. Wait... wasn't that the last Futurama movie? Oh well, my point stands, and we're moving on. On this route of weird, random inaccessible hills, I've also managed to pick up a Sandshrew, which I'm pretty sure I'll ignore... or maybe I'll use it... I dunno, it has good defense, and it's a good HM slave... I dunno, we'll see.Upon seeing the guy with the afro, I have deduced that I'm in Cerulean City, home of the water gym, Misty, and later in the game, and the really only important thing about this place, MewTwo. This is also the home of the Bike shop, and their hundred million dollar bicycle. Right. You know, I don't want to get TOO graphic here, but that bike better not only make me lose weight like a main character in a Stephen King novel, it better pleasure me carnally as well. Where the HELL do you get the bike voucher? I guess this means it's time to start talking to people... I'm going to get yelled at some more. *sigh*
Well I seem to have run into some fat, bald man and he wants 8 of something I think... but I don't know what it is, and I don't know what the options I'm given are... and the only person that can really make heads or tails of these mysterious runes has gone to bed. Shit. Time to back out, and hope I didn't screw anything up. There's also some old guy that wants a pokemon of mine, but I really have no idea what he wants, so I think maybe I should just ignore him, at least for now.
Anyway, considering that I'm in a city with a gym, I suppose I should go kick the gym's ass, it only makes sense... unless this is one of those gyms where you have to jump down turn around and pick a bail of cotton before you can fight it. I HATE those gyms. Anyway, time to head in and find out. As it turns out, I CAN just walk in and start shit, so that's good news. The first person up is a male swimmer, and he's only as derpy as they were in the American Red and Blue, but his first pokemon, Horsea... yeah. Do you ever watch those cake shows on Food Network? You know, either the challenge shows or Ace of Cakes? Horsea kinda looks like a cake of a Horsea, but really badly done, like with the head impaled on a dowel and shoved into the body, which is just a cylinder, and then a little curly wire sitting in front of it and covered in rice crispy treat and fondant to make a tail.
Shellder on the other hand, looks like a spikey clam with a tongue... in other words, there's no real change to it, so I don't see a point for a picture. The important thing here is that my Ivyderp made short work of them, and it's time to move over to the other trainer. Strangely enough, despite the down right scary appearance of the camper trainer, the picknicker looks pretty much normal, though her legs have a bad case of the spaghetti. Her pokemon is a Goldeen, and it looks pretty... well like a Goldeen. The horn's a bit longer, and like the Shellder, it's at a different angle, but those are the only real changes. Despite it's Confuse cheatery, I whip a bitch into shape with my vine, and move along.
Misty spends some time yelling at me, but eventually she gets down to business for a fight. She looks meaner than I remember, and furthermore, ten year olds shouldn't wear two pieces. Has anyone else ever noticed that the younger a female in a Japanese anime/manga/game, the less she wears? The only exception I can think of off the top of my head is The Get Backers, where Hevn, the oldest female reoccurring character, breaks every public decency law possible, but get away with it because she doesn't have nipples, and Trinity Blood... but that's pretty much entirely because most of the women you see in that one are either nuns, or related to the Catholic Church in some way.
Anyway, her first pokemon is a Staryu, and it's... it's a Staryu. What do you want? It's a freaking fairy princess wand topper, with it's star shape, and gold set 'jewel', always has been, likely always will be. It goes down hard before the terrible might of my Squeak Rat (that's Pikachu, or Pikaderp, for those playing the home game) and it's onto her next pokemon. Starmie, like it's pre-evolution, is still itself. More points, and bigger jewel than Staryu, but it's still the same Starmie we all feel uncomfortable about looking us in the eyes and smiling. ... Did that... did that just pee on me? I think that starfish PEED on me! Well I'm not going to stand for THAT! And I make good on that claim when I take it out. See? That's what happens when you pee on me! You get electrocuted to DEATH! You contemplate that, you stupid antenna topper, and think twice before peeing on me again!
After defeating Misty, she gives me a giant pile of cash, her wad easily bigger than Brock's (think about that, I dare you), and I'm strangely fine with that. I mean, sure she has stupid hair, but it's nothing a brush and hiding her hair ties won't fix. The important thing is, she's ten, Red's ten, and she's not Brock. I can't stress that enough. Of course she's not Green either, but no one's perfect.
Speak of the devil, as I head north, who should arrive, but Green! Hey man, I was just talking about you, it's good to... Well geez, you don't have to shout, I'm RIGHT in front of you. I mean, unless you just WANT to scream my name that is... Alrighty then, I guess you just want to yell at me. That's fine... I didn't expect anything else out of you, Green, you mean old poopie head. The first out of his gate is his Pidgeotto... and by coincidence, that's who I have in front of my party too. It's the battle of the titanic birds! Everyone run for your lives, and for the love of God, hide the bug pokemon! A single bite might put them at critical mass, and then we'll all be destroyed in a massive nuclear bird-splosion! Luckily, his fatty fat fat bird is too stupid to use Quick Attack, so I take it down. After that is... Darth Abra apparently?
Nidorino! He is your father! Search your drug cabinet until that makes sense to you! Like Pidgeotto, Abra seems to have a serious case of the pudge going on, and I guess that happens when you spend all your time sleeping... though if he's asleep all the time, you'd think he wouldn't be eating, which would make his thinner... I'm confused. Either way it's Nidorino's mighty horn for the win. Hey, Darth Abra... I don't think he believed you... or maybe he just didn't keep LSD stocked in his drug cabinet. Derpmander provides no problem, likely because his sorry flaming butt hasn't evolved yet, and after the obese birdy battle, Nidorino mops up the rest of Green's stock... which prompts more yelling. Dude, I keep telling you, I would rather be playing, and doing kid things, likely with you, than running around here participating in some kind of horrendous legalized cock fighting (hee hee, I said cock), but it's not like I have a choice. I guess I'll just have to use the wad of money you've given me to dry my tears. He's given me less money though... does that mean... could there be... IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE GREEN?!?! Or... are you just burning through money in order to take care of yourself and your pokemon, and therefore have less disposable income? You know, I think I'll believe the latter... not because it makes more sense, but because you still give me PILES more than any non-gym associated trainer.
After being yelled at some more, and watching Green strut his stuff away, I think it's time for a break. Everything suddenly turned ninety degrees to the right, which makes me think I have water in my inner ear or something. Whatever the case is, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Until then, remember... You can tell by the way Green uses his walk, he's a woman's man, no time to talk.
Two thousand internets to anyone that got that reference
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