It's That Guy. He's a freaking WIZARD! I mean, he starts talking to me, somewhere after the first thirty seconds, I start ignoring him... and then the next thing I know, I've agreed to do something I said I wouldn't do again! It's like mind control! Or... short attention span control... or puppies...
Well in any case, hi again. It looks like I'll be your entertainment, or lack thereof, for the weekends once more. I am not, repeat NOT, playing another Pokemon game, I'm playing Final Fantasy 6... which was apparently released as 3 in the US because... I dunno, evil kumquats. In any event, let me say that this is my favorite Final Fantasy, for a variety of reasons, but the main one being angry midget clown. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Kefka rocks my socks, and I'm not afraid to admit it. I mean, who else in the history of Final Fantasy not only succeeded in destroying the world, but did it because fuck you, destruction? There's also the laugh, but I think that goes without saying.
Now, with all of my rambling out of the way, first let me prove to you that this isn't a trick:
Happy? I'm not telling you any porky pies, this is an actual copy of the actual game, taken with my actual bad photography skills. The peasants rejoice.
Moving right along, let me say that this is going to involve a lot of level grinding because I won't be cheating... you can't see my tears at that fact, but please know that they're there. So I'm going to need a lot of money and a lot of levels to make me not chew my arm off. Just to give you a bit of background about myself, I am NOT a fan of level grinding, and frankly I cheat so I can advance the story and find out what's going on without the need for all the work. I suppose the upside of this all being in Japanese is that I won't have to worry about the story, because I won't be able to read any of it. Good times.
Now without any further ado...
And now I get to sit through a cut scene where I can do nothing to skip it, or have any idea what anything says... except for the number 1,000. I am sure this is important somehow.
And thus we meet our heroine! Though we don't know who she is yet, because Biggs and Wedge have to run their damn mouths and talk shit about her... without bothering to name her... not that I could recognize the kanji or katakana for 'Tina' anyway...
I just got into a battle and... uh... SO MANY SYMBOLS! I would like to remind everyone that the only words I can half ass recognize, if I stare at them long enough are 'report' and 'balls'... don't judge me. So I spent the first round of that fight simply staring at the screen as I was attacked without knowing what to hit. Clearly this is a GREAT sign for this Flailthrough.
As you can see, I am now being attacked by wolves... where as before I was being attacked by Tusken Raiders... neat trick out here in all the snow.
And now we're back to the Tusken Raiders. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Narshe is on Tatooine. Little known fact.
Being surrounded sucks.
Now the Tusken Raiders have their banthas... it doesn't seem to do them much good though, because I wipe the floor with them. Yay for me... Except I JUST noticed that Tina's dead... oops. Um... this could be troublesome... I don't have any items either... I uh... I think I'm going to have to start over here, because otherwise I think I'm proper fucked... So uh... I'll get back to you in a few, alright?
I lied and decide to press on. I think there's a healing spring in here somewhere that will bring her back, so I'm going to hold out hope for that.
And now Tina shall talk to the Esper from beyond the graaaaaaaaaave!!!
BEYOND THE GRAAAAAAAAVE!!!!! And, you know... beyond the ice, apparently... I think it's really NEAT that he can still fight like that, because after a few times flashing at Tina, he destroys Biggs and Wedge entirely. After that, he flashes at Tina a few more times, and then... electrocutes her, apparently? It's clearly a shocking experience for her, because the screen goes back, and she wakes up in bed... with an old man standing over her.
You know, I saw a porno like this once...
In any event, I walk over to the man, everything gets shaky and pulsey and then I fall down. Strange, Tina canonly has green hair, not blonde, so why is she falling down?
Apparently it has something to do with the floating chastity belt that guy is levitating in front of him... and Tina looks sad. I would too, hun, I would too.In any event, I now get to name our heroine, but there's one tiny problem... I can't rename her in Romanji. Shit. Well, I think if I ghetto hard enough, I can come up with something...
Fuck yeah, Tina... well you have to use your imagination a little, but it works, even if the ghetto "a" looks more like a four. Apparently, I have, in fact, named her "hi-1-kamu". Awesome.
"My... name is... Hi-1-kamu." And now we shall all have a Kamina moment here, and let's say it together! "WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM?!"
Anyway, there's some talking, some dogs run up and bark, there's some more talking, and then I can move. As soon as I can, I IMMEDIATELY run to the clock. Why, you might ask? Because in Final Fantasy 6, clocks are full of ELIXIRS! I don't know why, maybe the clock gnomes leave them behind, or something, but fuck yeah, elixirs!
After that, I'm smuggled out the back door like a whore at the governor's mansion, and sent into the caves, like an unwanted Greek child. As you can see, today we're going to learn about similes and metaphors. The caves are... well they're caves. And they're hard to maneuver around in, because this controller is old and sucks. I miss analog sticks. In any case, I find a couple treasure chests with indecipherable runes in them. I'm sure those will come in handy later, I think. Another thing I'd like to point out about these caves...
They're full of hunchbacks and floating snot. The good news is I seem to start out with Fire and Cure, so that's going to make level grinding a tiny bit easier... but a wellspring would make it perfect.
Well, I got surrounded, fell down a hole and then the whole world got pixellated, as often happens to women of our heroine's age. After everything goes black, it then turns sepia-toned, and I think I recognize that ridiculous cape, and I can just make out some feathers to the left.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have Kefka!
I make no promises about picture quality in that one, but I was trying to get a shot of him laughing. In any case we get to continue our trip down memory lane, and see how Tina was involved in the rise of Nazi Germany.
You know, I always knew there was more to that story than they were telling, and now I know what it was... Evil wizards. I'm sure someone will recognize the chick on the right there, but we'll get to her later.
So while Tina is passed out in a cave, we now move back to the house where she was being sheltered, and meet our new party member:
He's a bit startled to see us, but once we give him time to recover, we'll introduce him as:
Hey, gimme a break, I don't have any Romanji, I have to wing it.
Sadly, it's not as clear now, but I might be able to recognize it when it comes up, so that's all that matters. He talks to the old dude that was helping Tina, and they both look sad for a moment before everything fades to black and Locke ninjas into where Tina is face down in the floor. Neat trick bro, since it took me a couple minutes to get there, and you just fucking APPEARED! Well, time passage aside, the Tuscan raiders are still after Tina, so I guess shit's about to get real... or something. The raiders seem to have brought some werewolves along with them sorry I could not get a picture, but then, suddenly:
Moogles to the rescue! As we all know, moogles are the Tusken raider's natural enemy, and will do all in their power to thwart them. There's some exposition, but I have no idea what they're saying, and then it's time to battle, apparently. Also, it turns out I was wrong, they're not werewolves, but instead a wolf and a bantha.
See? In any case, because I have no idea what I was doing, I end up burning through my only Phoenix Down, as well as all my potions, and what I think were a couple Hi-potions. Joy. It's an ill wind that blows no good though, and I managed to get a REALLY blurry picture of the werewolf that is, in fact, a bantha and a wolf, so enjoy:
Aren't you proud of me?
I think I see how Locke got to me in like two seconds though, that little fucker can MOVE! I AM mildly curious though as to where he put Tina after he picked her up, though. If the magical inventory system works like it appears to though, I'm going to guess he shoved her in his pocket. Ha ha, Tina is in Locke's pants! Shame, I always liked her better with Setzer, and Locke with Celes... but that's just me. Fandoms aside, Locke and Tina have a long conversation, as people do after they've been in each others' pants... especially if one party was unconscious at the time. Tina blinks a few times, and then Locke strikes a pose... now vogue!
... I seem to have walked into a building where a cloning experiment went horribly wrong... or horribly right...
HE'S EVERYONE IN EVERY ROOM!!!!!!!! I talk to all the hims, and one of them turns me funny colors, but other than a couple chests, and the bucket o' healing in the front room, there doesn't seem to be anything here that is significant... by which I mean it's all in Japanese and I am not.
In any event, it seems the House of Gary here is the best place to end this. Tomorrow we'll poke around Narshe some more, and try to figure out where to level grind. Until then, bonne nuit, bonne nuit to you ALL!
It's just not the same without the gargoyle and glowing eyes, is it?
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