Retro Pokemon Weekends: Pokemon Green Flailthrough Day 12

Remember the picture of Butterfree? Look at Venonat. Mm hmm... That's really the entire point of putting that picture up. Moving on.

... Did... did my Gyarados just shoot fire? Um... I thought he was... well, not a water type, but still... weird. Oh well, it murdered the pants off of whatever Pokemon I was using it against, so it's all good.

I seems that it's my fate to enter yet another cave. I hate caves, I've NEVER wanted to be a spelunker, and now I seem destined to spend half the game in them. Dude... if they'd just throw off the shackles of the PokeMafia, and fire those lazy jerks in the waystations, then we wouldn't have to keep running around underground like a bunch of retarded moles, and we could walk in the sun once more!


I also seem to have been accosted by every ten year-old boy's worst nightmare... Michael Jackson. See boys and girls, he's not dead! He's just hanging out in a dark cave, trying to sneak up on little boys, drawing them in with promises of tiny furry murderers. Let's just hope that I beat him... because I don't think I want to know what he's got planned for me, and I DAMN sure don't want his nose to fall off on me.


This... this is apparently what he has in store for me, though I didn't have to lose to him first. Anyway, Cubone really LOOKS like a baby here, and that kinda makes it a bit sadder. The next in his Pokestable is a Slowpoke, so... well, the derp is strong here. Either way, I take them down fairly quickly (not in the yucky way), and go on with my life, bagging a Machop on the way.

This cave is freaking BRUTAL! It's not random encounters, it's all the freaking trainers. My Balls and my Pigeotto are dead, (and that's an awesome statement right there) and my other Pokemon aren't in too great a shape, except for Gyarados and Alakazam, who are like unto tiny gods apparently. What I need right now is an escape rope... or at the very least a freaking repel. Shame I don't read Japanese so I can buy them. Well, you know, having some revives would be rather nice too. I swear, if this is the cave that Green's waiting at the end of, then I'm just going to cry... or more likely put the game in a chipper shredder, which I would have to go out and steal first, because we don't have one. And that's a DEDICATED kind of mad there, that's willing to deal with grand larceny just to destroy a game.

I think at this point, I should mention that my lowest level Pokemon is level 25... and the average level of the trainers' Pokemon is about 20 or 21. I HATE rock types!!!! Speakinig of, take a good look at this booger... and I don't mean that as just a substitute for 'thing', I mean he looks like a booger.


I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE SELF DESTRUCT!!!!!!! That is the WORST, most TROLL move in ALL of Pokemon! Herp derp, I'mma lose, so I'll just take you with me, so neither of us get any experience, tee hee. SCREW YOU Geodude evolutions!!!!!! And don't even get me started on the trainers! How can you pretend to love your Pokemon if you make them use a move that kills them? AND you still have to pay the other person, because they have more Pokemon than you, and win by default! It just goes to show you... What I don't know, but I'm going to go with the hypocrisy and cruelty to animals inherent in the system? Yeah, that sounds about right. Anyway, moving on.

I have NEVER been so happy to see Lavender Town in my LIFE! Hello you spooky town of weird shit, gimme the PokeCenter! I wander around, and I don't really think I can do anything here yet. I probably have to go on to another town and collect the shiny purplinkle bafmodad or something stupid like that. So I just stock up on whatever the new Pokeball is, and a couple things with parenthesis in the front that I think are super potions, since they heal me. Upward and onward, I suppose.

Well I headed onto the new route, and ran into a Lass with two Clefairies, this is pretty unremarkable, except for the fact that one of them hit me FIVE TIMES with Doubleslap! This move is called DOUBLEslap, DOUBLE implies that it hits TWICE, this is in fact the definition of double, two of something. Shit, even Jessie and James from the Pokemon cartoon know that! TWO hits, it should only hit TWICE. Cocks to the lot of them.

What the FUCK is that?! Is that... is that man wearing a bathrobe? What the FUCK is in his hand?! Not his right one, that's clearly a slinky, but what the hell is in his left hand? It looks like freaking Halloween ghost is balancing on his wrist. Good gods... I don't like the look on his face either... He's kind of... leering at me... Am I... am I gon' get raped here?


His first Pokemon is a Growlithe, and we all know how to take care of that bitch. That's right, I beat him with my Balls (BEST accidental naming EVER!)... which apparently has gained the ability to shoot stars? I don't know what's going on anymore, but my Balls shoot stars. Fuck yeah?

His second Pokemon is this:


Much like with Sandshrew, I have consistantly played the games where Vulpix is the exclusive fire type because 1) I like foxes, and 2) ... well, I don't really like the colors that Growlithe was the exclusive fire type... except Sapphire, I just got railroaded into playing Ruby. Anyway, my point is, THIS IS NOT CUTE! It looks like someone crossed a freaking chicken with a vaguely vulpine quadruped... and then they later went on to just do a fire chicken, which I wonder if they didn't get the idea from this misery... (though I agree with That Guy, you shouldn't cross an animal, like a chicken, with its natual enemy, the barbecue... or would that be the rotisserie?) I WILL say this though, Vulpix here is NOT trying to get you to look him straight in the brown eye (look at his sprite in HeartGold and SoulSilver, you know this to be true!) and that IS an improvement.

In any case, Meowth beats the abomination unto Nuggan until money falls out, and I beat the creepy old man... who then gives me ALOT of money... and since I've established that the amount of money is directly proportional to how much the trainer wants in your pants... this scares me, boys and girls, this scares me a lot. I'm just... gonna get on my bike, and uh... RIDE LIKE THE WIND!!!!

The next trainer, a lowly and unimportant Pokedork, has stroke!Grimer, and then this asshole:


I know he looks kinda standard, but... after seeing Grimederp, this is a bit of a surprise. And I don't know what it is, but his hand kinda scares me... maybe it's the odd finger spacing... or the missing fingers... I don't know, but no sir, I don't like it.

I run into another of those creepy ghost-handed men, and this one apparently calls me a bicycle (it looked like same katakana) and then he threw out this:


He uh... looks pretty stoned. Dude, he's been rocking the ganj pretty freaking hard, and we all know what that means... he's probably hungry. You know, I'd like to put him and Towelie from South Park in a room together and see what happens. A water type and a super absorbant, intelligent towel, both of whom are horrible, horrible stoners? It could only end in hilarity... and problably a contact high for everyone in a fifty mile radius.

His last Pokemon is... well, this:


See boys and girls? This is what you grow up into when you do drugs. A doughie, wall-eyed frog monster. Let this be a lesson to you. Pot's bad, and it kills your brain cells. Avoid the derp, stay away from drugs. This public service announcement has been brought to you by a raging fever and dehydration. Let's get back to the game.

The route to the next town still seemed to be in the iron-grip of the Pokemafia, so I have to traipse off underground again, and hope I'm not eaten by a grue in the dark... or possibly mindflayers... or drow, but I really don't think it's QUITE that far underground.

I escape the tunnels with no harm, and come to a new city! I talk first... to what is either a Team Rocket Grunt, or a policeman. Either way, he yells boxes at me, and then I wander off to check out the PokeCenter. Well, so far it seems everyone is yelling at me, but some guy in a diner gave me something. I also found this woman:


She kinda looks like an Abra, don't you think? Anyway, the other thing about this place is this:

See? Nothing here? But WAIT! Look AGAIN!


That's right... that's an invisible computer. How awesome is that? I can store stuff, and Pokemon INVISIBLY! Alright, that might not seem cool to you, because you probably already knew about it, but I didn't. That Guy wanted to see if it was in Green too, and obviously it is. Shut up.

ANYWAY, I think I'm in Celadon City. Why do I think that? Because there's a ridiculous tree-filled route to get to the gym, and this place is freaking huge. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw the giant department store. I REALLY appreciate that the katakana for 'shop' seems to be 'SHOP'. Isn't that freaking convienent?

Well, that's it for today goys and birls! Tomorrow I shall flail wildly as I try to figure out what the hell I'm buying, and I might even hit up the casino and see how much money I can lose! Until then remember... Drugs turn you into frogs... unless you're wearing a ribbon. See you tomorrow!