We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 4

... I have no words. Despite my promise not to come back until all my Pokemon were level 15, I wandered into Viridian Forest to maybe get some better experience than what I was getting. The two nice females (a woman and a little girl) in the... way station I guess you'd call it, did NOT, in fact, yell at me, they simply asked me questions. Luckily I didn't have to answer them because I have no idea what they said. The first person in the forest, a boy I'd like to point out, DID yell at me, but he's in an area full of poisonous bugs, so I'll forgive him.

Now you may be wondering why I said I have no words, and then promptly wrote a whole bunch of them. That's because I'm looking at a Metapod... and what the HELL! I don't even know how to describe it, except that it looks like it has x's over its eyes, like they use in old cartoons to show that something is dead. Maybe it's a zombie Metapod, a Zombipod, if you will, and it's evil plan is to Harden itself until it's the hardness of a diamond, and then fling itself at me, in the hopes of cracking open my skull, and getting at my delicious, delicious brain meats. Well, whatever it was planning, it was foiled by my valiant Pidgey, who has stopped sucking quite so much. Hooray less suck!

Pidgey thwarts an attack by Zombipod, the Metapod of the Dead.

Well this is a pleasant surprise. My next encounter is a Kakuna, and as a wise man once said "Kakuna Rattata, it means no worries, for the rest of your days"... or not. In any case, the pleasant surprise is that it actually LOOKS like a bug, or at the very least something that will BECOME a bug. It looks like a Beedrill head, on an actual neck, with its limbs drawn up against its body to be nestled happily in its cocoon. Maybe I'm just weird, but this it the first (and will likely be the ONLY) sprite that I like better in this version than the ones in later version. It's just a shame that when they fixed the things they did wrong, they changed something they did right. Oh well, that's how it goes, sometimes.

That's not bad, actually!Change for the sake of change. Meh.

After a short break to tend my berries in Pearl and Soul Silver, I continue my bug-sploration, and come across a Chest Burster, from Aliens! Wait, what?! Alright no... it seems to be a Caterpie... but the resemblance is uncanny. Give it a top hat and a cane, and make it sing "Hello My Baby," and it would look like something RIGHT out of Aliens... Or was that Spaceballs... probably the latter, but now I want to see a Caterpie do a Vaudeville dance number, and sing about his 'Ragtime Gal'... which makes me thing less about dancing, and more about OTHER things, if you catch my meaning.

John Hurt feels queasy looking at this Caterpie.

HOLY ELECTRIC RAT! Literally, it's a Pikachu, which I didn't expect to run into so easily, and it looks aaaaaaaaawfuuuuuuuuul. He looks like a pillow with a >:3 face ( the greater than sign symbolizing his ears), and thorns sticking out of him. His ass also seems to be some kind of smoke signal, perhaps in the hopes of warning the other forest dwellers away from me? Who knows, but DAMN Pikaderp, they were not kind to you... Though you DO look huggably soft, once we get those thorns pulled, and put the fire on your ass out.

Good Pikachu, you look kinda >:3.

Well with Derpachu, (who I accidentally said I would name, and ended up calling: cross in a mountain with windswept hair, hyphen, JL... which I have been assured means Balls, or something close) in the bag, as well as a Weedle and a Caterderp I didn't bother mentioning capturing, that's actually all of the pokemon I wanted out of this forest, and it's time to get back to level grinding. I think I'll go back to an earlier area and level out my bugs, thus completing two full pokedex entries. Sweet. Of course now I have to interact with the computer and pray I don't set something free by accident.

Remember how I said that Weedle looked like an inquisitive clown in my last post? Almost as though he were politely inquiring, "Porque es usted aqui?" (Why is he Spanish? Because bees and clowns only live in Spain, well known fact. No don't look that up, just trust me... you're looking it up, aren't you? Jerk.) However from the back... well from the back... I can't describe it. Words really DO fail me this time, so I'll just let you look at the picture and come up with the thousand words yourself. Just as a side note, when you managed to poison someone, Weedle's head turns red and he shakes a bit. I want you to look at the picture and visualize that. Don't worry, it hurts me too.
Uh... yeah.

Oh, wow, Caterpie... From behind he looks like a Chest Burster made sweet, sweet, horrible love to an English bulldog, I kid you not. It's... you know, I'm not even sure I want to level this thing now, I can feel it scarring my psyche just looking at it! But my resolve is strong... I shall level out these bug types, and potentially hold onto Butterfree, because it gets a psychic attack pretty early, but I'm putting Beedrill in a box, and forgetting that he even exists. Yea, for I am a cruel and thoughtless trainer, and have no real use for him... and I don't like him anyway. He can keep Rattata/Raticate and Spearow company, and they can all plot my eventual destruction, and their ploys for escape over tea. Goooood times.

I think I prefer most of these bug sprites, but that's because I've never found bugs cute at all.

Alrighty then, after wandering around the Viridian Forest for a while, and talking to a couple people, I FINALLY find someone to fight me... and he's one MALICIOUS looking cuss. Observe his evil little smirk, and even more evil eyebrows. This kid doesn't look like he wants to fight pokemon, he looks like he wants to put ME in his little cage and take me home to inflict unspeakable horrors upon my young, soft, pliant flesh... these horrors will likely include his bug pokemon... I'm not gonna go into detail here, since I'm sure your imagination can take over now, but the end results will include a bug catching net made from my hair, and at the very least a new hat for him... maybe a new apron to go over his wifebeater if he uses the flesh carefully. Anyway, it's time to battle Buffalo Bug Catcher Bill, and I pray I come out of this with all my skin. Thank GOD for level grinding, I don't even want to KNOW what would happen to me if he TPK'ed me. (That's Teriyaki Pork Kabobs, for the uninitiated... No, no, wait! I mean Total Party Kill! That's the one! ... And now I want kabobs... damn.)

He probably calls his Caterpie Precious.

And it's Nidoran male and his mighty horn for the win! As previously mentioned, at the end of the battle, I take Buffalo Bug Catcher Bill's lunch money. You know, this kid is kinda cheap, he only gave me 80, Green gave me a grand. The obvious explanation is that Professor Oak is loaded, and Green cleaned him out before leaving... Or possibly that all of Green's dicketry is in fact pig-tail pulling, so to speak, negative attention inflicted upon the person of one's desire in a school yard display of affection that we all know so well. Maybe Green, in fact, has the hots for Red, and is desperately attempting to express it in the only way his little ten-year-old self knows how. Think about it, he shows up and insults you, while simultaneously giving you hints about where to go, how to get there, and what you need to do to complete certain puzzles, and then provokes a battle, in an attempt to show you how much he has improved in the hopes of impressing you, and then when he loses, he gives you more money than any other trainer. Clearly this is some kind of intricate mating dance. You know, in that light, on top of the orphan angle and Red destroying his life, you have to feel sorry for Green. Always reaching out for love, acknowledgment, and affection, from his grandfather, from Red, from ANYONE, and never getting it. His grandfather is always busy at work, and Red... well spoiler alert, he goes off and holes up in a the frozen freaking tundra on top of a mountain, leaving poor Green with the sad position of Viridian Gym Leader. That's right, they won't even acknowledge him enough to let him into the Elite Four, even though he beat them all. How messed up is THAT? You know that almost makes me want to lose the next battle against him, just to throw him a bone (metaphorically speaking). But I won't... and do you know why? I'm a sadist... and his tears are DELICIOUS!

So on that yaoi-tastic note, I'll leave you, my dear readers, and get back to level grinding. Expect Beedrill and Butterfree to make an appearance, and possibly even Ivysaur, Nidorino and Nidorina if I'm feeling particularly froggy! Thank you and good night!

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