We don't always like being nonplussed

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Final Fantasy VI - Day 17 (In which everybody poops)

Alright, so when we left off, there was a cave full of fiery undead and magma/lava. We're still there, so let's head out and take those stairs that switch I pulled created. I head over to another part of the same area and find some floor switches and a treasure chest... the latter asks me a question. Um... First option? From the sound of it, something happened somewhere, and I don't know what or where. Well, on with my exploration. I finally get out of lava and switch land, and I still have no idea what the switch in the chest did, and it's through a big cave mouth... inside a cave... a cave in a cave. Right. As it turns out, that was the exit, so it was the cave butt, apparently, and it leads to this:

Welcome to Esper Land! The Least Happy Place that is Also Not on Earth!(TM)
Hey, it's the door to Esper Land! Neat.
The uh... the surroundings look kinda different though... I seem to remember this area being a lush, verdant forest-type deal back when Tina was a baby. My how things change in eighteen years. Mash seems to be serious for a change here... which further backs up my theory about him secretly having died and the other characters just finding a Mash look-alike to take his place. We get some ellipses from Tina and then... Giggles McClownpants shows up! That's Kefka, remember? He starts talking shit, Mash looks confused and then we're in a back attack battle with him.

'He's not twenty feet tall this time! We can take him!'
And he's back in sprite form, which tells me this isn't an important fight. He also doesn't seem particularly impressed by the child, meat-head and moogle sent out to fight him. Let's see what happens! Kefka laughs, that's what happens. But then he ALWAYS laughs, hence the name Giggles McClownpants. He also wags his finger at me:

Ah, ah, ah! You didn't say the magic word! (Since it's Kefka, the magic word is probably 'hate')
I don't know why, but apparently... shame on me? The party jumps forward to attack him, and he laughs some more. Jesus Kefka, lay off the nitrous-oxide. Apparently I only had to hit him once, and then we get out of the battle, Tina glows a bit and goes all esper up ins. The door opens, and then we're back in a fight with Kefka. Sheesh, can we just get on with it already?

See? Gau thought it was funny too!
I don't know what just happened, but seeing Kefka fall on his head was HILARIOUS! And then a bunch of horrible looking monsters fly by. Looks like I'm going to be esper hunting later. Apparently among the espers that flew out was Shiva... Neat trick considering that she's already DEAD, and I have her crystallized soul in my inventory! Tina eventually flies by and lands on her knees... and considering how she sits on her knees, landing that way should have not only BROKEN THEM, but ejected her kneecaps at high velocity. She at least keels over due to the trauma, and then we leave the battle screen, and suddenly everyone is flopped over again, even though all the guys were on their feet a second ago. The fact that Mog has WINGS would lead me to believe that the earthquake going on wouldn't really effect him, but I seem to be wrong. Then a bunch of rocks Plinko board down in front of the door. Hooray? Well, everyone gets up, nods and then we head back into the cave... God I hops I don't have to actually WALK back out of here... No apparently. I managed to walk out through a magical door that the plot even opened, and I'm back on the world map. Hooray!

Back in the town in front of the bridge, I check to the treasure room to see if I can raid it yet. No, I can't. When I try to leave Locke shows up though. Hey Thief, go thief at that door for me! ... Apparently he refuses, though he DOES nod a lot. I'm informed by Flailthroughs and Co. that I am about to have to do something very annoying and tedious, and whether or not I get all that delicious treasure depends on how well I do in the tedious bit. Oh joy. For now though, there's more talking and then... A GIANT FUCKING DRAGON SWOOPS DOWN!!! Not kidding. Locke dives on Tina and then Setzer walks onto to screen to ask the thief what he's doing to Tina... probably not, but who cares? The dragon makes another fly by at the ship, and Locke dives on Setzer this time... and he is not pleased. More espers fly by, the sky turns red, and clearly the apocalypse is nigh. Setzer asks Locke if he grabbed his ass, and Locke temporizes and changes the subject... I guess. Tina declares that that would totally be hot, and Locke is surprised and confused. There's some more talking and then Edgar screams Setzer's name... And now we know why our dear king tries so hard to pick up women... he's so deep in the closet he can't see the light of day. That or Setzer's awesome ignores sexual orientation barriers. Hey, I'd be willing to believe that. Everyone freaks out, runs away, and then we get to watch the Blackjack have a seizure before finally crashing. Hooray? Can I still pick up party members from it? Yes I can, and there's a new exit. Awesome.

I check out a few towns, but it seems that there's really nothing to do around here, so I'm going to head on up to the Imperial City. I have been informed that all of this is cut scenes/time-based crap, so I'll meet you guys back here when I'm done. Wish me luck!!!

Well that was needlessly painful, and I'm sure I bombed it... I also have NO freaking idea what I'm supposed to do now, but I'm down to Tina and Locke, and none of my other party members will join back up with me... assholes.I wander around a bit and find out that if you talk to a toilet, this happens:

Was this in the US version? I'm not entirely sure it was.
Goddamn it Japan. I appreciate the realism of having toilets... but I didn't want to see Locke pop a squat, thanks. I wander around in search of treasure and find...

Or if so I have blocked it out completely, and good for me! -Ed.
Kefka's so angry, he's poopin'. Good... for him? He's still not pleased with me and wags his finger... and then cracks his own shit up hard enough to laugh THREE times. Well good for you, buddy, way to keep your crazy, crazy spirits up. Now I go back to wandering around lost... Maybe I'll go check out that town and see if the treasure room unlocked... outlook not so good... The fact that I'm having to do this all on foot isn't making my outlook any brighter, either.

HA! I was wrong! I DID get in! ROCKSAUCE! Sometimes I'm wrong... it doesn't happen often (seriously, ask That Guy), but I've never been so glad to be wrong before! I raid the SHIT out of this place, and... have no idea what I got besides the money... but hey, money!

I wander around like, every single town on the freaking map looking for anything new, and finally stumble upon a ship with General Leo on it. What's up Home Slice? You got my plot point?

What if I don't take over the world? Angst!
... Short answer yes? Is it sad that I'm happier to see Shadow and his puppy than to see Celes? My reasoning? I don't have to do shit with Shadow... but Celes is likely just as underleveled, and I still have to teach her balls load of magic. Suuuuuuuuuuuck. Leo apparently introduces everyone, and then Locke poops himself, and Celes runs away from the smell. Can't blame her. No one else seems willing to talk to me, so I go take a nap... which seems to be a story progressing nap, because I get a cut scene where Locke goes wandering and finds Celes.

When will my plan be unfurled? Angst!
She feels bad. And then...

But no...I am absolutely deserving of the position for which I am destined, regardless of the unfortunate accident of my birth into the wrong species. So, you see... I don't have any angst, a-a-ny angst!
She mad. I dunno what's going on here, but she's giving Locke a hell of a case of the cold shoulder. Yeah, I see how it is... I level you up, give you good equipment, teach you magic... and then you're a cunt bubble. Well screw you too, honey pot. She runs off without saying a word, and then it's morning again. Good, I didn't want to have to deal with her crazy ass any more anyway! I swear, all women is bitches... I would like to take this opportunity to remind you, once more, that I'm a woman, so I can get away with saying that.

Well today seems to have been long and pointless, sorry. I think I'm going to call it here, and we'll hope something new and exciting happens to tomorrow, so I'll see you then, same Bat time, same Bat station!

Ah, the old Batman tv show... sooooooo hilariously bad...

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