We don't always like being nonplussed

Friday, March 16, 2012

Frivolous Friday - My Little Pony Edition

So... apparently the new My Little Pony series is riddled with flaws that makes one wonder why, exactly, any parent would allow their children to watch this trash. All of the 'good' morals of the stories are far out-shadowed by the glaring anachronisms in the show itself that perverts and twists its message. One need only watch a handful of episodes, as I have, to see the unsuitability of the cartoon for its young audience.

The first, and perhaps most important problem, is that everyone in the Pony-verse is racist. In the pony world, there exist a number of sentient species, including dragons, cows, mules, griffons, and likely others I've yet to see. Despite this universally known fact, they replace 'everybody,' 'somebody,' and 'anyone,' which are racially neutral epithets, with 'everyPONY,' 'somePONY,' and 'anyPONY' EVEN when in mixed company. Cruelly, and without regard to the people their discrimination hurts, they off-handedly imply that pony-hood is the totality of what someone can be. It is the ideal state of being, as it were... perhaps even the master race?

This show also goes on to show how very sexist it is, as all male ponies are either animals (speaking only in horse noises), exist simply to serve as trophy husbands for the young filly social-climber, do most of the hard back-breaking labor like plowing, or are as dumb as wet sacks of ham... or whatever you'd call the ass haunch of a pony... we'll say pony-ham. They pull chariots to drive around the female ponies, plow the fields like oxen, and when they DO speak the only thing that comes from their mouths is vapid, gullible nonsense that parrots back everything they've been told as though they've been drinking the kool-aid, or PONY-aid if you will. On the SUPER rare occasion that they DON'T spout pure gaseous brain death, they sound retarded anyway, even if they're offering good advice, and they STILL don't stand up for themselves, veritably shrinking away from the wrath of their female counterparts. Is it just me, or do they exhibit all of the symptoms of the punitive behavioral training of high society women from the 19th century? Clearly these poor pony males are being cruelly oppressed, and having all of the spirit and intellect beaten out of them, in order to make them docilely accept their roles in this horrible feminine-led tyranny... tyrannical pony-garchy? Anyway, to exacerbate matters, most of them seem to be incapable of performing the tasks that define the kind of pony they are. Male unicorns, for example, are nigh-incapable of doing any magic at all, where as their female counterparts accomplish it as easily as breathing. Clearly the poor males just get the shitty end of the... trough.

Also we have wonderful episodes that extoll the importance of not standing out, for you may be shunned by your friends. In the same episodes that the protagonists denounce showing off, they themselves then show off their talents, and in one case bald-faced SAY she is the one pony that's better than everypony everywhere forever. So... it's not ok for an outsider, a traveling performer I should point out, to make claims to draw crowds, but when the protagonists do, it's A-OK. I'll give the writers the benefit of the doubt and say that the intended message of the episode is humility or some shit, but the actual message is hypocrisy, and conformity.

Now let us take a look at the protagonists themselves. First and foremost is the ruler, she who is said to be kind, wise, and infinitely powerful. Does she protect her people? Does she lead and settle important matters of state, and do everything in her infinite power to better the lives of sentient beings the world over? No. So what DOES she do? She trolls her subjects. She goes out of her way to torment, tease, torture and be an all around poopy-pony to her 'most beloved, and diligent student'. Oh, and she parties. Now I'm sure you're thinking, "Well yes, that's what all-powerful beings and politicians do. Have you HEARD Republicans? Have you READ the bible?" The answer to those questions is: yes, of course, but remember this is a CHILDREN'S show set in an ideal fantasy world, for the purpose of teaching children lessons. This show is telling them that this behavior for their leaders is not only normal, but hailed as kindness and wisdom. Is anyone else seeing the problem here? Oh, and did I mention the fact that she sends little girls out to do all of the dangerous, hard tasks that she could easily accomplish with one little glow of her horn, whereas the little girls might be injured and/or horribly killed? Because she totally does that. Constantly.

As the for the six protagonists of every episode, we're presented with a parade of streotypes. First up with have the brainy city girl that doesn't quite understand how friendship works, because she's been trying to educate herself instead of indulging in the shenanigans that run rampant in pony world. So she's forced by royal decree to abandon her studies and move to the ass end of nowhere to learn how to be friends. Those friends consist of 'the sporty type', who on top of being sporty has a superiority complex and an ego the size of a galaxy. She is, in fact, the pony that goes out of her way to mention how much better she is than everypony... because this is what ALL athletic people do. Friend number two is 'ditzy party girl' whose purpose is to remind us, no matter how little brain you have, or how needy and annoying you are, as long as you're cute and throw good parties, everyone will love you. This is of course an important lesson for little girls to learn as soon as possible, for how else will they understand how popularity in public school works? Then there's the 'pretty one'. She, naturally, is the most superficial thing on the face of the planet, because she's fashionable and tries to maintain a pleasing appearance. She puts on airs, and when she isn't obsessing over her appearance, she's day-dreaming about catching herself a high society husband so she can fulfill her dream of being a PRINCESS!!!11!!one!!! Remeber kids, all attractive people are like this. The next friend lives on a farm... an apple farm... or as we unenlightened humans call it, an 'orchard'. Because she lives on a 'farm', this spirited pony is stubborn as a mule, willful, southern, and has rope trick and herding skillz that put experienced ranch hands to shame. Clearly this is because farms only exist in the south, and apples are tricky little herd animals that require lassoing and breaking. Last but not least, we have the 'wilting violet'. She's soft spoken, gentle, nurturing, humble, and scared of her own shadow. No, literally, she gets frightened at the sight of her own shadow. The other ponies are friends with her because she clearly needs protecting, as she cannot stand up for herself, what with being the fragile little snowflake that she is. Oh, and she's good with animals, did I mention that? She can't express herself among others of her kind, but she makes up for her social failings by being a Disney Princess.

In conclusion, I think that we should all band together, and strike down this evil pack of adorably animated lies, and remove it from the air! How many children have already been tainted by this monstrous show's close-minded, wicked views? I mean, I haven't even TOUCHED on the Satanical nature of the show's base principle, and even its NAME ('Friendship is Magic'... yeah, if your friend is THE DEVIL!), but is there not enough evidence without pulling out the big guns? Clearly this show is corrupting not only the children of America, but the youths and adults as well! Websites like 'Pony-chan', which I can only assume consists entirely of bestiality and racism despite never having been there, have sprung up in the wake of this disturbing cartoon's meteoric rise in pop culture. If it can turn good, decent, honest adults into depraved, obsessed, horrible monsters, can you imagine what it will do to the children? The birth rate will plummet because young girls will stop sleeping with the popular boys in school, because they're too smart, and don't defer enough to them. Watchers of the show will shun their former friends and family, because said people are humans and not ponies, while engaging in a downward spiral of self-hate and self-destruction because they are inferior humans rather than super awesome ponies.

Please, PLEASE, I'm begging everyone who reads this to stand with me, and slay this pony-dragon before it destroys the world as we know it! If we don't stand up as one, and cry out in the voice of righteousness, "No, we will not let you take over the minds of our children," then all is lost! WE MUST THINK OF THE CHILDREN!!!1!!!!111!!!!ONE!!!1

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