So while I was wondering about power leveling, I remembered that I hadn't ever bothered to pick up my other fossil. Oops. So... here!
Now Omanyte is the popular one! Bonus points if you read that in Dr. Zoidberg's voice... but I'm sure you didn't, because the eyes look just a LITTLE too creepy. Still... now I wanna put a parabolic reflector on the Omanyte's shell. Cutest. Doctor. EVER! Just remember not to be an Asian school girl before seeing him... because it's something you can stop being as needed.
Anyway, I've decided to do something stupid!... Yeah, I know, right? Everyone act surprised. Anyway, despite my original intention to get all my Pokemon up to level 70 so I can blow through the Elite Four like a menstruating woman through a box of cheap tissues while watching a cheesy romance (As a woman I get to make this joke, so fuck you) , I've decided to just take my party up to level 52 and then struggle my way through. Why? Because I hate myself, that's why... and also because it will level my Pokemon up faster for my trip through Cerulean Cave. What do you want from me? I'm ready for this mess to be over. I mean, this is SERIOUSLY cutting into my Final Fantasy IX play time. (What? Shut up, it's a GREAT game! AND I can just hit people with sticks and won't run out of stick-hitting-points, so there!)
Now that I'm done running my mouth, it's time to get down to business. First up in the Elite Four, we have:
A marine biologist! Well, this might not be so bad after all... Nope, what I hoped would be a short quiz on, I dunno, the thermo-haline circulation, is in fact a pokemon battle, and out little scientist is revealed to be a woman:
I guess. Pretty provocative there, lady. Need I remind you that I'm ten? I'm not sure she cares, but, and you can call me shallow, I like my women to have, you know, EYES. I know, I know, I'm a bad person, but I like to have something to stare into when I'm making them scr-...
Did it just weird in here? ANYWAY! Did you know Lapras can use Confuse Ray? I didn't... and my Balls died because of my ignorance. Oh WOE unto my Balls! Anyway, that was the last pokemon Marine Biologist had, and my handy Venusaur helped me take it out before it got killed itself... stupid double-type water Pokemon. After a lot of yelling, I'm allowed to advance, but first I'm gonna dip into my bag o' healing and bring my Balls and Venusaur up to snuff.
My next opponent is:
Cartman? Well naturally, his line up will include Pengin, Roostor, Lambtron, Donkeytron, Furrycat, and the ever deadly Shoe. Unsurprisingly Cartman yells at me a lot... but I just wish he'd go put on a shirt.
Alright, so maybe it ISN'T Cartman... I'm kinda relieve though, because I think Shoe would wipe out my whole party. I'd still, REALLY like it if he'd go put a damn shirt on, whoever the hell he is. So I'm just strolling along, having Alakazam bust some 70's up in their asses, when THIS gets thrown at me.
So... did Kermit and the Helping Hands from Labyrinth get together one drunken Christmas party at the Jim Henson place and... you know? He looks like he's gonna EAT me! Jeebus! Luckily one quick brain rape, his not mine, and it's over. I'd say I'm disappointed at how easy this is, but I'm really not. I LIKE how easy this is, and want it to stay this way FOREVAH! Unsurprisingly the shirtless wonder screams at me some more, but I stopped paying attention to him back when I realized he wasn't Cartman, so who cares?
My next opponent seems to be a little girl in a graveyard, and I'm not liking where this is going. What? Is she already dead? Is this her vengeful ghost that they've been unable to exercise from Indigo Plateau and they just went, "You know what? Fuck it! Elite Four member!"?
You know, that's freaking false advertisement. It looks like a little girl on the map, but once you talk to her, she turns into an old hag... kinda like Genkai. Hmm... Genkai at least had EYES though! Do you have to be BLINDED to become a member of the Elite Four, or what?! Shit, no WONDER Red and Green both said, "Um... you know? We're just gonna... you know... go over here now, guys..." and wandered off to do their own thing.
In any case, her Ghost and Poison types are no match for my Alakazam, and I ignore her yelling, and creepy eyes with both hands, and move on with my life.
I actually know who this is... it's Dracula! You can tell by the cape and the fierce widow's peak! And by the fact that apparently to approach him, you have to go down into a basement, and you're petty much mind controlled the whole way down... AND you get drawn into a conversation as soon as he sees you, and it drags on FOREVER. See? It's TOTALLY Dracula.
Alright, no it's not, but it's someone ALMOST as cool... even if in this incarnation of the game, they had not mastered the three-quarters turn for the face. You know, he kinda looks like he has a dragon snout... and since he's a dragon trainer, I guess that works out for him, huh? Either way... his cousin is hot.
Oh... my... GUMBALL! It's SO CUTE!!!! Look at it's giant goo-goo eyes! Oh my god, I want to SQUISH IT!!!!!! Sadly, the point of this game is to destroy and/or enslave everything adorable you come across, so it is with a heavy heart, that I have my Balls use Epilepsy on it... and it uh... doesn't do NEARLY as much damage as I'd hoped... I thought Dragonair was Dragon/Water... Crap, I don't have an Ice type... this could end badly for me. Well the good news is that my Balls are hardy enough to stand up to Hyper Beam. The bad news is I can't pop him out of battle and heal. Time to throw in Gyarados and hope his hit points can help him survive this mess... Well I'll be jiggered. Apparently my Gyarados learned Hyper Beam... and he raped the other Dragaonair. Awesome sauce! I also manage to utterly destroy his Aerodactyl which leaves this:
Um... I know how everyone talks about Dragonite looking really dumb and all, but uh... It's an improvement over this. I don't know of any of you remember, but there were a bunch of Bugs Bunny cartoons featuring Killer the Buzzard... and the lovable little derp had a special song he would sing when he flew, and while I can't convey measure and timing text, it was something along the lines of 'Baaa-rump padump padump paa dump paa daa,' in my family we actually came up with words to go along with this, which were "I don't have enough brains to save myself," and in fact became such an ongoing thing that anytime we trying to express to the others of the family our derision over someone's stupidity, we would sing, or hum the tune. What? My family are all assholes, what do you want? The point I was trying to make, however, was that this guy looks like he should be singing that song... He also looks like he should have his mother looming over him telling him to do something while he says, "nope nope nope, daa nope nope nope." He is, in fact, Derpnificent... and pretty damn strong, since my Hyper Beam only took half his health, and his took all of mine. Ouch. Well, you know what they say... sex-crazed and retard-strong... Yeah, I just went all Clerks 2
up in this bitch. Deal with it. Luckily he had to recharge after using Hyper Beam, so my Alakazam gets a brain rape of opportunity, and I put him down for the count.I get yelled at some more, typical, and then get told that my arch-nemesis, backwards E backwards E backwards E backwards E backwards E (thought I'd forgotten that, did you?) is in fact the champion and the man to beat. Look at the surprise on my face. Yeah, look at it. I'm sooooooooooooo shocked... and once more I'm saddened by the fact that I can't put as much sarcasm into that as I would like, but you know... the universe and all.
I am mind controlled through the room and immediately drawn into a conversation with Green where he begins screaming my name. AWESOME! I turn on the music, but sadly it does not, in fact, have a throbbing baseline, which tells me that there is NOT about to be some hot, sweaty 8-bit porn happening and more's the pity... because I don't know if I'd be able to stop laughing if I saw that. I wonder at the long, awkward pauses in the dialogue and get my hopes up that those are gasps for breath, which are then followed by more screaming of my name... but ultimately, I'm disappointed and drawn into a Pokemon battle. Booger.
Like many a heroine (no, that's not a typo) in Final Fantasy, Green has gone through yet ANOTHER costume change, and he's either not wearing any pants, or wearing his socks on the outside like a set of really bad 80's leg warmers. His hair also seems to be less aroused, and now we're back to the cocky face, rather than the rawr face... that's ok though, I LIKE the cocky face. I'm not, however, particularly pleased with his Alakazam, who continuously spams Recover, like a dirty little WHORE! He also manages to take out my Balls, and my Pidgeot. To say that this is, in fact, suboptimal, is an understatement. The best I can hope for is my Alakazam to be strong enough to withstand a couple rounds of abuse to revive them. Actually, I manage to take out his Rhydon with little problem, and Exeggutor is to stupid too attack me while I'm asleep, so I get all my happy little Pokemons revived and fully healed. Rocksauce. My revived Balls make laughably short work of his Gyarados. The very last thing he has for me to deal with is his Charizard, and I'm pretty sure my Gyarados can take him out, what with all of the watery doom.
Mazel tov! I have beaten the Pokemon League Champion. My cock-fighting fu is best. Now comes my favorite part of the game... shaming the filthy orphan. Hahaha, not only have I embarrassed you and reduced all your desperate efforts for affection to naught, I've taken that affection AND turned the only family you have against you. Suck it!
No, no, I kid, I kid. I love Green. Seriously, I'd take him home and snuggle him and tell him I luffles him to pieces if given the chance. Sadly, this game doesn't give me that option, so I just have to do what the game makes me... Maybe there's a slash option in Leaf Green... You know, I'm pretty sure there isn't, and I'm probably not going to play that for like, at least a year, but I had to say something ridiculous to gross you guys out, and/or scar you while Professor Oak runs his damn old, rambling mouth. I'd like to note that he's yelling at me this whole time, and really I'd just like to move on with my life, but I have to sit here and watch this stupid ending thing. I suppose this is as good a place to end it for today as any, and then tomorrow we'll tip-toe through MewTwo's dungeon, and I'll catch me a mutant psychic kitty. See you then guys!
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