Final Fantasy VI - Day 4 (In Which We Learn About The Genitals Of Caves)

You know, I don't know what to think about these things. They're kinda resilient, which you would assume squirrel mice would not be, but they do very little damage... and they're retardedly hard to steal from apparently. In short, I have no idea what they're supposed to be, and they're annoying meat shields for the thief behind them.

Actually, I lied, once the little mother fuckers aren't back attacking me, and thereby putting all my people in the back row, they go down in one hit. This just goes to show how very much I pay attention.

Anywho, after I raise everyone a level, I head into the only place in this new area that I haven't visited... a cave! It's a different cave! Are you as excited to explore it's dank, wet depths as I am? Probably not... because I'm not very excited about either. Once inside the cave, I am met with a surprising discovery:


Not only have they found a way to clone Vega, there's a cave full of him. You know, for a steam punk type setting, there's A LOT of cloning going on up in here. Those scholars, the women, the old men, Biggs and Wedge, Vega... What's next? Twenty-seven Kefkas? And you know, if they were THIS successful at cloning, why didn't they just clone Tina, and call it a day? Wouldn't that have been SO much simpler than genetic experiments to implant magic in humans, and whatever else they did, I forget?

In between spelunking expeditions, I run around on the outside of the mountain, because as we all know, the easiest way to make a path up a mountain is to carve out freaking caves... though considering the entire mountain seems to be HOLLOW, this might actually be true in this crazy chocobo-filled world. In other news...

I seem to be fighting a sneeze, or at the very least, the spray from one. Gives a whole new meaning to 'fighting off germs,' doesn't it? It also seems to have a poison attack, or one of the giant clusterfuck of monsters does, and Edgar gets a little ill. Luckily Tina can fix that, but then the bantha almost kills her, oops. In desperation until I get to her turn again so she can heal (I'm an item miser, bite me) I have Edgar use a random tool that is not the autocrossbow. It turns out to be a... gramophone? This seems to confuse the enemies as much as it confuses me, and they start eating each other. Woot. Then I realize that I've been sitting here staring at this like a re-re and most of the monsters have snapped out of their confusion. Once more in desperation I select a random tool on Edgar's turn and he pulls out... a proton pack? You know, I don't think I ever paid very much attention to our dear king's tools, and I think that from now on I should... I know it would make HIM happy to have people take notice of his tool anyway.

So, the point I was getting to up there around the hollow mountain rant, was that when I pop out of the cave I see a dark, shadowy sprite that look remarkably like... any other bulky male sprite. Clearly this is, in fact, Bela Lugosi. Why Bela Lugosi? Because when Edgar takes his attack stance, he's almost doing the not!Bela Lugosi move from Plan Nine from Outer Space. Have no idea what I'm talking about? Well the short version is that Bela Lugosi died while shooting the movie and rather than splicing him in where needed in post production, they hired someone that looked like Lugosi from the bridge of the nose up, and just had him cover the lower half of his face with his arm. Strange but true.

Moving right along, I continue chasing Mr. Lugosi up the mountain, and you know what? When I find him, I think I'm going to give him a big old kick right in the nuts... because this is a pain in the ass, and I'm pretty sure I missed a treasure chest back at the beginning of the area, and I don't feel like backtracking. Why not? Well for one, it's a long way back and I'm lazy, and for two...

Horrifying cave labia. I wasn't even aware that caves HAVE labia, but apparently they do, AND I have to walk through them every time I want to leave a cave, so I think you can understand my hesitancy to backtrack. I am not now, nor have I ever been, a penis, and I'm not interested in experiencing it. My rampant love of boobies aside, I AM straight, and want as little to do with vaginas as possible... because they're icky. I would, however, like to amend that statement by mentioning that there are a list of women that I would TOTALLY be gay for, if they were real... but they're not... so it doesn't count. Ha!

Where was I? Oh yeah, chasing a dead b-movie horror actor.


This guy just showed up, but to be honest... I don't think that's Bela Lugosi, I don't think that's him at ALL! Still, he seems relevant to the plot, so I suppose I'm going to have to poke him with a stick, or something to get past him. Oh goody. Maybe he's the one that's been leaving all the snot monsters around... if so I have a few choice words for him... those words are written on my swords, and I'll be sure to hold them REALLY close to him so he can read them.

Well whoever this guy is, he's a dick, because he just jumped on my freaking HEAD! I mean like, he jumped up to the next ledge and then jumped down on my HEAD! What the fuck do you think you are, dude? A dragoon?


Locke seems to have recovered the fastest, but look at poor Tina! He killed her! I'm pretty sure the conversation went something like this,

Edgar: Oh no! He killed Tina!
Locke: YOU BASTARD!

Or something. The crew babbles on for a few minutes, making several mentions of Mash, which is leading me to think that this is Bangers, and it gives Tina time to recover...


Though I'm not sure how well her knees are going to hold up if she keeps sitting like that. I'm pretty sure that they were NEVER meant to bend that way... thank you Japan, your twisted idea of cuteness has led to more knee replacements than professional sports. I hope you guys are happy... Of course they probably are, since that would make it harder for school girls to run away.

On that note, I think we'll end it here for the week. Next week we'll find out what Bangers wants, and where he left Mash. Until then remember... Cave labia. Have a good week!