types are quite chunky enough to pull it off. (Also, the only way to get a mustache on a character is to equip it as headgear.)

And on another Dragon Quest-related note: have you seen these adorable DQ bath balls at Tiny Cartridge? Slime-shaped bath balls would be cute enough, but Slime bath balls with SD DQI monster figurines inside? Spectacular. It's enough to make a man regret that he showers all the time.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 22

Alright kiddies, we're going into Cerulean Cave today, and if that doesn't just thrill you down to your toes, then maybe this will... Except for the Mew update in the distant future (I'm not kidding, it'll probably be months or something with my lazy ass) you won't have to hear from me ever again... I mean, you know, right up until I end up having to do another weekend feature. Why another weekend feature? Because as my father was fond of saying: "That girl has a lot of quit in her". Case and point, this review and how long it's taken me. I has the lazy, deal with it.

Now with my rambling out of the way, let's get this shit rolling, shall we?

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 21

Just to get it out of the way, I know what I said the weekend before last, but there's been a slight scheduling change. I'll actually be making the Elite Four and Cerulean Cave into two separate posts to take up this weekend. Yeah, yeah, I know you're not here for me... except for you... yeah, you know who you are, love of my life, light of my heart... What? Oh no, I'm not talking about That Guy, what the hell would make you think that? He doesn't read this shit. Anyway, sorry for the change of schedule, but I put the lotion on my skin, or else I get the hose again. Anyway, on with the show!

Friday, December 10, 2010

Good news, Everyone!

We're now 10% more illiterate in Japanese!

Torneko Day 10: Running out of Options.

I'm on Floor 13, and just ate my last Bread. Missing some health but not a lot. Only, like... a third. Nothing to be worried about, right? A little wandering gets that back to full and gets me two herbs- one has a description that begins with the word "Monster," so I'm sure not eating it. I think it's the confuse herb, whose name I actually recognized last time I got one.

This seems to be a corrosion trap- I'm pretty sure it knocked a plus off my Lirpa and/or shield. Forgive me if I don't go stepping on it again to be certain. That herb's a Power Herb- handy!

This congregation of Yetis is not exactly reassuring. Moving right along...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Torneko Day 9: Safe! (Or whatever that key item is.)

I forgot to mention yesterday: I also killed a TrickBag/Bag o' Laughs. When you don't have any money they just sit there with their entirely hypothetical hands in their equally nonexistent pockets, not attacking you and having nothing to steal from you. It dropped 995 gold, and then the one I killed just now before it reached me dropped another 700-some. And then there's this!

I don't know what it is but I presume it's important.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Torneko Day 7: Honey, I can explain.

So here we are back in the dungeon, presumably to find things for Torneko's wife to sell in the shop. Which is where I assume the rest of my neat gear from the first runthrough has gone. So let's see what's new!

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Pokemon Black: Epilogue (or punchline, your choice)

AngeliqueDaemon is hard at work on the next installment of Pokemon Green while also maintaining her other site, Crazy Shit My Boyfriend Says.  (The boyfriend in question being That Guy, so it will probably not surprise you that he has a lot of crazy shit to say.) In the meantime, as a way of wrapping up our Pokemon Black coverage, I thought I'd show the breakdown of what went into the Pokemon Black Flailthrough.

Granted, almost every part of that will serve another purpose- we're eyeballing Japanese DSiWare for future Flailthroughs! And the DSi XL was so darn nice I bought one for myself. After the price drop. (In our defense, no DS game has ever been region-locked before, and we have an unfortunate history with buying systems just before price drops. We bought the Gamecube and Metroid Prime a week before Prime became the pack-in and the price dropped! ) 

But that is still the hardest-earned penny ever. Most importantly though, we hope everybody enjoyed Pokemon Black as much as That Guy enjoyed playing it and writing about it! Monday: Torneko's Big Adventure continues!

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Weekend Special - Pokemon Black Dreamworld

So, I figured we would finish off with the one thing people are really going to want to know about, which is the Dream World that you interact with in this Pokemon game. It's pretty simple once you're signed up, and I honestly still don't have any idea how I managed it. A friend told me about some fan site or something you had to sign up for first, which I did, and then it gave me a number. I put in that number, along with one generated in the game, and I was signed up as a member of the Dream World!

Let's go through an average Dream World journey, shall we?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Torneko Day 5: Damn those Warpy Lumps!

So the next level looks pretty much like the last one. I drop in next to a +3 version of my regular shield- total defense power 9. Sorry Spiky Shield, but you just can't compete with that. It finally occurs to me that the thing that nearly killed me yesterday was a Mummy- the new shield takes a lot of the bite out of that attack. Takes me about three turns to Lirpa one to death.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Torneko Day 4: Mushrooms, Mummies, Mines!

Okay, so I just got the Zoom Herb so I can bail out if I get in trouble. Now it's time to try and get into trouble.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Torneko no Daibouken Day 3: in which Torneko lives through a whole post.

The nice thing about Mystery Dungeon games is that you're never quite screwed the same way twice. But you will be screwed. And frequently. No shield to start with this time, so I'm taking 2 damage a hit from slugs this time through. But!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Torneko no Daibouken, Day 2: Bastards, I tell you!

Okay, when we last left our hero Torneko, he had accidentally quit for a while while trying to find the map display. And now, we're back! Turns out the one I wanted was the one in the upper right marked Mappu. That was way too obvious for me to try, naturally.

So I wander into the room in the center where the monsters are sitting still- that means they're probably asleep. I find a sack with some gold, beat the slugs down, and...

Monday, November 29, 2010

Torneko no Daibouken Day 1: I think I just named the town Lance.

So. This was my idea, and I'm the one posting under the name of the site- and I'm the only one who hasn't written a Flailthrough yet. For shame, for shame!

Luckily for me That Guy has been taking this really seriously, and in getting games together he snagged a couple that are Relevant to My Interests. The interests in question this time around are Dragon Quest and Mystery Dungeon. The Fushigi no Dungeon series is long-running and probably best known in the US now by their Pokemon entries. But just as with Pokemon proper, Dragon Quest was there first! Torneko no Daibouken (or Torneko's Great Adventure if you prefer. Or Taloon's Great Adventure if you really prefer) was only the second in the Mystery Dungeon series, and was the first DQ spinoff. Plus it features one of my favorite characters ever.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 20

So the ever considerate Flailthroughs and Co. has pointed out to me that rather than drive myself insane with a ridiculous deadline to get everything done by Day 21, Mew will be a special feature update for... when ever the hell I get it. Said update will also involve whatever pictures I feel deserving of mockery as well as said mockery. As far as the itinerary for this Flailthrough, it will continue as normal. Moltres and Victory Road in this post, and the Elite Four and Cerulean Cave in the next.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Pokemon Black - Pokeshifter/PokeTransfer

Alright, it's time to get down to brass tacks about what's going to be one of the most important aspects of the game for anyone that wants a complete Pokedex, but doesn't want to cheat... I'm sure there are a few more of us out there somewhere.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 40 (In which there is a cave, an epic battle with blurry pictures, and a disappointing conclusion.)

So I feel the first thing I should mention about this cave is that it is very, very large, though so far it seems to be one room. I feel the need to mention this, because while it is gigantic, it is also loaded with treasure, both the sort found laying on the ground, and the ones gained through dowsing. Keep that machine going and you will find a few other plates, as well as a few items that are good for quick cash. If you head to the left after entering the room you'll be lead on a long path around the room, which will then take you to a fork where you have the choice of walking down a pile of ledges, or swimming. I'd walk, because swimming leads to a dead end you can only get past by taking the walking route.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

The Five or Possibly Six Most Import-Friendly Video Game Systems

Happy Thanksgiving! Tomorrow signals the beginning of the Madness That Will Consume Us All Christmas shopping season, and I know what you're thinking: which systems are best for playing games in a language I do not comprehend? ...okay, so I know exactly what you're not thinking. But nonetheless, importing games can be extremely rewarding even if you don't have a taste for blundering through JRPGs. Here are the five (or sort of six) easiest systems to import for.

Pokemon Black - Day 39 (If there's a rabbit in this cave, I'm leaving.)

Ok, I missed something important that I feel you ought to know.

As useful as HMs are I'm amazed Pokemon trainers give them away. They must also be dead common.
This kind little lady right here? She gives you HM06, also known as... I don't know, but it's water so I'm going to have to guess that it's Dive, which is the only other water HM that I know of. I'm also hoping it's the last one, as my water HM whore is full up.

So it's off to the east I surf, ready to see what sort of strange and interesting dungeon or cave or something I discover...

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 38 (She is the destroyer of worlds.)

Ok, it's time to start exploring this... black... city... Which, if I'm any judge of these things, will either be called Black City, or Steve in the American release. Man this place is BIG!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 37 (If they start finishing each other's sentences, I'm setting the house on fire.)

Well we'll start out again as we do in any Pokemon game, by heading down stairs after saving the world and... seeing my mother is either a lesbian, or has an identical twin... I'm cool with the lesbian thing, because that's just how people are made. But twins? That's just creepy.

Doublemint got sick of looking for real twins, and is now experimenting with cloning.
Thankfully after a moment or two, the twin, or possibly my mother, turns into a frightening looking man who talks to me for quite a bit about something I'm not sure of. He asks me a question, I agree because what else am I going to do if not agree with everything everyone ever says to me, and he gives me... a fishing rod. You know, I had been wondering when I would get one of those. After he leaves, I decide to go out and see what sort of trouble I can get into...

Monday, November 22, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 36 (Looks a bit legendary in here, if you ask me.)

And so we return to the grand... probably not finale.

Where we last left off, I had just beaten the Elite 4, and there was a giant city that sprang up out of the ground before I could fight the champion. N crazied off into the city, and I was just being forced by someone who claims to be the greatest Pokemon trainer in the world to go and follow him, who was backed up in this opinion by someone who claims to be my childhood friend.

This is bullshit, but I guess I have no choice. I follow the stairs up into one of the single least friendly places I have ever seen in my gods damn life.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 19

Eek, Lickitung.You know, I was going to start this post off with something highly inappropriate said in Spanish, in order to draw your attention my weekend feature on my other blog... but this is better, I think. I ran into this monstrosity on a trainer on the way to the Power Plant to capture Zapdos. You now, I'm not even sure what to say about this thing, except that it deserves a spot on the Cake Wrecks blog. I WOULD ask what it is the Japanese find so hilarious about giant tongues, but... I'm afraid of the answer. That and after seeing what they do to large breasts, I just REALLY don't want to know.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 18

To the gym! Though I take a detour to check out a large building, because you have to. It seems to be the place where you give them the fossils, and then they pull the Pokemon out of them. Now I just have to... figure out what the hell in my computer is a fossil. Well one of the guys wants a Pokemon from me, but I'm going to ignore him for now. I speak to the other guy, and he rambles on and on... no point in bringing them back 'cause they're never really gone... Oh, sorry. sometimes in life "Old Fashioned Love Song". Anyway, he keeps running his mouth, but I think he finally took the damn fossil. Good. Now in like 3 days I can come back and pick it up... or however long it takes.

I check out another room and some dude gives me a TM, which is fine with me. Another room reveals... an old man and his grandkids? The old man seems to want a Pokemon, but I don' know what what he wants, so I'll ignore him for now, as always. The little boy doesn't have anything important to say, but the little girl wants a Pokemon. Time to call in reinforcements.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 35 (In which our hero battles the Elite 4, and takes REALLY bad pictures!)

Alright, now I should probably stop and level my Pokemon but... to hell with it. I think I'm just going to run through, and see how well I can do. If so, I'll probably just tell you I failed rather than going through all of my failure twice.

Here we go! Off to the Elite Four!
Yes, this is the traditional "Once you go through you can't turn back, are you sure?" speech that we're always given before the Elite 4, but I am stupid/brave and intend to continue on in my quest to become a Pokemon master, which has been my dream for all of a month or more for all that I know about my character. I speed forward and... and...

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 34 (In which I think I messed up the pictures, but can't guess how.)

I make my way outside of the cave, ready to face the Elite 4, and!...

You see the Dragons BEFORE the Dungeon? That seems kind of... backward.
Well fuck, I forgot the dungeon always comes right after the gates you have to pass to get to them. Man, I feel dumb right about now... But on this plus side, this thing looks freaking awesome in every way. I'm going to try to be a little more detailed here, so bear with me.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 33 (Bjorn... What? I slept 3 hours, and that's the best I can come up with.)

Ok, I'm going to do something I wouldn't normally do, because a lot of this is turning out to be long, and boring. I'm going to summarize for a moment.

The route off of the east of route 1 leads to a large island where there are a lot of strength boulders, if you push them around and look on the far western side of the island then you'll find an HM, I think it's 06 or 07, and it's another water technique HM. Either Waterfall or Whirlpool I'm guessing. Other than that and a pile of items that I don't know what they are, there's also a house that you can get to after riding a number of rapids, and the man inside of it wants a pokemon I guess. It was a long pain in the ass to get through it, and I don't want to bore you.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 32 (I should have fought this legendary moose with a flying squirrel.)

And as I exit the gym, I'm approached by someone (tone indicates complete lack of surprise)!

'Howdy, Pants! I'm here to advance the plot!'

And it's Bladdernut! From her reaction, I'm guessing that she's telling me that I now have to make the journey to visit the Elite 4, which I base on her taking me to the northern exit of town, which leads to a single location up in the mountains. She says something about Route 10, which I guess is the area that leads to them. I wonder what kind of pain in the butt dungeon is waiting for me this way.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 31 (The Beard of Destiny!)

So it's on to the next, neon-looking area which according to the map is the next town. A few steps past the door and I see this guy right here.

Meet Dragon Gym Leader! Looks like Akuma with a ponytail to me.
It's the person I assume is the Dragon Gym Leader! And yes, that should be capitalized, since I'm calling him Dragon Gym Leader. Just think of Gym as his middle name, ok? He comes up to talk to me about something, likely taffy. I like taffy, so I try to keep interested in the conversation, but after a few short word balloons, he hauls me off to the right and I see this giant pile of crap waiting to happen.

Four Reasons Metroid Other M isn't selling like Nintendo hoped

We'll be back to our usual entertaining nonsense later in the day, but I read a story I wanted to say something about over the weekend, so we'll pause briefly for a Very Special Episode of Flailthroughs.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 17

So I went back and beat all those trainers and explored little side tracks. I ran into another one of Oak's lackey's and after giving me some kind of quiz, he gives me something. It occurs to me that I should, you know, find out what they are... so let me go bother someone about it. Alright, I seem to have the Item Finder and the Exp Share... and I'm not sure if there's enough room in my computer to stick it. We'll see.

I run into a house and talk to someone and they give me another fishing rod... I have no idea which of these are better, but usually it goes old, good and then super, so I'll hold onto it and shove the others in my box.

So I looked it up, and this is actually the Good Rod, not the Super Rod, so I'mma stuff it. While I'm bouncing around, I head back to Cerulean and trade the Poliwhirl I caught for this:

Jynx, the 'Dammit, Japan!' Pokemon.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 16

Ok, so you know how I was supposed to go to that gym in Saffron? Or at least head off to level my pokemon to prepare for the gym? Well, um... guess where I am! Yes... yes I'm back in the casino. I-I can't help it... there are lights that FLASH! A-and I WIN sometimes, and... Yes... I'm weak... I'll hang my head in shame now.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 30 (It slices! It dices! It takes 3 Ultra Balls to catch!)

I return to the Pokemon Professor's house only to find that she isn't home, hmm... well, I guess we're off to see if those Plasma grunts have moved on, since there's nothing here.

Cue me flying from city to city one at a time, trying to figure out where the hell I'm supposed to be, and I finally end up back at the second gym city.

I wonder if this cluster of named characters is Pokemon Black telling me to go THIS way?
Call me wacky, but I think I can recognize a plot hitch when I see one, and I'm gonna hook my Ponyta up to it and see what happens.

Well, they talk at me for a few moments, then the first gym leader gives me something that is either a Haro from Mobile Suit Gundam, or that frightening little sphere thing from the movie Phantasm... That movie still freaks me the hell out. Anyway, Dragon Gym Leader takes off at full speed on what looks like either a Shadow Lugia, or the worlds' largest blackbird, and leaves me with the group... damn, Belle is talking to me.

Also, here's that sphere thing.

Hmm. It's called a Light Stone and the description references Reshiram, the Pokemon Black mascot legendary. ...Probably not important.
Do you see what I mean? Freaky, huh?

Anyway, I think I know where this is going. Since the town with the seventh gym would only be a short walk to the eighth gym, that means now I'm going to have to go the long way around... Why? Because Belle is a bitch, and is sick of me making fun of her ass, which is epically huge. but then to my surprise I head there to check, and it turns out that I'm wrong! Yay! Do I actually get to take the short route there?!

Could it be as simple as walking into this cave? Of course it isn't.
Oh thank gods!

No, not god, gods. all of them, because whatever one gave me this little blessing is one I don't want to miss... I hope it's Anubis, he's a pretty cool guy... dog... thing. I attempt to walk into the tunnel, and Belle ninjas up behind me like the bitch that she may very well be, but probably isn't, because she's probably supposed to be the good-natured, quirky friend *breathes*. She wants to battle, which seems like a really dumb idea since I'm pretty sure that now they've asked me to go and kill the bad guys, or it's very thoughtful that they're sending along a bit of XP for me before I go to fight them.

I hate this bitch. I hate this bitch, and I hate her damned super potions!

I do however like this.

Jaroda (or possibly Jalorda?) is one badass stringbean.
This is Tsutarja's final evolution, Jaroda... almost makes me wish I had taken the plant starter, if my Pigno wasn't such an awesome little murderer. I beat her and she gives me... something or other, then fats off again back toward town. That battle was a lot harder than I thought it would be, actually. Her Pokemon must have been working out, like, lifting weights or something... like her ass... Yes, I know you could tell that was coming a mile away. No, I don't care.

I make my way through the little tunnel and... and...

It looks so good Pants' little sprite looks totally out of place.

And once again, this game utterly amazes me with its graphics. It's nothing super impressive, as I've said before, but for a Pokemon game it leaves me floored. I love this new generation.

I move my way up the bridge and talk to a girl who's running in circles, and she gives me a random TM, which is nice. At the other end of the bridge waiting for me is Captain Angora and as I approach him I find myself surrounded by N's ninjas... I guess they're all working together... Great. He wanders back and forth, likely telling me about... I don't know, his Pez dispenser collection, or N apparently, and mentions some numbers... I don't know, honestly I've just started zoning out when he starts talking about anything, since I don't understand it anyway. Next time you're playing a game and the bad guy is giving a speech, try to imagine him doing it with hand puppets. That's what I do at times like this, and it works damn well.

He stops talking long after I started clipping my toe nails, and then wanders off without accomplishing anything. I head in through the gate and out to the other side, which seems to be route nine. As I exit, someone dressed as a baseball player says what I can only guess is "Hey kid, catch!" and throws me a TM. Why? Who the fuck even cares anymore, at least I'm getting free stuff. I would like to point out though that this person is far too white and short to be Mean Joe Green... Yes, I have just dated myself mightily.

Don't suppose I could trade up to this from the normal Bike?
There's also a random trainer on this route that is riding a motorcycle, which is kind of cool, except when you think about the fact that there is no way in hell this is a practical mode of transport. To my left is a building, it has small doors, and you have to get off of your bicycle to go through it. I can see being able to pick up a bike and hook it to your back or something, but how is this person going to do that with a Harley? They aren't, that's how. That means this person bought this vehicle just to ride it back and forth between town and this door, and do nothing else with it at all.

There's actually quite a few of these guys and...

...uh. Yeah.

I don't know what they were doing before I started fighting them, but I think I'm too young to be seeing this... And I don't mean my character in the game, I mean me. I'm only 28!

Anyway, aside from the vaguely homoerotic adventures in Pokemon Land, I find something else here that looks interesting.

Yay, Department Store! er, Pokedepartment Store. Pokedepartment Pokestore. Ah, fuck it.
It's a department store! It's got all of the stat-enhancing items, as well as a number of TMs that are well over 90K each! That's pretty impressive, but there are also three, maybe four people in here that are ready to battle you, and good for over 11K if you have an amulet coin equipped. There's also a... something, possibly some sort of feather duster in the janitor's closet, as well as a Janitor. I somehow feel that if I had talked to him before I stole his stuff, something else might have happened... Moving on!

So it's back outside, and I've found access to the grass that's around here, so it's time to do a bit of searching for new Pokemon!

Dasutodasu, the Pokemon I will NOT be allowing my Yabukuron evolve into. Ick.
Like this guy, who is the evolved form of Yabukuron, known as Dasutodasu... Yes, it is "Dust to Dust", so I'm going to call him Dusty

And then there's this gal.

Gochimiru, the 'Oh God The Rule 34 is on its way isn't it, what do you MEAN it's already out there?' Pokemon.
Gochimiru, evolved form of Gochimu, but I'm going to call her Gothy.

And finally, this thing...

Komatana, the Pokemon voted most likely to appear in a Puppet Master movie.
He's Komatana, but I'm going to call him Blade, since... well, you can probably guess the reason.

That's also where I'm going to call it for this week, so keep tuned in for our arrival at the next city!.. hopefully!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Pokemon Black - Day 29 (Gentlemen, behold! I have discovered the sand anus!)

It seems to be a pretty short route, and straight forward. You can follow it to the right until it forks up and down, the north path leading to some sort of forest, and the south leads to a large building blocked off by Team Plasma... So I guess I know where we're going at this point.

Pants found Carmen Sandiego- FINALLY!

Why is it always the dark foreboding forest? Can't we go through the field of happy bunnies for once? No, we can't, because this is the world of Pokemon, and the happy bunnies would try to rip my throat out with razor sharp claws, as is their wont.

Well, it looks like I was entirely wrong about the forest, but I did find a nice pile of items in there, as well as level up a good number of times from all of the trainer battles. Since the Plasma goons are still on the door, I have the very, very disturbing feeling that I'm going to have to go back to one of the early towns, then head around the other side of the world to get to the next town... and it looks like a long walk.

So, I fly back to the town with the Ferris wheel, since I think that's where I'm going to need to be next... Oh god, why did I battle the hiker in front of the wheel again!? Now I'm going to have to go on a date with him!

This picture is made more disturbing by sentences immediately before and after.
Anyway, at least it was good for some quick cash. I continue to the right from the town with the Ferris wheel, fighting a number of extremely low level trainers and scavenging for Pokemon that I might have missed. Nothing here, so it's on we go to head to the next town!

Team Construction Worker would have more members if they had cool knight costumes.
SHIT! Ok, I think I've officially reached a point where I'm stuck... this is going to take a little while to figure out... you know what? I think I have an idea... I'm going to go and check out that strange ass desert again, that you might remember from ages and ages ago. Why do I guess this? Because I think the badge I just got lets me use a HM that I needed there. I fly back to the same city with the Ferris wheel that I just left, this time ignore the frightening fat man, and head down and back to the desert... Dear God, did I actually... did I actually get something right?

Hey, I can translate that whole thing! Cheren: 'Stop, Pants!' -Ed.
Seriously, I'm not kidding, I just took a shot in the goddamn dark here, I am so proud of myself right now, I want to make myself a little award. Though seriously, this was the only place I could think of that I hadn't scavenged to death, and it was a long shot anyway. Still, lucky is as good as smart some times.

Damn, it's just Cheren. He's babbling like an ass about something, probably me getting his Pokemon's blood on his glasses the last time I handed his ass to him. He continues to talk to me for far longer than I would be listening even if I could understand what he was saying, and I head into the cave... tomb... thing.


Can't really argue with ThatGuy's description... -Ed.
I can now walk past this guy, which I couldn't do the last time that I came here... I think there's plot in them there holes. By the way, if you run past the holes, you will get sucked in to them, walk and you should be perfectly fine. That's actually a pretty good metaphor for life, now that I think about it. Rush and get sucked into a hole, take it slow and you'll end up at a man with a silly mustache and a bowler hat. Well what do you know!

I will gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.
And he brought his own Plasma Squire with him, how handy! Pretty standard battle, and then it seems this time I have to jump down the hole, since it's the only direction to go from here. Another Plasma person and a... some sort of item, greet me at the bottom of the hole. I think that from here I'm going to have to take another one of the holes down, since only stairs here lead up to somewhere I'm fairly sure will take me to a dead end.

Speaking of dead things.

Desukaan, the nifty sarcophagus Pokemon.
I'm going to call this guy Tutut, because... well, you should be able to figure that out. His real name is Desukaan, the evolved form of Desumasu, who you can also catch in this area.

Anyway, the bottom pit looks like it takes me to the right area, since I'm seeing more Plasma around. I'm not quite sure where I'm going, since there are so many pits around here, but I'm going to make an educated guess and say bottom left... and so far, don't know if right. It dropped me down next to a pair of Plasma goons, but I think if I had taken one of the other pits, I would have been able to get an item as well as follow this route.

It's down the next pit, and I think I've found what I was looking for!

And there's that asshole Cherren, riding my coat tails to glory. I really hate that bastard right about now, but there's more important things going on! Wish I knew what they were! We all head up to join Dragon Gym Leader (or I assume that's what he is,) and we talk to the man in the angora sweater-robe. His hair is taunting us, and I am afraid of its powers. Silly hair pushes past me... sorry, Silly Green hair, you really have to be specific in these things and then we... leave?... What?

No sooner are we outside than I get a call, or C-mail, or whatever they're calling it in this game.

Pants to you too, doc.
Professor Bladdernut just seems to be yelling my name over and over again... yeah, I think I saw a porno that started like this, once... Ok, probably closer to twenty or thirty times, but I've still seen it, and that's the point.

Now call me crazy, but I'm not too happy with us leaving the cave then and there, and I'm going to head back in and take a look around before I go to... maybe the professor's house, we'll see.

Yep, there was nothing.

That's it for today! come back tomorrow when we try to figure out what the professor wanted!