We don't always like being nonplussed

Friday, July 8, 2011

Flailing Through Dragon Quest 6, Day 2.

On our second day of Dragon Quest 6, I start out by searching the village for more than just a save point, which as I mentioned is a priest... which, since my character seems to be a young man, frightens me. That horror out of the way, it's time to start exploring the wonderful little village here to see what we can find.

Ah, an indoor cow. Such luxury! Smelly, smelly luxury.Ahhh, who among us doesn't have a cow in their spare room? It makes sense to me, since obviously his dining-bath-kitchen-bedroom is so spacious. Why not give the only spare few feet of space to an animal that craps all over the place?

Apparently this town only has two women under the age of thirty-five, and no men even close to that. They're twins, and one lives in a mansion with a bald man, the other is a textile worker. I sense a wacky sitcom, don't you? But seriously.

REALLY don't want to know, guys.There is one bed in that house, and they do not look anything alike. That is not his daughter, and this is why I want to leave this town as quickly as possible. Though the old guy did give me something, and when I attempted to find out what it was, I was told that it did something involving the number 3. Maybe it's killing me, and that's how long I have left to live? We'll see soon enough!

Well, I can't find anything else worth note, so it's time to go out to attempt to do some leveling... I know nothing about Dragon Quest aside from puns, as I have said before, so this could be very, very awkward. Time for battle!

Clearly, it is a fuzzy ant. What else could it be?
Well... those are... uhh... I'm not sure, but I think since it has to be a pun I'm going to go with Yaman, and... well, that one I'm not sure about. It looks like a clown threw up on an alien sheep, so I'll call him Baarf. I know I'm not off to an auspicious start, but I'm trying to avoid potato rape here, so give me a bit of time.

I was wrong, the Yam is not my real enemy, it's puke sheep. He is a violent little ball of fluff that wants nothing more than to make me regret wearing the fur of his brethren! Thankfully, they don't send too many god-like monsters at you at level 1, at least not after the introduction where the god-like monster already killed me once. I run back to town quickly and sleep in the only house with two beds in it, which is mine and my mother's. I wonder if people rotate ownership every time someone has a child? That would be really awkward, having to wait about 18 years until they're married until someone else can breed... oh, who am I kidding? This is the country! 13.

Anyway, this also tells me that I need to take a look around the armor shop to see if I can find anything useful, so I head there and find that much to my chagrin, I still can't read japanese. I guess the only option is to build up a good supply of cash and buy everything... this could take a while, since that's going to be, like, 650 of the local currency, and I have... crap, I don't even know how to tell, but I'm going to guess a bag of dicks. And trust me, those don't sell for a lot.

Something else I've noticed is that every morning, a comet seems to strike the village,

Yay, 16-bit lens flare!and that's only slightly unusual. What's more unusual is that no one runs away screaming... but I guess once something becomes a tradition, no one questions it anymore. I just can't imagine it's the sort of thing that would go unnoticed by visitors, though.

Tourist: "so, uhh, farmer Bobson, what's with the meteorite that strikes your village every morning?"

Farmer Bobson: "That ain't no meteor, it's a comet! Comet nuclei are known to range from about 100 meters to more than 40 kilometres across. They are composed of rock, dust, water ice, and frozen gases such as carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide, methane and ammonia, where as most meteorites are stony meteorites, classed as chondrites and achondrites. Only 6% of meteorites are iron meteorites or a blend of rock and metal, the stony-iron meteorites ya gall dern idjet!"

Because that's how rural folk talk, ya'll.

After a few battles, I run into an enemy I actually recognize!

For once, plain old Slimes aren't the first kind you meet. What a twist!
Uhh... those are either slimes that got beat up in a really bad bar fight, or they're some sort of tortoise shell patterned doodie... so I'm going to call them Doodimes, because I can, and you can't stop me. Also, Doodimes seem to be made of a substance slightly more fragile than Christmas tree ornament glass, because they explode into a shower of bits as soon as I touch them. This is fine with me, because that means faster XP... possibly. I don't even know if this game has a leveling system.

It's Dragon Quest! Of COURSE there's a leveling system!
It has a leveling system!... I think. It could be telling me how many dead hooker corpses I found after that battle, which given the two Baarfs that I ran into nearly killed me, I'm going to have to say is a pretty low number. Also, I received what is either 3 magic points, or three Manwiches, which would be less useful, but far more delicious.

And now I'm bored with leveling, so I think it's time to move on to the game itself... I did make it all the way to level 3 before I started chewing on my own foot, though.

Levels, XP, treasure? Nope, the defining element of the RPG is BRIDGES.
Looking at the world map, it would appear that this little village is on a plateau in the middle of nowhere, but there's a broken bridge to the south that could prove interesting. Broken bridges are always interesting, in video games.

It's Rand, the hero's wacky vagrant buddy.
So interesting in fact, that this guy is sleeping in a bush by the broken bridge. Yep, it's that interesting. This area is probably not the best place to take a cat nap, though, since it seems to be littered with groups of 3 to 4 enemies at a time. Thankfully, I invested the small amount of cash I made in what turned out to be armor, so I'm not doing too badly... for the moment, at least. I wish I knew what healing items looked like.

Here lies Adventurer Joe/Who didn't know the Hiragana for 'Yakusou.'
And I don't think these guys knew either, by the look of it.

Being foolhardy, and kind of stupid, I decide to check out the caves that litter this mountain side, and head into the nearest one... which just so happens to be the only one I can reach at the moment. Coincidence, no? Inside, I find a treasure chest with twenty... did we decide on what the local currency is? Alright then, chicken feet. There's twenty chicken feet inside of the chest, and I need that after my armor binge.

Oh look,

Potatoes trump bats? I know what the next Batman villain's going to be!
It's a slightly less silly looking batman cosplayer, but this one went a little bit overboard on the realism. Since he's brown, and a bat, I'm going to call him Brat. There, that one actually sounds kind of in keeping with the series. He's also missing a lot (I love you, new armor,) and isn't that hard to take out... The potato men do give me a bit of a hassle, but I'm able to hash it out with them.

I continue through the caves for a short while, then come back out to the sweet, sweet warmth of daylight... before having to head right back into a cave. But look!

Mrs. Betty Finch was playing the trombone when she heard a knock at the door. 'I wonder who that is at 11 o'clock in the morning?' she thought. But cautiously opening the door, instead of the turbaned ruffian she expected, she found a very nice young man. 'Mrs. Finch, you've won the car contest; would you like a Triumph Spitfire or £3000 in cash?' he smiled. Mrs. Finch took the money. 'What will you do with it all, not that it's any of my business?' he giggled. 'I think I'll become an alcoholic,' said Betty.
This nice turbaned ruffian happens to run a bed and breakfast in Death Mountain. How kind of him to look out for all of the travelers... he's probably going to lick my face while I sleep, or something. He lets me sleep the night for ten chicken feet, and I call myself lucky and head back out before he can ask for my number.

I seem to have reached the end of this area, but here's something all of you old school gamers will probably remember, and it will send you into a sobbing conniption fit.

Much as he hated arguments or any kind of unpleasantness, Ron Shirr thought things had gone too far when returning from a weekend in Clacton he found that his neighbor had trimmed the enormous hedge dividing their gardens into the shape of a human leg. Enraged and envious beyond belief, Ron seized his garden shears and clipped his white poodle Rex into the shape of a coffee table. 'That'll fix it,' thought Ron — but he was wrong. The following Wednesday his neighbor had his bushy waist-length hair cut and permed into a model of the Queen Elizabeth and went sailing. Everywhere he went, people said 'Hurray!' Sometimes you just can't win.
No, that cave I'm by doesn't lead to it. As a matter of fact, none of the caves in the area do. It's just a treasure chest that I'm sure I won't be able to find a way to until much later in the game, but is sitting out in the open, mocking me... *twitch*

I head out to the world map and find a handy sign, that is not so handily in Japanese, so I head south. Why? I haven't the foggiest, but it was the direction I was heading anyway. A few steps below the sign, I find myself in heated combat with...

They are onions! Onions of DOOM.Fat raddishes... Faddishes? Sure, that works. And oh boy do these guys pack a punch! I was able to kill them, and they were well worth the xp and gold, but I am very glad that the spell I learned at level 3 was a heal spell. I head quickly to what looks like the next town, and hope to find an inn, and a church.

Yep, I think I've found them. And that's good, because I think this is where I'm going to call it for the week. This will give me the chance to get a lot of power leveling and writing done over the weekend, and hopefully a lot more strange and interesting monsters will be found as well.

Keep flailing guys, I'll be back with more.

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